Feeling like a "Red Headed Step Child", Am I the only one?

Denni · February 22, 2018, 09:03:10 AM

Many questions, difficult answers to some, others not so much. Many of you ask how our "red headed group" copes with the knowledge of not fully transitioning. For me personally it is not hiding the fact that this is where my transition will end but this is my life, and I am happy with my decision. I am grateful that I have been able to reach this point in my life after so many years of wondering why, and what if. My mind and body have become as one since starting HRT and that brings to me happiness that I never had in my life before. As a society especially lately, it seems that we are always reaching for something that we think we will be better for us than our present life. We fail to realize and understand that where we are in our life's journey with the love we have for our family and they for us is something to be cherished. Yes, there is sacrifice to not take that final step but to me there is no pain in that, the pain that I would have is seeing the pain that I would cause them. Hugs

Laurie · February 22, 2018, 02:09:04 PM

Hi Denni,

I am glad to see you in this thread. We do not get to see enough of you in my humble opinion. I know I appreciate your thoughts, opinions and support. Please keep at it for all of us.

Hugs,
Laurie

Denni · February 26, 2018, 08:36:44 AM

Update on this thread, I know that there are many in our community like myself, hoping that there are others that can lend their thoughts to this and keep it moving. Speaking for myself and thinking more about this before posting I know that their were times that I thought that one of the reasons that I was taking this approach to my transition was that I was possibly non-binary. But there was one undeniable fact that I continued to come back to and that was given the opportunity to have lived as a woman or man it was always as a woman. The other simple fact is that since starting on HRT it has finally given me the comfort of aligning body and mind as one. All of that being said the other fact is that this is my choice in how I transition and know that this is the correct journey for me. Hugs

HappyMoni · February 26, 2018, 05:31:22 PM

Denni,
You and I have approached disclosure to those around us in very different ways. Your nature is to self sacrifice for the benefit of the ones you love. You did this with your military service as well. I deeply admire that in you. I have a sense of responsibility to my loved ones also, yet you did not disclose and I did. Obviously there are differences for us. I have no grandchildren. Our circumstances of talking to are SO's were very different also. I guess I made an assumption that I had raised my kids and they were capable of being on their own if they rejected me. I always knew that everyone I told could possibly create a destroyed relationship. I don't think I assumed that it would hurt them. It was equally possible in my mind that this could make things better, our relationships stronger. In a couple of isolated cases, things got more distant. In the most important cases, relationships have actually improved. In the great majority of cases, things improved. So, I wonder if you can speak to your thinking. Is it an assumption that it will hurt them? Is it a case of not wanting to take a chance? Do you ever toy with telling any other family?
Moni
This is a question for any red headed stepchild out there. Do you assume disaster if you tell people? Why or why not?

Rachel · February 26, 2018, 06:34:31 PM

Hi Denni,

I told my Mom I was a girl a few months before my 5th birthday. When my mother died it was September 2011. All my defenses and ability to compartmentalize were breached and I became overwhelmed December 2012. I did my intake and began my journey.

I told my friends in about 2014 and have yet to receive a call or e-mail. My wife and I divorced. I promised my daughter I would wait to express until she graduated high school. I have seen her twice since my ex moved out. I send her Venmo's and pay her living expensed, car, insurance, car insurance, parking and part of her college tuition.

I did the best I could for as long as I could to be there for my family. I understand your sacrifice and what it is like to live with crippling dysphoria. I also know what it is like to fully transition and have no dysphoria. I pay for the end of my dysphoria in many ways. I am glad I can be me and the only regret is hurting my ex and daughter. When my daughter graduates college next year I will not be at her graduation. I will not see he future boyfriend or husband or children.

We all have a path and choose the direction based on many things. I respect your decision and admire your sacrifice.

Denni · February 27, 2018, 09:23:11 AM

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 26, 2018, 05:31:22 PM
Denni,
You and I have approached disclosure to those around us in very different ways. Your nature is to self sacrifice for the benefit of the ones you love. You did this with your military service as well. I deeply admire that in you. I have a sense of responsibility to my loved ones also, yet you did not disclose and I did. Obviously there are differences for us. I have no grandchildren. Our circumstances of talking to are SO's were very different also. I guess I made an assumption that I had raised my kids and they were capable of being on their own if they rejected me. I always knew that everyone I told could possibly create a destroyed relationship. I don't think I assumed that it would hurt them. It was equally possible in my mind that this could make things better, our relationships stronger. In a couple of isolated cases, things got more distant. In the most important cases, relationships have actually improved. In the great majority of cases, things improved. So, I wonder if you can speak to your thinking. Is it an assumption that it will hurt them? Is it a case of not wanting to take a chance? Do you ever toy with telling any other family?
Moni
This is a question for any red headed stepchild out there. Do you assume disaster if you tell people? Why or why not?

It comes down to one simple fact for me. As I expressed previously, I am now a senior citizen, I have lived most of my life as much as that pains me to write that. My kids and especially my grandkids are just starting their journeys in life. I have seen the pain that my coming out brought to my wife and it was something that left me with the knowledge that I could never bring that same pain to them. Is it a sacrifice on my part, sure, but to me it is a small price to pay for their continued happiness. It has nothing to do with impending disaster or taking a chance on what might happen if I fully transitioned. To me their happiness is more important than my own.

Denni · March 01, 2018, 09:01:37 AM

Quote from: Denni on February 27, 2018, 09:23:11 AM
It comes down to one simple fact for me. As I expressed previously, I am now a senior citizen, I have lived most of my life as much as that pains me to write that. My kids and especially my grandkids are just starting their journeys in life. I have seen the pain that my coming out brought to my wife and it was something that left me with the knowledge that I could never bring that same pain to them. Is it a sacrifice on my part, sure, but to me it is a small price to pay for their continued happiness. It has nothing to do with impending disaster or taking a chance on what might happen if I fully transitioned. To me their happiness is more important than my own.

An update on this posting I am not implying that I am not happy with my decision. I am happy, and comfortable with where I am at in my journey. That happiness comes with the changes that HRT have brought on mentally with me. The change in my emotions, the almost total loss of the bitterness and anger that I had prior in my life have been replaced with the ability to see things differently and in how I live my life. The physical changes have brought the knowledge of aligning body and mind that I have wished for in my life. I am thankful for those changes even if they have come later in my life. There are so many of us that keep wishing for things that we do not have, sometimes we need to realize what we do have and be thankful for them. Hiugs

HappyMoni · March 01, 2018, 04:48:32 PM

Don't answer if you don't want to but I am curious. If you did transition (or be more visual if that is a better way to state it), do you think you would be more non binary? A theoretical question that I think I know, but...

Denni · March 05, 2018, 08:42:10 AM

Moni,
Interesting question, interesting answer in that I hope others will answer with their own thoughts in how they handle their transitions when they do not fully engage. Personally I have always viewed myself as the "tom boy" type and if fully transitioning I do not see that changing. My days are easier knowing that when I dress in the morning I am wearing the proper clothing already, in that starting with my underwear, the clothing that I typically wear is from the women's section. My jeans, cords, slacks, shorts, T's, sweaters and tops give me that comfort. The clothing would remain with maybe a more feminine pair of slacks and top on occasion. Hair in a pony tail and no make up the norm, non-binary no, country girl, yes. Hugs

Anne Blake · July 16, 2018, 10:43:17 AM

Hello to the Red Headed Step Children that have been following this thread. On a very sad note, Denni, our much loved red headed sister, has finished her struggles with the trans beast and passed on earlier this month, the victim of an auto accident. She was a dear friend of many on this site and I will miss her greatly. She lived her life with primary focus on others, family, church and community, rather than herself and much can be learned from that focus. I, for one, will be putting special energy into loving those in my family, whether blood or chosen. In her memory, please love those close, deeply!

Your sister,
Tia Anne

KathyLauren · July 16, 2018, 12:12:47 PM

Oh, my!

I am so sorry to hear that.

Breeze 57 · July 16, 2018, 08:58:44 PM

Today is the first time I've read this thread and found it extremely interesting. I felt like I could understand Denni's struggles and decisions. Then saddened to read of her death. It's like reading a book and the main character dies in the end......but this was a real person. I have a pit in my stomach. I'm so sorry.

Laurie · July 16, 2018, 09:05:55 PM

I was sorry to read of Denni's passing also in Monica's thread. I shall miss her as will many of our members she has reached out to.

May you rest in peace Denni.

Hugs,
Laurie

pamelatransuk · July 17, 2018, 09:21:02 AM

I recall this thread from Feb/March and I recall some others from Denni.

I am so sorry to hear this piece of news.

Rest in Peace, Denni.

Pamela

VickyS · July 17, 2018, 11:19:39 AM

I am so very sorry to hear this awful news. Denni was intelligent, loving and insightful. Spread your wings sister and fly to eternal peace and happiness. x

Thank you Tia Anne for letting us know.

HappyMoni · July 17, 2018, 01:26:16 PM

I am happy to see this thread being looked at by newbies and those of us who have been around a while too. I think that people hearing her message of respect for people of all paths would make her smile. I looked up to her for taking a path of limited social transition. It was a path she chose for the benefit of the people she loved. It is something I did not have the strength to do. She never complained about her choice, but accepted that it was right. I think it important for anyone reading this to know that she was happy in her solution. She found a middle ground that worked well for her and those she loved.
Moni
Thank you Tia Anne.

Sno · July 17, 2018, 02:36:06 PM

As a Redheaded Step Child, there is a question above that needs an answer, out of respect for the original poster, and to "be proud" of what I am (taking back a little of myself).

My journey of nontransition is driven by an absolute - I have medically induced PTSD. This has in part has lead to other struggles (which very close friends know about), and much of my world is compromised as a result.

Yet, thanks @Denni, @Cindy, @Susan, Jayne, Moni, well, you get the picture - and listing all the members that I've ever interacted with would be long...; here I am.

Rowan

HappyMoni · July 18, 2018, 10:21:32 AM

Rowan,
I don't know your story like others here. Are you speaking of medical transition or social transition or is that too simplistic a question? I would love to see you maximize your ability to be yourself whatever the obstacles. Yes, things sometimes are brick walls to us. Sometimes you use that brick wall as the backdrop for a beautiful garden so to speak. In other words do the most with what you can do. I'm not trying to give a simplistic response but I don't know what difficulties you face. As I stated somewhere in this thread, I am a totally wrong person to help with questions on the order of red headed step child issues. I was not strong enough. But I would be glad to listen. Warmly.
Monica

News:

Feeling like a "Red Headed Step Child", Am I the only one?