Finally declaring my path, May be too heavy.

[DawnOday]

Today I went on a discovery tour. I again sought help from a gender therapist, and we are going to explorer how to stop being so hard on myself. Somehow I can't ignore my lifetime of self hate, low self esteem and just move on. We are creatures of habit and most of mine have been around telling myself I'm not worthy, I'm not very interesting. Based on responses to most of my posts, you agree.
No, forget that. I would not be where I am today without your stories, advice, information. I have learned more in the last two years than the previous ten. Oh, I can tell you about Six Sigma, testing computer programs and maintaining schedules.
I stopped drinking long ago. Not that booze made me any more interesting. But it did almost get me killed by a biker group. Last time I drank, I downed a six pack of Killians Red and then barfed the rest of the night. So I don't socialize much. Most my life, the last thirty years, my life revolved around my family. I have the firm belief that nothing matters more than family. When I came to that conclusion my son was already 18 months old. Again I was appalled that I didn't realize sooner.  I had gone through a tumultuous few years. First I got divorced because my wife found out I crossdress. Then my Mother was murdered by a drunk driver and the next year my Dad passed. Mom was 56 Dad was 57. I have outlived both of them. I have always felt I may have been responsible for my mom's death. The week before she was killed she caught me cross dressing. I was no longer a seven year old. I can't help but feel she finally fulfilled her threat to walk in front of traffic and kill herself. Anyway, I still can't move past any of it and that is what I want to accomplish in therapy. Once I get past all the guilt. Then I will be set to move to the next step in my transition. Going full time. I dress a couple times a week but I want to find how I can proceed to full time without destroying my marriage. My wife has been great. She has always kept me grounded. But she didn't marry a woman. I hope she realizes she married her best friend.
Later I went to my vocal coach and this was the best I have done thus far. We only had one marker in the "not up to scale" cup. I hope Emily will continue to be my friend after we are done. She is amazing and always uplifting. Anyway, time to get going. I hope that we can resolve this quickly because I am just aching to get on and live out my days as the person I always thought I was. I don't regret anything and I haven't felt this good in decades. Anyone in the Tacoma area on Saturday we have the weekend tea from 10am-noon. At the Rainbow Center.

[Northern Star Girl]

@DawnOday
Dear Dawn:
So sorry to hear about your guilt that you feel regarding your mom....  hopefully the old adage that time heals old wounds and the fact that you are again seeing a therapist will help bring healing and forgiveness for yourself. 

Aside from all of that I am reading your post as a good news report... 
Now, of course, we will be looking for updates .....
Thank you for your trust in us and sharing.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Sonja]

@DawnOday

Hi Dawn,

There are so many people in the world walking different paths, some people are climbing mountains, going into space,
going to war, but transitioning IMO might be one of the hardest paths to walk because there is no clear and set guide to walk each individual through. Even astronauts have scores of people talking them through what they have to do, but not for us.  It is a test of mind, body and soul, an endurance test set to test all of us each and everyday.  I would say to you - because of this very difficult path you're on, give yourself some credit, allow yourself to remember the past but not to let it burden you. So much of what we're trying to achieve is aimed at the future, we can't carry the past as well, its too much.  I hope that what ever the reason is why you feel guilty, you forgive yourself, parents always seemed like immeasurable, invulnerable  people to me when I was young, but they're not, they are people just like everyone except they are putting on a brave face while they navigate the difficult path of parenthood - I'm sure you know this.
My biggest regret right now is not having enough time to get to know more people on Susans Pl better, my time is very spread out and sporadic ( as Danielle has noticed..lol ) But I have enjoyed reading your posts and comments when they come up.
Keep up your voice coaching - Emily sounds like a very positive force in your life - which is what we all need, always!
Enjoy your Tea at the rainbow center - and stay away from biker gangs!! lol


Take care always XO,

Sonja.

[DawnOday]

Sonja...Your right about different paths. Some do land on the moon and I happened to be in Hawaii to welcome them back home. I also helped build the space shuttle. I was on the team that built the YF17 which eventually became the F18. I also hiked Mt St. Helens about 20 years ago. I really try hard to forget the past. I called my first wife before I started HRT. I got divorced 42 years ago. I had not talked to her in that time. Yet I can't get her out of my head because I feel guilty. I finally wrote out a letter letting her know I don't blame her. Mom and Dad.  I really don't dwell on it as much as I used to. Maybe because I stopped trying to self medicate. Though I'm 66 years old I can't help but look to the future as I am so happy now that I finally came out. I've dumped a lot of the load. Now I just need to pay attention to the fringe.

Danielle.. Thanks for the encouragement. I wish it was all that easy. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." It sucks being caught between stupid and brilliant. What did I just say?  I'm normal?

[VickyS]

We are creatures of habit and most of mine have been around telling myself I'm not worthy, I'm not very interesting. Based on responses to most of my posts, you agree.

Well, I think you are INCREDIBLY interesting and truly inspirational. I love your comments when someone about 5'7" is worried about their height, you pitch in and tell them what you are doing at your height and not to worry about it.  Same with age.  At almost 44 I do worry about my age and what I can accomplish, but then you change your avatar again and at 66 years of age show us how beautiful you look and it really does help immensely.  You are beautiful inside and out and have an amazingly fun and clever personality.  I really enjoy reading your posts, so please keep them coming!

I hope you can realise your dream and live full time in bliss with your wife and dump all that baggage from the past with some steering from your therapist.  Good luck and thank you for being here for all of us. 

[Gertrude]

What helps me is the realization that I choose how I think and feel and I am responsible for that. It sort of makes me analyze how I feel when I'm triggered. The other thing is the acceptance of who and what I am. I find that that the older I get, the less I care about what others think of me. Another acceptance is that the past is past. I can't change it, but I can choose what I do now. Regret can be destructive and being in a place where I have no power to change things is counterproductive at best. The journey, as it seems to me, is uncovering who we are, which requires removing all the crap piled on us. We're not broken, we're buried under ->-bleeped-<-e.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Chloe]

I don't regret anything and I haven't felt this good in decades. Anyone in the Tacoma area on Saturday we have the weekend tea from 10am-noon. At the Rainbow Center.

           Dawn, is that every Sat or once a month? Perhaps will show up one day! Our stories are very similar - father knew before he passed but not mother. While divorced 8 years she is now back and we're sharing *grand-babies* together!

[BrianaJ]

Hi Dawn,

Not too heavy at all!  As I read through your post, I got the feeling at the end that you just took a great big wonderfully feeling deep breath and put a big happy smile on your face and said, "so there it is and I'm gonna be just fine."


And Sonja, I'm with you on this thought.  There are so many people on this forum, and in our community in general that have so much to offer. 

@DawnOday

My biggest regret right now is not having enough time to get to know more people on Susans Pl better, my time is very spread out and sporadic...

[randim]

Hi Dawn,

I have a lot of similar issues with internalized shame and low self-esteem.  I think it comes with the territory for people of our inclinations and generation.  It helps me to remember that I am entitled to the same respect I try to show towards others.  Each human life, mine and yours included, is unique, short and precious. You're clearly had your share of pain in your life.  Maybe that will be balanced with more happiness in your later years.  I hope so. You should not beat yourself up about your mother.  If a drunk driver is involved, it is almost certainly a tragic accident and the fault lies with the driver.

Good luck with your therapy.  Just take things one step at a time and see where they lead.  I hope your wife will handle it well.

BTW.  I find your post very insightful and interesting. Just sayin'

[KathyLauren]

Dawn, I am sorry that you have had to carry such guilt for so many years.  Congratulations on deciding to do something about it.  May you be relieved of your burden!

[Stevi]

Dawn,

I read your post with great interest.  I can relate to your sense of irrelevance.  I have, in the past especially, felt sort of like a fifth wheel.  Not having much to say or feeling someone just said it better than I could have so why should I bother.  Much less so now, but it still hits me at times.  Some things just need to hammered home sometimes, so a reinforcing comment is not a waste of time.  Sometimes the comment is as much helpful for ourselves as it is helpful to others.

I have a journal type op running with 292 replies.  I suspect more than half of them are my own.  Many of my entries don't elicit a single reply from anyone.  I am usually OK with that.  I know there are people that read them.  They may or may not take something away with them.  That journal is more for me than it is for anyone else.  It is a place for me to protect my memories.  Record my success and frustrations.  To reflect my growth back at me.

For the longest time after joining, I struggled to reach even the minimal posting counts for any real privileges.  As of late, I can make more posts in a day than I did in my first 6 months.  Way back then, I was looking inward to examine what was within me.  As I began to like what I saw more and more, I was more willing to let others see me through my comments.  As I liked what saw, I could be more encouraging because I was encouraged for myself.

I don't know if any of that really even matches anything you need to deal with.  What you said made me feel like I needed to express it.

I get from your post that you have decided to stop watching the scene in the rear view mirror and to keep your eyes on the road ahead.   Enjoy the scenery as you pass it by.  I hope you arrive safely at your destination.

Stevi

[JudiBlueEyes]

Dawn,
Despite the down parts, you have lived a full life!  The low self esteem and all that goes with it is common.  I'm glad to hear you are speaking with a counselor, it did a world of good for me. 

I have always read your posts with interest.  Please keep it up.  Hugs.
Judi

[DawnOday]

Thanks all for your kind words.   Because people would not listen to me and when I know I'm right. I will stand up for myself. But to others it seems like I am always angry and that I don't look at the bright side of things because I seldom engage in private conversations and they are surprised I can talk. No I explore both sides of the situation. Not everything is rosey. Then I tend to think that I need to really simplify and I get caught giving the impression I think they are stupid. I prefer hugs to conflict. I am for equality for all. I don't intend to peeve everyone off. That's what I want to work on. Everything else is brilliant. I have a beautiful family, I've escaped death for thirty years even though I was supposed to die 20 years ago. I believe old dogs can learn new tricks. The last two years of my transition proves you can. I long for the day I can hold my head up proudly and say. I am woman hear me roar.

Kiera-  We just got a new facilitator as Kathrine has moved to Seattle and the trek to Tacoma was a little long. She will be attending Ingersoll meetings. Any how. Yes It is every week. The Center is on Pacific, near El Goucho. We have a new volunteer facilitator.