Late-onset Gender Dysphoria ? (Hope the way I phrase things are okay now)

[MegaConfused]

I'm really really really sorry if my 2 previous threads offended anyone. I'll just focus on my own feelings and why they make me have doubts whether or not I'm trans. In my mid twenties now, I have these feelings for just a few years. I wish I was born a girl. Sometimes I'm sure I'm trans and sometimes I think I'm just a heterosexual cis man who is obsessed with women. Being trans ISN'T a fetish, and that's why my fetishist-like thoughs make me question if I am trans. I'm attractive to women, do I want to be a woman because that's what I love and am obsessed with ? Not saying anyone else is like that. Would someone who is trans be aroused at the thoughts of themselves looking as the the sex that matches their gender identity ? Would someone who is trans feel that they can live as not as the what matches their gender identity ? To live as a man, I could do that. It would negative affect romance and sexual stuff, make me more shy and less social, make me not as comfortable and not beautiful, but it is doable.
       Is it possible for a heterosexual cis man to be so in love with and obsessed with women to point to of wanting to be a woman, to be the object of his desire, to be what he finds beauty ? I am NOT saying being trans is a fantasy gone too far. I am only wondering that FOR ME, NOBODY ELSE. Possible T.M.I., I have recently looked at a lot of pictures over the internet of naked cis women and naked cis men, and compare their bodies. I obviously find the women far far far more impressive. I have also search of pictures of pre op trans woman on hormones and post op trans women, and am extremely impressed. Sorry if this is way too blunt, but I feel like if I just give you only a little information, that will only lead to getting the wrong advise. So it's things like that make me wonder if I'm vain, if this is all just about my perception of beauty. Am I genuinely trans ? Who am I ? I hope saying the word fetish or words close to it is not also bad on this forum, I understand fetish have been used to shame, the ONLY ONE I question whether or not these feelings are a fetish is ME. I have fetishes, "unusual" things I find beautiful in women. So with someone with fetishes, it is genuine question.
         I have realized and am frustrated by how there seems to be no definite ways to tell if someone is trans. Wish a doctor could do a test and give an undisputed answers, but I wish a lot of things. Is any of these things ABSOLUTELY mean someone is trans, or at least ABSOLUTELY mean someone is not a cis male.
1: If was given the choice, I would definitely choose to be born a girl.

2: If given the opportunity, I may fully transition to be a woman.

              To further drill down on it, I mean, could a cis man really wish to be a born a girl ? Is there any other reason than being trans to feel that way ? Could a cis man really even consider having their body altered to look like a cis woman, to have their voice change to sound like a cis woman, a cis man should be frightened by such a thing, right ? Being completely different from a crossdresser, to want to change their bodies permanently.
       But, when again, why now, in adulthood. Maybe I got more information about transgender a few years ago, but I knew about their existence. Maybe I'm just too self conscious, maybe it's just me wanting to be beautiful. Before these feelings, in my teens, I did want to get a more feminine face and feminine hair, what does that mean ? This back and forth you read is my mind.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. When we start this journey we tend to have a number of confusing thoughts and feelings. As you progress through treatment these feelings will change and you will understand how you fit into the picture. There are strong indications that if your transgender your brain is different that the brain of a CIS person of your gender. To complicate things, gender isn't always binary - male or female. The other possibility is the non binary were you can identify as no gender, both gender or your gender can switch from time to time. This is best discussed with a gender therapist however I have a couple of links that might help. The first is our WIKI where the definition of transgender is discussed. The other link is "the transition channel" where you will be able to explore your feelings. Many of us felt the way you did when we first joined so feel free to ask questions as we probably have been there ourselves.

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[Sonja]

Everything you said is legitimate as far as I'm concerned.

So you're wondering whether your feelings are euphoria based on deep admiration for all things FEMALE or genuine transgender - yes?

There is no scientific test so only you can decided this. I would take time to think through all of this and in time you will start making up your mind in a calm way. Some of your thought process seems a little frantic. Only a calm mind can really deal with the decisions and repercussions of what you ultimately decide.

From my own experience I can say this, apart from my internal femme outlook and personality, when I dress up in female clothes etc I feel calmer,  not sexually aroused (ok on the rare occasion I feel sexy)  generally I feel a lot calmer and more at peace in female attire and mindset - and this is one of the ways in which I realized that my situation was outside of fetishism etc I wasn't dressing up to get off or for other people.

Hope this helps some,

Sonja.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Dear MegaConfused,
Have you read Harry Bengamins "The Transsexual Phenomenon"? Also Dr Anne Vitale "The Gendered Self" if you dare read Dr Anne Lawrence " Men Trapped in Men's Bodies" They are best read in that order. They are guaranteed to shed some light on your questions.
For your objective consideration- with kind regards, Kirsten.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Keep in mind these books are only the tip of the iceberg for material regarding gender identity. Much of the theory and debate out there is related to the concepts contained in these books though.

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[Janes Groove]

Being transgender isn't a fetish any more than being cisgender is a fetish.
It kind of sounds like you are dealing with a lot of shame and I would second Dena's advice to seek a gender therapist and work thru these feelings in a  safe non shaming environment.

There is no reason to feel shame where none exists.  #BornThisWay.

[Sno]

Oh sweetie, a world without some knowledge is a very confusing place to be.

(Hugs)

Now, if you are questioning your gender, then this is something that the majority of the cis heteronormative folk don't do. Does that mean you're trans? Maybe, but as always, seek a therapist to work through these feelings for yourself.

Feeling female, and being attracted to females is trans-lesbianism - it's ok to be trans and gay, just as much as it's ok to be cis and gay - no shame, you are attracted to who you are attracted to - it's ok.

Our sense of gender can fluctuate too - from one to another, a phenomenon called fluidity and it can be from feminine to masculine, from masculine to neutral, from agender to .. well, whatever really - it does not have to be fixed and rigid

The contemplation of your sense of self, is a clear indicator that something doesn't quite line up with your brains expectations - and it's why the question keeps rolling around, as it's triggered every time your brain encounters that mismatch.

There are lots of resources on YouTube and the like, but nothing quite beats talking this through with a professional - they help exploration and development of a sense of safety in understanding your thinking with the ability to support any conclusions or decisions that you take.

(Hugs)


Rowan

Ps. The link bundle from Dena is a great place to start exploring terms, and avoiding pitfalls of language. If it seems complicated, then ask - we will do our best to help

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Mega.

I have been in exactly the place you are in.  Now, I am not going to diagnose you - I'll leave that for the professionals.  But in my case, I thought it was a fetish for decades.  Except that I noticed that, after I'd had my fun, I liked wearing women's clothes just because I liked them.  I wore them all the time at home, and I certainly wasn't being erotic all the time.  I just liked how I looked and how I felt.

Still I put off analyzing those feelings for far too long.  Finally, at age 60, I had an experience that opened my eyes to the reality of trans people in the everyday world.  I was 61 by the time I got up the nerve to move forward and get it professionally checked out.  The verdict: an open-and-shut case, I am trans.  So now, I am transitioning and life is good.

But for most of my adult life, my life was not so good, and trying not to be trans was the cause.  Since you sound so much like a younger me, I would urge you to find a gender therapist and get those feeling checked out.  Don't leave it as long as I did.

[pamelatransuk]

I agree with the advise provided above. Please utilize Dena's resources and see a gender therapist.

My only additions are:

1. Age is irrelevant. Some of first have these feelings in childhood, some at puberty, some in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or 80s. Absolutely seriously.

2. Most medical professionals and most members of Susans including me consider gender identity and sexual orientation as completely separate subjects.

Personally I am transgender and asexual with minor lesbian tendencies.

I wish you well in your research and exploration.

Pamela

[MikeP]

Great post!   Being older myself and having a multitude of feelings and expressions since  a young age and now really want to find equilibrium is a daunting task. 

I am lucky to be working with a professional and joineed a trans group a couple months ago.  I have so many questions like you and think the advice here is genuine and helpful.   

Thanks so much for sharing, Mike

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[Breeze 57]

I thought this was an interesting post too as, honestly, I feel I could have written it myself 6 months ago.  I too have had these feelings all my life.  I remember as a small child trying to make my tighty-whitely underpants look like bikini bottoms by knotting up the sides and making a shampoo suds bikini top.  Making bath towel skirts and tube tops.  When I got a little older and wiser, I would put on my sister's bikini.  Oh what a wonderful feeling it gave me!!!  But I think it is the testosterone in my system that warped it and also gave it a very sexual connotation.   The feelings went away from around 16 to later 20s (at least I don't have any vivid memories of anything) as I discovered girls that would actually date me and got I married.  Then the nagging thoughts came back and I started crossdressing again and the need grew steadily worse as time went by.  There was always a sexual component to my crossdressing, which at the time made me feel intensely guilty and ashamed.  I vowed many a time to stop crossdressing and did the "normal" purge thing only to re-buy everything and more in the future.  I too thought it was just some weird sexual fetish that I would outgrow eventually.  In hindsight, I think the sexual aspect was intertwined so closely with the crossdressing for 2 reasons:   1) I only had the opportunity to crossdress maybe 5 or 6 times a year, and 2) the testosterone was there and by the time the opportunity to crossdress finally came around I was so obsessed with the desire to dress I would nearly explode when I would get into my secret stash of clothing.

Finally, at 57 years of age, I hit rock bottom.  I was drinking to excess, working too hard so I could exhaust myself (so I could just sleep and not think), my wife said she was ready to split up, and I was wishing every night that I would just die in my sleep.   Yada, yada, yada, I saw a therapist, started getting electrolysis, saw a new medical doctor and went on HRT 5 months ago.  I had told my wife about 3 years prior about my issues and came out to my kids about 6 months before going on HRT.

The family stuff is rough.  No doubt about that.  My wife and I are still together (as friends), but we will probably split up within a year (we've talked about it).  The kids are trying to understand, but they obviously want the same old dad they knew when they were growing up.  But overall, I feel soooo much better.  My mind is clear now and so much quieter.  I've even asked my wife if she wanted me to stop taking HRT knowing the physical changes have started, but she said to stay on it as I am so much easier to get along with now.  I feel guilty knowing how awful I was to her all those years before I accepted who I was and started HRT.

Anyway, just like you, I question if I am transgender or not and if transition is the right path for me.  I really hope I don't end up in a year or two, all alone, depressed and full of regret.  I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I was as positive as the other women on this site.  But I also feel I owe it to myself to try this path of transition because if I don't, I will always wonder and question "What if?".  It does help reading some of the other women's posts as sometimes they are just so insightful.  There are some really smart, intuitive people here who have a wealth of knowledge.  Maybe one day I will be one of them.

But in summary to MegaConfused, I understand what you are going through and urge you to seek help from a therapist and see if HRT is right for you.  And if you are not transgender (based solely on what you wrote in your post), then unfortunately, I am probably not either.  Stay in touch and please keep posting.  I am probably just as interested in what your path holds as I am in mine.

[Virginia]

My trauma therapist explained that people often mistake masturbation as being tied  to sexuality. Children also do this for pleasure, to learn about their body and as a way comfort themselves.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I always found from the very start there was a very fine line between wanting to be with an attractive girl and wanting to be her. When I was 13 at school camp a friend of mine let me wear her dress for a fancy dress evening and she wore my clothes. This did not involve sex or masturbation. It was euphoric and beyond just fun.
Regards, Kirsten.


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[TonyaW]

I'm really really really sorry if my 2 previous threads offended anyone. I'll just focus on my own feelings and why they make me have doubts whether or not I'm trans. In my mid twenties now, I have these feelings for just a few years. I wish I was born a girl. Sometimes I'm sure I'm trans and sometimes I think I'm just a heterosexual cis man who is obsessed with women. Being trans ISN'T a fetish, and that's why my fetishist-like thoughs make me question if I am trans. I'm attractive to women, do I want to be a woman because that's what I love and am obsessed with ? Not saying anyone else is like that. Would someone who is trans be aroused at the thoughts of themselves looking as the the sex that matches their gender identity ? Would someone who is trans feel that they can live as not as the what matches their gender identity ? To live as a man, I could do that. It would negative affect romance and sexual stuff, make me more shy and less social, make me not as comfortable and not beautiful, but it is doable.
       Is it possible for a heterosexual cis man to be so in love with and obsessed with women to point to of wanting to be a woman, to be the object of his desire, to be what he finds beauty ? I am NOT saying being trans is a fantasy gone too far. I am only wondering that FOR ME, NOBODY ELSE. Possible T.M.I., I have recently looked at a lot of pictures over the internet of naked cis women and naked cis men, and compare their bodies. I obviously find the women far far far more impressive. I have also search of pictures of pre op trans woman on hormones and post op trans women, and am extremely impressed. Sorry if this is way too blunt, but I feel like if I just give you only a little information, that will only lead to getting the wrong advise. So it's things like that make me wonder if I'm vain, if this is all just about my perception of beauty. Am I genuinely trans ? Who am I ? I hope saying the word fetish or words close to it is not also bad on this forum, I understand fetish have been used to shame, the ONLY ONE I question whether or not these feelings are a fetish is ME. I have fetishes, "unusual" things I find beautiful in women. So with someone with fetishes, it is genuine question.
         I have realized and am frustrated by how there seems to be no definite ways to tell if someone is trans. Wish a doctor could do a test and give an undisputed answers, but I wish a lot of things. Is any of these things ABSOLUTELY mean someone is trans, or at least ABSOLUTELY mean someone is not a cis male.
1: If was given the choice, I would definitely choose to be born a girl.

2: If given the opportunity, I may fully transition to be a woman.

              To further drill down on it, I mean, could a cis man really wish to be a born a girl ? Is there any other reason than being trans to feel that way ? Could a cis man really even consider having their body altered to look like a cis woman, to have their voice change to sound like a cis woman, a cis man should be frightened by such a thing, right ? Being completely different from a crossdresser, to want to change their bodies permanently.
       But, when again, why now, in adulthood. Maybe I got more information about transgender a few years ago, but I knew about their existence. Maybe I'm just too self conscious, maybe it's just me wanting to be beautiful. Before these feelings, in my teens, I did want to get a more feminine face and feminine hair, what does that mean ? This back and forth you read is my mind.

I had struggled with many of these same issues ever since I was little.  I'm 56 now. 

About 2 years ago I made the last of many efforts to "man-up" and kick crossdressing to the curb for good. Tried taking some herbals to boost testosterone.    Got my hair cut, let facial hair grow, etc.  Worked for about 2 months then it all came roaring back.  The fact that I didn't purge all of my female clothes at the time probably should have clued me in that it wouldn't work.

I knew I needed to see a therapist to figure out if I could really be trans or if this was a fetish that I'd have to learn to deal with.

Somewhere after this I figured out that the reason I always wanted to be a girl was because I am one.

So moral of the story, go see a therapist and find out what you're situation is and what you want to do about. 

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Tonya, I would love to hear what you discover. I wrestle every day with Gender Identity. I too would like to find resolution. I don't bother trying to fight the cross dressing these days. I cant eliminate my feminine side and I can't transition.  Just trying to do what's best.
What does one do?
Kind regards, Kirsten

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[pamelatransuk]

Hello Kirsten

I note from your other posts that like Tonya and I (and unlike OP to whom the "Late-onset" applies), you have had these feelings throughout most of your life and that you are under a gender therapist and on HRT but cannot transition.

When I started HRT 5 months ago, I thought transition unlikely but over time have changed my mind believing it is very likely next year.

My advice is wait and see and there might (or might not) be a time when you simply realise at that time transition is then the right course of action.

I hope you find the right answer for you.

Hugs

Pamela

[Allison S]

I'm the complete opposite... I despised everything female and feminine. Especially in myself, even though I accepted that no matter what I did I was seen as feminine.
I always made excuses like women's fashion is obsessive, maintaining/styling hair is a huge hassle, and that women do all these things because of their insecurities... I'm ashamed that I looked down on all these things for so long. People called me out for being a "girl" all my life... secretly I despised my own gender identity. What became worse for me is growing old as a man. In my mid 20s I let down the wall I used to hide my soul... last year at 27 I started hrt. It doesn't get easier to be honest... but at least it's not that much harder to live day to day either.

Now I see my life pre hrt as a nightmare. I almost can't wait for more time to pass so that I can be further away, finally, and free from secondary male characteristics especially facial changes, skin softness and body hair... even my body slimming down a bit on hrt at first brought back memories of when I used to cope (to stay slim) through orthorexia and even anorexia for a little while.

My mom knew I was breaking apart and constantly thinking about ending my life... I eventually decided whatever the reason that made me transgender that I have to endure because there was no other escape left for me..

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