Mom tries to file restraining order against me because i came out as mtf trans

[Lilly G]

so recently I learned that my mom has filed a restraining order against me so I cannot see her or my brother with a contingency that it will be gone if I become her son Thomas( I HATE that name, it is not me nor should it have ever been) again, like I ever was. this is a recent development since her kicking me out the night I came out, and the constant hate posted to my fb, I have since blocked her because of that. anyone have an idea that can help solve this? im 17 and have tried everything from talking to giving time to bringing her to therapy with me, and this is the first time anything she has done has truly hurt me because now its no longer her, she is making my brother, the only family I have that is supportive other than my grandma, unable to see me without getting me arrested. can someone please give me a solution to this? also, my brother is 19 now for reference.

[Dena]

Unless you were served with paper work, your mother isn't telling you the truth. If you have been served paper work, your only option is to appeal it with the courts.

[Lilly G]

ok, so my mother is lying then. not the first time. any ideas on how to get her to not be aggressive towards me would be much appreciated.

[Sojourn]

Where do you live? I only ask because if you're 17 you should be considered a dependant by most locales (at least in the states). Which would mean your parent or guardian is obligated by law to provide you with housing, food, and physical care. Also, on what basis is she filling the restraining order? You can't just get a restraining order for any stupid reason. I'm not a lawyer, but this doesn't make sense. Is it possible she's only saying this to scare you? That's what it seems like to me.

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[Lilly G]

im in California.

[Sojourn]

im in California.

Yeah... She's definitely lying. I'm sorry.

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[Lilly G]

Hey, dont be sorry about it, im used to her b.s. if it wasnt this, she would have said that i was "on drugs" or stealing, so no matter what i couldnt do anything right in her eyes. and I live with my grandma and brother anyway. i live by laugh because its better that sadness and i have great friends plus i turn 18 in a few months, so its just a short sprint now. "Live life and be happy, never let those who seek to harm you succeed." -Rodger, therapist

[Aurorasky]

OMG. This sounds so much like my mom when I told her I wanted to transition, 4 years ago. She told me all kinds of things to scare me and put the thought away from, including that I would be excluded from the family and expelled from home. This is so difficult to deal. I hope you have a good support network outside your family circle, you are going to need them. PM me anytime you need.

Love,
Aurora

[TonyaW]

Your brother is 19 so she couldn't keep you  from seeing him. 

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[Lucca]

Jeez... I'm no legal expert, but I'm pretty sure that, at the very least, once you turn 18, she can't restrict you from seeing someone else who is over 18. The idea of a third person trying to get a restraining order between two other people who don't want one sounds pretty bonkers to me.

[josie76]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Like others said, if you have not been served with papers by a process server or sherrif then there is nothing legal to worry about. Also her wording as she told you would not get past a judge anywhere but Alabama or Mississippi. She also could not prevent you from seeing your brother who is an adult.

Best wishes for you young lady!

[SadieBlake]

Lily I suggest you check with local police and court to establish whether a TRO has actually been filed. Also as far as I know those aren't granted without a statement that you initiated violence, or similar .. stalking etc. Assuming you've not done any of the above, if a TRO has been filed then it was done under perjuryand you can certainly contest it. I disagree with posters above, just because you haven't been served doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Unfortunately I can only think your recourses are legal, courts and police, however either.your local court or police should have something like a family or victim advocate and reaching out to them might well mitigate her aggressive behavior.

I assume you're not living at home and guessing she abandoned you or made being there too unpleasant to want to stay. There's probably a legal infraction there as mentioned by someone above.

[Lilly G]

The whole "place to stay" is another matter....that did cause some legal issues. Mostly cause my mom has the whole "devil cannot be in This house" going on and since im equated to the devil in jer eyes....kicked out, I was.

[Susan Baum]

Hey, dont be sorry about it, im used to her b.s. if it wasnt this, she would have said that i was "on drugs" or stealing, so no matter what i couldnt do anything right in her eyes. and I live with my grandma and brother anyway. i live by laugh because its better that sadness and i have great friends plus i turn 18 in a few months, so its just a short sprint now. "Live life and be happy, never let those who seek to harm you succeed." -Rodger, therapist

Lilly,
Haters are just going to hate but it's really painful when the hater is your mother... I feel you much better off living almost *anywhere*  than who you seem to describe as a quixotic and toxic parent. Nobody deserves that.

Since you are close to 18 and seem to have a safe space with other family to call home, think of them and your friends (including your friends here at Susan's) as blessings and listen to the therapist.

Susan

[KathyLauren]

I disagree with posters above, just because you haven't been served doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I think the legaility is that you are not legally bound by a restraining order until you are properly served. That is to discourage people from lying about having obtained a restraining order.  The order has to be given to you by someone the court trusts in order for it to be binding.

Lilly, it has to be painful when your mother goes off the deep end like that.  About the only thing you can do is to avoid contact with her.  There is no reason to avoid contact with your brother if he is willing.

[SailorMars1994]

If your brother is 19 he is an adult and she can't keep him away from you

[RobynD]

Yes, I doubt that a judge in even the reddest state would grant a restraining order for that. There has to be some sort of threat.

I watched a woman get turned down on a restraining/stalking order where the guy was sending her something like 50 emails and 50 texts per day begging her to get back together with him. The court's response was why haven't you blocked him?

About all your mom can do is not answer the door, phone, text or tear up the mail etc. However, at 17 I'm guessing she has at least partial financial responsibility for you and you could take her to court so that child support would come your way at least until 18 and then usually she is responsible for some educational costs through age 21. You can find legal aid attorneys to talk to you about this.

I hope she will relent and see that her child is her child and to address all this in counseling. It's not 1958 it is 2018 time to come into the future.

[SadieBlake]

Kathylauren you're correct, however the bar for what's considered process service is lower than you think, especially if Lily has no fixed address.

I was "notified" once by way of a paper notice left I'm the mailbox of an address where I no longer resided (note that putting anything into a mailbox that isn't cancelled mail by anyone who isn't a postal carrier is a federal offense). The court didn't accept my assertion that I hadn't been notified.

[Lilly G]

so on the wholer responsibility, I did have a long call with my moms insurance after looking through some of californias laws. im actually able to keep my mom liable for medical expenses til im 25, so there is that.(I don't need her permission after im 18 to use her insurance)

[itsApril]

Hi!  I'm also in California.  It sounds to me like your mom is blowing smoke.  Restraining orders are only issued in California pursuant to state laws providing for notice and right to appear.  Here's the provision of the California Civil Code outlining the process:

https://codes.findlaw.com/ca/code-of-civil-procedure/ccp-sect-527-6.html

And here is the California Court System's website that shows the court forms that are used in applying for an order and in judicial consideration of the request.  Look through the forms and you'll see all of the steps your mom would have had to go through in order to get a valid court order:

http://www.courts.ca.gov/forms.htm?filter=CH

The bottom line: Your mom is lying and trying to scare you.  A basic principle of the law is that you must be served with any court order, and you have a right to appear in court to oppose an order.  It's also inconceivable to me that a judge in California would issue an order requiring you to appear in a specified gender (i.e., as "Thomas").

Nope!  It's NOT happening!