As the title says.
First of all, i'll tell you where I come from and what situation I am in.
LONG STORYI myself am from
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagestan, It's a small republic in Russia. My dad fled europe with me in 2004. The thing is, he had to sell his business to... buy me out, because I was kidnapped by the police and they wanted a 1/4 million $ from him. He barely managed to scrap that amount by selling his apartment and business.
My dad came to the appointed location with the money, but he also brought other people, friends, friends of friends, to be nearby if something goes wrong. After he came with all the money, they suddenly wanted more money then initially agreed upon. From my memory and what I heard from my dad, is that a small conflict happened and my dads friends came out of cover because the police didn't want to give me back. The police then left me and went into their cars and went away. Then it wasn't safe for us to stay and we left to europe in 2004. Because of a different story in 2010 went back to russia. And we were long forgotten, and i started school and everything was okay until my dad met that same person that was in that police team that kidnapped me. Then my dad contacted a journalist to tell his past story so it is known and he thought he would get security by doing that.
But after he was going to meet that journalist, it was very late in the night because what I heard is , that the journalist had a lot of work to do and that journalist postponed the appointment all the time later and later.
So then when he was ready to meet him, they were going to meet, it was dark early because it was winter. But, a car stopped by and armed men shot that journalist dead, my dad witnessed and survived.
My dad went to the police station as a witness and gave a testimony, but... they wanted him to dismiss his witness testimony soon after. Later when they told him to go home for today, and they will call him back that week. One of the nicer police officers told him that it doesn't matter if he will take back his testimony that he will be soon dead anyway. The thing is, the killers of that journalist were wearing a police uniform.
Later that week, we had some visitors, these were islamic extremists, that we called Wahhabits, they wanted my dad and me to go "clean" our blood from our Sins. My dad realized that this has something to do with the police and his witness testimony and immediately he started packing our bags and we run to his brother. And were hiding there then at some other relatives, meanwhile this wahhabits came again to my grandpas home, and asked for us.
The reason they were here is because they wanted that we purify our blood, that is, they offered us to go "to the woods" and train to be most likely suicid bmbers or whatever. Most people that we heard went there never came back... We were really afraid.
then we fled to Europe, Netherlands precisely since that was the only visum we could get hands on by paying 5000 Euros for both of us. But instead of looking at the only little proof we had that my dad was called in as a witness for that murder, the dutch government said russia is a democratic country and a big country and that we could have fled to Siberia, somewhere we could live in safety.
That is why we went to a different european country trying to open our case there, but instead we were sent back to the netherlands, I think we have been in every western/north european countries except england.
But always were sent back to Netherlands because of a dublin law which states, the country you asked for asylum first, there your case should be examined, and it's your only chance. But they ignored all the facts and proof and just gave us a negative answer and threw us out into the streets instead of deporting us.
and since 2015 I am living in Germany, on Tuesday there is a court hearing if I am psychologically stable to being sent back to russia.
Tbh I am currently in a psychiatric clinic because I am suicidal because I am sooooo much afraid of being sent back to russia and experience and see all the ->-bleeped-<- all over again. But I can't tell anyone I have gender issues bacause my dead my not know about it or our relationship is busted and I won't have a dad anymore and that will bring shame to him. But I can't live like that forever, especially I can never go back to russia. and I don't even know If I really want to be a girl, maybe it's just temporary symptoms of my depression.. tbh i'd rather go to some transgender friendly country like japan, thailand or I think even canada is good in that reason, but ............ nvm
___
TLDRBut here is my actual problem that has been annoying since I was a teen....
At the age of 6, I was kidnapped, and held hostage for a few weeks. The only thing I remembered is that I didn't get any food for the first few days, but later on I got water and bread once a day. then everything was just blank until the Trade between police and my dad was happening.
And here is the thing I have never told anyone in my life, even my dad. The thing I was ashamed of my whole life...
That These police people raped me... In fact, they raped me so hard that my anal hole isn't round and normal, but rather oval and it feels like the outer hole, the outer muscle in the anus? is a little bit ripped, that is why I have hard time using toiletpaper to clean myself, I always need some water because ..... Or maybe it's not because of the rape but everyone has that problem...
that fact I only was aware of since we were threatened to be sent to russia a few years ago.
MY PROBLEM IS..... that every since puberty... I actually feel disgust by becoming manly. The hair all over my body.... the broad body build.... I am already 23 and only since 4-5 years my facial "beard" started growing rapidly and I hate it.
MY............ PROBLEM........ IS........ I masturbate very often..... and I watch transgender porn... In fact I am disgusted by manliness, and I am disgusted by gay porn.... Straight porn I feel much less.... lesbian porn Is okay... but trans... and only trans gives me the most...
BUT....... after I orgasm... I feel ashamed.. guilty.. and disgusted by me... even the fact that I actually want to be a girl... clothe like a girl.... have a femenine face.... have long hair... have a female body build..... thin waist... basically EVERYTHING THAT IS *NOT* man.... Sometimes I imagine being anally penetrated too... I don't know why ... feels like I am not normal.
I know I am not gay, because like I said, i hate men and I even hate the manliness ON MYSELF...
AND I have a German Girlfriend, and she knows that I have this.... manliness issues and wanting to be femeine and she doens't have anything against that..
I even want to have children with her and keep my penis just beause of her to have a sex life with her.
But every time I orgasm, the feeling of depression, shame and despair comes almost immediately if not after 1-3 seconds after the orgasm, and I feel like it's a mistake and an error in my brain that I want to be a girl,
Over the years i download many trans porns, but after orgasming I tend to delete HUNDREDS of gigabytes of porn because I feel disgusted...
Except............. 1-5 minutes after the orgasm I feel neutral... maybe a bit disgusted by it, but after 5 minutes... I feel like I want to be a girl again......
This is going on for many years now. Nobody knows that... I wanted to share because I wanted to ask... ....... could my kidnapping and rape from my childhood have anything to do with my ... .dysphoria... and is that the right thing to call it in my situation? as a child i blocked my kidnapping/rape experience and never thought about this ever again, as if the memory never existed, but now facing deportation all of this came back and I get flashbacks of images of all the things happened to me.
I don't know what to do anymore, tbh I don't know if I WON'T even kill myself after I hear the court decision on 22th but still... i really want to know what is wrong with me..>
PS: i mostly used masturbating to relieve stress and depression even if it was for a short time... Since october I am taking mirtazapin, an anti depressant. Because of that I gained weight from 68kg to 88 kg in just this half year, and that makes me even more depressed.
PS: And If i get deported, AND IF i survive russia, i in not way will ever be able to live as a girl.
Also the Republic of Dagestan where I come from, 95% of the population consists of muslims, and gay's or transgenders bring a lot of shame into the families that, the families themselves kill you, and the police torture such people before they kill them.
I am really confused... ANd I don't know if the long story was even necessary to tell here. In fact I was so confused I didn't know where to start with my story.... and everything got so mixed up...
And I really apologize for my English.
