A good starting place

[IndieCred]

Howdy,

I talked a bit about my own issues in my introduction post, but I figured I'd put something here. After all, I came here looking for advice and guidance, right?

I'm 28 and biologically male. In my intro post, I'd said I don't know what I am. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and have had some really in-depth conversations with my wife about this stuff. I've also started with an LGBT/Gender Issues counselor. The conclusion I've come to is one I already knew, I just wasn't sure I wanted to admit it yet.

Before, I used to just tell myself I was a crossdresser and that was all. Even that felt like too much for a long time. Honestly, I've been fully aware of it for like seven or eight years now. I've even admitted it before, but ended up hiding again. I am trans, and okay with it. I'm still scared of what's to come, but I've decided that I'm just tired of hiding from it.

Getting out of the military, and going to a variety of conventions (Anime, Furry, MLP, Sci-Fi) has really helped me out a lot. My wife sells artwork at conventions, and by working at them I've gotten to meet someone from pretty much every corner of the LGBT community, and made friends with a lot of them. It's opened my eyes to how someone can both accept their self and be accepted by others. Over time, I began to feel kinda jealous of these people, and how they are able to live their lives as they see fit.

My wife has known about my crossdressing since we started dating, and has had no problems with it. Actually, she's helped me with finding clothes that fit, and being used as cover when I purchase them. Three years ago, I came out to her that I am trans. We talked a lot about it for a while, and I decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it for fear of reprisal at my job. The urge hasn't gone away though. In fact, it's gotten progressively stronger since I was able to admit to her my feelings on this.

About two weeks ago, we had another long talk about this, and I told her that I want to go through with the transition. It was a difficult conversation, and we ended up talking until about 4am. While she has worries and reservations about this, she was emphatic that this is not a deal breaker, nor is she considering a divorce. I feel rather lucky in that regard. Both of us are bisexual, and have remained extremely open-minded about things to do with gender and sexuality.

Her main concerns are that I might go through with this and find I don't want it, only to find I can't back out anymore. Transitioning can be rather... permanent. Her other concern is more emotional, in that she worries I won't be the same person anymore. She has a real point, and one that I can't find a response to. She's gotten used to the me that I am right now, to having a husband. The change, even a slow and gradual one, is something she feels will be extremely difficult for her.

I'm also worried about acceptance/tolerance at work. Currently, I'm a government contractor for an intelligence agency in Virginia. My office is around 90% military veterans, and I'm the only LGBT person there right now. While I have a few friends at work who know about me and are supportive, I doubt that everyone will be as receptive to this change. To make matters more interesting, I accepted an offer for a new job, working with the Marines as a contractor. So, I'm going into an even more hyper-masculine environment. Out of the frying pan, into Mt. Vesuvius.

This post is getting more disjointed and rambling than I intended, so I'll tl;dr for convenience sake.

Any advice on working with my spouse to help with her fears? This transition won't just affect me, it'll affect her greatly too. I don't want to inadvertently hurt her emotionally in the process. And any advice on how to get by in the workplace?

[Anne Blake]

Hello Indie,

The two of you are beginning a difficult, but for many, very rewarding journey. You mentioned long talks with your partner, this is good. Communication is key and expanding it will help both of you understand yourselves and each other more. A key point that my wife has learned is that you, the trans individual, are not the only one transitioning. She found that her transition was equal to or perhaps more difficult than mine. After all, I was going to a place that made me happy while she was having to leave what she had been dreaming about and planning for all her life.

You mentioned in your intro that you were going to see an lgbtq counselor, how did it go? Make sure that you like and have a good rapport with your therapist as  you will probably be seeing them for a while. I would also recommend that your partner join you in some sessions and possibly meet with either your therapist or one of her choosing to help her work through the confusing stuff.

It will probably be a big temptation for you to chase this path of happiness a lot faster than your partner can keep up. For us, as hard as it was for me, giving my wife the time she needed to get comfortable with each and every step, made all the difference in the world. Let you partner take the time she needs with each step. If you do, you will find in her your strongest ally.

My last recommendation is developing a support group. This is partially handled through places like Susan's. The people on this site are a great group of folks that have a lot of experience in the type of journey that the two of you are facing. This group has been there for me time and time again. But both my partner and I have collected a few small groups of trans and/or trans friendly people that not only are there when we need them but have also just become good friends that we enjoy spending time with.

Good luck with your journey and keep us up on how the two of you are doing.

Tia Anne

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Indie.

It is really good to hear that you and your wife are talking, and that she hasn't run screaming from you.  That is usually one of the biggest fears, and at least that step is behind you.  It bodes well for the future.

However, transition is hard on the spouse.  We have had years, decades sometimes, for the idea of transitioning to mature to full awareness.  When we come out to our spouses, they get hit by it all at once.  Their partner has just overcome a major hurdle in coming out, and is ready to rock and roll, while they are reeling and wondering what hit them.

Your wife's fear that you will change is partly founded and partly not.  You will change in many ways.  Your body will change, both hormonally and possibly surgically.  Your emotions will change.  Often for the better, but different is still different.  Occasionally, less often than our spouses fear, but it still happens, our sexual orientation changes.  That can be a deal breaker if it happens.

Down deep, you won't change: you will be the same old you that you always were.  Your knowledge, experience and values will likely stay the way they have always been.  That can be comforting.  It can also be annoying if she was hoping something about you would change and it doesn't. 

The fear that you might some day change your mind is a common one.  It happens less than one might imagine, but the fear is real.  This is one reason why talking to a therapist is an excellent idea.  They can assess how you feel about transitioning and how committed you are to it.  Usually, by the time you get to your stage, where you have been suppressing it for so long and it just won't stay suppressed, you are pretty committed. 

As part of the informed consent process before starting HRT (and this is part of the process whether you are going the "informed consent" route or the WPATH route), they will explain to you what is reversable and what is not.  It is really up to you at that point to consider your options carefully before signing the paper.

Good luck as you move forward.  Take your time.