Would HRT help someone like me?

[Crist]

Hello,

I am currently going through a lot of pain and depression, and I am looking for help to deal with that. I am someone assigned male at birth that have a gender identity close to that of a transwoman. (Note: English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistake on my text that I wasn't able to spot)
I am asking the question on the title because I seem to have a different mindset to all the transwoman I have met so far, hence I am not sure whether what help them will help me. The differences that I have noticed are as mostly related to the two following ways I see the world:
a)   I don't believe that a person belongs to the gender they identify with if their body is not congruent with it. I am not saying that a person's gender is completely reliant on their physical attributes but rather that those are still a fundamental part of it. I am not saying either that such a person belongs to the gender they were assigned. I would say that they will be some place in the middle.
b)   I don't think that you can find beauty in everyone, at least not the type of beauty that I find valuable. I do agree that there is such a thing as "societal standards of beauty" that those had influenced my own standards. However, I also believe that they are in a big part consequence of my and even if that wasn't those are my standards now and changing them just because it would make me feel better feels dishonest.
As consequences of (a) not only I don't see myself as a woman, but I see myself much closer to be a man. This really hurts. I have been told that most likely I won't have problems passing however there are things that I won't be able to change and sometimes that makes me feel hopeless and I fear that I will always feel incomplete and that transitioning is pointless.
Now, even if I can get past what bothers me from (a) that is where (b) comes in. I know that most people whose opinion I really care about would find other attributes more valuable that physical attractiveness. However, if I get a body that I find acceptable then I would feel inferior, defective, even if I become the nicest, smartest and kindest person ever. I have been told before that cis teenaged girls go through an experience like what I have just described (which makes me feel as an immature fool since I am almost 30) but I find that unfair since they don't have to deal with a body that is the result of a male puberty.
I have tried several things already ever since I started dealing with depression a couple of years back. I started going to counseling with someone that had a little knowledge of transgender problems. That didn't work so I started taking antidepressants but so far that has been futile as well. They only thing that had help in the past has been intensive programs for depression (I was even hospitalized a couple of times for fear of suicide) sadly that only lasted for a couple of weeks and the last time I tried my depression came back within days. I have also tried presenting female whenever I go out or to work. I have been doing it for a couple of months and even though I help for a couple of days the effect wore off. Now I keep doing it because dressing as a man makes me even more depressed so in a way I am in a worse place now. I find myself believing that I am just a man in a dress pretending to be a woman. The fact that I am feeling this way makes me doubt that changing my body would actually help me.
I am currently considering TMS but my counselor has suggested that I try HRT. The reason I haven't tried the second option is because I am doubtful that it will actually help, for the reasons I have just described, I am not comfortable with at least two of the side effects and it would severely damage the relationship I have with some of my family members (I am not living in my home town, so I can dress as a man when I go visit).
I have heard that hormones have help some people mood-wise but I am not sure that will be the case for me. My depression didn't come out of nowhere but rather as a consequence of learning that I was trans and the limitations of what I can do to change myself.
By the way, the side effects I mentioned are the potential change in sexuality (some people claim that hormones had shifted their sexual orientation and even though they also say that it wasn't a big deal for them the sole idea freaks me out. I feel as though I would lose a part of myself) and the genital atrophy (that is the reason I don't see my gender identity as a full transwoman). Some people have suggested to try hormones and if I don't like it I can stop, but what if the changes are not reversible?
I am running out of options and I don't want to go through HRT if it is not going to help.
Please let me know what you think. Do you have or had a similar mindset to mine or do you know someone who does or did? If so, did hormones help? Is there something else I can try?

Thank you for reading

[BlueJaye]

I wouldn't say my situation was exactly the same as yours, but I did feel that transitioning was impossible and hopelessly unrealistic since I believed I would never pass as a woman anyway.

Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. Transition or not, I couldn't remain as I was forever. I finally came out to my wife and therapist, told the whole truth about my lifelong hidden struggles to both of them, and spoke with an endocrinologist at the local lgbt clinic. I was scared out of my mind, because full transition at this point in my life would be very messy (married, kids, career, etc.). The endocrinologist had a lot of good points about the manageability of HRT. Some outward feminization might be unavoidable no matter how low the dosage, but I should be able to pass as a man if I need to for as long as I need. So, I took a deep breath and jumped into HRT.

And...I wish I had done it years sooner! Emotionally and mentally I began to feel improvement within hours of my first dose (I take pills, not patches or injections). I am coming up on 4 weeks on HRT and I haven't felt this stable and calm emotionally and mentally in decades. At least since before puberty. I now have no doubts that my brain was meant to run on female hormone balance. Even at the low dose that the endocrinologist started me at, I feel so much better that I find it hard to believe that I used to function successfully without it.

For the first time in my life, gender dysphoria is manageable. It's still there, and it still bothers me many times every day, but I haven't felt suicidal even a single day since starting HRT.

As for changes in sexual orientation, I have not experienced that and don't believe it is very common.

MTF HRT does two things: it feminizes the body and it provides a female hormone balance for your brain and nervous system. The first part can be managed through dosage, but where most people find the biggest improvement in quality of life is in what HRT does for the brain, emotions, and mind. I personally would try HRT if I were in your shoes and had access to a good lgbt endocrinologist. It is completely reversible in the first few months no matter how aggressive the dosing, which should be plenty of time to figure out if it helps or not.

[Devlyn]

Hi Crist, welcome to Susan's Place!

Lets see, I'm not a woman, so I don't care about whether people think I am or not. I'm on HRT and had my testicles removed. The point is, we all land in wildly different spots. Only you know where your destination is and what is right for you.

See you around the site.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Northern Star Girl]

Hello Christ,  Thank you for introducing yourself. 
I see that @Devlyn already has welcomed you to Susan's Place but please allow me to do the same.

I see that you are new here and have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Crist]

Thank you all for the responses. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. In general it is very hard for me to communicate with people and the depression is making it worse.

I guess I feel somewhat more certain that hormones could potentially help my mood. However the two things I mentioned still bother me a lot. Specially the genitals´s one. At first I thought that I could live with that but the more I think about it the more uncomfortable it makes me. Do you know of anyone who is or has been in a similar situation? What did they do and what were the results?

There is also another thing. As a read through the forums I saw many people claiming that hormones changed their though process. It seems unlikely that any of that would affect my work but outside of the dysphoria, depression and being very meek, I like how my brain works. Have you meet someone that wasn't ok with the mental changes due to the hormones?

Do you know of any other options besides hormones that would diminish the pain?

Thank you for your time and I wish you all the best

[Jessica]

Hi Crist 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
As far as your two fears.  Genital atrophy isn't a foregone conclusion and sexual orientation is not the same as gender orientation.
If your endocrinologist is able to prescribe the correct dosages for your personal self and keep your T level just enough to keep your libido alive, things will still work.  Maybe not as easy and maybe need a bit of help with erectile medications, but atrophy isn't certain.
My thoughts on sexuality is that if you feel attracted to a certain gender now, and have felt comfortable with that, chances are that's who you are.  If you feel it's changed, it may have been there the whole time and you never realized it until given an opportunity.

@Alaskan Danielle has welcomed you to a great site that can help you find answers to questions, and questions to answers.  Each bit of information gathered from the experience of our members can open up new ideas and bring an awareness of who you are.
Please read the site rules she has provided for you.  They are there to help guide you on the forums and keep things happy for all of us.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Donna]

We all do it our way. No one way is right or wrong. You can't say in advance how HRT will affect you and you don't want to write off what could be. Talk to a therapist for starters and go from there. We all move thru this at our own speed and level. Your interests in relationships may change over time and more than once. Moods and feelings are going to be in flux for some time so all you can do is go for the ride and see where it takes you. Good luck and best wishes with your hourney

[jamiekisses]

Hi Crist
1st of all your english is great and im sure is a lot better than mine
I think i am and have been very close to your situation . Im 42 , father of six , ptsd , seen a lifetime of hard core ->-bleeped-<- and had to man it up over a lifetime completely for simple survival . I always had feelings and conflict of gender but until a few years ago always thought i was alone in this . for too long i repressed myself , my expressions and my identity for others who in the end i gave a choice to like it or lump it, i have to explore myself or probably die . now many have been understanding but have distanced themselves though and thats ok . not everyone can be expected to embrace whatever you choose to do to survive but you living and breathing is not about them really is it . now my standards of beauty are pretty high and the fact i will never be the pretty person i feel i am and should be does get me down sometimes but uno i was built like and ok with a huge back and boxer nose from heavy labour and tons of king hits . now the wonderful thing is that when i tried hrt and came out after finding out what GD was it was like walking through a portal .not instantly of course but gradually the symptoms of fear selfloathing anxiety depression started to seep away . it is going to take much more therapy of course with a skilled GD psychologist ,my Gender Psychiratrist and endocrinologist but totaly worth doing. as for the changes well it has sure shat on where i was and i do believe all things put together not just the hrt are responsible for that . after living through so much ->-bleeped-<- in my 42 years i dont belieive i can ever lose that part of the man i am/was or had to play for the world after living that identity for so long is so ingrained but even so the the path to find or refind myself has been of the greatest value .
sexuality wise i always liked both but alot of the female attraction was fitting into the norm of the sex roles, i fantasised about men often and always flt a little bit funny around a rare few i think now im out my ability to be open about my sexual feelings has started to clear that up intensly and i dont think its the hrt doing that .  rarely look at guys and go mm yum but there is like i said the rare few i do. so nothing has really changed cept i think i now only admire women rather than to be blunt feel the need to ruin her hair and makeup im not sure i can ever identify as a 100% woman and i fn curse all those involved in that repression often but that really does not help the anxiety dep so all i can try to do each day is look forward. i have some real super ->-bleeped-<- days and some fantastic ones i think you owe it to yourself to explore what you feel as best you can and know that real beauty comes from happiness .
sorry if my reply seems a bit rambled and auty i keep getting interupted by my 3 demanding kids i now have sole custody of after coming out things arnt perfect but its a huge leap of the mess i was in before i bit the bullet and started finding my true self.

[Ms. Bee]

Thank you Crist for a well thought out post. I too deal with anxiety and depression. I am on medication for it currently. I ask myself the same question. Will HRT help me? I went to my endocronologist twice this year who is very helpful and provide all the information. Did my consultation and lab work. I am not on HRT at the moment. I need my consent letter from a therapist to start treatment. But BlueJaye your post about the mental benefits and wishing you started years earlier is quite refreshing. Thank you BlueJaye for sharing your experience with us sitting on the side lines here at Susan's asking ourselves if HRT is worth it.

I wouldn't say my situation was exactly the same as yours, but I did feel that transitioning was impossible and hopelessly unrealistic since I believed I would never pass as a woman anyway.

Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. Transition or not, I couldn't remain as I was forever. I finally came out to my wife and therapist, told the whole truth about my lifelong hidden struggles to both of them, and spoke with an endocrinologist at the local lgbt clinic. I was scared out of my mind, because full transition at this point in my life would be very messy (married, kids, career, etc.). The endocrinologist had a lot of good points about the manageability of HRT. Some outward feminization might be unavoidable no matter how low the dosage, but I should be able to pass as a man if I need to for as long as I need. So, I took a deep breath and jumped into HRT.

And...I wish I had done it years sooner! Emotionally and mentally I began to feel improvement within hours of my first dose (I take pills, not patches or injections). I am coming up on 4 weeks on HRT and I haven't felt this stable and calm emotionally and mentally in decades. At least since before puberty. I now have no doubts that my brain was meant to run on female hormone balance. Even at the low dose that the endocrinologist started me at, I feel so much better that I find it hard to believe that I used to function successfully without it.

For the first time in my life, gender dysphoria is manageable. It's still there, and it still bothers me many times every day, but I haven't felt suicidal even a single day since starting HRT.

As for changes in sexual orientation, I have not experienced that and don't believe it is very common.

MTF HRT does two things: it feminizes the body and it provides a female hormone balance for your brain and nervous system. The first part can be managed through dosage, but where most people find the biggest improvement in quality of life is in what HRT does for the brain, emotions, and mind. I personally would try HRT if I were in your shoes and had access to a good lgbt endocrinologist. It is completely reversible in the first few months no matter how aggressive the dosing, which should be plenty of time to figure out if it helps or not.

[Crist]

Thank you all for the responses!

Jessica,
I did go through the links. Did I write something I shouldn't?

@Alaskan Danielle has welcomed you to a great site that can help you find answers to questions, and questions to answers.  Each bit of information gathered from the experience of our members can open up new ideas and bring an awareness of who you are.
Please read the site rules she has provided for you.  They are there to help guide you on the forums and keep things happy for all of us.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

jamiekisses,
Thank you for sharing your story. And thanks for the compliment.
I am currently in a point where I literary want to die because I know I will never be the kind of women I wan to be and feel no motivation with moving forward with my transition.
I haven't killed myself because I know it would be extremely painful for my parents and siblings.
Had you been in that point as well? If you, how did you get out of there?
I think I am already following what I am feeling. I started presenting as a woman almost of the time but that didn't help. I still fell a lot of  pain when I see cis-looking woman walking down the street.

I have tried several therapists and medicines already but nothing has worked. I am starting with a new therapist in a couple of weeks and am trying Transcranial Magnetic stimulation now. However I don't feel very hopeful.

I am running out of options and I feel pushed to try hormones even though the idea makes me very uncomfortable. Are there really no other options?

I am sorry if I get to dramatic, it is just that I am getting desperate. My room is almost a dumpster, I spend most of my time on bed and my chest hurts almost all the time (I actually went to the ER once but they didn't find anything wrong with me physically so I believe that this chest pain comes from my emotional state).

Thank you for reading

Best,

[Ms. Bee]

I am sorry if I get to dramatic, it is just that I am getting desperate. My room is almost a dumpster, I spend most of my time on bed and my chest hurts almost all the time (I actually went to the ER once but they didn't find anything wrong with me physically so I believe that this chest pain comes from my emotional state).

Crist I fell your pain. I carry some of the same sentiment at times. My room used to be a dumpster too. Your post is helping so many of us rather you know it or not. The way I see it is keep moving forward in your treatment (therapist, HRT, BA, GRS etc) until you find peace. My endo suggested I go on insulin resistant diet to start losing weight. Its a no sugar then low card diet. She said your diet can change the way you feel and think. You said "my chest hurts". Are you by chance overweight? How is your diet? Thanks

Best,

Bee

[jamiekisses]

hi again .
Yeah i just broke out of a 6 week stint of just that exact description . was pretty much doing just what i needed for the kids then all life is pain on the bed ruined my back as usual for laying on the same angle got a really bad high lung hurt and a cough to boot in massive full despair . how did i get out of it and heavy emotion this time . well i think the first thing you must do with all depressive is look around you in the immediate area . say a cluttered book shelf or some dirty clothes or maybe some dishes and do that one little thing every day even if it is just to stand outside and zone off for a while getting some air. feel proud that you did that 1 thing no matter how small . that will start to help the positive synapses . (btw i hardly ever present ) i think what got me out of it in the end this time was i got so low the flight changed to fight so i was like what can i do? what can i afford.cant just keep telling myself its hopeless to even try and not have a plan. pretty much am poor as ->-bleeped-<- but i realised i can go and get my beard zapped so i did that and felt better. obvi not a perfect full fix but it was something little that made me smile. i think my approach is im just going to let the hormones do the work mostly and not beat myself up too much about how fast and how passable i present . i havent been on them too long (2 years name we shall not say and hrt 9 months) but already the outside world is slowly seeing the change which is a nice pace seeing i have a lot of things i would like to not shock upheave so its more the slow route transition . the people that count for me have been a lot dif to what i expected them to be in thier understanding . Now not to advertise anything but i must say i think entering second life 10 years ago was one of the best things i have ever done. way before i even knew what gd was  i found there and got to create me how i felt and saw myself, do the things i love and was able to live out some time there pretty happy and true . now im not perfect and in no way do i suggest you do this but now and then i have a drink to release a little but that is my thing which we all know can be a trap for some and certainly is not for everyone but surely you have something that you like albiet a walk on the beach or romcoms etc . try and make time for yourself doing something you enjoy that has totaly nothing to do with the topic of transitioning . now there is no amount or level you have to be to be valid and there is no have to's in this world in finding you and finding happy and totaly remember women come in all shapes and sizes and i can bet a dollar everyone gets a little envy going now and then if you choose the path to present as one or dont or do it part time or do it virtually or in chat persona or just in your dreams just make the main aim to be happy . yes be considerate of others sure but dont let it run your life and the valuable time you have . i havent looked up transcranial yet i will after this. i just got suggested recently to look up cbt so i guess thats 2 things i have to look up i think the cap is take all the time you need , absolutly be in constant contact with support dr's psys etc always 100% honest about feelings and thoughts and accept help if you think its viable, try not to rush a single thing, there is no level you have to be you are valid not matter what or how you decide to find happiness and comfort in yourself, worrying about others too much and putting yourself off can also hurt them if you are not ok

huggies

[Crist]

Thank you all for just responses.

Again, sorry for the late reply, it is very hard for me to overcome my social anxiety and depression. Sadly I am still not doing very well but at least somewhat better that the last time I posted.


Bee,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Is the diet helping?
I am not overweight, as a matter of fact I am sometimes anemic because of how hard it get to eat sometimes. Luckily I am having that problem right now. I actually went to have some tests made and they didn't find anything wrong with my heart, so most likely the chest pain comes from stress. It is my upperbody to lowerbody proportions the ones that cause me pain. I am sorry to say that I don't find your post that encouraging. I keep sticking to my treatment and maybe it will help eventually but right now I feel very hopeless since it has been a while and nothing has worked. This feeling keeps me from doing somethings that could potentially benefit me.
Thank you again.


jamiekisses,
I have actually tried this thing you mention of doing one small thing at a time and trying to feel proud of it. It sometimes works but sometimes I cannot even start doing even small things.

(About the following: I understand that what you are posting you do it with the best intentions and I hold no grudge against you. Instead I am grateful for your wilingless to help. I apologize if what I say next is aggressive or somewhat hurtful. That is not my intention, I have very strong feelings around this topic and I am doing my best not to let those feeling affect what I will write)

I am really tired of hearing "women come in all shapes and sizes".
Sure, there is a wide range of proportions in which ciswomen fall into but non-passable transwomen are non-passable for a reason. That is, their proportions do NOT fall into the cis-range. I agree that a person's gender is heavily influenced by their psychology but I do not believe that is the only factor. I believe that a person's body is also fundamental. For example, if a ciswoman's consciousness were to be transferred to a male body, I will no longer see the resulting person as a woman but as non-binary.
Another thing, I am not completely sure of what my gender identity is, because of my feelings towards my genitals. Sometimes I see it as not binary instead of female (just my gender identity, as explained above I see my whole self as non-binary even when I think that my gender identity is female). On those times I still have the same feelings towards my body, they are just as painful. Hence I believe that my body dysphoria comes from a place deeper than just the societal expectations of how a woman should look.
Thanks you again.


What do you guys think of what I wrote? Did I understand what you recommended me? Something else that you think may help?

I hope you all are doing well and I wish you all the best,
Crist