So I have my therapy assessment today. Hoping the process to get connected with someone who knows what they are doing is smooth and quick. I don't know how much help it will really be for me but I can hope for now.
My wife has known something was wrong. She has known about the abuse I went through as a kid so for a while I let her assume (the woman freaking loves her assumptions) that I was having issues and going into therapy because of unresolved issues I have with that. Don't get me wrong. I DO have unresolved issues because of it but...
My wife is a therapist of all things. She was trying to help, I think. She was telling me how to get routed to someone who specializes in emotional trauma. She was telling me about all these options a specialist might use to help with that. And every time she would try to talk to me about it I would get upset. So she knew there was something else wrong. Something I wasn't saying.
Last Friday night we were drinking (oh crap)... And I knew the longer I left this unsaid the worse it would be. She already has trust issues and I had promised her during a relapse from quitting smoking, when I hid it from her for quite a long while, that I would never lie to her or keep anything from her again. Soooo
I tell her a story she had heard before about how I grew up and what my childhood was like... Including everything else I had always left out before. Everything about convincing my self that these weird little things I had in my head were an anomaly and it was because of the abuse and I just needed to "Fix" myself. I told her how I finally hit the wall and admitted that it wasn't a problem, it was who I really am and it can't be "fixed" it's just something I have to be. that I have to own it, not reject it. I told her about the dysphoria which has blown up in my face recently and about not needing a specialist in emotional trauma at all (although I need some of that too for sure!!!) that what I needed was a gender therapist. I told her in unequivocal words that I was trans...
At first (while drunk) she puts on her therapist hat which I know was just covering up the shock and seemed to attempt some measure of understanding. Then we both go to sleep (or something).
The next morning she has to work even though it's Saturday. She wakes up early and starts crying. She cried out the door. 20 minutes later the texts start. And about every 15 minutes I'm getting phone calls. Answered every one of the texts and answered the phone every time because I figured she earned the right to be mad and yell at me. Some of the thing she said and wrote were like I was glimpsing a completely different person than the one I've know and loved all these years. Later in the day the calls stop. The texts slow down and change tone to hurt. Lots and lots of hurt...
That night after she came home and simply failed to speak to me (I was prepared to have to leave if she wanted to kick me out of the house) until our daughter was asleep. Then she started crying again and apologizing every which way about the "Horrible and vile things" she said to me earlier that day. We both cried ourselves to sleep that night. Both in our bed.
Since then life has been rough. She has 10 billion questions for which I don't have answers and I find myself being really careful about what I say because I have to know she's going to be okay. She's NOT okay. It's hasn't been a week yet so I know I have to give this time and tenderness but she has now landed on denial. And seems like she's stuck there.
Meanwhile I've been battling the anxiety and depression behind the scenes all by myself for right now. She asked me if she could tell an online forum based around a band we've been in love with for decades now and where she's been a member for years. I said I thought it was a good idea. And she is apparently getting support and help on her end from them. Turns out there actually a gender therapist who's a member too and has given her all kinds of advice on where to find support groups and recommended getting into therapy for herself. I hope she takes the advice. God help me I hope she's going to be okay.
Thanks for reading. Gotta get to work now.
