Hello, I am Karen , in my mind. From 1997 to 2002, I lived full time as a woman. My transition was done while I worked for an over-the-road trucking company. They were very supportive even to the extent of putting me into a brand new tractor so no one would relate Karen and Jim to the same equipment. I am sure it helped that I have been ranked in the top 7 drivers out of 600 just the month before.
Although my children had all reached adulthood by 2002 and all have subsequently graduated from 4 year colleges, I found that they need parents. As a mother, in my mind, I recognized their need for their dad. My childhood was made somewhat bearable by the presence of my maternal grandfather. In my case, I felt that when I participated in their conception, I had made a deal with each of my children to be their dad, not their aunt or second mother.
There are 6 of them. 2 were supportive of Karen. 2 were neutral and 2 resistive. Now, that I have returned to living as their dad, Jim, all 6 have positive relationships with me.
When I first joined a TS support group, I heard some people say that one had to be prepared to lose everyone in one's life. One needed to form an entirely new family. Screw all those who can't/won't support one's choices. That stance may well work for the young, single childless individual. For a natural woman, the true female instinct is usually the good of her children, even at great sacrifice to herself. What I experience as a TS female has mirrored what natural woman have confirmed in my conversations with them. My reaction/response has be authentically female.
My children need a father; my grandchildren, one here, one due in April, will need a grandpa. When I look around, there is only me to be dad while the grandpa duties can be shared. So internally identified female me, has reassumed the role of dad and will assume the role of grandpa.
My female identity is hidden and somewhat frustrated by this situation. The positive experiences I am having with my kids and, now, their kids, is a very rewarding compensation. I still need to find a satisfactory was to live my female life.
Transition was both hard and easy for me. I will be happy to try to answer questions people my have.
Another thing, in 2000, as Karen, I became a bilateral, above-knee amputee in February (on the 11th as it happens). In August of 2000, I required a single coronary artery by-pass graft. These life altering events I am sure informed me, at some level of awareness, of the relative value of things in life. Were it not for the major surgeries, I would have had SRS done in 2002 or 2003.
I sometimes think that had I done the SRS, I could somehow do dad and grandpa and in secret I would have my vagina and breasts and retained my hairless appearing skin. That is where the inner angst comes from now.
Karen
