Paralyzing fear and confusion

[JustBones]

I have a hard time conveying my thoughts through words so I am sorry if this is a little scatter brained.

I don't really know how to begin but I have had this horrible anxiety that I was the wrong gender since the onset of puberty. I was incredibly angry at the time and dealing with depression. I would borrow my sisters clothes while they were out and crossdress. For a short while in my early teens I ended up pretty heavily researching things like sex changes. The feelings kind of vanished for a while or were pushed aside as I got older and got angrier. I didn't really understand it at all till about 3 years ago when it just kind of clicked "hey these feelings matter" and since then I have felt better and been far more proactive about crossdressing (Full time underdressing now.) and looking into gender identity.

Now I float somewhere between female and not male most days. Since about a year ago I have been fidgeting with the idea of coming out to my family but the horrible fear of not being accepted has been stopping me. My older sibling came out as non-binary several years ago so I thought they would be a good first person for me to come out to but it has put this pressure of what if they think I'm not serious or if I'm just messing around. For the longest time my family has joked about how I was the only "male" in the family and would be the only person to carry on the family name. My younger sister wants me to be the one to walk her down the isle at her wedding one day because we don't have a father for reasons I don't want to get into.

When I get in these moods where I want to come out to people I begin to question my identity again if I really want to be female and i get stuck in this downward spiral of anxiety until I just decide to not do anything. It is getting to the point where I want to be more open and feminine so I really want to at least come out to my older sibling but the fear and anxiety is here again and I need advice or something to help me push past that anxiety. Even typing this out was super stressful.

[Jessica]

Hi Justbones 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
My suggestion is for you to seek out a gender therapist.  They can be very helpful as you search for your even balance.  It is good that your sibling has opened the door of non binary with your family.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

If you are one of our younger members, please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. A few bits of information. Being a member of the LBGT family can run in the family. As you have one member, it's more likely to have a second member. Next CIS don't think about or question their gender identity. The fact that you have been uncomfortable with your gender identity strongly indicates you are transgender.

You haven't posted your age but from the way you think, I can tell your fairly young. At some point in your life, you need to learn you can't be everything to everybody else. You need to find your own happiness and that means your younger sister may have to make a compromise. You might still walk her down the isle but the image might not match what she currently sees in her mind.

I have two links you might find useful. The first is our WIKI where you can learn more about being transgender. The second is "the transition channel" where you can explore your feelings.

[JustBones]

Thank you for the links especially the youtube channel it has helped a bit. I have been making an effort to try and be more feminine these last few months and present more of what I feel and am going to make a real effort to come out to at least my older sibling soon. Got my hair styled and am growing it out, my older sibling took me to get my ears pierced and I shaved off my facial hair.

I am going to make an introduction post soon as well.