For my self discovery during my teens I had a lot of questions pertaining to how I could even be trans, like: "am I too feminine to be a trans guy?" and trying to understand my feelings like: "is this really gender dysphoria or just a strong wish to be male?" and also denial and self-criticism like: "what if I could enjoy being a woman if I just tried harder to?"
Me being into men and liking dresses and makeup created a huge conflict in my mind about if I was actually trans or not. As a teen I often thought of myself as "a girl who's actually a guy but wants to look like a girl" as I struggled to separate sex, gender and gender expression and lacked the right words to describe how I felt.
Back then the only way to be a trans guy that was accepted was being straight, masculine and dominant and I was neither of those. I had very little social dysphoria but a lot of body dysphoria. So all the talk about presenting masculine confused me when all I wanted and needed was for my body to look male underneath the clothes. So my entire focus was on hormones and surgery. I even said on multiple occasions that I didn't care about passing. I got some weird looks and assuptions thrown at me for that. I think even the gender therapists I saw misinterpreted that.
What I eventually figured out about myself is that I definitely think of myself as a guy, that my personality just happens to be rather androgynous, that men can be gay, and if cis guys can be feminine then so can I. I'm more masculine now in my presentation, but that happened naturally and was not something I was swayed to become.
Also, it's understandable wanting to stop being trans, I've felt the same myself many times. Like it's a huge loss of control and a burden. It's not an easy thing to accept for many of us. Eventually I did come to accept it though, but I've never come to like it.
