My daughter figured it out

[Marcieelizabeth]

Hi all - Marcie, MTF here.  I have only known about who I am for a year now.  and a few days to be specific. 

Mostly I am just venting here - I came out to my wife only 10 days after I knew what was what...I was that sure.  BUT for various reasons - many I agreed to but would not have had my wife been on board more from the start - My wife and I kept it from the kids (30, 27 1nd 17) hoping to make it to a family wedding in October of this year, but my 17 year old daughter figured it out!  She saw MTF in a text I was typing and knew what was up!  So she waited and her therapist contacted us, and we had a talk two days ago.  It went extremely well with her (as far as I can tell) BUT we are having a session with her and her therapist today so things may not be as cool as they seem. 

However, now I am left with figuring out along with my wife, how and when to tell the other two children, they are grown, but one has Aspergers and is home, the other is getting married in October and wants her Dad there with beard on face and short hair.  I will do that for her.  BUT I am beside myself because my daughter figuring this out and telling us she did brought out many of my wife's fears more so than my daughters.  My wife said things to me like - you did this by not hiding it better, and then listed all the things I have done to just get through this day by day, like shaving, growing my hair out, painting my hidden toenails, and I could be so angry right now but I have to be strong for our daughter - there are more things and some not always as hidden, but it was the text not those that led to the discovery by my daughter. 

We had moved the date I was going to tell them at least a dozen times for various reasons in the first 6 months- one was absolutely legit after that -  My wife had a serious injury that moved the date 6 months.  Otherwise it just kept being moved later and later in the year then after the wedding- I think my wife subconsciously thought she could delay or never have to admit this was happening if we did not tell the kids - she also of course does blame me since I could just pretend none of this existed, and she did not have to address it.

Well here we are.

My wife just keeps saying "I do not want the wedding to be about you!" 
I keep telling her I will abide and become the Dad I have been. 


I am also worried that the secrecy we have had is gone, after all teenagers talk. 
This is so hard!  Lots to consider.

any advice, comfort, or comments welcome! 

Lots of love and hugs, Marcie

[Susan Baum]

Hugs, Marcie.
I wish I could offer some salient advice but I am able to give you oodles of comfort and solace.

The problem with "keeping secrets" is that are they are generally found - and often lead to embarrassment and heartache. Some folks equate withholding something as highly personal as this to lying; your youngest may already feel this way and it's hard to say what your other daughters' responses will be. Since your wife is questioning your assurances about the wedding, it also seems to me that your wife is still somewhat in denial and praying the inner voices that drove you to HRT just disappear until October.

Since the lamp has been rubbed, it may be time just to let the Djinn the rest of the way out of the bottle.

Susan

[Marcieelizabeth]

Hugs, Marcie.
I wish I could offer some salient advice but I am able to give you oodles of comfort and solace.

The problem with "keeping secrets" is that are they are generally found - and often lead to embarrassment and heartache. Some folks equate withholding something as highly personal as this to lying; your youngest may already feel this way and it's hard to say what your other daughters' responses will be. Since your wife is questioning your assurances about the wedding, it also seems to me that your wife is still somewhat in denial and praying the inner voices that drove you to HRT just disappear until October.

Since the lamp has been rubbed, it may be time just to let the Djinn the rest of the way out of the bottle.

Susan

Thank you for replying! 

AH! we plan to at least to the other kids.  It is now a matter of how and when..  The best laid plans are thrown out the window and that is okay, because our youngest is so cool with it now that it is helping my wife to be more accepting! 

Love and hugs,  Marcie 

[Coffeedrew]

I cannot relate to having kids or having to come out to them.I came out to my brother the other day and one of the things he told me was why did you not tell me sooner and your very brave for saying this because I know how hard it is for men to say these things.I'll be honest my coming out to my step mom was easy but my brother well, I was very nervous and had a rapid heartbeat and sweating. I feel for you wanting to be selfless when it comes to your children and your a good person for that. The biggest thing in the world is being honest and saying how you feel and I would respect my parent so much for that.As far as your wife goes I think she should read some of the posts on this site so she can relate to what your going through better. Your 1/3 and 2 more to go it would probably be better if you said it vs somebody else telling them. I would tell them in person and make sure your comfortable and your wife is. I accept you for who you are.

[MeTony]

I told my kids, 13 and 16, separately. Then they had time to think and ask questions. I told them over breakfast. My 16 yo has autism. He said he is not surprised and he already knew.

It always feels anxious and hard for myself to tell, but everyone has taken it naturally. Noone has been surprised.


Tony