Help me please

[Andrea Jane]

On Thursday 21 June I went to a hospital in London for GRS
The operation was aborted after I had been put under with a GA. They discovered an abnormal ECG after my blood pressure went through the roof. They have given a provisional diagnosis of left ventricular hypertrophy (thickening of the left ventricle) and an emergency cardiologist appointment. I am told I will get my GRS if there is no significant (whatever significant means in this case) pathology.
I now know why people jump off Beachy Head or walk in front of a train. I really feel this way. All of a sudden this life has absolutely no meaning if I don't get my GRS. Yes I can continue with much of the cosmetic stuff I can wear the clothes, continue with my legally changed name, even argue for F on my passport. But I am not F , I still have the genitalia of a man and I would rather be dead. I use the ladies changing rooms out of courtesy and not by right, I still cant play in the netball league and I do see myself still as a ->-bleeped-<- and not as transgender. I cannot be whom I really am.
I have thought about finding a cutter (yes I will take the chance of bleeding to death and yes I will still not be a woman but I will get rid of the disgusting male genetalia) and I feel so absolutely suicidal. I know why suicide rates are so high in our community. If my GRS really cannot go ahead I will decline further treatment for LVF and stop my prescribed beta blockers and anti-hypertensives as it might bring forward my death if I do not have the courage to end my life.
please I don't know what I want by writing this but if you can help me

[Jessica]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Andrea Jane.  The surgeon certainly had your best interest in mind when they discovered the abnormal ECG.  I'm glad they found it before going too far.
I do hope they find a solution and move forward with your GRS.

Hugs, Jessica

[Dena]

There are options though they will require you to be brave and determined. It is possible the problem is treatable or can be controlled in surgery. You wouldn't be the first to face a bad reaction to general and many go on to have surgery. They needed to develop ways of surgically treating people with this condition for other life threatening conditions so wait to see what the final diagnosis is.

Should none of the above be an option, I believe there are two surgeons but I know of one for sure who will use a spinal bock instead of a general. The disadvantage is you would be awake during surgery and your legs will be useless for a day but surgery is still possible.

You still have several cards to play so don't give up. Your dream may still be within your grasp.

[Mendi]

Don´t give up. This road is full of obstacles and this is just the last obstacle.

Even if these surgeons refuse to give you the needed surgery, there are other surgeons and I am most confident, that some will be willing and able to help you, just like Dena said.

I am sure, you remember how many hurdles, gatekeepers, obstacles, people saying it´s not going to work out etc etc etc...you have already passed to get to that point. This is just the last one which you will also pass!

Hugs!

[pamelatransuk]

Andrea Jane

I was thinking of you on Thursday as you told us in advance and I am so sorry to hear this latest sad event. You were literally about to achieve your final and most significant and lifechanging goal and then this happens. I feel for you and appreciate how devastated you must be.

I truly hope you find a solutions to both matters such that the high Blood Pressure may be resolved shortly and of course that your GCS may also take place soon.

Thinking of you

Hugs

Pamela