Why do transgender feelings get stronger with age?

[Danielle Kristina]

For all my life I knew I was different.  I was never completely miserable born AMAB, but had secretly wished I were female.  I remember feeling this way since preschool.  Seldom did I think about gender growing up, but the thoughts were there.  When I "discovered my body" I always fantasized that I was female.  This continued well into my adult years.  Later on, long after I had grown up and moved out of Mom & Dad's and on my own, I began crossdressing occasionally.  Sometimes the desires to dress were frequent and sometimes not.  Several times I purged my clothing, vowing to be a man and never dress again.  This sometimes worked for short periods of time and sometimes long enough for me to believe that the feelings were gone for good.  Of course, no matter how long the feelings were gone, they always came back eventually.  Sometimes I would look at women out of sexual desire and sometimes I would admire them in jealousy for the bodies they had but I didn't.  Still, I didn't consider myself transgender.  As far as I knew, I was a heterosexual cisgender male.  Despite my feminine feelings, I usually felt like a man unless my female feelings were upon me.

However, in the last few months my feminine feelings exploded.  Now I dress fulltime at home (I still live alone, so dressing at home is easy).  I still present as male outside the house, but at home I'm Danielle all the way.  And even when I am presenting as male, I deep down want to be my true self, though I also work to maintain my manliness in male mode. 

It was this sudden explosion of femininity that made me realize that I was more than just a crossdresser.
So my question is why do these feelings get stronger with age?  I know they do, since so many transgender people stated that their gender issues were not severe until they were well up there in age.  What are your thoughts?


Danielle

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Danielle Kristina,
My unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed.  When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
I think your question is a good one. I know there is much more to it as well.
Yours truly, Kirsten.

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[Rachel_Christina]

I think it might be to do with the simple fact that our lives have limits. After a while they end, I remember ignoring how I felt, but as every year flew buy so fast I remember the panic of thinking I was wasting more time.
I gave up on hiding and since being out for a half of a year and hormones for too, I can honestly say now I am truly alive, I never realised the sort of half life I was living till now that I'm living it fully.
If you are trans truly, you have to do something about it! 💖

[randim]

I think it might be to do with the simple fact that our lives have limits. After a while they end, I remember ignoring how I felt, but as every year flew buy so fast I remember the panic of thinking I was wasting more time.
I gave up on hiding and since being out for a half of a year and hormones for too, I can honestly say now I am truly alive, I never realised the sort of half life I was living till now that I'm living it fully.
If you are trans truly, you have to do something about it! 💖

This.

Knowing in your bones that time is slipping away is powerful motivation.

Or as the pop song says:

When did the choices get so hard
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there's less of it to waste

[Kirsteneklund7]

Also Danielle Kristina -how about this. Like you as a child onwards my sweetest daydream was to be a girl. My ultimate private fantasy was to somehow be physically and socially female. Through life I could stay on top of this desire or ignore the thoughts if necessary - until age 46 when the issue became relentless. I couldn't shake the desire to be female like I normally could. Initially I thought I might have low testosterone so I took testosterone gel via prescription. Funilly this put my predicament into overdrive and made me feel more uneasy and edgy. I dropped the medication and went to see a psychiatrist. This led to a couple of psychologists and onto estrogen HRT & rapid relief. I got on top of the issues.
The question of gender unease becoming stronger with age is a good one. I know extra androgens doesn't help. Female hormones actually reduce the intensity somehow.
I would love to hear what you find out.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[KathyLauren]

I think Rachel Christina has the right answer: everyone has a limit.  The frustrations build up over the years, and eventually we just can't take it any more.  It is the straw that breaks the camel's back: there's no telling which straw will do it, but sooner or later one of them will.

Our false self just gets tired of pretending.  I do tech work for a community theatre company, and I was asked if I would like to be on stage some time.  My answer was, "No thanks.  I have been acting for 60 years, and I am done with it."

At the same time, out true self sees the clock ticking our lives away and starts to worry that they may never get their chance to be.  So the true self starts to insist.

[TonyaW]

For all my life I knew I was different.  I was never completely miserable born AMAB, but had secretly wished I were female.  I remember feeling this way since preschool.  Seldom did I think about gender growing up, but the thoughts were there.  When I "discovered my body" I always fantasized that I was female.  This continued well into my adult years.  Later on, long after I had grown up and moved out of Mom & Dad's and on my own, I began crossdressing occasionally.  Sometimes the desires to dress were frequent and sometimes not.  Several times I purged my clothing, vowing to be a man and never dress again.  This sometimes worked for short periods of time and sometimes long enough for me to believe that the feelings were gone for good.  Of course, no matter how long the feelings were gone, they always came back eventually.  Sometimes I would look at women out of sexual desire and sometimes I would admire them in jealousy for the bodies they had but I didn't.  Still, I didn't consider myself transgender.  As far as I knew, I was a heterosexual cisgender male.  Despite my feminine feelings, I usually felt like a man unless my female feelings were upon me.

However, in the last few months my feminine feelings exploded.  Now I dress fulltime at home (I still live alone, so dressing at home is easy).  I still present as male outside the house, but at home I'm Danielle all the way.  And even when I am presenting as male, I deep down want to be my true self, though I also work to maintain my manliness in male mode. 

It was this sudden explosion of femininity that made me realize that I was more than just a crossdresser.
So my question is why do these feelings get stronger with age?  I know they do, since so many transgender people stated that their gender issues were not severe until they were well up there in age.  What are your thoughts?


Danielle

Hi Danielle

Apparently a lot of us share a similar past.
With a few minor changes, this is my story also.


Maybe after we figure out the big why, as in why does this happen in the first place, someone will figure out the why now. My wife especially would like to know that and I have no answer. 
Best I got is that it's been called the trans beast, and the beast has finally escaped its cage.  Still doesn't say why.  I kept it locked up or at least restrained until I was 54.

I had also thought that maybe it was a low testosterone thing that was weakening my resistance  to the beast, so I had that tested. Even though that came back normal for a male my age, I later tried herbal supplements. Funny the problem turned out not be be to little testosterone but way too much.



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[Gertrude]

I look at it as a mental repetitive stress injury. It's like being an actor in a long running play with multiple performances a day of a character that's not you and/or you don't like very much. After thousands of performances, we begin to hate it and there comes a point where some of can't take it. Another analogy would be a psychological yip. Look up yip. You've done it 10,000 times and all of a sudden you can't do it anymore.


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[Gertrude]

Hi Danielle Kristina,
My unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed.  When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
I think your question is a good one. I know there is much more to it as well.
Yours truly, Kirsten.

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I thought the same thing, but I went on t once for ED and my t went from 134 to 910. It didn't suppress the dysphoria, but I was older, as this was a couple years ago. Losing a >-bleeped-< ton of weight fixed the ED without needing t though. Ymmv.


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[HappyMoni]

I agree with the posters before this. I would add one thought. I think when we are younger, the world is more full of possible outcomes. An appealing possible outcome in our heads is that we can beat being trans or fight it off. Now the thought of completely dismantling our lives to do something like transition doesn't go with living a life as a person everyone expects you to be. There is powerful motivation for a trans person to stick with the thought that the beast can be managed (for some, it can). One day, for whatever reason it is sparked, we can come to the conclusion that we must move off of the status quo. I was so tired of the cycle of fighting it off, burying my head in some project, that I wanted  to put my head through a wall. I was naive in thinking I could just do one thing and that would tide me over. Not speaking for anyone else here, but once I popped the cork of that bottle and let out the possible thought of becoming me, Monica, well, it became an unstoppable freight train of needing progress toward that goal. If for some reason, I had to go back, my life would essentially be over.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello everyone

This is a very interesting debate and I agree with all responses also.

My two main feelings are:

1. Only relevantly recently (since around 2000) has the Transgender subject been in the public domain and although we knew for many years without necessarily knowing the term (I wished to be girl since age 4), very few if anyone close to us, would understand and that the matter had to be buried and suppressed repeatedly but the societal taboo still apparent is much less prevalent these days; gradually people are more accepting. This subconsciously means we need no longer to fight the beast and release the  true girl within us step by step into full acceptance to transition.

2. We fight the beast so long and eventually there comes a time - unintended and perhaps subconcious at first - that we become fatigued and disillusioned as the fighting is gaining nothing. We are still losing, the dam is burst and hence we have to take action as we otherwise would remain deeply unhappy and perhaps never recover from the misery. Basically the dominance of transgender wins the inner war.

Hugs to you all

Pamela 

[AprilJeane]

This is a topic my therapist and I have been discussing at length lately. I know for me one reason is because my mind is more relaxed. I'm very goal orientated and I have to have something to achieve, it's not so much the goal that kept me focus as it was the chase of the goal. I have achieved every goal in life I set for myself and I have nothing left to accomplish. There is nothing more male version can do or has left to accomplish. For the first time in my life I have reached a placed where I can relax and think about what I really want and I am to focus on my true feelings. Being in that state has made what I have felt even strong and real me is now screaming to get out and that it is finally her time. This is just one reason, the other reason is that like a few people have said before hormones start to change at a certain age and you become even more aware of your true feelings.
V/R
April

[Danielle Kristina]

You have all given some powerful responses!  Incan definitely see the frustration of living a lie or pretending for so long that one cannot take it anymore.  I'm a way, that's how it was for me too.  Shortly before I started dressing full time at home, I was attempting to purge my clothes.  As I saw them lying in the garbage can I just couldn't bear to let them go.  I didn't wear them, but couldn't stand the thought of throwing them away.  So I rescued them from my sense of manly denial.  Shortly after that, Danielle came back stronger than ever!  It's as if she said, "So you're trying to get rid of me, huh?  Well now you're stuck with me full time!"  Since then she's been a daily part of my life.

I found myself tired of trying to get rid of a part of myself that is not going away no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.  I grew tired of fighting a losing battle, almost like I were fighting a forest fire with a squirt gun.  I sought gender therapy and my therapist helped me see that I'm transgender.  It took a few sessions, but I came to terms with it and I don't condemn myself anymore.  I know now that I'm trans and that's ok, and that's also why I've felt the way I have since as far back as I can remember.  I also know that as a trans woman I just can't run away from who inreally am anymore.


Danielle

[Kylo]

I would say because finding the source of misery or disconnection like this is a process of elimination. When you've tried many things to be happy and waited long enough, and yet still not found any other answers to the problem, you come to accept the inevitable truth. And when you do that, it can intensify - there are no hopeful distractions left. 

(Speaking as a transsexual that is. I'm not sure of the situations for cross-dressing/dressers).

[Ryuichi13]

I've wanted to be male for as far back as I can remember.  I thought "oh well, I guess I'm stuck with this female body."  I also thought I was the only one that felt like they "had been born in the wrong body."

I didn't know not only there was a name for what I am, but that there was something I could do about it.  I found out otherwise four years ago.

Now, I'm transitioning, and completely happy that there IS something I can do about being born in the wrong body!  So I suppose for me, its simply a fact of "my being ignorant of the fact that I can transition" that prevented me from doing so.

I know, I'm probably the exception to the rule. 

Ryuichi

[Danielle Kristina]

I've wanted to be male for as far back as I can remember.  I thought "oh well, I guess I'm stuck with this female body."  I also thought I was the only one that felt like they "had been born in the wrong body."

I didn't know not only there was a name for what I am, but that there was something I could do about it.  I found out otherwise four years ago.

Now, I'm transitioning, and completely happy that there IS something I can do about being born in the wrong body!  So I suppose for me, its simply a fact of "my being ignorant of the fact that I can transition" that prevented me from doing so.

I know, I'm probably the exception to the rule. 

Ryuichi

I too didn't know why I felt the way I did throughout my life.  I felt ashamed and as if I were the only one who felt I was in the wrong body.  I tried denying my feelings all my life, pretending I didn't have them or shaming myself for having them.  I finally came to realize that these feelings are just as much a part of me as any other trait and I have nothing to be ashamed of.  For the first time in my life I feel ok about it.  I no longer condemn myself for being who I am.

[Ryuichi13]

I too didn't know why I felt the way I did throughout my life.  I felt ashamed and as if I were the only one who felt I was in the wrong body.  I tried denying my feelings all my life, pretending I didn't have them or shaming myself for having them.  I finally came to realize that these feelings are just as much a part of me as any other trait and I have nothing to be ashamed of.  For the first time in my life I feel ok about it.  I no longer condemn myself for being who I am.

I went as close to being male as I could, which actually ended up becoming androgynous for most of my adult life.  I'm still a jeans, t-shirts and converses kinda guy, but when I was pretending to be female, I dealt with that as much as I felt comfortable with.  I'd wear dresses with combat boots, mens' leather pants with a girly-cut black t-shirt with bat wings on the back, and the like.  It helped being Goth when I dressed up. 

The last time I actually wore a dress and heels, it was to my brother's wedding six or seven years ago. 

Now, I have a couple of nice suits given to me that need to be tailored to fit.  No more dresses and heels, EVER.

I think one of my my biggest fears as I grow older is being buried as female.  I don't think that'll happen now.

Ryuichi

[krobinson103]

When I was 11ish I knew what I needed to do. I was different, I didn't fit in. This was 1985 and the knowledge wasn't out there. As I grew older my fantasies always revolved around being a women. Didn't matter who I was with - Man or Woman. At 18 I thought maybe I'm just gay. That worked... sort of. Then I went to South Korea where not meeting the expectations of society carries a high price. I got married to a woman but I always felt jealous of woman simply because they got the right body and I did not. These feelings were held at bay by obsessive hobbies and crazy amounts of exercise for 14 years.

The one day the dam broke and I was staring at the blade of a knife mm away from ending my own life. This was shocking! I'm a glass half full person how could it have come to this? Then I realized that what I'd been doing for 32 years was running away from myself. You can't run away from yourself no matter how hard you try. I felt like there were two people inside at war with each other. I had conversations with myself in a little mental 'meeting room' I constructed. I thought I was going crazy.

But I wasn't I had built a social construct personality over the years to show the world but it wasn't me. I had never been me and that day looking at the knife I knew what I had two choices. To step off the world right now and get on with dying, or get on with living. I went to the local clinic the next day, arranged for informed consent and the next day I started to live full time a woman and who cares what people think. I have never looked back.

I've never been happier, more confident, more socially adjusted, Healthier, but more importantly - I LIKE BEING ME. This has had a high cost. I've lost my wife, will prob lose 20 years of accumulated stuff (house etc) and it makes my job harder. I still don't care. You get one life and I don't intend to go out with 'I wish hads...'

[jaybutterfly]

Dysphoria I would liken to a kind of stress. The longer you stay stressed out, the worse it effects you

[KatieP]

I think one of my my biggest fears as I grow older is being buried as female. 

Oh my.

This thread touches on my two deepest fears in my life, and why I have done more to transition in the past 2 years than in the 59 before them.

My two biggest fears in my life today are:

-- Dying alone
-- Dying as a man

Unfortunately for me, the more I move towards fixing the second one, the more I make the first one a reality.

I cannot even think about this issue without crying...

Kate