[Inspired by The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)]
[This is kind of like an online journal where I'll put down my thoughts]
[Contains posts/replies from other threads]
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My mom says that I'm too old to be realizing that I'm transgender and that if I really was transgender I would have known a lot earlier. I started thinking about it when I was 13 and now I'm 19 and seriously considering it (I'm like 90% sure that I'm transgender but comments from my mom and others are making me doubt myself).
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I didn't really think there was a set age, but my mom kept saying it over and over so I just had to ask. Now that I think about it there were signs when I was younger, but I just recently started college and came to a place mentally (and physically) where I could really start finding out who I am. I thought I was agender at first, but now I'm pretty sure that was just an excuse to dress like a guy without saying I'm a guy. Thank you for your reply anastasialea, I think what you described above ("I think realising you're different in the way you think, act, behave comes first, then figuring out you're transgender comes next...I can't imagine there is a set age at which anyone comes out/or makes the realisation") is what happened with me.
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I've been thinking about this a lot recently and have realized that I was showing signs when I was much younger. All of my friends were boys and I preferred doing boyish activities to girlish ones. I was called a tomboy by almost all of my friends at the time. The issue I'm facing at the moment is that my mom thinks I'm moving too quickly, that it doesn't make sense that my realization came out of seemingly nowhere. I don't think it did some out of nowhere, though. I told her about the signs from earlier in my life and how I had been thinking actively about it when I was 13, but was too caught up with my anxiety and depression to act on it. I think I subconsciously knew but it never became apparent until recently when I cut my hair and started dressing like a guy. Does it happen "suddenly" like this for some people? My mom is concerned that it's only been a few months and I already have a very strong urge to be male. She wants me to be confident in myself and who I am right now, but I don't feel confident as Louise. I feel confident as Louis, more than I ever have before (and I've had self-confidence issues for a long time). When I picture myself as Louis, I feel so much happier. *Sigh*
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My therapist is being very supportive, and my younger sibling, who is genderfluid, has already agreed to call me Louis and use male pronouns, both of which are great things. It's my mom who I'm having trouble with. I told her that I'm transgender but she just doesn't seem to accept it. I mean she supports transgender rights and other transgender people, but she seems to have a problem with her own child being trans (this is just speculation on my part based on my interactions with her). When I asked her to call me Louis and use male pronouns, her expression was very uncomfortable and judgemental, and she seemed hesitant to agree. She asked, "Do I have to introduce you to people as Louis?" and I said yes. Then she asked, "And what am I supposed to say? This is Louis, my what?" I said, "Your son." She shook her head and looked away. I try to talk to her about it, explain to her how I feel and all that, but whenever I do she challenges me. She always asks, "Well, are you 100% sure?" I would be if you stopped questioning everything I say! I know she wants to be supportive but she's making me doubt myself. She said to me, "I just want you to be comfortable with who you are," and I said, "What if who I am is a boy?" She didn't like that answer. I said, "What if the reason why I'm not comfortable dating/being intimate is because I'm in the wrong body?" She said, "Maybe you just have confidence issues and that's why." Maybe I have confidence issues, again, because I'm not in the right body! I've been asking a lot of questions like this lately. All I really know for sure is that when I dressed like a boy and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm Louis," it felt right. When people online referred to me using male pronouns, it felt right. When my therapist told me to start living as Louis, I was so excited. When my mom challenges me, I feel offended. When people call me Louise and use female pronouns, it makes me uncomfortable.
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"I feel like myself when dressing like a male. Dressing like a woman makes me uneasy, and nervous. I'm thinking what people will think about me in a dress. When I change in the change room at work, I hide my body from the women in there." I feel the same way. Talking to you guys has really helped me become more sure of myself and who I am. I also agree that my mom needs time to adjust.
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