(I don't know if this post has a goal or serves a purpose other than ramble and whine, but sometimes writing things down help and of course, feedback is always appreciated).
Except I can say something along the lines of "I'm a non transitioning transgendered male", everything else seems like being deceptive. Answering "what gender are you?" Is really complicated. It's not complicated because I don't know, hell I know! My gender has always been male. I'm not female, I'm not non-binary. I'm not macho Rambo either and I don't want to be. Neither I try to engage in "super masculine" activities that I don't care about like hunting or car races. I'm just a geeky physician, open minded to weird things, who likes to fix computers and anything that breaks just for fun and with a developing and fluctuating interest in programming and in cosmology.
The gender thing is just an annoyance that doesn't fit with anything else. But maybe I have to do something with it in this life, not for me necessarily but for the world, even if it's small.
Back on topic, if anyone (or even an annonymous survey) asks about my gender, what to reply? What to say that is 100% accurate? I like it when they ask first sex and then gender. But just gender?
If I'm asked just about gender (in a context of filling questionnaires or something similar) I am not sure if you actually want to know about my gender or you are just too shy to ask about my sex and it's an euphemism. If I just answer male, which technically is allright since you are asking about gender, I'll probably be grouped with cis males, possibly skewing the results of the research. I know that it doesn't matter, but it still bothers me.
In general, if I say I'm female just because I have a female body and female hormones, I'm lying, and I feel bad for misrepresenting women. And although for regular people I'm technically telling the truth, they can sense something is not quite right. If I say I'm male, except they know the basics of gender, they will think I'm lying because I don't fit their description or mental image of male. Saying non binary would just be an outward lie to everyone, I'm not that.
I have therefore high neuroticism in answering with the truth or with what I expect that you think the truth is. I also have to think if what you really are asking is gender or sex.
I know that I have to be true to myself and what others think doesn't matter, I know that. However I still twist my brains at the whole "what I think that you think" thing. Gender always ends up giving me a headache (and making me sort of sad actually, the more I read about trans stuff the more dysphoric I get, I stop reading and I feel better). But again, it's something that needs to be thought and addressed.
I don't want to transition because I feel I would be lying to myself. Why do I need to change for others? And anyway, as I said in another thread, others perceive what they want anyway? And changing for myself, is that really going to make me happy? Depending on the day I can look different on the mirror, somedays I look and see my mom, others my brother, on one rare occasion even Brad Pitt (I took a picture and even others agreed, I never thought I could look like that). How we are perceived and how we perceive ourselves is not 100% linked with how we morphologically look, sometimes is how we carry ourselves, how we move our muscles, our gaze. I know that there are emotional changes as well, at this point however, I don't think it'l make me happier (plus I don't want to deal with paperwork and I'm a bad patient, but that's aside).
Now, there's nothing really that I can't do. I'm married to a woman, I'm happy with my role in the couple, I dress however I want. If I make an effort to be myself (that is, if I stop being oblivious to people and try to make friends) I don't think I'm perceived as a woman (although I'm not sure if I'm perceived as a male either, some people say I'm perceived as neither).
I'm not sure anymore where I was going with this, just to take it out of my head for a bit I guess.