Still struggling if I should transition or not :/

[TsukiCat]

Hi again everyone. I posted a bit back about not knowing if I could go through with transition, feels like I've asked these questions reapeatdly. Basically, my doctor wanted me to have blood tests and see him as je was contacted by the GIC. 

The thing is I'm not sure wether I should transition or put up with been in the wrong body, as I feel like I could manage this. I have many many worries which are turning me off to the idea. Honestly, most of it is physical appearance . I worry about my body compared to cis woman. I worry about the thickness of my arms and masculinity of them and legs. I worry about my waist, my ribs and how straight my body is. I'm worried 8t will be obvious I was born male. I worry that I will discriminated against and that I will be mistreat . I'm worried my face will be too masculine and my nose is big. This isn't meant to be offensive but I know that some people still seem quite masculine and I know this bothers a lot of them too, this worries me personally as I will be dysohiria with this. I need to look like a woman to accept I am a woman, if that makes sense. If there is a chance I'll still look manly or something along those lines I don't think transition will be wise as I know it will cause dysohiria. I know this is silly I really do and I know some people can just accept themselves but I don't think I can, I mean literally no offense as everyone looks perfect.

I took some phtos I'm dressed up and my arms just looked too big.

I know HRT can chage these things but there's no guarantee and this scares the **** out of me.
I'm 18, peo0le say this is a good age to transition but this does worry me as I haven't had any social life up til this point and I want to experience all I can. I feel like I'll be unable to if I'm disgendered.

I know all of this is ridiculous but to me there huge huge problems. I'm not asking for people to tell me what I should do but I need some advice or guidance, I'm sure of course as this is a trans thread I will be urged to go through. I appreciate honesty. Thank you as I want my mind and body to be aligned but am sure I can go on even through I'll never be a man inside. Thanks all.

[Jessica]

To transition or not transition?  That is a very common thought.  Of course this is a question only you can answer for yourself.  Aspects of your personal life may impact a decision, a job, a spouse, family, finance, fear.  Some have found they can tough it out, some find they cannot do without.
I toughed  it out for 45 years. Then found I needed to actually get real with my feelings.
Gender therapy has helped me find my real self.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

[Lilly G]

omg, this is something I had and still do fluctuate between, ive personally had to make the decision about that already, and it was a "bit the hand that fed me" action in deciding to transition, im 17 and many have seen my post about the most recent bs from my mom. anyway, like Jessica said, the decision is yours alone to make, and nobody can tell you what to do on this. talk to a therapist about it is what id recommend though, that helped me out a lot(therapy was my dads way of trying to get me to go back into the closet and it backfired on him) because the therapist is there to help you find your solution to things, not tell you what to do. so do what you feel is right I guess is what im trying to say? whatever you chose, best wishes.

love,
Lilly

[TsukiCat]

Hi Lilly, sounds silly but if I was 17 again it would be a no brainer for me to transition, silly considering only a year difference. I don't thing Testosterone could have done enough damage to you yet if you mtf. Sorry your parents aren't supportive. I got lucky on that one but know how you feel as I had no support with mental health, they tried to pretend that wasn't happening. Best o luck girlo

[Kirsteneklund7]

I feel your pain TuskiCat. My recent post " Gender Resolution" describes how I try and deal with it.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[Tatiana 79]

Dear you're young and have your whole life ahead of you.
I would bet you had these feelings from a very early age I also did too and hope you can learn by my mistake of closeting it up for about a half a century before it made me break down to become completely unfunctional. I too was cursed with the big masculine body and several other the features you mentioned. But really now I could care less about it, it's all about what you think about yourself in your head that counts not someone else's opinion of you
  it's a huge decision that only you can make but I'm sure you know who you are from the feelings that come from within and I hope they guide you wisely to the correct decision.
When you do know for sure and it sounds like you do it's definitely better to start transition as young as you can. It really messed me up hard for not starting young but that just wasn't done in the 1960s.  and 70s.
I just wanted to make you aware of this and hope you don't fall into the same pitfalls I did.
all the best for your future love Tatiana

[HappyMoni]

Hi Tsukicat,
   First off, you are faced with a difficult decision, you are not silly in the least. If I remember back, transitioning at 57, I don't know that I could have transitioned at your age. Things I would consider are these. I now know that I lied to myself that these feelings would go away. For me they got stronger as I got older. If you wait and try to work with being male, your life goes forward and you form relationships that will make it harder to transition later, if that is your true path. (You know, getting married, etc.)  It sounds like I am arguing for transition, but I am not. I think making a strong effort to figure yourself out now is the best thing to do. Therapy, going out and getting experiences are great to do. You gain information, your best ally. Working out plans of how you might transition, how you might find a middle ground, or how you see life with dysphoria as a man are definitely worth while. My advice is, the worst thing you can do is bury your head and not deal with this. Do some research on your feelings. You have a balancing act as a trans person. On one hand is fear, on the other, what dysphoria  drives you to do. I hate the thought of a life ruled by fear. Now, not passing is  a legitimate issue. Some of us are better or worse off in this area. I can't say what I would do in your spot, but there are some wonderful examples of amazing transformations out there. It makes a big difference as to how motivated you are. I will say that I think even if you were potentially gorgeous, you would still be self conscious at least to start. It goes with the territory. You slowly learn to adjust.
Moni
Good luck!

[Danielle Kristina]

I share your struggle.  I'm a perfect world I'd transition without question.  But in the world we live in there is so much fear that makes me doubt I'd be able to.  I have great respect for those that faced the fear, came out, and became their true selves.  I on the other hand am not sure if I've got what it takes to do it.

[Dena]

I share your struggle.  I'm a perfect world I'd transition without question.  But in the world we live in there is so much fear that makes me doubt I'd be able to.  I have great respect for those that faced the fear, came out, and became their true selves.  I on the other hand am not sure if I've got what it takes to do it.

Fear is something you have as long as you don't face it. Once you face it, you discover that it wasn't what you though it was and your free of it. One of the most difficult things I ever did was to come out. Another was the first time Dena went out the door. After doing both of those I started losing the fear I had and now I don't worry about who knows or give a single thought about walking out the door. The only cost of your freedom is dealing with a few hours of fear and then you will be rid of it.

[MissyMay2.0]

I feel that the decision to transition or not, should only be decided by the individual without outside influence, because there are risks involved, and just because everything works out for one person, it doesn't mean that someone else isn't experiencing everything they dreaded would happen if they transitioned.

[Danielle Kristina]

Fear is something you have as long as you don't face it. Once you face it, you discover that it wasn't what you though it was and your free of it. One of the most difficult things I ever did was to come out. Another was the first time Dena went out the door. After doing both of those I started losing the fear I had and now I don't worry about who knows or give a single thought about walking out the door. The only cost of your freedom is dealing with a few hours of fear and then you will be rid of it.

My gender therapist is helping me through my fears.  I still have a lot of them and if or when I get the courage to face them all I'll be glad I did.  I have faced a few, but there is still more I haven't, such as coming out and living full time.  I die, however, leave the house once dressed as myself.  I picked up some fast food through a drive thru and didn't feel like changing back into my male attire.  I was nervous and made as little contact with the server as possible, but I did it and felt great about it.

[Sojourn]

When I was your age I weighed about 240lbs and was built like a lumberjack. When I was around 20 I worked as a roofer and once carried 360lbs of shingles two stories up a ladder... Now, I'm 180lbs, still losing weight, and I'm complimented so often it's sometimes annoying. I was afraid to transition and didn't have the resources. The dysphoria only grew. I also didn't "dress" until I'd been on hormones for about 6 months because it caused too much dysphoria. Your body can change if you're willing to put in the work, and you're probably being harder on yourself than you should. Have you considered trying HRT and seeing how you feel? There's no one size fits all transition.

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[TsukiCat]

Thanks everyone for input I'll try replying properly later. Sojurn hi I did consider it but I read that not all effects were reversible such as breast growth.

[Mendi]

You are young and you still have time to think and gauge the feelings and think things over and over again.

The only thing that I´ve been always warning about, that don´t let that thinking and supression take you too far, to the point where there is then only two options left, either I kill myself or I transition.

I was in that spot last October and everything was ready for departing this world, money things arranged for people to sort out after I´m gone, insurances cut off, method ready and thought out. But one morning I thought, that I never really even tried to live as myself. Thought about it about half day...and transitioned immediately. It´s been now about exactly 9 months since that and most of the things I wanted have been now done, surgical, name etc etc, only the legal gender pending, but should happen within next 6 months.

I´ve absolutely enjoyed the past 9 months. No I didn´t pass at the beginning, perhaps I still don´t, I don´t know and  I don´t care. I´m alive and people who perhaps stare and smile and laugh...don´t know that I very well might be dead, if it wasn´t for transitioning.

I didn´t ask to be a trans woman, it wasn´t my choise and I really would have not chosen anything like this, if given the chance.

So, whatever you do, don´t let it go that far, because even when I´ve enjoyed every moment, it has been very taxing mentally and has taken every penny that I had and more.

But, it´s just money. I´m alive.

[Sojourn]

Thanks everyone for input I'll try replying properly later. Sojurn hi I did consider it but I read that not all effects were reversible such as breast growth.

That's fair. It's a personal decision. My main point is if you do have gender dysphoria, it only gets worse until you do something about it. That's just my 2¢.

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[LaserGirl]

I was disgusted the first time I tried dressing and resolved to change everything. 
I will go out on a limb and say go ahead and start doing it now in stealth. Get your blockers going so the testosterone doesn't do any more damage to your body.  Start working on building the muscles in your legs and booty with squats.  Practice good skin care. Grow your hair out.  The blocker will help with fat deposition and your face lines will soften and your booty will grow more pleasing.  Your waist will come in a bit too.  Get some laser treatment my favorite

This is just my two cents and you need to make up your own mind. I'm a fixit person though.  My body was too masc and now it's way more fem and I'm still living in boy mode but my soul is happier.

[DustKitten]

I realized I was trans about 4 years ago, and frankly I'm glad I took a few years to think it over before deciding to transition. I'm mentally more prepared for it now than I was then; if I'd started transitioning immediately after figuring out my identity, I don't think I would've been capable of handling the stress.

I think you've got plenty of time to figure it out. It's ok to take your time if you need to.

[Sno]

Sweetie, it's a choice. And the start date if you choose, is set by you.

Early transition can yield amazing results physically, but needs to go hand in glove with full mental preparation. You have time. Take a little for you and consider your options.

And just remember no one knows how they'll look after puberty

Rowan

[Lilly G]

Sweetie, it's a choice. And the start date if you choose, is set by you.

Early transition can yield amazing results physically, but needs to go hand in glove with full mental preparation. You have time. Take a little for you and consider your options.

And just remember no one knows how they'll look after puberty

Rowan

so I honestly don't know if this will help, but I took 10 years to come out(waited from age 7-17 and the time did cause maijor depression issues from may of 2017 to January of 2018) so it depends on how you are in life and how well you are comfortable in your own skin. sometimes, you will get lucky with puberty, like I did with a naturally low testosterone amount so while I cannot pass I don't look super male either......and I also got a body built closer to female height is a little taller than I would want though. testosterone does do some major damage depending on how high it is for you.......taking the time to think is the most important thing here though....remember, only you know if it is worth it, and nobody else.