Gender dysphoria...strong as ever?

[Mendi]

I started my transition some 8 months ago by moving to live as myself, as woman.

At first it seemed, that the dysphoria disappeared completely. It was relieved even more by the fact, that I managed to secure legal name change and HRT. Also I started to work again and was accepted I guess, because got only few remarks about being trans woman.

However, after several months and especially now, today, I´ve noticed, that the dysphoria is coming on stronger that ever and I cannot push it inside and hide it anymore, but have to suffer it through.

It´s just, that it´s not the same dysphoria anymore, people see me as a woman, or at least they are so good willed, that they treat me as one, I have a female name and physical changes in 7 month HRT have been more than I could have hoped for...all that, what caused dysphoria before, is now either fixed or in the process of being fixed.

However, now I see, that mourning my loss of life basically, for not ever experiencing of being a young woman, of never having children, of not having family...and basically loosing about 40 years of my life and the uncertainty of the HRT...it´s causing a new kind of dysphoria...something which I cannot even escape anymore. The anxiety over lost life, and the hate of being ts, of being robbed of my life, it´s I think even worse what the actual gender dysphoria before was.

Watching even tv hurts, when there are either young people, people with families...or anything that I deem that I missed and will never have.

I probably am not alone with these feelings?

[Maybebaby56]

I started my transition some 8 months ago by moving to live as myself, as woman.

At first it seemed, that the dysphoria disappeared completely. It was relieved even more by the fact, that I managed to secure legal name change and HRT. Also I started to work again and was accepted I guess, because got only few remarks about being trans woman.

However, after several months and especially now, today, I´ve noticed, that the dysphoria is coming on stronger that ever and I cannot push it inside and hide it anymore, but have to suffer it through.

It´s just, that it´s not the same dysphoria anymore, people see me as a woman, or at least they are so good willed, that they treat me as one, I have a female name and physical changes in 7 month HRT have been more than I could have hoped for...all that, what caused dysphoria before, is now either fixed or in the process of being fixed.

However, now I see, that mourning my loss of life basically, for not ever experiencing of being a young woman, of never having children, of not having family...and basically loosing about 40 years of my life and the uncertainty of the HRT...it´s causing a new kind of dysphoria...something which I cannot even escape anymore. The anxiety over lost life, and the hate of being ts, of being robbed of my life, it´s I think even worse what the actual gender dysphoria before was.

Watching even tv hurts, when there are either young people, people with families...or anything that I deem that I missed and will never have.

I probably am not alone with these feelings?

Hi Mendi,

No, you're not alone. I am a passable trans woman, living full-time legally as a female, out at work, and to all that know me. I have done just about everything I can do medically to bring my body into congruence with my self-perception, HRT, FFS, SRS, breast augmentation, etc, but it only gets you so far, and sometimes I am acutely aware I will never be anything more than a reasonable facsimile of a cis-gender woman.

I kind of knew that when I started transitioning, which is why my goal was not "to be a woman", but "to be perceived as and treated as female in a social and personal context", with all the privileges and shortcomings that entails. Ironically my transition was more successful than I could have imagined, and it leaves me with this tantalizing closeness to authenticity that can result in this very odd dysphoria, which I'm guessing is similar to what you feel.

It's not the dysphoria of living as a male, but the frustration of being so close to being fully female, but never quite there. And I never will be. I never had a girlhood, or a mother-daughter relationship, never had slumber parties with girlfriends, and never menstruated or became pregnant or even had a womb.  As much as I identify as female, I missed the years of socialization, and it is impossible to remove all vestiges of 50 years of testosterone poisoning, no matter how many surgeries I have.

But no, none of that is worse than still living as a male.  I will take my 60 year-old transgender self over living as a male any day of the week. Despite the short-comings I mentioned, I am still far, far happier as a TS than I ever was as a cis-male.

With kindness,

Terri 

[randim]

I don't think you are alone at all.  There is no shortage of things that make humans sad, and it's pretty common to have regrets about lost time and missed opportunities.  "For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these. 'It might have been'."  You have far more lost time than most, and it seems really reasonable you would have those emotions.  But even if you can't relive your life as you would have liked, in the present and going forward you can. 

[HappyMoni]

   Please do not consider this a criticism of your views on your situation but rather a statement  of my view on me. I am finally living female at the age of 60. (2 years full time) That is a long time to wait and miss out on stuff. Now, I have a choice. I could mourn and focus on all the things I lost out on or I could focus on the fact of finally living as a woman now. To me this is the choice to emphasize the negative or to emphasize the positive. I chose to emphasize the negative and mourn what I have lost, but for very brief periods of time. Those feelings are real and denying them completely is kind of like lying to myself. Now, if I do this for more than a brief time, I betray everything I have worked so hard to attain for myself. I will not, absolutely will not, poison my 'good' because it is not 'perfect.' All I have to do is consider any other woman on this planet who was born female. Their lives are not perfect. Why should I need perfect before allowing myself to enjoy my female self. Ashley (@SailorMars) said something the other day that summed it up for me. She said, "Never let the dark kill your light." Hey, I am going to grab for all the freaking happiness that I can find or create.
   Now that said, I am sorry for the distress you are feeling. I do not minimize the pain that you have. Really, the trans thing isn't the best hand to be dealt. If I had any practical advice for you it might be to be open to new experiences. Start trying to build new wonderful memories from this day forward. Finding good new things helps ease the pain of the past stuff. Give your new life a little time.
Monica

[Rachel]

Hi Mendi,

I have been full time 3 years in I think September and 5 years transitioning. I have had a lot of surgery and I may do a few more tweaks in the future. I have done the best I can to align myself. I no longer have genital dysphoria, which is so much of a relief.

I am working on letting go. I need to forgive myself and some day I may be able to do that. I carry guilt and regret. It is much better than before but I still carry that weight.

I know that my gender dysphoria, which was much worse than I imagined, had layers. When I did a procedure it helped but another perceived flaw became more apparent. Even when I did something to align I questioned the final outcome. An example is my BA. Even now I think my boobs could be bigger and more wound, more round than anything. The bigger and more round would be to reduce the with between boobs and make cleavage. 

I do know as time passes my past has become less important and I look forward to being me each day. It really is a privilege that many of us are not able or are scared to be. I am lucky I have my job which is as much work I love and people that are close to me. I have really changed and for the better, much better. I have grown to like me or how I am now.

I know that when my hair grew in and I had my BA all the sudden I am always gendered female. Somewhere along the way of the three year journey full time I am comfortable in my skin and do not either care or notice when people look, which is more rare now.

I was thinking just today that my gender or being trans never comes up anymore at work. I guess it takes a lot of hard work and time for the changes to really sink in and take root.

Anyhow, remember to breath, you are early in your transition. Give yourself the same slack you give others (I am still trying to do this) and enjoy your transition. I know it is scary and full of unpleasant things but I know I grew so much from the experiences. I am so much stronger now than I was 5 years ago.

Good luck with your transition,
Rachel

[Ryuichi13]

   Please do not consider this a criticism of your views on your situation but rather a statement  of my view on me. I am finally living female at the age of 60. (2 years full time) That is a long time to wait and miss out on stuff. Now, I have a choice. I could mourn and focus on all the things I lost out on or I could focus on the fact of finally living as a woman now. To me this is the choice to emphasize the negative or to emphasize the positive. I chose to emphasize the negative and mourn what I have lost, but for very brief periods of time. Those feelings are real and denying them completely is kind of like lying to myself. Now, if I do this for more than a brief time, I betray everything I have worked so hard to attain for myself. I will not, absolutely will not, poison my 'good' because it is not 'perfect.' All I have to do is consider any other woman on this planet who was born female. Their lives are not perfect. Why should I need perfect before allowing myself to enjoy my female self. Ashley (@SailorMars) said something the other day that summed it up for me. She said, "Never let the dark kill your light." Hey, I am going to grab for all the freaking happiness that I can find or create.
   Now that said, I am sorry for the distress you are feeling. I do not minimize the pain that you have. Really, the trans thing isn't the best hand to be dealt. If I had any practical advice for you it might be to be open to new experiences. Start trying to build new wonderful memories from this day forward. Finding good new things helps ease the pain of the past stuff. Give your new life a little time.
Monica

I feel similar to Monica.  I refuse to mourn the past that I can't change for more than a few moments.  I lived for nearly 55 years as AFAB, and even though I am currently transitioning, I don't regret those "lost" years.  Instead I view them as a learning experience, to see how the '"other side lives," as it were. 

I am 18 months on T, and have been living as male full time for over three years.  Before then, I lived as an asexual, but  mostly male person.  I see the great chasm that being seen as male brings me, and even though its a sad fact that women are often "looked down upon" as weak, I make sure to not treat them as such now that I pass as male 90% of the time.  I am respectful but not condescending, honorable but not haughty, kind, but not belittling.  I feel that, living as AFAB for much of my life, I have seen the mistakes that cis men make, and I try my best to not repeat those mistakes.

I could spend my time mourning the fact that my father didn't get to teach me how to shave, that I never got to play with the other boys and be treated as such (I was treated as a girl playing with boys), that I never got to experience what its like to wake up with a piss hard-on, or any other things fathers and older brothers teach their younger brothers, or that AMABs experience.  Instead, I have picked most those things up myself, or learned about them through research.   

To me, it is a waste of my life to think too much of the "Shoulda, woulda, coulda," because as the rest of the saying goes, "It does no good-a."  I focus on what kind of man I am, and what I wish to become.  I focus on what good I can do to others, to the world and to the Universe. 

Forgiving myself for something I couldn't help?  I see no need to do so.  I was born AFAB, and even though I didn't know I could transition until four years ago, I am doing so now.  Sure, I could cry over time lost, but what would be the point?  Instead, I look towards the future as a happier, kinder, loving myself man, eager to take the next steps to become my authentic self. 

And when those bad feelings come on, I turn up the happy music and dance around the house like I did as a teenager.  Face it, many of us are going through "second puberty," so why not enjoy it?    I am living life, loving life and enjoying life, despite the occasional "dark times."  I'm not going to let them keep me down, I have too many more life experiences to look forward to to worry about the past for too long!

I hope you too remember to "turn up the happy music and dance around the house" whenever dysphoria raises its ugly head.  And always remember, you are still evolving as a person, even after you have finished doing everything you need to to become your authentic self.     

Even when enveloped in the darkness, keep reaching for the light, and you will eventually find that you will reach it. 

Ryuichi

[Mendi]

Thanks for the answers, all of them are appriciated.

And the be clear, I am happy the way I am and would never ever return to try to live as a man, never.

It´s just the layered dysphoria that I guess has surprised me. I guess I expected that transitioning would take all of dysphoria away, but seems the deeper layers will remain, because those are things that cannot be changed.

Terri described it very well, how I feel. It is a strange dysphoria, when at the same time I´m happy to look at me, but there is dysphoria of everything, that cannot be changed or things that never was.

[HappyMoni]

I don't know if this is at all similar Mendi, but when I went full time the first six months, I thought my dysphoria was gone. Then my body dysphoria kicked in and it was very bad. Yes Terri's layered dysphoria is a good term. I got my GCS and another part was gone. Now I am awaiting breast surgery and am hoping the biggest remaining chunk will go. Each time it is better though. I hope what you describe will get better for you. Time and new experiences will hopefully help. I think a newly transitioned person has a period of time where we are lost with the new rules we are living with. It is frustrating and at times awkward. As we get more assimilated, maybe the loss of not learning these things in childhood becomes less of a big issue. We have less to catch up on. I am still settling in in some respects. Still find  myself wishing it wasn't so new and that I had grown up learning it.
Moni

[Denni]

Mendi, I cannot pretend to know the level of your dysphoria. All I can do is offer to you my own experience of where I am at in my life and the level of dysphoria presently. I am older than you, have lived with this all of my life and as I have aged it has increased  to where I finally could not continue to live as I had. Accepted myself as transgender three years ago, have been on HRT for almost two years now. New birthday is Sept. 1st., the HRT has markedly decreased my dysphoria. Does the transbeast still come calling, sure, but with less intensity and the intervals longer between those visits. We cannot change what has happened in the past, could I wonder what life could have been if I had done this earlier, sure, but it would be self defeating. There is only one thing that we can change, and that is how we live today, tomorrow, and the days after. Focusing on making those changes in a positive manner can influence the level of dysphoria, at least it does for me. Hope that this helps, hugs