An unexpected visitor

[Devlyn]

I'm genderfluid, and I have what I call "boy days". This is how my latest encounter with myself went. 

I went past the mirror last night and he was looking back at me. Mike, the old me. I actually said out loud "Funny seeing you here." I looked away and turned back with my best smile, but there he was, in the eyes. The old familiar stare, I'd recognize it anywhere.

This time I said "You are there. What do you want? To talk? Do you want the body back?"

No answers came, but those boy eyes just kept looking back at me. I don't live in front of the mirror, so I moved on and the next time I saw my reflection there was a woman looking back with a less intense look in her eyes.

I know you're in there, Michael. You are welcome to drive this body anytime you like. You got us here in one piece after 50 odd years of traveling, after all. 

[RobynD]

That is so neat. I'm not fully aware of what the non-binary experience is, but I do totally see how that would be an interaction.

As my transition has progressed, less and less do i want to see me as new vs. old. The person with the other name and all the stuff that person did, are still within me. I've never really wanted to retire that person.

To be sure, that person was a woman acting like a dude, but usually enjoying a lot of it. I often say to people that knew me in the past that i'm the same person, i look different, dress different and use the right language and pronouns now, but still that person, only having changed as all people do over the course of their lives.

[Sno]

I hope you don't mind, but I've done this with your post..

I have what I call "boy days"

I went past the mirror last night and he was looking back at me. 
I actually said out loud "Funny seeing you here."
I looked away and turned back with my best smile,
but there he was,
in the eyes.
The old familiar stare, I'd recognize anywhere.
Mike, the old me.

This time I said "You are there.
Do you want to talk?
Do you want the body back?"
No answers came,
those boy eyes just kept looking back at me.

I don't live in front of the mirror,
so I moved on.
The next time I saw my reflection,
There was a woman looking back,
with a less intense look in her eyes.

Hope you like it

Rowan

[Donna]

I'm genderfluid, and I have what I call "boy days". This is how my latest encounter with myself went. 

I went past the mirror last night and he was looking back at me. Mike, the old me. I actually said out loud "Funny seeing you here." I looked away and turned back with my best smile, but there he was, in the eyes. The old familiar stare, I'd recognize it anywhere.

This time I said "You are there. What do you want? To talk? Do you want the body back?"

No answers came, but those boy eyes just kept looking back at me. I don't live in front of the mirror, so I moved on and the next time I saw my reflection there was a woman looking back with a less intense look in her eyes.

I know you're in there, Michael. You are welcome to drive this body anytime you like. You got us here in one piece after 50 odd years of traveling, after all. 

Great way to explain it Devlyn. I've experienced that this month. I just couldn't see Donna anywhere I looked and then as fast as she was gone she was back. Glad you and Mike can still get along so well. I don't mind Doug visiting some times as long as he behaves himself. Lol

[Devlyn]

I hope you don't mind, but I've done this with your post..

Hope you like it

Rowan

  I love it, Rowan. Your version is better than mine. Bless you for thinking to structure it that way.

Hugs, Devlyn

[MissyMay2.0]

I don't fully understand the gender fluid/non-binary identity, however, I assumed that GF/NB persons fully embraced their male/female gender spectrum, therefore they wouldn't feel any dysphoria, or mind/body mismatch whenever they saw their reflection in the mirror whether it appeared more masculine or feminine, but from what you stated; I guess this is not the case for some GF//NB persons, but could be for others?

[Devlyn]

I don't fully understand the gender fluid/non-binary identity, however, I assumed that GF/NB persons fully embraced their male/female gender spectrum, therefore they wouldn't feel any dysphoria, or mind/body mismatch whenever they saw their reflection in the mirror whether it appeared more masculine or feminine, but from what you stated; I guess this is not the case for some GF//NB persons, but could be for others?

Definitely a YMMV thing.

My outward appearance hadn't changed, I knew I was perceiving myself as male because  the male was front and center. This is as difficult to describe as "How does it feel to be male/female?" 

I decided to post because some people have described not understanding NB, and I felt lucid enough last night to give an explanation. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Michelle_P]

That's a beautiful description, Devlyn. (And I like the reworked version as well!)

I had some similar experiences in mid- transition, but they were accompanied with severe dysphoria and were upsetting. He hasn't been back since then.

I wonder if a part of bring non binary is a better degree or range of self- acceptance?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SailorMars1994]

Cool stuff Devlyn! I am still amazed and envious of how liberal and relaxed you are with life.

For me it's hard. There are days I see "him" or feel "him", that being said those days are usurally accompanied with massive dysphoira, anxiety and insomnia. I suppose not  somewhat unsimilar to  Michelle. I'm happy you're all good with your life =)

[ErinWDK]

The idea of YMMV really holds here.  I run much of the time in boy mode because the female me is not very accepted in my community and social circles.  I could fight this and prevail as female, but I am working in a different direction in therapy at the moment.  The gender dysphoria is actually NOT the biggest issue I am fighting.  So what I have happen, rather often, is that as I look in the mirror in full boy mode is that I see the female me.  As Devlyn has said I see this in the eyes.

There are so many interconnected parts of me that the whole situation is complicated.  I can't really say that the male part is really female that has pretended to be male.  I sort of want to say this; but it does not ring fully true.  Some of us have more complexity to explore and understand than others.  So, YMMV!

[stephaniec]

he lurks in my dreams

[justine77]

Interesting but a bit spooky, like being haunted by your own ghost. I've never had that feeling or any gender dysphoria but what I have had is the feeling of being an outside observer watching myself interacting with other people in bars, clubs etc.  Justine x

[justine77]

I should also say I've had the feeling of being like Harry Haller in Steppenwolf (the book by Hermann Hesse) if you are familiar with that. Justine x

[Tessa James]

Thank you for sharing that perspective Devlyn.  I too accept myself as non binary and one reason my old first name is now my middle name.  I cannot and will not deny myself or try to hide any part of my life and the truth I once hid too well.  During early transition I was so anxious to leave him and his behind.  Now part of my acceptance is the certainty that my full long life living as a man was still true and without a ton of surgery and effort some obvious tells would remain.  Why should anyone hide their truth?  I hid my feelings of being a girl for so long that she became a mere shadow.  I do not want anything left in the shadows to be fearful of again.

My dysphoria is considerably better but occasionally haunts me when I too get a glimpse of that guy in the mirror that looks too much like my dad.  Living this way con be disconnecting for others who do the double take and sometimes use projection to suggest I am confused.   While I acknowledge people who are non binary can be confusing to others it is clear to me that this is my lived reality and the truth as best I can achieve it.

Yes I lived a long time and fairly well as an androgynous and out bisexual man.  My dysphoria however clearly became progressively worse and is now episodic rather than a chronicle of daily pain.  I think that my ability to cope with being so very different has helped me find a comfortable place somewhere in the middle of it all.

[Devlyn]

Interesting but a bit spooky, like being haunted by your own ghost. I've never had that feeling or any gender dysphoria but what I have had is the feeling of being an outside observer watching myself interacting with other people in bars, clubs etc.  Justine x

I hope you meant no harm with this. I'm genderfluid, and we're in the Non-binary section. I don't see how spooky applies here. My male side is alive and well, not a ghost haunting me.

[Sno]

Oh, you're so funny sometimes... (Hugs). Justine's post ,(unless I am mistaken), was referring to Stephanie's post where she sees her male self in her dreams... such is the danger in an interject.


Rowan

[justine77]

Hi Devlyn, no harm or anything negative intended. I didn't express myself too well, I wish you only good fortune. Justine x

[Devlyn]

Hi Devlyn, no harm or anything negative intended. I didn't express myself too well, I wish you only good fortune. Justine x

No worries, I have a tough time describing it myself. 

Had a boy day today, still am, in fact. Just got home from getting my roots touched up. That's one pretty boy!