Alright, so this might be a bit of a rambling wall of text. It's around 1 AM local time as I write this, and my thoughts are still kind of whirling. I'll start by saying hi, letting you all know that I'm not sure what I'm going to write yet, and I beg forgiveness for any distraction I cause.
I am a 28 year old, externally male, attorney from the southern US. I've leaned left for a few years on political matters, I'm atheistic, and I am lightly bisexual (I prefer women, but certain guys are just as attractive). In the interest of full disclosure, I am also a virgin. I have nearly crippling social anxiety disorder, and this was exacerbated in my youth by a number of moves around the country. I never put down roots, so I wasn't really able to form lasting social connections until college. I have a core group of good friends, but dating still eludes me... maybe for more reasons than I realized.
I've never really thought about my gender identity. I've made a few, internal, passing nods to the notion that I don't really enjoy typical masculine pursuits, but beyond that it hasn't been a big question for me to face. That all changed recently. I have a friend who, in an act of extraordinary bravery, came out as a transgender male. I read his post, and it stirred something in me. From that reading on, I've been considering my gender identity, and the consideration keeps pointing to female.
Like I said before, I've never really considered my gender identity in great detail. But using hindsight, and the motivation brought about by my friend's bravery, I've been seeing some things from my past in a different life. I play, almost exclusively, female characters in video games. I've never been interested in traditional masculine pursuits. I had friends that were boys, but I tended to prefer hanging out with girls. Now, a lot of these hindsight details rely on gendered stereotypes, and I could just be projecting adult thoughts onto my child's mind. But even setting aside the backward's glancing, I've been consumed with a single thought for days: "I wish I was a woman."
There is a comedian, Julia Sweeny, that has a story about when she became an atheist. In the recounting, she talks about how scared she was about letting go of god. How she found a way to do it safely, she told herself that she was going to put on the "no god" glasses, take a look around at the world for a few seconds, and then throw them off. Only she didn't, she put the glasses on and the world became clearer, she never took them off. I did something similar a day or two after hearing my friend's story, I put on the "I'm a girl" glasses, and assumed I would be able to throw them off at will. Once they were on... I didn't want to take them off. I liked how the world looked.
I've been suicidal for the past few years. No attempts, but there have been times where I really wished I was dead. I attributed this largely to the lingering effects of law school, which is when the depression started. Law school is where demons go when they want to feel better about living in hell, I think. Anyway, ever since I put on the "I'm a girl" glasses... I haven't had a suicidal thought. I'm not saying that the thought is a cure for depression, I know reality doesn't back that claim, but for the first time in a long time I feel honestly happy about myself and the future.
I tend to passion project. I'll get really mentally into something for a few days, and then back out months or years down the line when it proves too difficult. I've tried my hand at a few novels, I ran a failed podcast with a group of friends, and I'm currently experiencing a surge of passion for photography. I've had a few fleeting thoughts that my current rumination on my gender identity is one of these things... but I don't think so. It may be on the top of the pile these days, but I think it's been there for a while now. I want... or maybe I am a woman. In every way but my body.
Now, why am I telling this to you? My family, with the exception of my wonderful younger sister, would not understand. I love my parents, but my father is a bigot to his core. I haven't told him that I don't believe in God, so I don't know how I can tell him this. My mother isn't a much easier tell. She knows about the atheist thing, but she has made some fairly trans-phobic comments in the past. She cried over the Obergefell decision, because of the cognitive dissonance between her religious beliefs and her desire to see people be happy. I might be able to tell her, but it would hurt her deeply I think. My sister, if and when the dust settles, and I know who I am, I will tell without hesitation. She's too awesome to keep in the dark for long.
My friends are of much broader minds and would understand, but as I said, social anxiety. I rarely talk about my preferences for dinner, much less something as deeply personal as this. Again, maybe when the dust settles. My best friend I could tell without the anxiety... but something is holding me back. Fear, I think. I love him like a brother, and he has said some very trans positive things in the past, but he's one of the rocks of my life. If he crumbled due to unforeseen pressure... it would unmake me. Maybe I should trust him more? I dunno.
So, that's why I'm telling you. My anxiety is less in situations like these, where I'm protected by the veil of the internet. I also think (and hope) that some of you will understand the things I'm thinking right now.
And, one last note on my username. I use another name elsewhere on the web, but it's closely tied to my identity. So I chose this one. Until this all started, I was Thomas (or Tom). Now, I think I am or I am becoming Tamika (or Tam). I picked Tamika because it sounds pretty, and it reminds me of Welcome to Nightvale. Thanks for reading this!
