Some more uneducated dating questions as a trans woman interested in women

[TsukiCat]

So ive asked a question about dating women as a transwoman before but now I understand a lot more about been trans in general and its lifted a few more questions.

Recently I thought that when your telling your potential date or what nov that your transgender or wasnt born the same gender physically surely there instant thought (not that this is right) is gonna be "woman with bloke bits". Im planning on having SRS when I transition so what should you say in this way as I dont think its really fair to force someone to be attracted to a sexual aspect there not and there asumption would be this is something you have.

Secondly, I know when people have used dating websites they get the fetish weirdos harrasing them. How the hell are you supposed to use a dating site without been hussled by them or getting abuse as it sounds sadly common. Are there any specific LGBT dating things?

Also, if anyone is from the UK have you had good experiences. Ive found that alot of the bad comments on transmen and women seems to be coming from the states but just because I cant find sources from my country doesnt meen its not around. Im just curious if anyone knows the majorities views from here. (It concerns me as I know the UK can be a little backwards sometimes but maybe thats just Yorkshire)

And this is a little bit rediculous I suppose as I depend it varies but how do you go about finding someone to be with? The normal way and hope for the best? Im inexperienced with this in general. My concern is dealing with abuse as I know its not going to be avoidable entirely but the less the better

I know that it all bottles down to the acceptance of the individual as you can put everyone in the same boat!

I know this is a little invasive but I was curious if any of you guys (anybody) could share your dating experiences, have you found great partners or is it just wave after wave of nonsense. I have no issue dating another transwoman (why would I) but I havent found any places specific to our community in my searches.

Before this was a worry for me as I havent been active dating now as I feel wrong about it and it caused some issues with me, but ive come to the realisation im not doing this for others, id get to continue with the life I have with the right body so im doing this for me not others but, while crude, getting to be with someone would be a lovely thing

{I hope non of this has come across offensive it was not meant at all to be, so sorry ^^ }

[KathyLauren]

how do you go about finding someone to be with?

I have no experience with dating as a trans woman, and I have no plans to.  But I did have to figure it out the hard way when I thought I was a cis man.  I think the same techniques would work in any combination.

Like many trans folks, I was a late bloomer.  By the time I was in my 40s, I had only dated a couple of women ever in my life, and those didn't work out.  I was starting to think there was something wrong with me.  (Little did I suspect what it was!)

I resolved to stay away from dating services.  Using them would send out some kind of "desperate" vibe that would turn off good potential partners. 

I knew that I wanted someone who shared similar core values to me.  So first, I identified what some of my core values were.  Then, I resolved to start doing activities that implemeted some of those core values.  My theory was that, worst case, I would do something I enjoyed doing, with people I had some values in common with, and best case, I would meet someone personally compatible.

I joined a vegetarian society and a hiking club.  After a couple of years of going to vegetarian dinners and hiking in the mountains, I met a beautiful hiker on top of a mountain (true story) and the rest is history.  We have been together ever since, and she stayed with me through my transition.

I think that, if I were ever thrown into the dating pool, I would use the same technique as a trans woman.

[TsukiCat]

That sounds like a fairy tale film lol, that's a super lovely story. I'm 18 and never had any dates or anything like that partly due to my anxiety. Honestly I'm more than happy on my own but I'd like to experience some form of affection at some point. I'm really glad you found happiness <3

[FinallyMichelle]

I don't really have any knowledge about dating a woman as a woman, I had barely dated women as a man and that was long, long ago.

I do have some experience with dating sites that may or may not help being from the US. There are sites here for trans men and women, I never had luck with them though. Tons of responses but most kind of creepy and far away from where Iive. I met my current boyfriend on a regular dating site, there were weirdos but not many. Many, many more just looking for a hookup. I just registered as woman seeking man and made it clear in my profile that I was trans, then made sure everyone who was interested read my profile. It was not bad, lots of emails, texting and dates to find someone who was right for me. No one was abusive in anyway, some that were interested and then read my profile very politely said that it would not work for them, that only happened three times, most were open minded about it. The only problem that I had was that the process was exhausting, there were way too many to possibly respond to them all, even then trying to keep up with 10 to 15 guys in different stages of the process at once wore me down. All the while getting more responses that I had to ignore. I guess that I am not good at multitasking. I don't know how it would be with women seeking women but it seems like some of problems that I had with men would not even come up. Women read profiles for one thing so none would respond that were not open to dating a trans person probably.

Now I am not sure that I would do it again, guys are more than willing to chase a girl. Then again maybe some of the shy men are more comfortable on dating sites. Don't think my current boyfriend would have come on to me ever in real life and I don't know what I would do without him.

Not sure any of that helps. I don't know about dating women, I have spent most of my life running from them.

[annaleaver]

I used to think LGBTQ was an umbrella term for the entire LGBTQ community, so used certain apps that I probably wouldn't now...with that said, going out and dancing helps, but only if you are in the right space (of any kind: mentally, physically etc.) to do so.

anastasia x

[DustKitten]

The key for me is just to be proactive with meeting people and making friends. If you go out (irl or online) and just be nice to people, you'll make friends, and you may end up dating some of those friends, or they may introduce you to other people you can date. Just don't worry too much about it, flirt with the people you like, and ask someone out if they flirt back. Even if you don't find anyone right away, you'll still end up with a wider social circle and maybe a few good friends.

I have social anxiety, btw, and I have a hard time talking to people I've just met, so if that works for me it should work for just about anybody. I basically just have to force myself out of the house so I can meet people.

Online dating, imo, can potentially work, but it's mostly hit-or-miss with most potential partners falling on the "miss" side. Online stuff probably works better for casual hookups with no strings attached, but it's not for me.

You're better off living in the UK, I think. The US in general is pretty transphobic, though it depends on where you live. More liberal states and cities are better for making friends and dating, and I assume it'd be the same over there.

[JinnieY]

Secondly, I know when people have used dating websites they get the fetish weirdos harrasing them. How the hell are you supposed to use a dating site without been hussled by them or getting abuse as it sounds sadly common. Are there any specific LGBT dating things?

I have tried a few dating apps such as OKCupid, Bumble, and TRANS. I think OKCupid was fairly good to use until they made an update and that if you put "transwoman" + "straight", all the potentials showed would be females. If you also include that you are interested in men, OKC will only show you gay men which has become very frustrating.

Bumble only has binary gender option when you create the account. For me most guys usually just unmatched right after matching (probably because they finally decided to spend some time to read my bio??). I personally think bumble is only good for seeing some eye candy :p.

For TRANS app, the people there are sort of mixed. Some people are treating you as a fetish or sexual object, and some of them are looking for a serious relationship. However, most of the guys on there are pretty far away from your location (as well as told by many guys they also have the same problem that girls on the app are all hundreds of miles away).

The disadvantage of all these dating apps is that they seemed to favor MTF more (fewer options for FTM except OKC).

Let us know if you find an app that's worth trying!

[SadieBlake]

Tsuki I've had pretty good luck with the app HER which is dedicated to lesbian dating, less success on tinder and OKC but I still think both are worth trying and I just read up on bumble and think I'll give it a try also. I also meet a lot of women at lesbian things I attend IRL, nothing romantic has developed out of that however I've made a lot of good friends and found that most of the women I'm talking to are finding their matches online (the apps I mentioned above).

For dating women in your age group I'd think you'd find a lot who are interested in you, not the specifics of your body. I certainly am and I'm a lot older. Same thing goes for IRL things, as suggested by Kathylauren, hanging out with people who do stuff you're interested in is a good way to go. Among the lesbian groups I hang out with I'd say I'm finding more platonic friends than dates and that's ok too :-).

[TsukiCat]

This is a bit of an iffy question to ask and I knwo it is but... Are lesbian Women generally accepting of MTFs, I assume there is more desire for us to be post-op which I can understand. Its just ive heard a few debated about it lately. By this I mean do lesbian women in general (not a collective obviously) accept us as women?

I havent started treatment yet but in the future i will defo check out your suggestions Ta

[KathyLauren]

Are lesbian Women generally accepting of MTFs

I don't think you can generalize.  There is a strong segment of the lesbian population that wants nothing to do with trans women, since they don't consider us "real" women.  They certainly aren't all like that.  Just don't be surprised if you find many that are.