Experiences going 'stealth'

[kruger]

I came out in my final year of high school. As I started uni, I was already male passing and had all my correct documents in order. As such, no one at my university knows I am trans. They all believe I am a cis man.

At first, I was high off this. Just being trated as a cis man would was exactly what I wanted. As I grew closer with a couple of people in particular, however, it started to feel odd to me.

These people, my friends, have no idea about the person I used to be or something that's such a big part of my life. It's especially pressing when one of them makes a joke or a comment that reminds me they don't know. Sometimes these comments are borderline transphobic, sometimes it's just a joke where the punchline involves me having a dick or something like that. But every time it happens I'm just very aware that they don't know I'm trans.

I feel this is something I'd like to share with close friends, but I'm also afraid of anything changing/ not being viewed as as male as they view me now.

Anyone else have any feelings about living stealth?

[Dani]

I know a few ladies who went stealth after transition. That is what they wanted and they live stealth very well. Good for them.

As for myself, I am out with family and the trans community. My family knows me and some care about me. As for the trans community, I feel a need to give back and help others as I was helped in my transition. I am active in support groups in my local area. Some of the counselors in my area have asked me to talk to future therapists about trans issues and my transition. I am happy to help train these students and dispel some of the nonsense the popular media has said about people with our condition.

For every one else, my physical history is not up for public scrutiny. So you might say that I am mostly stealth.

Really, I just don't worry about it. 

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on the success of your transition.  I hope you can find a happy medium between friends who know and others who don't.

I spent 60 years in one closet.  I would find stealth to be just another closet: it would quickly drive me mad. 

So I don't go there.  I am out.  While I don't go around advertising the fact that I am trans, I make no effort to hide it, other than to try to appear as any cis woman of my age and build would.  In groups that I was already a member of when I transitioned, I made my transition very public, with an email sent to everyone.  There is one group that I have joined since transitioning: they are undoubtedly mostly aware that I am trans, but we don't discuss it.

Those off-colour jokes that make you uncomfortable... One of the nicest things about transitioning MTF is that I no longer have to pretend to find them funny.

[Virginia]

My female alters lives a stealth life and feels this way as well. She sees it as a very small price to pay for 100% acceptance by the people in her life.

[salaniaseviltwin]

My story is a little different. I'm out to everybody. Even with a feminine chest, I'm very masculine (MTF). Everybody is doing their best to use feminine or unisex pronouns with me and it just feels like they are trying to walk on eggshells with me. I personally don't care about pronouns, so I haven't enforced or even asked people to switch.

I only have one friend that makes jokes about it, which I love. They aren't stabs at my lifestyle or decision. The best so far was, "B**ch, go make me a sandwich." Cause we were hungry and we couldn't decide what to order. He also corrects everybody when they use male pronouns. Thankfully that will be a lifelong friend, even if I did hate him in high school.

On the other side of the coin though, I don't attempt to publicly pass yet.

My recommendation, tell who you really trust.  Unfortunately word will most likely spread, then you'll know exactly who is cool with it and will still be your friend. Whether or not they do, there might be an adjustment period for the friends that stay.

Good luck in the future and just enjoy yourself.

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[kruger]

Congratulations on the success of your transition.  I hope you can find a happy medium between friends who know and others who don't.

I spent 60 years in one closet.  I would find stealth to be just another closet: it would quickly drive me mad. 

So I don't go there.  I am out.  While I don't go around advertising the fact that I am trans, I make no effort to hide it, other than to try to appear as any cis woman of my age and build would.  In groups that I was already a member of when I transitioned, I made my transition very public, with an email sent to everyone.  There is one group that I have joined since transitioning: they are undoubtedly mostly aware that I am trans, but we don't discuss it.

Those off-colour jokes that make you uncomfortable... One of the nicest things about transitioning MTF is that I no longer have to pretend to find them funny.

You're right, and I'm really happy for you that you've found that level of peace. the issue for me is that if I were to correct them, that would require outing myself - and once I do that, there is no taking it back. So far, I haven't actually lied and said I was cis, I have only omitted details. But I wonder if I was in a situation where I had to lie, if I would.

My family are supportive of my efforts to go stealth. Just this week, for example, my mother asked me what she should do if a situation were to come up - she was more than willing to out right lie and say that I was DMAB, like my brother. She's also taken down all pre-transition photos of me to avoid that question. I appreciate that very much, but I can't help but feel that I'm doing myself and the trans community a disservice by being so stealth.

[Dena]

I appreciate that very much, but I can't help but feel that I'm doing myself and the trans community a disservice by being so stealth.

There are ways to help the community by remaining stealth. Publicly I don't talk about myself but I work with may others through this site. My user name is my real name however it would be impossible to connect me to the real world. My avatar is me 30 years ago primarily because I haven't been able to take a good recent picture.

If your comfortable remaining stealth, then continue to do so. As you get older, your attitude might change and you may desire to become more public. The work you put into the transition was to build a world that your comfortable in. Don't ever let others tell you how to live because only you know what will make you happy.

[xAmyX]

Just go along with it, and never confirm anyones assumptions of you. You are a woman, and that's all that needs to be said. Stay true to your attitude girl, and you can go far.

[MaryXYX]

I get on a bus or go shopping and I'm just an elderly woman.  That can be an advantage as elderly women don't matter, so people don't bother to look at me properly.  Any groups I belong to or charities I volunteer with know my history and I'm an ordinary woman who takes part in things and tries to be helpful and just happens to be trans.

This Sunday I'll be leading the singing of the "Gloria" at my church.  I talk with a feminine voice but I still sing bass so I'm not hiding anything there.

I've been taking part in delivering gender identity training to medical practices recently.  Part of that is telling them there are really quite a lot of us, and we are all sorts of people.  Another part is telling them - just use the name and pronouns we tell you and we'll get on well.

I think the conclusion is - we all have to find our own place and do what is comfortable for us.

[Ryuichi13]

First off, I haven't really read any of the other posts, so this response is me speaking my mind.

Honestly, why tell anyone?  Unless you plan on having sex with them, or they're your doctor, why do they need to know? 

For the most part, the idea of living your authentic life is to be seen as the person you should have been born as.  If you tell most cis people "I used to be AFAB/AMAB," chances are, despite how well you know them or trust them, once they find out, they will treat you differently, even if they don't say they will.  You'll become "my trans friend" instead of "my male friend."  Its just human nature to see someone that's "different" as different. 

Also take into consideration that once you tell someone, chances are the word will spread. 

It is only your guilt of "what you used to be/how you were raised/how you were made to be or act" that is giving you guilt.  YOU know you're now the proper gender, so why should anyone that doesn't need to know, need to know?

Don't let your guilt cause you any difficulties than those you have already gone through.  If your friends making jokes make you feel uncomfortable, tell them so.  "Hey man, that's so not cool," or something along those lines.

Living stealth isn't a wrong way to live.  Its simply a way to live.

Ryuichi

[Allison S]

I only really have kept ties with a select few family members. I just deleted the last social media account (snapachat) that I had people who knew me as male only.
Maybe I am running from my past male identity but what's true freedom without a crazy driver? [emoji13] Ok I just made that up haha

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[Virginia]

It is only your guilt of "what you used to be/how you were raised/how you were made to be or act" that is giving you guilt.

It can become more complicated than that in time. My female alter's guilt comes from the lies she must tell to support a life history that never existed.

In most cases it is simply a matter of switching pronouns. As an alter of a Dissociative Identity Disorder System, this kind of compartmentalization isn't too difficult for her, but even she gets tongue tied trying to keep the gender of my wife's X's new wife's gender straight.  I suspect this would be much more difficult for a singlet personality.

But it becomes harder the closer she gets to someone. There are also limits to how far my female alter will in good conscience allow herself to go to maintain her "reality." It's one thing to talk about her "husband" but she will NOT give him a name. Details about where we live must also be kept vague to ensure her world and mine never cross. Stealth is alot like holding a gold brick. Nice to have but it gets heavy after awhile...

[Ryuichi13]

I have to disagree with you, Virginia.  It seems to me that you having DID makes your situation unique.  However, you playing Devils Advocate is making this an interesting discussion to me!

Maybe I misunderstand your statement, but I honestly don't feel that "being stealth is anything "like a gold brick."  It is simply being seen and accepted as the gender that we should have been born. 

I don't understand why wanting to be seen and accepted as our authentic gender is "complicated."  It is simply living our lives as ourselves.  That shouldn't be any more complicated than it already is. 

Most people don't need to know that we "fixed our birth defect," or exactly "how it was fixed."  Questions that will eventually come up if it becomes outed that we are trans. 

You shouldn't be forced by Society to wear a sign showing that "I had a birth defect, but now its fixed and it can't be seen," unless you choose to.  I'm sure that most people don't disclose "I used to have crooked teeth, but I got them fixed, or "I used to wear glasses but I had laser surgery/wear contacts," or "I had a nose I didn't like, so I had plastic surgery to fix it," etc to everyone they meet.  They simply live their lives.

Feel free to explain your side of the conversation further, I'm curious as to why you feel this way.

Ryuichi

[LilDevilOfPrada]

Transition is all about you! Dont feel guilty for community if you wish to be stealth, many of us chose to leave those we love behind for ourselves because they would always treat us a little more different then a cis. There is nothing wrong with doing what you believe would make you most happy.

[Dena]

Virginia is correct about total, absolute stealth. It's very difficult to maintain without a crack appearing in your story. I have seen other on the site who have had to move several time and reestablish their life in order to maintain stealth. In my life, I have had faces from the past appear in places I never expected to see them. When applying for a job, sometimes your past history comes out. Most important if you ever need a security clearance, everything from the day of your birth needs to be examined. It's a huge world but for some reason when you try to maintain stealth it's a whole lot smaller than you might think.

[Ryuichi13]

Because I've moved to a different state, being stealth is a bit easier for me than if I was still back home.  I'm out to most of my immediate family, and to some of my friends back home.  I have no trouble staying where I am currently should it become common knowledge that I'm trans, but I'm also not willing to actively out myself either.  Being out simply isn't needed in my life currently.  I'm a Paramedic that became disabled while on the job, so I don't have to worry about applying for jobs.  Being disabled, I doubt if I'll need a security clearance anytime soon. 

I do volunteer at the local Pride center, but its also known by my friends here in this state that I'm gay.  That, I don't hide.

If do end up being outed for whatever reason, then I won't deny it.  But currently, there's really no reason that I need to tell anyone outside of my doctors that I'm trans. 

I just want to be allowed to be the man I should have been born as.  Outing myself would more than likely add stress to any friendships I've made since moving here, even if the stress is all on my part. 

Ryuichi

[PlanetEmma]

I transitioned nearly 20 years ago and it felt an easier path to live 'stealth' then - it certainly made employment easier. As long as you are open with those who really do need to know, (SO's), then surely you would choose the path which seems more comfortable to you? I never felt I was 'hiding' anything, or being dishonest.
My husband (don't worry he knew!) I'm sure had secrets, my friends all had parts of themselves they probably didn't feel the need to confess to from when they were younger. I just saw transition as a corrective procedure and then get on with life.
The point being, for some, living stealth can also feel less pressure than declaring our background - accepting that it's not always an option too.