I have several questions about the experience of gender identity and gender dysphoria as I'm trying to puzzle it out and having trouble with the emotions due my minor autism spectrum disorder.
Firstly, how does one experience gender? What are the perspectives, thoughts, behaviors, etc. that are associated with being a part of one's gender?
Second, many people have told me that their experience of beginning social and/or medical transition was in terms of transition or suicide, but I feel that if I were to not transition in any way I could persist, albeit unhappily, are there others who feel the same? Should transition only be considered as an alternative to suicide? I recently read "And She Was," by Jessica Verdi, which makes a big deal of the mother having considered transition the only alternative to suicide.
Third, still more people have told me that the experience of being transgender pre-transition is not a statement of 'I want to be a different sex,' but rather 'I am a different gender and my sex is wrong.' I am male, my body is male and my mind is irrelevant in that judgement as I have no understanding of the concept of gender identity in relation to myself, but I cannot see myself as female though I desperately wish I were a woman and think I would feel more comfortable and more confident is myself and my appearance if I were and looked like one, however this leads me to the question of whether or not that constitutes gender dysphoria or simply a desire to feel attracted to myself/body dysmorphic disorder. My mother brings up the question of whether I would rather be in an unattractive out of shape female body or a fit male body to attempt to determine whether my question is a matter of gender or a matter of feeling attractive, and I'm not sure how to answer that. What are the thoughts about this.
I would greatly appreciate any input anyone who asked themselves similar questions can provide.
