Unlocking the Past

[LucyEgo]

Im trying to look back into my past trying to find any indication of transgender thoughts.

There's nothing firm I can grasp, only a recollection of putting on a pair of my moms tights and a fascination with makeup. I was always closer to my female relatives and felt a sense of unfulfilled belonging with women which was easier when you're going through school, but not so easy when you're older and people put up gender barriers because men and women can never be friends.

What's the best way of unlocking the past?

I've been looking at my body a bit more recently, especially my legs and feet, and they feel and look a lot more feminine. I don't know why. Im quite excited. It's taken a few months, but I feel like Im seeing something there that wasn't there before.

It's giving me impetus to lose weight. Feel like I have some direction. Can't see any femininity in my upper half yet.

[KathyLauren]

I found that those moments from my past come back gradually over time.  It's not that I had forgotten them.  It is that I never understood their significance before.  Something will trigger one of those memories, and suddenly, I will get a flash of understanding: "OMG, now that makes sense!" 

But something has to trigger the memory.  I couldn't just call one up at random.  I can now,of course, now that those memories have meaning.

Memory doesn't work well if you force it.  Ever have the experience of trying to remember someone's name and not being able to do it.  And then, half an hour after you gave up trying, the name comes to you.  Memory works best if you give it a suggestion of what to look for and then just let it be.

[sarah1972]

Wow Kathy Lauren, you describe very well what happens to me since I started transitioning. Many childhood and other life memories came back. Mostly by surprise and many have significance to my life today.

I am glad I am not the only one.

Hugs,

Sarah

I found that those moments from my past come back gradually over time.  It's not that I had forgotten them.  It is that I never understood their significance before.  Something will trigger one of those memories, and suddenly, I will get a flash of understanding: "OMG, now that makes sense!" 

But something has to trigger the memory.  I couldn't just call one up at random.  I can now,of course, now that those memories have meaning.

Memory doesn't work well if you force it.  Ever have the experience of trying to remember someone's name and not being able to do it.  And then, half an hour after you gave up trying, the name comes to you.  Memory works best if you give it a suggestion of what to look for and then just let it be.

[ErinAscending]

Everyone is a little different.   
I've always prided myself on a phenomenal memory, until recently.  My therapist and I are working on a lot of peripheral issues from my past right now and I'm obsessed with reliving every moment of life over and over trying to fill the gaps. 

In so doing, however, I have in a very short period of time been able to remember pretty significant clues all over my lifespan...  Probably more to come as well but this thing hit me like a sledgehammer.  All at once it seems to me.

It's kinda freaky how I just never thought about it...  Skipped right over it whenever I thought of those same times before.  Now it seems like a giant pink neon billboard screaming "Look Here!!!!". /sigh

Lucy,
I wish you all the luck on your quest!!!  Memory is a very strange place to spend your time.  But it is a great way to get to know yourself. 

[Sephirah]

Im trying to look back into my past trying to find any indication of transgender thoughts.

There's nothing firm I can grasp, only a recollection of putting on a pair of my moms tights and a fascination with makeup. I was always closer to my female relatives and felt a sense of unfulfilled belonging with women which was easier when you're going through school, but not so easy when you're older and people put up gender barriers because men and women can never be friends.

What's the best way of unlocking the past?

I've been looking at my body a bit more recently, especially my legs and feet, and they feel and look a lot more feminine. I don't know why. Im quite excited. It's taken a few months, but I feel like Im seeing something there that wasn't there before.

It's giving me impetus to lose weight. Feel like I have some direction. Can't see any femininity in my upper half yet.

Sweetie, can I ask... why does it matter to you that you find some indication of transgender thoughts in your past?

If it's because you feel that you'll have more validity in how you feel now... I can tell you that it makes no difference, okay? It really doesn't. How you feel is how you feel. And looking for indicators to feeling something a long time ago really changes nothing. It doesn't change how you feel now. It doesn't change who you are, or who you want to be.

The truth is, if you look for something hard enough, you'll find it. I could look back on a hundred different things in my life and now, based on how I feel, I could say "Yes, this is definitely an indicator of that." Hindsight is a wonderful thing. A wonderful, if heavily biased thing. Our past is full of confirmation bias. Every single experience we ever had in our lives can be looked back on wearing glasses with lenses shaped around what we want to see. How we want to interpret something to fit the way our lives are now. I see it no end of times. I've been massively guilty of it myself. Something that, at the time I gave no significance to whatsoever... if I looked back on it now I would be like "Yeah, that was definitely an indicator."

But I don't feel you can really do that. Because that isn't how you felt at the time. That isn't what it was all about. And, speaking personally, using things like that to validate how I feel now makes me extremely uneasy, because I feel like it's retcon-ing my past life to fit my current life.

The best way of unlocking the past? Live for the future. Look back on it expecting to find nothing. Live in the moment, and who you are now. Searching the past with pre-determined filters on what we want to find... is hard. Because we don't accept it for what it is, only what we want it to be.

Accept who you are because it's who you are. That's way easier than trying to validate it with indicators from your past. *extra big hug*

[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Lucy,

I didn't know that I was transgender until a few months ago.  It wasn't until I really started engaging in self-exploration, gender therapy, research, and sharing on the forum that I began having realizations and recollections of past memories.  Looking back now it is obvious that I'm transgender, but up until a few months ago there was no convincing me.  Even today I sometimes have doubts, not that there aren't enough signs and indications, but because my head doesn't always want to accept what my heart already knows.  I hope you find the answers you are looking for and wish you all the best on your journey!!!

Hugs!!!


Danielle

[LizK]

I went through a period early on in my transition trying to remember things that I could think of related to being trans. In the end I was so confused..i could no longer work out whether something was a memory or a partial memory or a dream for that matter. I had no point of reference and no one to askk. After months and months of mulling over these memories it struck me pretty much as @sephirah has described..full of confirmation bias, parts forgotten or reinterpreted...and to what end.


It changed nothing about how I felt or who I was now. Yes I have clear memories of my distress as a teenager over my gender issues. I used to dream of  being able to transition but then I didn't know it was even called transition. I knew I could not do anything to shut the constant thoughts about being a girl out of my head. As to the what or why it was neither relevant nor mattered., but I did manage to tie myself up in knots over trying to remember some of the details.


Take care


Liz

[pamelatransuk]

Hello everyone

I am not one for purposefully delving deep into the past or dwelling on the past or investigating and recalling particular incidents.

OTOH subconsciously and unintentionally the mind strange as it is, does recall incidents from the past some of which are clear and some of which are vague but likely partially true. I agree about confirmation bias but my experience on this subject is not planned/intended but simply the way the mind works. The mind drops most irrelevant events and just occasionally reminds me of some of the events.

Hugs

Pamela

[Virginia]

Everyone is a little different.   
I've always prided myself on a phenomenal memory, until recently....I just never thought about it...  Skipped right over it whenever I thought of those same times before. 

It's called Self Delusion, a coping mechanism our minds use to make our reality survivable by not allowing us to see that which causes us pain.

[Tessa James]

The best way of unlocking the past? Live for the future. Look back on it expecting to find nothing. Live in the moment, and who you are now. Searching the past with pre-determined filters on what we want to find... is hard. Because we don't accept it for what it is, only what we want it to be.

Accept who you are because it's who you are. That's way easier than trying to validate it with indicators from your past. *extra big hug*

I so often love your shared thoughts Sephirah.  I was also one of those who once labored through the validity issues and tried to understand myself better by seeking proofs from the past.  We, as a group, seem to go through that with one thread or another fairly regularly here.  For many of us this suggests doubt or fear of what may seem an awful and unacceptable truth perhaps?   

Our memories are unreliable and subject to the ravages of time and perspective.  I repressed years of events from my conscious mind and needed to do intensive therapy work to get to self acceptance.  I heard stories about my youth from my family that seemed like another persons life.  Those stories could vary wildly.  And yes, what does it matter the base origins of who we are and how we most consistently feel today?

Today is the only time we have to make a difference in our lives going forward.  Let the past be your stuff of legend?