Ever notice ... (growing as a person)

[SailorMars1994]

This may be long winded but I hope this post can help people realize who is there for them in life, especially when they are down. here we go.I have been in therapy since March or something, largely due to issues that accured long ago that I really don't want to regergatate. Anyways, I have noticed something more recently then ever that has really opened my eyes. For one, ever notice that those who accept you when you come out and encourage you to ask questions really seem to be there, whereas those who are adamant you are only your birth gender and if you're not then there is something wrong with you, you know that crowd of people tend to be out for themselves?

I have. And it was what was what was so hard for me to accept for however long. I have just a couple of examples but here we go. One was my Aunt who was adamant that I , no matter what I felt at all, that I could only be "male". It's funny because even as a kid she always pushed me to be masculine in subtle ways and the few times I saw her not sleep (as she did most of the time when I went to visit her) she was always trying to nuture then"man". When I came out to her she just went on saying I could only be a "man" and if I'm not it was due to abuse or truama.  she was adamant that I was running from being a man due to the abusive men she called in our family (my dad, uncle and grandfather). Also, it could only be them according to her. Even as I almost never saw grandfather and inwas somewhat distant with uncle (both who I never recall being totally awful?) and when I told her my step dad was far worse then anyone else, she denied it. Even though she knew my step dad had to be taken away by the police she made excuses for him and was adamant that the only truama I had came from thenother family.. invalidated on every way.

Then my cousin on my moms side would tell me flat up I'm not real and am a fake and my gender dysphoira is due to autism or something, but he said no matter what I'm not a true trans. He would also take behind my back tonother family members expressing his doubts. And when he realized that it wasn't going to just abandon transition at that time beciase he was being rude he then just became bluntly rude, mocking my appearance and implying I don't love myself. It laternturns out he questioned his sexuality and wondering if he was gay (among many other things in regards to gender and sexuality).... something tells me he is still questioning his identity in someway, after all no one is really that on you unless they have some insecurities of their own.

Through it all however I became to realize there nastiness is more about them then me! I have moved to this farm in April, which is a godsend given my mental state past few months with ptsd and other things. My roommate validates me just as a human. A female, capable of success and trusting her feelings. It is a validation I'm not used to, but she gives it to me all the time. I suffer from dysphoira still, mainly due to gentials but she helps me not feel crazy. I have began to realize that she, and other people in my life who play on my strengths and not my fears are actually around me! The big one was since coming out I noticed that those who validate me as a woman seem to genuinely care about me, whereas those who tried to shame me back to manhood seems to have alternative motives.

Realizing the good in people and in life has gotten me more active. I feel more worth in life. I had nasty depression kick in this winter. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was in 2016 when I first came here, butsnthats beciase I still have sanity and still can feel like the real me. My life has been getting more clear especially as I deal with demons and gain a new prospective. I hope that all of you know how valid and real and awesome you are, never let the dark kill your light!

[Northern Star Girl]

@SailorMars1994
Excellent and well written treatise about the trials, tribulations, frustrations.... and SUCESSES in your transition journey.
Thanks for posting this.   Many like minded members here will find your posting helpful and encouraging.
Hugs,
Danielle

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks girl <3

Reading my post it seems I took a lot of energy calling out the more self absorbed people, but it is true. A decent amount of exercise, finding a job you're happy with, realizing people are out there that do support you and care for the real you (the hardest thing to accept when you're used to being invalid) matters. And accepting it! Much of those new perspective I have gain only in the month of May. I still have a road to go, but I love being around people who care for me. I hope one day I can return that favour

[Sephirah]

Yeah that's one of the hardest things to differentiate in life. People who want you for you, and people who want you for them. There are a lot of folks who have a solid, concrete idea of who you are, and who they want you to be, because it suits them not you. And the idea of change freaks them out. Maybe because they're dealing with things themselves, or because they don't like changing the status quo.

I don't think that necessarily makes them bad people though. I think you just have to try and understand them. And why they are the way they are. Same as anyone in life, really. A lot of folks are selfish. Self absorbed. In varying degrees. Because it's human nature to put ones self first, for the most part. To do what's best for the individual. Trans folks are no different in many cases. The most primal of all evolutionary instincts is self preservation. To do what's necessary to lessen pain and mitigate suffering. And if that means hanging on to someone's identity even if it isn't the right one, then... well, that's a very hard instinct to override. For some there's a need for blame, for denial, for shaming and lashing out, to deal with the things they're going through themselves. Doesn't make them right for doing it, but it doesn't make them inherently nasty or bad people either.

Understanding why people are the way they are is a big step in letting go of feeling anger, or guilt, or hatred towards them. But it doesn't mean you have to associate yourself with them, either. As you say in your posts, being around people who care about you for you is a big step in letting go of a lot of your hangups in life and being able to move on. And I'm happy that you're able to do that. *big hugs*

[blackcat]

Thanks for posting this, it really resonates with my biggest struggles right now. The most difficult part about coming out (after coming out to myself ) has been realizing how many people don't actually support me.

There are a few people in my life who are slightly invalidating, but it comes from a place of concern, combined with lack of education (I'd bet some of them don't even know intersex people exist). These are the people who I think will understand with time. *fingers crossed* What they say hurts ("Are you sure this isn't just because of your childhood?"), but they haven't treated me any differently.

And then there are the other people who are threatened because it does rock their status quo, identity, etc., and those have been the absolute worst and most hurtful to deal with. I have been straight up disregarded like a leper by people who called me family and swore up and down they'd be there for me. Now I don't exist to them. I think some of them have various internalized phobias, too. It makes me want to sneeze all over everything and ask them if they saw the news the other day where it was determined being transgender is contagious. 

[HappyMoni]

Ashley,
   I am very thankful for you and your post. You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. "Don't let the dark kill your light." I have been experiencing some dark times with my family right now, and your words kind of put things in context for me. I know you don't live there any more, but I will always think of you fondly as 'my young friend from Petawawa.' lol You really do sound like you are finding yourself. You are pretty awesome and don't let anyone, relative or not, say different.
Moni

[DawnOday]

I'm glad you've come to grips with your journey, Most my relatives have died off. But the few remaining have accepted me for who I am. They are confused, why I didn't come out years ago. I have to remind them that I tried, as far back as 1984. But could not get the courage as it was not acceptable and we've come a long way since then. I don't want to sell anyone's journey short as no matter when it occurs it requires courage, inner strength and resolve. And as I've learned, the more information the better.

[SailorMars1994]

To the posters after my most recent post:

Thank you for sharing your own experiences. It is difficult and hard. One thing I wish everyone knew, cis or trans is that transition is not for the faint of heart. If you're trans you better expect to go on a real journey. Transition will make you learn things about yourself, something's awesome and enlightening other things perhaps scary in regards to your actual reality and knowing how beautiful and also cruel the real world is. As for CIS people  I wish they knew how big this is on anperson, most are awesome but some really don't understand (which is ok, we got education!) whereas others can be cruel. I'm really happy my experiences have provided a sense of unity among other members, I really hope for the best of everyone to be on their way.

Will add one last thing. If you're feeling shame, fear, guilt or even doubt, chances are it isn't anything to get paranoid about. In the past two weeks I learnt that all those things that I had once wrestled with, are not beciase I am not real, but due to schemas you picked up as a kid about yourself. If you get mocked, ridiculed or have your feelings repressed on invalidated (as many transgender people do) you develop a scheme where all your negatives become an inner voice. But it's just that, the old skin you wore never really existed loves<3

[SailorMars1994]

Ashley,
   I am very thankful for you and your post. You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. "Don't let the dark kill your light." I have been experiencing some dark times with my family right now, and your words kind of put things in context for me. I know you don't live there any more, but I will always think of you fondly as 'my young friend from Petawawa.' lol You really do sound like you are finding yourself. You are pretty awesome and don't let anyone, relative or not, say different.
Moni

As for you little miss Moni, I really owe you a lot of gratitude. I'm you're friend from Petawawa beciase the last time I had a major break down was when I did live in Petawawa Ontario, and I was actually very confused and lost in my own skin between extreme fear of being trans and extreme dysphoira of nything male. We became friends because younextended you're hand To me when inwas down, you, Sadie, Laurie, Kathy and actually a few others. Y'all gave me a lifting hand. Today I am in another depression and anxiety episode. This last break down is mainly because have to challenge all the stuff inwas told. About a month ago I actually thought about abandoning this as I felt so bad, but when you realize that then old feelings of dysphoira come back and you begin to lose track of reality and actually blank out due to the mental pain you begin to realize you're on the right path. Early May was a very rough time. Anyways, now after addressing where these schemas come in I realized that I am valid, as we all are. And I love ya girl, send me a PM sometime!

[Sno]

(Hugs)

Sounds like finally, you are healing, and I couldn't be happier for you.

Rowan

[josie76]

Ashley, that original post shows so much of the right attitude toward life. Something we all need a reminder of from time to time.  The "haters" around us are often so caught up in their own unhappiness that they cannot stand to see us move forward.

Most of my close family is supportive. My uncle who has lived close by my entire life however is very negative. He won't even look at me let alone speak to me. Like total silent treatment. His wife has called me by my chosen name but at the family Easter get together she was given dirty looks by him when he heard her do it. Now she makes a point of saying "Joshua" if he is around at all. He has made it a point to speak about me to my grandma. She just wants me to be happy and said she wishes I could have found someone to talk about this all with when I was younger in life. I've also heard that my uncle doesn't like that other people in the community know and talk about me. One thing I've found is people I went to school with who I have just basic FB communication with still today, really didn't care. Yeh it was weird to them, but people my age have way less hang ups about things. On the other side, people I worked with from the Dixie line South all dropped me like I was contagious. Interesting how those Southern people who are so polite to you can turn in an instant.

Sometimes I wonder if my uncle hates me so much because perhaps he too has transgender inclinations but refused to admit them his whole life. Maybe not but there is some deep source of the animosity which he does not have toward my gay older brother.

[KathyLauren]

What a great thread, Ashley!  I am so glad that you are finding yourself.

Through it all however I became to realize there nastiness is more about them then me!

This ^^^^ is so important!  I wish everyone who encountered nasty people could remember this.  It is about them, and we don't have to take any of it upon ourselves.

You go, girl!