Just unsure...

[Vanessa777]

Hi Everyone,

Just a warning, this may be a long post. I have been having a difficult time processing my thoughts on whether or not I am transgender and while I know the answer most people will give me is to see a therapist, I just am hoping for your interpretation of the information that I am disclosing and what your personal opinion is aside from seeing a therapist. ( i have seen a therapist before)

I will try to make this brief by jumping strait to the facts. From the age of 9 I can remember going to bed at night and imagining that I would wake up as a girl with large breasts. I am not trying to sound too perverse, but that was an important detail to me back then and so I didn't want to leave out the large breasts part. I had a poster card of a beautiful woman in a bikini hanging up right next to my pillow on the wall and I would go to sleep dreaming about becoming like her.

At age 13 I saw Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde and I thought it was so great to have a potion that would transform me into a woman like Dr. Jekyl did, but it was also highly arousing to me. This is the part that still confuses me today. I am very aroused about becoming a woman, but an attractive woman. I think even an average attractiveness would be great. But I know I do not want to become a woman if I am going to be ugly and look like a man in a dress. I started trying on my sisters clothes, dresses and everything when noone was home. I loved the way they felt.

At age 14 I started researching transsexualism at the public library and this was in the 90s so it wasn't as publicly accepted as it is now I made a promise to myself that when I turned 18 I was going to transition. I would often imagine myself through out these years as becoming a woman and it was the primary thing that aroused me. Sexuality has always been at the center of becoming a woman for me, I think. Then I got into drugs and I started trying to be cool and I did desire to have a girlfriend and maybe even a true love.

Once I found drugs can help me to imagine being a woman, I started taking drugs like extacy and spending the night by myself imagining that I was a woman. So this is why I am wondering if my desire is just sexually motivated. When I did become an adult and had my own place. I was exploring transgender more and more online, even got close to scheduling an appointment with a therapist, but then I read all of the Harry Benjamin standards of care and it scared me off. I remember thinking, maybe this is all just a big mistake. What if I do this and it turns out horrible? I look like a man with boobs and no genitals. How could I talk to my dad ever if I went down this road and the rest of my family? My dad is a marine by the way. I think if did go down this road I would cut off my family from my life. I would not want to have to deal with the rejection at the same time as transitioning.

I ended up losing myself in drugs throughout my 20s. The thoughts never went away, but again it was all centered around sexuality of being a woman and when I was done being aroused I would feel guilty and like something was wrong with me.

I got sober when i was 30 and I got married when I was 33. I have been married every since. Well, the desires never went away and I feared that if I don't start transitioning now I might regret it when I finally get the courage to when I am 50. or if I decide to later. I saw a therapist and went on hormones stealth, even from my wife. I know that its terrible that I didnt even tell my wife, but its so scary to do and I thought I would just try hormones out and see if I liked it, before I told anyone.

I went on hormones for 3 weeks and then stopped taking them, because I was scared of losing my wife, who i do love, and my family. Then feelings of doubt would come as well. Will I even make a passing woman? Why am I really doing this? Is it just a fetish? But then why has it went on since I was a child?

Regarding the hormones effects, I liked the way my skin started to feel so soft and was excited about the changes that would come, but they did make my head foggy, and I was irritable, and weak feeling. I may not have had the right dosage, but I was also scared of becoming permanently unable to experience sexual pleasure.

Well, about 6 months later, I had my prescriptions still and I decided to start taking them again. That lasted a couple weeks before the old feelings arose again of doubt and fear and questioning my intentions.

Now, I am 36 and came close to making an appointment again to get on hrt then stopped myself at the last minute. I just don't know if this is really me. I think I enjoy life enough to not transition. I read somewhere that if you can find joy in life and its not absolutely necessary that you shouldn't transition, but what if its a repressed desire and it comes out when I am 60. I don't want to lose my wife and I really think that it is just a sexual fantasy. I am pretty sure. And I know it is so terrible to not tell my wife, but I wanted to be sure before I ruined my relationship. I do love her.

Can anyone please share their opinion on this?

[Sarah77]

A really interesting read. I think the questions you have are so common among transgender people. Identity, doubt, sexuality, shame, fear, hope are all intertwined for many of us.

My opinion is this. For many people there aren't any easy answers. I have spent two decades wrangling with the issue and rushed headlong into marriage and kids and career.
Sexual arousal by the thought of transition does not in any way invalidate your female identity. Sexuality is complex. The effect of testosterone is massive - and the excitement of a new identity and sexual arousal can get mixed up.

Being married..and taking hormones 'in stealth'. Did your wife ever know? How does she feel about you being transgender and thinking about transition?

Did therapy provide any clarity? This sounds like a cop out.but it is true..only you will ever know what is the right thing to do

[Vanessa777]

Hi, Sara,

Thanks for your response. To answer your question about my wife knowing:

She knew that I was taking spiro and estradiol, but I told her it was for prostate issue. BUT she did say she thinks that I am lying to her and she started taking an interest in trans things. I found her watching a movie about a transwoman's journey. I forget the name of the movie. It's fairly recent. However, suspecting AND knowing are 2 different things.

If she knew for sure, like I told her I am trans. There is no way to gage her response. She is an emotionally unstable person, yet has been very supportive of me through my drug addiction and is one of the main reasons I managed to stay clean so long. I just don't know that I want to risk losing all of it. Especially her, unless I know for sure and even then I don't know that its worth losing everything and everyone, for me anyway.

I find myself reasonably happy in life. And I do enjoy sex as a man with attractive women. But theres also everything else. Maybe I just have a fetish...and if I do it would be a big mistake to transition. Then I worry about if I make this huge mistake and I end up one of those depressed and suicidal people that regrets that they transitioned. Then I see all these beautiful women showing their transition timelines on the web and I am pulled into questioning whether or not to transition again.

And I also worry that what if trans is really a mental illness of some sort and I am acting on a symptom of that. I just don't know.

[anne_indy]

Hi Vanessa - I think you are experiencing what many of us deal with as we come to terms with our transgendredness. I have see-sawed my entire life on the issue. I finally got fed up with my indecision and decided to see a gender therapist with the intent to resolve this. In the exploration with the therapist, it was very clear what the answer was. Then the onus comes back on me of what will I do with it. I have a wife and son for whom I care deeply. How will this affect them?

Part of my exploration has included HRT. Based on anecdotes that I read regarding HRT, I thought that HRT might temper some the gender storm in my head for a while. It hasn't had any siginificant effect on me emotionally, but is having it's physical effects especially in my breast. That change excites me. But again the question comes back regarding how this will affect my closest relationships. You have to find the solution that you can live with. My personal view is that what we do is not a solo adventure, and our decisions have to take into account the ones we are close to.

I do recommend that you consult with a therapist with whom you can work through the issues and come up with an approach that you can live with.

Anne

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Vanessa.  There is nothing in your posts that would make me thingk that you are not trans.  What you have described are things that most of us have gone through.

Whether you are or not, somehow you have to get past the wondering.  You need to see a gender therapist, not to get a prescription for hormones, but to figure out the answer to your question.

I see a danger sign that your wife already suspects what's up and you are lying to her.  You have come clean in other aspects of your life; you need to do so on this too.  The longer you put off being honest with her, the worse it will be.

[Sephirah]

Hi Everyone,

Just a warning, this may be a long post. I have been having a difficult time processing my thoughts on whether or not I am transgender and while I know the answer most people will give me is to see a therapist, I just am hoping for your interpretation of the information that I am disclosing and what your personal opinion is aside from seeing a therapist. ( i have seen a therapist before)

I will try to make this brief by jumping strait to the facts. From the age of 9 I can remember going to bed at night and imagining that I would wake up as a girl with large breasts. I am not trying to sound too perverse, but that was an important detail to me back then and so I didn't want to leave out the large breasts part. I had a poster card of a beautiful woman in a bikini hanging up right next to my pillow on the wall and I would go to sleep dreaming about becoming like her.

At age 13 I saw Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde and I thought it was so great to have a potion that would transform me into a woman like Dr. Jekyl did, but it was also highly arousing to me. This is the part that still confuses me today. I am very aroused about becoming a woman, but an attractive woman. I think even an average attractiveness would be great. But I know I do not want to become a woman if I am going to be ugly and look like a man in a dress. I started trying on my sisters clothes, dresses and everything when noone was home. I loved the way they felt.

At age 14 I started researching transsexualism at the public library and this was in the 90s so it wasn't as publicly accepted as it is now I made a promise to myself that when I turned 18 I was going to transition. I would often imagine myself through out these years as becoming a woman and it was the primary thing that aroused me. Sexuality has always been at the center of becoming a woman for me, I think. Then I got into drugs and I started trying to be cool and I did desire to have a girlfriend and maybe even a true love.

Once I found drugs can help me to imagine being a woman, I started taking drugs like extacy and spending the night by myself imagining that I was a woman. So this is why I am wondering if my desire is just sexually motivated. When I did become an adult and had my own place. I was exploring transgender more and more online, even got close to scheduling an appointment with a therapist, but then I read all of the Harry Benjamin standards of care and it scared me off. I remember thinking, maybe this is all just a big mistake. What if I do this and it turns out horrible? I look like a man with boobs and no genitals. How could I talk to my dad ever if I went down this road and the rest of my family? My dad is a marine by the way. I think if did go down this road I would cut off my family from my life. I would not want to have to deal with the rejection at the same time as transitioning.

I ended up losing myself in drugs throughout my 20s. The thoughts never went away, but again it was all centered around sexuality of being a woman and when I was done being aroused I would feel guilty and like something was wrong with me.

I got sober when i was 30 and I got married when I was 33. I have been married every since. Well, the desires never went away and I feared that if I don't start transitioning now I might regret it when I finally get the courage to when I am 50. or if I decide to later. I saw a therapist and went on hormones stealth, even from my wife. I know that its terrible that I didnt even tell my wife, but its so scary to do and I thought I would just try hormones out and see if I liked it, before I told anyone.

I went on hormones for 3 weeks and then stopped taking them, because I was scared of losing my wife, who i do love, and my family. Then feelings of doubt would come as well. Will I even make a passing woman? Why am I really doing this? Is it just a fetish? But then why has it went on since I was a child?

Regarding the hormones effects, I liked the way my skin started to feel so soft and was excited about the changes that would come, but they did make my head foggy, and I was irritable, and weak feeling. I may not have had the right dosage, but I was also scared of becoming permanently unable to experience sexual pleasure.

Well, about 6 months later, I had my prescriptions still and I decided to start taking them again. That lasted a couple weeks before the old feelings arose again of doubt and fear and questioning my intentions.

Now, I am 36 and came close to making an appointment again to get on hrt then stopped myself at the last minute. I just don't know if this is really me. I think I enjoy life enough to not transition. I read somewhere that if you can find joy in life and its not absolutely necessary that you shouldn't transition, but what if its a repressed desire and it comes out when I am 60. I don't want to lose my wife and I really think that it is just a sexual fantasy. I am pretty sure. And I know it is so terrible to not tell my wife, but I wanted to be sure before I ruined my relationship. I do love her.

Can anyone please share their opinion on this?

Okay, you said that people will tell you to see a gender therapist, and I maintain that it's your best bet, sweetie.

After reading your post, I don't really have an opinion. Just a few questions. I've highlighted some parts of your post in bold and I'd really just like you to answer, if you can. Why you feel that way about it? What it is about it that's sexual? What do you feel when you think about it like that? What is it that arouses you?

I could suggest a couple of things but I'd rather wait for your reply first.

[Vanessa777]

Wow, that's a tough question. I am actually surprised that I never thought to ask myself that all of these years. Well, I hope I dont sound too out there with my reply, but I am going to answer your question as best I can. 

I think it's because I think about how great it would feel to have such a feminine body. What's more feminine than large breasts, smooth silky legs,  hips, beautiful hair, and a feminine face. I think that's definitely part of it. I know whenever I look at adult pictures, I instantly think of being the woman and how great it would feel to be making love the way women do, traditionally I just think having that body would feel great and I obsess about it. And I have obsessed about it since I was a child. As crazy as it sounds. Until, i push the thoughts back down as being wrong and unacceptable. Naturally that's harder to do when I am aroused but I am able push the thoughts away  for a period of weeks on occasion..  Idk, I just wish that I was naturally born as a woman and then I wouldn't have this problem. I know I would have rather been born a woman, but the fact is that I am not and I am afraid that I would regret transitioning because all of the things I would sacrafice and still may turn out unhappy.  I may look manly. I'm 36. And I'm not miserable. My life is okay right now. Some part of me just feels like I'm missing out on something big. Something that may make me really happy. I know that I do wish I was born a woman. But I also know that I am not physically born that way. I am afraid that I am feeding into a delusional thought like I could ever truly be a woman. And I ust dont know that I am willing to risk it all or that I can transition successfully.  I dont know.

[Sarah77]

Wow, that's a tough question. I am actually surprised that I never thought to ask myself that all of these years. Well, I hope I dont sound too out there with my reply, but I am going to answer your question as best I can. 

I think it's because I think about how great it would feel to have such a feminine body. What's more feminine than large breasts, smooth silky legs,  hips, beautiful hair, and a feminine face. I think that's definitely part of it. I know whenever I look at adult pictures, I instantly think of being the woman and how great it would feel to be making love the way women do, traditionally I just think having that body would feel great and I obsess about it. And I have obsessed about it since I was a child. As crazy as it sounds. Until, i push the thoughts back down as being wrong and unacceptable. Naturally that's harder to do when I am aroused but I am able push the thoughts away  for a period of weeks on occasion..  Idk, I just wish that I was naturally born as a woman and then I wouldn't have this problem. I know I would have rather been born a woman, but the fact is that I am not and I am afraid that I would regret transitioning because all of the things I would sacrafice and still may turn out unhappy.  I may look manly. I'm 36. And I'm not miserable. My life is okay right now. Some part of me just feels like I'm missing out on something big. Something that may make me really happy. I know that I do wish I was born a woman. But I also know that I am not physically born that way. I am afraid that I am feeding into a delusional thought like I could ever truly be a woman. And I ust dont know that I am willing to risk it all or that I can transition successfully.  I dont know.

the internal reaction we have to observing another woman is interesting. When I see a woman it is always what she is wearing first. If I like what she is wearing I get a mixture of admiration, then jealousy, then hurt.
The women that catch my eye are not 'sexy' but I like their style. I fancy women because of what they wear and want to be them..i like the have features they have that a man wouldn't have..even if not classically attractive.

I'd have no problem with a plump pear shaped bum or small saggy breasts. I'd just be so overjoyed to have them!!