Have you ever had fears about detransitioning?

[Jacqueline]

Thanks Moni

I agree!

And with me, personally, it's also that while I'm pre-everything (and don't really look that male yet), any tiny stressor can make me doubt myself and my true feelings on things. If I don't feel that dysphoric for a moment, it can make me think, 'is it that bad after all?' Or like I already said, with that name change and support and all... it can seem almost like transitioning further isn't needed  !

And any moment of stress or anxiety can again stir up those thoughts of, 'am I really trans?!'

I think also having no support or living in hostile environment can play a role and make you unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Also I've been personally living in this mental limbo for so long that..... yeah it plays tricks on my sanity sometimes! And makes me question my choices and feelings and what I truly want out of life.

PurpleWolf,

I think you and Moni hit the nails on the heads. All set backs and even bad days can send you into a doubting vortex. Comments and pointing, sometimes for me it can just be a bad hair day.

I totally think those in oppressive and non supportive environments will continue to question. I have worked with two younger trans men that experienced just that.

Take care and be true.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[gendertest89]

I would never have fears about de-transitioning if I passed 100%. Unfortunately, we live in a world that is not kind to transgender women who don't pass, and it's a HUGE personal and financial risk. I have to be realistic, and not pretend that not passing won't cause a significant harm to my quality of life unless I undergo major FFS, which is not covered by insurance, and is insanely expensive. If I passed, and saw myself as a woman in the mirror, I would never have any thoughts about de-transitioning. If I continue to not pass and not see myself as a woman in the mirror, I would have to make a decision on whether or not I would risk having a much lower quality of life and be OK with never seeing my true self in the mirror, or if being a man would at least make my life easier and safer.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Gendertest89!

Welcome to Susan's.

Detransitioning may make your life easier and safer, but quite likely more miserable.  Dysphoria doesn't go away.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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[PurpleWolf]

I would never have fears about de-transitioning if I passed 100%. Unfortunately, we live in a world that is not kind to transgender women who don't pass, and it's a HUGE personal and financial risk. I have to be realistic, and not pretend that not passing won't cause a significant harm to my quality of life unless I undergo major FFS, which is not covered by insurance, and is insanely expensive. If I passed, and saw myself as a woman in the mirror, I would never have any thoughts about de-transitioning. If I continue to not pass and not see myself as a woman in the mirror, I would have to make a decision on whether or not I would risk having a much lower quality of life and be OK with never seeing my true self in the mirror, or if being a man would at least make my life easier and safer.

Hugs!!!! That's very tough. And a good point!

Hope you can make things work out for you though ! You deserve it!!!

[PurpleWolf]

PurpleWolf,

I think you and Moni hit the nails on the heads. All set backs and even bad days can send you into a doubting vortex. Comments and pointing, sometimes for me it can just be a bad hair day.

I totally think those in oppressive and non supportive environments will continue to question. I have worked with two younger trans men that experienced just that.

Take care and be true.

Warmly,

Jacqui

Thanks, Jacqui!!!

Yeah that's totally true... If your family does not believe you and ignores you being trans; if the outside world shuns you and makes you feel you'll never be accepted as a member of your gender in society... And on top of that if you don't have any friends or any supportive people in your life... well... all you're left with is your mind that is telling you you're trans - but even that is in direct contradiction against your physical body.

So if you a) don't get treated as your true gender, by people, mostly ever
b) you still have a physical body that does not reflect your true gender
and c) fear or have bad experiences about dealing with society/people
.... well... it can kinda get to you!

And totally make you question your (in)sanity!

And then add to that d) dysphoria.... social and physical...

You have quite a mess huh!

So... it can seem that 90% of people/your life/society/and even your own body etc. is telling you are NOT trans and will not be accepted... and only 10% that is your brain is telling you yes you are - well it can be easy to think that 10% against that 90% is just wrong, and you're basically insane really, or something like that. Especially if everyone else thinks that already about you or something...!

(Well this is just a general description and horror scenario.... but kiiinda reflects some of the thoughts I've had myself during the years....... 'questioning'. Well I never questioned if I was a guy (bcos I knew I was) but more like questioning my sanity and... is this really real? like a real condition... or something... That's kinda bad mental state to be in...!)

[PurpleWolf]

If you got a massive relief from small things already you probably will feel even better about the major steps like HRT and body changes.

There isn't a single thing I'm not happy with so far, regards what T has done and the surgeon has. Things I'm not so chill about are things nobody could ever do much with anyway, like height. I don't care about that all that much anyway. If you have a force of personality and stay true to yourself it doesn't matter. And nobody else cares about things like that in the long run either.

I had most of my doubts at the beginning because I was skeptical T would do anything. Safe to say that was unfounded fear. The stuff transformed me in a few months inside and out. The only thing I had to wait all that patiently for was the voice and the surgeon really. I'm sure when you get on HRT it will allay most of your anxiety.

Well thanks Kylo, that DID make me feel A LOT better !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Julia1996]

I never had any doubts about transition or surgery. I did have irrational fears about being forced to detransition. Like what if it suddenly became illegal to be trans or any type of LGBT person. Like the world of The handmaids tale for example. I also had an irrational fear of being stuck without having SRS. Like some catastrophic event or a war breaking out that would pretty much end society as we know it. With my luck I would survive an apocalypse before having SRS. I know that's stupid but remember I did say irrational fears. Lol. And yeah I know how self centered that sounds. " Millions die and city leveled by asteroid impact. " oh no! Who will do my surgery now?

I did have to deal with doubts from my dad and brother though. After I transitioned and started talking about surgery Tyler got curious I guess and he watched a video of the SRS online. It totally horrified him. I think it actually traumatized him. It might sound strange that a 21 year old would be so bothered by seeing SRS but keep in mind that most cis guys would rather lose limbs than their Dick. After he saw that he told me I couldn't do it. He told me to just do hrt but not to have that surgery. He told me I didn't have any problem finding boyfriends the way I was and I didn't need surgery.  Over time he realized I needed the surgery to be happy and was fine with it. My dad just wanted to be sure surgery was what I really wanted. He asked me many times during my transition if I was absolutely sure I wanted surgery and that once it was done there was no going back. Before they took me into the operating room my dad asked me if I was sure. It wasn't that my dad and brother didn't want me to have surgery they were just scared because SRS is totally irreversible and they wanted to make sure I truly wanted it.

Of course I had to deal with other family members doubt and negativity.  My uncle kept telling me I was destroying myself with hrt and that if I had surgery that would make me a permanent freak. And in an email a couple of days ago my mom told me I might be able to have vaginal sex with Tristan now but I still would never be able to give him kids and what did I think would happen down the road when he decides he wants kids. I actually brought that one on myself. I know better than to read emails from my mom but I did it anyway.

[Lady Sarah]

I never had any doubts about transition or surgery. I did have irrational fears about being forced to detransition. Like what if it suddenly became illegal to be trans or any type of LGBT person. Like the world of The handmaids tale for example. I also had an irrational fear of being stuck without having SRS. Like some catastrophic event or a war breaking out that would pretty much end society as we know it. With my luck I would survive an apocalypse before having SRS. I know that's stupid but remember I did say irrational fears. Lol. And yeah I know how self centered that sounds. " Millions die and city leveled by asteroid impact. " oh no! Who will do my surgery now?

I did have to deal with doubts from my dad and brother though. After I transitioned and started talking about surgery Tyler got curious I guess and he watched a video of the SRS online. It totally horrified him. I think it actually traumatized him. It might sound strange that a 21 year old would be so bothered by seeing SRS but keep in mind that most cis guys would rather lose limbs than their Dick. After he saw that he told me I couldn't do it. He told me to just do hrt but not to have that surgery. He told me I didn't have any problem finding boyfriends the way I was and I didn't need surgery.  Over time he realized I needed the surgery to be happy and was fine with it. My dad just wanted to be sure surgery was what I really wanted. He asked me many times during my transition if I was absolutely sure I wanted surgery and that once it was done there was no going back. Before they took me into the operating room my dad asked me if I was sure. It wasn't that my dad and brother didn't want me to have surgery they were just scared because SRS is totally irreversible and they wanted to make sure I truly wanted it.

Of course I had to deal with other family members doubt and negativity.  My uncle kept telling me I was destroying myself with hrt and that if I had surgery that would make me a permanent freak. And in an email a couple of days ago my mom told me I might be able to have vaginal sex with Tristan now but I still would never be able to give him kids and what did I think would happen down the road when he decides he wants kids. I actually brought that one on myself. I know better than to read emails from my mom but I did it anyway.

Welcome back, Julia

[Chloe]

Another PurpleWolf post - open discussion for all!

Wolf (think I've mentioned this already) ask Cindy if you can have "Nero"s former job . . .
Your off-the-wall questioning/posting style would fill his shoes perfectly!

Whatever became of "Dennis"?

lol Many of us are permanently "untransitioned" so Sharia Law? Bring it on (NOT)!

[PurpleWolf]

Wolf (think I've mentioned this already) ask Cindy if you can have "Nero"s former job . . .
Your off-the-wall questioning/posting style would fill his shoes perfectly!

Whatever became of "Dennis"?

lol Many of us are permanently "untransitioned" so Sharia Law? Bring it on (NOT)!

Hahaha 

[Virginia]

Has there been some past trauma (like sexual abuse, harassment, misogyny etc...) that made you question the genuineness of your gender identity/transness? Did you ever wonder if you were trans as a result to that trauma...? Or not really trans because of it?

I developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) to cope with the trauma of childhood sexual and psychological abuse. Neither me nor any of my other 5 alters are transsexual. When my female alter became self aware in 2009 her need to express herself as a woman led me to question the genuineness of my solid lifelong male gender. The therapist I went to to help me understand what I was experiencing misdiagnosed me as a late onset transsexual with Gender Dysphoria. For two years of therapy the Self resisted my female alter's needs and my GT's insistence that I begin transition. As naturally and easily as it was for me to live life as a woman, I KNEW transition was NOT right for me. When the time/memory loss, flashbacks and night terrors began I was re-diagnosed with DID and referred for trauma recovery therapy. You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804

[Charlie Nicki]

I never had any doubts about transition or surgery. I did have irrational fears about being forced to detransition. Like what if it suddenly became illegal to be trans or any type of LGBT person. Like the world of The handmaids tale for example. I also had an irrational fear of being stuck without having SRS. Like some catastrophic event or a war breaking out that would pretty much end society as we know it. With my luck I would survive an apocalypse before having SRS. I know that's stupid but remember I did say irrational fears. Lol. And yeah I know how self centered that sounds. " Millions die and city leveled by asteroid impact. " oh no! Who will do my surgery now?

I did have to deal with doubts from my dad and brother though. After I transitioned and started talking about surgery Tyler got curious I guess and he watched a video of the SRS online. It totally horrified him. I think it actually traumatized him. It might sound strange that a 21 year old would be so bothered by seeing SRS but keep in mind that most cis guys would rather lose limbs than their Dick. After he saw that he told me I couldn't do it. He told me to just do hrt but not to have that surgery. He told me I didn't have any problem finding boyfriends the way I was and I didn't need surgery.  Over time he realized I needed the surgery to be happy and was fine with it. My dad just wanted to be sure surgery was what I really wanted. He asked me many times during my transition if I was absolutely sure I wanted surgery and that once it was done there was no going back. Before they took me into the operating room my dad asked me if I was sure. It wasn't that my dad and brother didn't want me to have surgery they were just scared because SRS is totally irreversible and they wanted to make sure I truly wanted it.

Of course I had to deal with other family members doubt and negativity.  My uncle kept telling me I was destroying myself with hrt and that if I had surgery that would make me a permanent freak. And in an email a couple of days ago my mom told me I might be able to have vaginal sex with Tristan now but I still would never be able to give him kids and what did I think would happen down the road when he decides he wants kids. I actually brought that one on myself. I know better than to read emails from my mom but I did it anyway.

Gosh your mom always tops herself with her insanity.

[PurpleWolf]

And in an email a couple of days ago my mom told me I might be able to have vaginal sex with Tristan now but I still would never be able to give him kids and what did I think would happen down the road when he decides he wants kids. I actually brought that one on myself. I know better than to read emails from my mom but I did it anyway.

Your mom is one piece of ****!!!!!!