My name is Anna and I am 35 years old. I was born a male, but have felt out of place since I was in my early teens. am bipolar and suffer from depression. Oftentimes I would find myself fantasizing about being someone else and always thought it was abnormal. I felt ashamed and tried my best to fit in. One day I found a site that contained fiction stories of men being transformed into women, usually by some sort of magical or chemical means. I was hooked. It filled something in me that had been empty for so long. I'll admit that I often "pleasured myself" to these stories, which made me feel even more ashamed. But I had found something that made me happy and also even more confused. I didn't realize until later on that this was something that other people felt as well.
As the years wore on, I felt more and more unhappy. I tried to fit in, but never felt like I did. No matter what I did, the feelings and thoughts kept coming back. But when I was 19 I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman. We dated for several months and then got engaged. We married very young and had kids very young. She was pregnant with our youngest on her 21st birthday. I never told her how I felt. I tried to "work through it". I still read the stories. I went to chat sites and pretended to be a woman. All without her knowing.
I don't remember the year, but one day I was tired of hiding it from her. So I wrote her a letter and put it in her jacket pocket. I included a sample of one of the stories I had read along with a confession that I had been unfaithful to her when we were younger. Not the best way to tell her I admit. We talked, a lot. We went to counseling. Went to visit a priest to talk as well. I eventually chickened out and told her that I didn't really want to be a woman I just liked the stories. And we focused more on the infidelity.
We moved on. Our kids grew. We moved several times. But the feelings kept coming back. I still read the stories and now I was trying to fill this void with other women. I cheated several times with several women. I got caught a couple of times and our marriage still survived. Then one day, I met a woman on Craigslist who became a mentor and friend to me. She had transitioned and had been on hormones for years. She helped me here and there and made me feel happy.
One day during a fight, I started crying and my wife guessed somehow that it was in relation to the stories. I broke down and told her everything. About my friend. About my desires and feelings. Everything. At first she was really supportive and said we would work through this. I was over the moon! But after a time, she told me that if I went through with this then she would not be able to stay married to me. She ended up telling her parents about me, my parents, our friends, her friends. So at this point, I was stuck. I had two options and I chose to stay. I was unable to leave my marriage at that point. I was scared. So I lied and told her it was just a phase and we moved on.
I still read the stories. I still cheated. And then years later I met a woman online that gave me the courage to leave my marriage. So I told my wife that I was in love with someone else. We have been separated for a few months now and I have finally gotten the courage to continue on my path of transition. I have not told this new woman and honestly I am not entirely sure that I am in love with her...but that is a story for another time.
Anyway, I am here and looking forward to meeting lots of amazing people here.
Anna Kristen
