Do I "deserve" to transition?

[Lucca]

For most of my life, I've been ignoring my own needs and feelings because I've felt like I'm "supposed" to. I've always had trouble getting sympathy for my religious trauma, so I've often stopped bothering to convince other people of my suffering and tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad instead. Despite being almost non-functionally depressed or anxious for extended periods multiple times throughout my life, I avoided seeking psychiatric help for a very long time because I told myself that it's for people who "really" have depression or anxiety who have been through "real" trauma, and I don't count, so I'm doing a disservice to people who actually have mental illness. I've wanted to express myself creatively in the past, but thought that since I'd just be another white male writer, I'd be taking up space that should go to underrepresented groups instead, and I don't deserve to have my voice out there making a statement since the spotlight should be placed on people who actually have important things to say, and not just the ignorant musings of a privileged white guy.

You get the picture. I'm having trouble breaking out of this mindset that I have to be miserable and can never speak up for myself because I'm too privileged to deserve it, and asking for respect or recognition is an affront to those who the general liberal narrative says do deserve it. As such, despite any feelings or desires I may have that are leading me to do so, I'm having trouble throwing away my identity as a cisgender man because it feels disrespectful to other demographic groups, as though I have a responsibility to remain miserable for their benefit. This needless guilt and self-loathing is pointless and has been actively preventing me from honestly examining and assessing myself for my whole life. I know I should let all of this baggage go and then I'll be free to explore whatever my true identity is, but it's difficult because I've lived under the assumption that I don't deserve to be anything else for so long.  It's just such a stark change; how do you wrap your head around going from being at the top of the "privileged" end of the spectrum (as judged by society, at least) to being somewhere near the bottom?

Anyone else dealt with anything like this?

[Dena]

I don't believe in a privileged class. My opinion is if your better off than others, it's because you earned it. Some may have the benefit of an inheritance however even the rich don't remain that way unless they work to maintain their wealth. There is a saying that wealth only last 3 generations. The first generation earns it. The second generation maintains it but by the third generation the knowledge to maintain the wealth is gone and shortly thereafter, so is the wealth. Transition is a difficult and costly task however your status in life is totally dependent on the effort you put into it. If want a certain life after transitioning and your willing to put the work in, there is no reason you can't have it.

[Eryn T]

I'm not sure in what way you mean you are 'privledged,' Lucca. Bu I have related to how you feel with feeling undeserved and that others should have the spotlight.

When I was playing Final Fantasy 11 online, I actively worked around things I wanted because I was afraid I might turn into a selfish, horrible person; and much of this thinking continued with any group interaction I was in(mostly online) I would still actively pursue things such as gear or items for others over the ones I wanted- even if the benefit as a whole might be better for the group if I improved myself.

Not only games, though, just in general, too. As a game designer, I am astounded by the brilliant things come up by some indies and I always worry that my own ideas or experiences are essentially a shallower version of what people really want or would enjoy.

Same with trauma.  I had a brother who was trans(MtF) when I was younger; he took his life, and much of my own closesly reflects his.  But other than that, I have not had to deal with abuse from family, or other horrifying traumatic experiences. Experiences that I believed(and still do, honestly) create something meaningful in a person's life- something to rise up against, to overcome, etc. I never had that, and I always felt like a shallow, shell of a human being because of it. 

The reason I even brought up all that stuff is because making this transition really felt like the first thing I was doing in my life just for myself, and despite everyone else. But the thing is, Lucca, it is YOUR life.  There are always people who might judge you from your background, skin color, interests, and of course, gender. But those are not the people out there that you should try to please anyway. 

Please yourself, Lucca. Do what make you happy and know that while there may be people out there who will judge you, there are people out there(and in here) who will always support you!

<3

[Tatiana 79]

 Hello Lucca,
I have gone through something similar to this.
You said you were almost non-functional depressed and very anxious. Well I was completely non-functional over these same conditions and have just broke out of it recently by realizing that I Was Born This Way absent any control
Of my own. I was so tired of being miserable I could barely take it and would have bad thoughts.
But once I found scientific explanation for what happened to me it completely changed my life around
As it can for you too.
You absolutely deserve the right for transition, social classes are completely irrelevant it knows No Boundaries whatsoever.
You too have a medical reason why you feel the way you do, you and science just haven't found it yet.  my case was relatively easy as my mother was exposed to the drug DES
This explanation and proof provided me with enough reason for feeling I'm not a freak and I deserve treatment as much as anyone else.
A lot of my insomnia depression and anxiety have left me and I feel like a new woman. I know now I am positive and completely Unstoppable in pursuing treatment because I know it's been messing me up pretty hard before I came to this epiphany.
This absolutely worked for me otherwise I wouldn't be here right now I'd still be closeted up completely miserable getting worse but now I have Hopes and Dreams for the future as you will too.
You do deserve treatment for your condition just as much as any other human on the planet that's getting treatment for whatever, it's just those darn social taboos that keep us feeling this way but know someday when our condition is conclusively proven I don't think it'll be any different then having gallstones or any other medical condition thats understood.
I hope I wrote this so you can understand the message and use these techniques to turn your life around because Life's too short to feel miserable most of the time.

Look at my avatar does it not look quite Manish and horrible, it sure does, but do you think that's going to be enough to make me feel like I don't deserve transition of course it's not.  if I can do it you certainly and anyone can do it if you comtain the right mindset.
best wishes for your future Lucca, I hope you gain the indomitable mindset that I mentioned if you do I believe your troubles will be minimized
Love Tatiana

[Cassandra B]

Privilege can mean different things to different people, I'm going to guess by the context of your statement that you mean a financial advantage, so a few thoughts on that.

Money is only a privilege when it comes to being able to purchase something of monetary value, beyond that it tends to be a hindrance in life, but it really all depends on your perspective I guess.

With that said, what does money have to do with deserving to be happy (I say happy because that is obviously the unspoken context)? You are equating a tangible item that is only of value when purchasing other tangible items, it is worthless to the intangible things of life; in fact money tends to be the antagonist of happiness. It certainly has no bearing on being worthy of healthcare either.

I'm a tad confused at how transitioning would place you "somewhere at the bottom", in what context are you speaking of, gender, transgender, etc?

[Lucca]

Thanks everyone!

Privilege can mean different things to different people, I'm going to guess by the context of your statement that you mean a financial advantage, so a few thoughts on that.

I mean more race and gender. White men typically don't experience nearly as much blatant discrimination or harassment based on their appearance as non-white people, women, transgender people, etc. do, which I feel leads people to ignore the problems that white men do have, both directly related to their race and gender and not related to it. I've tried to gain some recognition for my experiences with discrimination or harrassment for being an atheist, for example, and have been told that white men aren't a disadvantaged class, and so other people's problem are more important. I hadn't brought up my race or gender presentation previously in the conversation, so this was a pretty blatant dismissal of my problems based just on my appearance, which should not have been relevant.

Stuff like this has always ended up with my either listening to my opponent and going "yeah, other people have it worse, I should shut up" or trying to defend men/white men as a group, which has always felt wrong, and left me wishing I fit into one of the "protected" categories somehow. Now I know that this is probably because I'm transgender and am not really a man, but for a long time I just thought I was supposed to feel bad just because white men are supposed to feel bad.

I don't get this from everyone I run into, luckily, but I feel like there's a general acceptance that white men's experiences aren't valuable and so they aren't talked about. When I'm with a group of guys, they'll talk about how women experience sexism and discrimination, without being prompted by a woman, but almost never talk about themselves or their own identities as men. It's just a weirdly uncomfortable cultural thing, like even though I might not necessarily always experience pushback for complaining about my experiences as a white man, the conversation just never steers towards that by itself.

I'm a tad confused at how transitioning would place you "somewhere at the bottom", in what context are you speaking of, gender, transgender, etc?

Being transgender. I hang with a pretty liberal crowd, so transgender people are viewed as experiencing more discrimination than white men. Coming out as transgender would place me in a very different social category. That wouldn't necessarily be bad, but in the context of liberal culture (and not necessarily society at large), I would go from being someone who is ignored to being someone who is recognized, even though I'd have largely the same concerns and problems that I did before. That makes me a bit uncomfortable.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I'm not a big fan of the "Oppression Olympics" as a lot of people like to call this sort of thing. While I definitely feel that injustices need to be addressed, it seems unhealthy to me to try to inflate the amount of suffering we experience.

With regards to how you feel that your voice is unworthy of being heard, and that you don't feel that you deserve transition. I have to say, feelings of unworthiness are often signs of depression. I used to think about this sort of thing a lot, I would tell myself that "I don't need to see a therapist, that's for people with real problems, I just feel bad all the time." I still struggle with this at times, the best way I can think about it is: If you have a very bad and deep cut that needs stitches, would you go to a doctor to get it sewn up, or would you not do that since there are people somewhere else who have been shot? Both are problems that need attention, the existence of one doesn't negate the other. Also if you don't get it treated it will only get worse.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

[Cassandra B]

I'm not a big fan of the "Oppression Olympics" as a lot of people like to call this sort of thing. While I definitely feel that injustices need to be addressed, it seems unhealthy to me to try to inflate the amount of suffering we experience.

<3<3<3

[Lucca]

Oh, I'm seeing a psychiatrist and am going to a a new therapist soon, so I'm definitely trying to deal with this instead of if igoring it now.

[JMJW]

I've tried to gain some recognition for my experiences with discrimination or harrassment for being an atheist, for example, and have been told that white men aren't a disadvantaged class

Aren't an institutionally disadvantaged class based on race in Western countries. Atheists are disadvantaged in America theocracy, regardless of race and gender. Even bringing those up is non sequitr. 

and so other people's problem are more important.

The  people who say that are the same people who say men should open up and share their problems and emotions instead of bottling it up. They probably meant that this is "their" space, and not for anyone who presents as white male to take the lead in. So the options are back out the room, come out as trans, or sit there and accept the role as ally, which basically means
supporter.

I would go from being someone who is ignored to being someone who is recognized

One of the things I don't like about trans support groups is how ideologically motivated they tend to be. Accept the politics of the group or you're not welcome. Even if not explicitly stated, that's the underlying principle. Regardless of gender, skin colour, or anything else. It's understandable that you would feel uncomfortable with people there changing their opinion of you just because you come out as trans, but remember these groups and liberal circles are on a mission. They're not there to play nice necessarily.

[Rachel]

Hi Lucca,

I thought about transition and all I would lose. I put it off until I had to make a choice. I did what I needed to do and am in a pretty good place right now.

I thought the same way about going to a gender therapist. I was ashamed and scared. I love going to my therapist, they have helped me so much over the past 5.5 years. I know I would not have made it without them.

I needed depression medication pretty bad and I put that off thinking that is for really sick people and I do not want to be lumped in with really sick people. Well, the medication may have saved my life and I am so glad I took it.

I thought I was going to lose my job when I came out to my boss. I didn't.

I thought everyone was looking at me. It was in my head, no one really cares. I interact with thousands of people in a week and have no issues. I have had issues and I learned to increase my agency and take care of business.

White make privilege, did I lose it, yup. I gained white female trans privilege. There are differences some good and some bad. I really did not have a healthy choice in the matter. I also lost my family, friends and extended family (except for my sister and her family).

[samanthabwolfe]

For a lot of the years I hid, I did a lot to cover up, and one thing I'd do is just assure myself "Well, I can't be happy. I'll make sure everyone else is and try to get some vicarious happiness from that." Well, I did a lot of good things, supported good causes, fought a lot of fights that I think were worth it but I was doing them because I felt like I had to atone for feeling like I do, and I was so assured of my own inability to be happy.

A lot of days I'm not 100% convinced it isn't true, but I try anyway.

[Sephirah]

For most of my life, I've been ignoring my own needs and feelings because I've felt like I'm "supposed" to. I've always had trouble getting sympathy for my religious trauma, so I've often stopped bothering to convince other people of my suffering and tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad instead. Despite being almost non-functionally depressed or anxious for extended periods multiple times throughout my life, I avoided seeking psychiatric help for a very long time because I told myself that it's for people who "really" have depression or anxiety who have been through "real" trauma, and I don't count, so I'm doing a disservice to people who actually have mental illness. I've wanted to express myself creatively in the past, but thought that since I'd just be another white male writer, I'd be taking up space that should go to underrepresented groups instead, and I don't deserve to have my voice out there making a statement since the spotlight should be placed on people who actually have important things to say, and not just the ignorant musings of a privileged white guy.

You get the picture. I'm having trouble breaking out of this mindset that I have to be miserable and can never speak up for myself because I'm too privileged to deserve it, and asking for respect or recognition is an affront to those who the general liberal narrative says do deserve it. As such, despite any feelings or desires I may have that are leading me to do so, I'm having trouble throwing away my identity as a cisgender man because it feels disrespectful to other demographic groups, as though I have a responsibility to remain miserable for their benefit. This needless guilt and self-loathing is pointless and has been actively preventing me from honestly examining and assessing myself for my whole life. I know I should let all of this baggage go and then I'll be free to explore whatever my true identity is, but it's difficult because I've lived under the assumption that I don't deserve to be anything else for so long.  It's just such a stark change; how do you wrap your head around going from being at the top of the "privileged" end of the spectrum (as judged by society, at least) to being somewhere near the bottom?

Anyone else dealt with anything like this?

The emboldened part of your post is where your problems lie, sweetie. I suspect a lot of it is self esteem issues. You don't feel legitimate enough as a person because at times in your past you haven't been listened to or taken seriously. As a result you feel that anything you do, or say, isn't important enough to warrant you pursuing it. And that by doing so you're taking up part of a "quota" allotted to people you feel are more deserving than you are.

The first step is to try and pinpoint where these feelings came from. Specifically. Which people in your life made you feel that way? And what were the circumstances in which it happened? Do those circumstances, or people, apply to your life now? To make you keep feeling that way?

The trouble with stuff like this, is that we can hold on to things for a very, very long time. Long after it stops being relevant in our lives. The brain can be like wet cement. And if we lay down footprints of negativity they can set hard, long after circumstances change. Feelings we had at one time in our lives, when we were vulnerable, can lead to a lifetime of believing we're never going to be anything else.

Something else to consider is: Because one person has issues in their life doesn't mean that your issues are any less important. It isn't a cosmic set of scales, sweetie, where you have to balance what you're going through with what someone else is going through. Whatever any of us have to face in life, there will always, ALWAYS be people better, and worse off. Because that's the way of the world. What's important to the individual is important to the individual, and that's really all there has to be to it. Who are any of us to determine who does and doesn't deserve anything in this life? We can only live our own. We can only strive to be happy the best way we know how.

Do you deserve to transition? You deserve to no more and no less than anyone else deserves to, Lucca. You deserve to identify areas in your life that need changing, and you deserve the opportunity to change them. If people have made you feel bad in the past because of things you were going through.. maybe it wasn't you that was at fault, hon. Maybe it was those people going through their own issues. Just something to think about. *hugs*

Whatever you decide, I believe in you.

[Amaki]

For most of my life, I've been ignoring my own needs and feelings because I've felt like I'm "supposed" to. I've always had trouble getting sympathy for my religious trauma, so I've often stopped bothering to convince other people of my suffering and tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad instead. Despite being almost non-functionally depressed or anxious for extended periods multiple times throughout my life, I avoided seeking psychiatric help for a very long time because I told myself that it's for people who "really" have depression or anxiety who have been through "real" trauma, and I don't count, so I'm doing a disservice to people who actually have mental illness. I've wanted to express myself creatively in the past, but thought that since I'd just be another white male writer, I'd be taking up space that should go to underrepresented groups instead, and I don't deserve to have my voice out there making a statement since the spotlight should be placed on people who actually have important things to say, and not just the ignorant musings of a privileged white guy.

You get the picture. I'm having trouble breaking out of this mindset that I have to be miserable and can never speak up for myself because I'm too privileged to deserve it, and asking for respect or recognition is an affront to those who the general liberal narrative says do deserve it. As such, despite any feelings or desires I may have that are leading me to do so, I'm having trouble throwing away my identity as a cisgender man because it feels disrespectful to other demographic groups, as though I have a responsibility to remain miserable for their benefit. This needless guilt and self-loathing is pointless and has been actively preventing me from honestly examining and assessing myself for my whole life. I know I should let all of this baggage go and then I'll be free to explore whatever my true identity is, but it's difficult because I've lived under the assumption that I don't deserve to be anything else for so long.  It's just such a stark change; how do you wrap your head around going from being at the top of the "privileged" end of the spectrum (as judged by society, at least) to being somewhere near the bottom?

Anyone else dealt with anything like this?

oh sweet heart, I know all too well how that feels, my whole life up until the last 5 years, Ive been told what to do, how to think, what to eat, where to go (im 30 now) it took me 5 years of actually being 'free' to understand Ive been blocking out these feelings letting myself be depressed, I cant stand crowds because of my anxiety. Its nice to finally meet someone else who turned to writing as a coping mechanism (mostly Fantasy style stories myself never been able to finish any though).

I went my whole like wondering what it meant to be happy I even gave up on myself and just looked for those around me to be happy and safe (I did cause a few break ups because they weren't right together). Its hard to break the mindset, even when I came to this conclusion everything about it felt right but my mind still wanted to fight it.

About deserving treatment and what not, I am having the same issues with my VA disability, even though I clearly need the help I don't feel like I deserve any of it. Yet for some reason I don't feel that my trans issues is a disability its not something I deserve its something I need. Not sure if that will help but I am afraid of what the VA shrinks will think but Im not afraid not really just some anxiety over what if they deem me insane or not trans, just my mind fighting me .

Its not easy, maybe because Ive never actually thought of myself as 'privileged' I don't see it as an issue being lowered a few pegs. Lets be honest (most people do at some point (and everyone knows they can do better than Trump)) do you have any plans to go into office or because an Officer in the military? The privileged part means nothing really, only thing its good for honestly is if your going into government work, real government work not something like a DMV id maker   

All anyone, anyone, from us here to everyone elsewhere want is to be happy, healthy, and safe (they all work together like a triangle or w/e). Ultimately weather its waiting and doing some real soul searching, or if its starting up tomorrow (if you can, most cant) all you can do is right by you. No one can tell you what to do (well not really).

By the way the name Lucca is actually one of my favorites I hope this helps in someway, Im here to talk if you need it. (also Id love to bounce story concepts and ideas off another write sometime, maybe even get help finishing the stories lol).

[Lucca]

Aw, thanks so much to all of you! <3

[annaleaver]

Do I "deserve" to transition?

Yes. Anyone that turns sexuality or gender identity into a clique doesn't understand the personal issues all people experience day to day. They make me a bit sick because it's an elitist mentality that acts against LGBTQ acceptance and visibility. Regarding privilege, it's not your problem, it's society's (for the trans community, typically Western society). Privilege isn't some immutable part of the natural world that certain animals or species are born with, it's what we (the whole) determine certain individuals or groups of people to be worth, hence it changes with geography and time. One could argue this is likely enforced through various mechanisms of wealth allocation in our capitalist system that has all types and magnitudes of discrimination ingrained into it, or ugly path dependencies from uglier times (women not being able to vote, the chemical castration of the gays, slavery etc). Yet, taking the idea that privilege can, and therefore should, be forced onto certain segments of the population only maintains the discriminatory power structure in itself, it's a self-defeating mentality that is (I would guess) put forward for the political purpose of division. Attitudes towards the LGBT community only shift when people like you are true to yourself. The fact that in the UK in 2018, for the most part the LGBT community can walk down the street relatively assured they won't be murdered is a reflection of progress that should in my opinion be celebrated.

[DustKitten]

Suppressing your feelings definitely won't make them go away.

I think the "I don't deserve to be happy" mindset is fairly typical for people who've suffered emotional abuse. It's important to make time for other people's needs and feelings, but that time shouldn't come at the expense of your own. If you're so concerned about everyone else's opinions that you drown out your own, you may need to step back a bit and focus on what you need.

Ultimately, you're responsible for your own happiness. No one else can make that choice for you.

[Sno]

Hi hon.

Your trauma is valid. It is equally valid to others. We try to denigrate our experiences, because we compare them to other more tangible visible traumas, and yet we are left in the corner, trying to make a square fit a circle. Feeling less valid and less valued every time we talk to anyone about it, so we just muddle on.

The problem with trauma, especially psychological trauma, is that it quietly steals self worth, self esteem and our ability to be compassionate to ourselves - in general we do not notice until it's gone. When we are so brutal to ourselves that our mental and physical health has suffered to the point where intervention is required.

Personally, I'm 6 months into this path - I'm pleased that you have a therapist, and are looking to address these challenges. It's a long road.

Determining what you need, and what is good for you will be a struggle - it certainly is for me. Have a read through Out of The Storm, you'll find a lot of folk in a similar situation, who do understand.

Feel free to PM me, if nothing else, I can listen.


(Hugs)


Rowan