I wanna die

[Dany]

hi

You know when it becomes too much? I'm tired of being hated just because I have a stupid piece of meat that serves no purpose between my legs. I'm a chick in every sense of the word, right? Wide hips, narrow waist, boobs...all the ->-bleeped-<-. I'm perfectly passable, not a single <not allowed> notices anything unless I tell. Not a single one. But when I do tell about my curse I suddenly become the ugliest thing that ever walked on this planet. They say they're heterosexual so they'd never wanna be with me, after all, I have this stinking piece of hell attached to my groin. For some reason, this thing grew in me. I'm just starting to wonder whether it's worth it continuing living in this <not allowed>, sad, miserable and hateful world. Is it? I don't know...it's hell of a lot of bad stuff down here. 

[Laurie]

  Hi Dany,

  I'm Laurie, The wandering waif of Susan's place. Hun, I know how bad you feel. About 6 months ago I was in that dark place that you are now in. I didn't want to live either. The cause was different but the feelings were the same. I even had a plan in place and was just waiting for the right time. In the mean time I had talked to some friends about just how bad I felt. I even posted about it here. I received support from people that cared about me more than I cared about myself. I did one thing right. I listened to them and told my therapist how I was feeling and when he asked if I was willing to try an antidepressant I again listened to my friends and said yes. From that point on it was a race. Would the pills begin working before the time I was waiting for arrived? It really was a race and fortunately the pills won. I started feeling less distressed and depressed. I was able to get out and resume activities I liked again. I met one of my friends in person for the first time offline and she is now my girlfriend. Life is worth living again. I still take those pills and am still talking with my therapist. But I am happy now, really happy.
   What I am trying to say Dany, is that no matter how bad things seem, things can change, change for the better. But you have to be willing to give them a chance to change. You need to take steps to let those changes happen. Talking to someone and getting a little help and therapy can make the difference. Then you can take steps to change the things that are causing you such distress.
  Please don't give up Dany. Give yourself a chance to make things better. I did and my life got better.

Feel free to PM me if you want to. I am here for you Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Rachel]

H Dany,

I am sorry this happens. I know it hurts very much and I understand your pain. Many people are not strong enough in their identity to date a trans woman. They can not help themselves and you should not absorb their insecurities. Yes it hurts and you need to not absorb the pain and place it squarely on them where it belongs. You are just fine and a unique person that has a lot to live for.

[annaleaver]

hi

You know when it becomes too much? I'm tired of being hated just because I have a stupid piece of meat that serves no purpose between my legs. I'm a chick in every sense of the word, right? Wide hips, narrow waist, boobs...all the ->-bleeped-<-. I'm perfectly passable, not a single mother->-bleeped-<-er notices anything unless I tell. Not a single one. But when I do tell about my curse I suddenly become the ugliest thing that ever walked on this planet. They say they're heterosexual so they'd never wanna be with me, after all, I have this stinking piece of hell attached to my groin. For some reason, this thing grew in me. I'm just starting to wonder whether it's worth it continuing living in this <not allowed> up, sad, miserable and hateful world. Is it? I don't know...it's hell of a lot of bad stuff down here.

It's not your problem and often it's not the other person's problem either. It's the way people are conditioned into thinking about and acting out their sexuality. If someone is attracted to you but changes their mind when they see you naked, or you come out to them, it's a reflection of deep-rooted attitudes that have historically not had to consider transgender people as sexual beings. It is awful to be on the receiving end of people who seem completely at ease in their gender act in a way that causes you so much misery, coming from the same place all you can do is interact with them and hope they change...You are a beautiful person, and there will be people who see that.

I know this probably doesn't help the pain it causes you now though...sending love to you.

anastasia x   

[Allison S]

We really can't say much about your situation other than what you described.
Are you considering srs/grs? Also, keep in mind if you do have this surgery and disclose your history to these men, they might react the same still. This is just the issues we face with dating.
Some guys are just looking for a hook up and if you don't fit the bill for whatever reason, they'll pass on you. I don't think women, cis or trans, have it easy with dating men. A bisexual woman told me that it's not easy dating women either. I don't know what it's like dating women but I know men. Being trans doesn't make it easier and passing is only part of it.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Sephirah]

I'm just starting to wonder whether it's worth it continuing living in this <not allowed> up, sad, miserable and hateful world. Is it? I don't know...it's hell of a lot of bad stuff down here.

Yes. It is.

Sweetie, you're only seeing one aspect of it. You're seeing the worst that can be brought out in some people. I've been where you are. Were it not for my own stupidity and lack of thinking things through I wouldn't be here to say this to you now. I've been there. And I've taken it one step further. On more than one occasion. When everything just felt like too much. Like you could never be the person you wanted to be because the world you live in won't let you.

So you think it's easiest just to make it all go away. To make the pain stop. To give yourself to blissful oblivion and leave the world to fend for itself. I thought that. Three times. And tried to make it happen. The fact that I'm still here is proof that either I'm extremely moronic, or that deep down I didn't want what I thought I wanted. I'd rather go with the latter, lol.

I learned something, though. Through dealing with that, and the fallout from it. Something very important. While you can still control your life, you can still change how you want your life to be. We have control over our lives, Dany. Even in the darkest dark. Even in those times where it feels that the walls are closing in, and there's nothing left to fight for. WE have control of our lives. We have the capacity for change. Where there's life there's hope. Where there's life, there's the chance to make things better.

When you give up. When you surrender yourself to the giant roulette wheel that's "what happens after", then you lose that. It's out of your hands.

For every person in this world who is self centered, hateful, insecure, nasty and vicious... there is someone who is kind, sweet, gentle, caring, loving and warm. That's how this world is. It isn't full of venom and hate. But sometimes it's hard to see that. I know that very, very well. But it is there.

While you're here, you can work towards and ultimately achieve getting rid of that piece of meat, as you call it. Making your life how you want it to be. You can be who you want to be, sweetie. Don't leave the last snapshot of your life as someone you never wanted, okay? Keep going. Where there's life, there's hope. There is a whole world of people out there. Not all of them are nasty and hateful, even if sometimes it seems very likely they are.

You're worth more than that, Dany. You're worth being who you are. You're worth being able to enjoy life, and find people who want you for YOU. They're out there. Don't give up, okay? Make your life how you want it to be. Then live it.

I believe in you. *extra big hug*