Hi everyone, I've been confused about my gender for several years and wanted some advice.
I had a bipolar manic episode when I was 16 or 17 and that was the first time I thought I was a gay trans man. In high school, I told my counselor that I wanted to be a gay man and she said "try being more flamboyant as a woman." My mental health wasn't the greatest my first few years of college, where I tried wearing masculine clothing and going by a male name and he/him/his pronouns. I was deeply unhappy this way (my parents and grandmother didn't like it and told me that I wasn't transgender, and I felt weird in the clothes I wore due to being overweight) and I also started dating a lesbian, so I opted to wear ultra-feminine clothing (long skirts and flowing tops). I've been happier this way but I still have bouts of wishing I was a gay man. When I watch my gay male singer idols on youtube, I feel like I wish I could be one of them (I'm a singer and I'm persuing it as my career). I know that if I was with a bisexual man that I would want to be a dude too. I've tried to make myself happy with being a woman in a lesbian relationship, because I'm very happy with the girl, but I don't think I will be able to reach my gender potential in a queer female relationship. And she and I plan to get married. I would feel way too butch being a trans man with a woman. I guess the best way to sum it up is that I'd prefer to be a feminine trans gay man but since I'm with a woman, being a queer woman is the next best thing. I think I am very feminine. In fact, when I was presenting as male my friends said that they didn't think I was trans because I'm so feminine. I guess I wish I could be a flamboyant gay man. I beleive in reincarnation and I think I've lived past lives as gay men. I think that's where the desire to be a gay man comes from. I have gained a lot of weight from my medication for bipolar, so I feel most comfortable wearing flowing feminine outfits. If I still had a slim figure I think I would want to dress more androgynously. I feel like a complete jerk when I was identifying as a trans man, I always felt like a fake. I feel like a fake as nonbinary or as a woman as well. I honestly am fed up with myself at this point. I'm sick of ranting to friends and family about my gender every so often. I feel like no one takes my gender identity seriously anymore. Before I go to bed at night, I sometimes fantasize about starting my adult life in a different city and living as a gay trans man. It won't ever happen because i love my girlfriend too much. But thats basically it.
I was wondering if anyone has any idea of a gender identity that best fits me according to what I said. Am I a gay trans man, or just a woman with fantasies about being a gay man? Thank you.
