Hello, everyone.
Long story is long--the short version is that, although I've had issues with my gender identity for as long as I can remember, I was trapped in an extremely conservative family until I turned 21, and was forced to repress and ignore my feelings until I finally broke away from a long cycle of abuse. Until then, I had no trouble keeping my true self locked away in my head, since I always had much bigger problems to worry about.
After leaving the family (we're no longer on speaking terms), I finally felt free to explore my identity. I re-evaluated my entire personality, trying to discover who I wanted to be. I started by developing my current tastes in music, then moved on to politics and religion. After about a year of freedom, I began to come to terms with my sexuality and my gender identity. Admitting to myself that I felt attracted to both genders was hard; admitting I was a transwoman was harder.
I've been considering transitioning for four years now, trying to avoid the issue by telling myself that there are certain benefits to remaining male, that I'm really a tomboy at heart anyway and I could deal with my dysphoria with just a little bit of support from my loved ones, and for a time, I managed to get by. I came out to my (now ex) boyfriend, a trans man, just over two years ago, and until he moved away, he was my ultimate source of comfort. Once we were apart, I was left to deal with my issues on my own, and feeling alone, I nearly killed myself. At that point, I realized I no longer had a choice in my transition--if I did nothing to change myself, I would remain miserable until I died.
That's where I am now: planning my transition, trying to piece my life together. Ideally, I'll someday reach a place where I can feel secure and happy with myself, but for now, I can only dream, and focus on moving towards that kind of life.
Thanks for reading; sorry if my story seems depressing.
