Did you play with girls or boys as a child?

[PurpleWolf]

A thread I always wanted to make:
Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?

General ideas:

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?

Were you accepted in either group?

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you?

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played? (Btw there is a thread about siblings in general already: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231263.msg2056553.html#msg2056553)

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

[PurpleWolf]

Myself:

I tried to play with boys but they usually bullied me so I mostly just ended up playing with girls. I felt dysphoric and frustrated because the boys didn't wanna play with me, but I've always been very social so I played with the girls then. I only had two much older sisters so there were no boy toys or boy clothes in the house. My mom tried to make me the girliest girl possible and shamed me for wanting boy toys or stuff.

I was bullied since I was like 3-4. I didn't fit in either group really. I despised the girls for certain things they liked to do I had absolutely zero interest in (like barbies, or hairdresser play), but then I desperately tried to fit in with them. The best example of this would be that when we were 6, the boys used to collect hockey cards and the girls stickers. I had no interest in sports in general, let alone hockey, so I chose the stickers - though they didn't really interest me either . I made my mom buy me a sticker book then, and I consciously was aware that was just a desperate move to fit in with the 'other girls'. As for stickers though, I saw the coolest dinosaur stickers and wanted those xD. Well the first day I brought it with me, the girls bullied me. Another desperate attempt was to ask for a barbie . Just to fit in. Though I knew I had no interest in them and actually despised them. But thought that... maaaybe I could make myself like them?

When school started I wanted to walk home with two boys who lived nearby, and it went like this: When no one could see, they agreed to walk with me. When there were others in that corridor, they acted like they didn't know me and like I had asked the most outrageous thing imaginable! And outright bullied me. So that was definitely interesting...

I always had like one closer boy friend as a kid. And would invite him then to my bday party. I got furious when once my mom suggested I should invite another boy too so he wouldn't feel that 'alone' among just girls . I felt angry coz surely I was there! Plus I guessed they would've bullied me on my bday if I had invited more than one.

Later on, when I was around 12+ we hung out as a group that also consisted of boys. I always felt most at ease when interacting with boys. But all my friends were basically girls. The boys would never invite me over or come to visit me. 

I wasn't really allowed to be gender non-conforming in any way. And very strict gender norms were enforced on me at home and at school etc. I was a very depressed, zombie-like child who was constantly embarrassed by the way he was. I was an abnormal child by every standard, mostly bcos my mom kept scaring me to death and forbade me from doing anything normal children normally do. So I wasn't even the typical 'girl child' - I was an atypical child in every aspect! I mostly just had dolls and soft toys to play with, so I played with them then. And I had a huge imaginary world inside my head to cope with reality.

On the outside I was an atypically mellow and repressed child with perfect conduct. On the inside though, and with friends, I was more rowdy and had a dirty sense of humor and I dry humped my (girl) friend at 9..... Mostly I was scared of my own shadow though, bcos of my psycho mom, and had bunch of phobias and convinced I'd die at any second. And then I was ashamed of myself for not being 'normal' like the other children and unable to enjoy anything fun.

So I wasn't exactly a tomboy - but then felt embarrassed that I wasn't . It was jarring to not be allowed to be myself or express myself freely as a kid plus being emotionally (and physically) abused on top of that.

Despite all that at 13 I concluded I was a boy and stopped giving a flying fick for anything. I was deeply traumatized though and it only got worse in my teens when my family treated me like >-bleeped-<. Also after that realization started my social seclusion bcos then I totally didn't fit in with anyone! The boys bullied me or totally ignored me or were uncomfortable around me... and I did have zero in common with teenage girls, so...! In school I used to sit alone, in the middle, while the girls sat on the other side and boys on the other side of the classroom. I pretty much stopped having friends at this point. And would only hang out with my best friend, my future spouse.

If I could change one thing about my childhood, genderwise, it would surely be this:
I'd get to freely choose my toys and clothes. And receive that boy bicycle I wanted at 9. And that T-rex toy I wanted at 6 for xmas. And that action-man I so much wanted once, and... And all those radio-controlled cars and legos and car and train tracks and water guns I only saw in ads that made me numb and miserable..... Thanks mom, for making my childhood a small hell! And despite all your efforts I still identified as a boy at 13...! So it was all in vain. I've never felt that numb (figuratively) than on that xmas at 6 when I got that baby born instead of that dinosaur I had talked about for weeks. You kinda crushed my heart with that decision and made me realize I'd never get anything 'boyish'. So I dissociated myself from a part of myself that xmas. But numb zombies are easier to control, huh?! You beat my self-esteem out of me, robbed my identity and shamed me for my sense of self. And humiliated me with bows and lacy stuff. It was in everywhere - in my pillowcase, in my curtains, my clothes...

I was also a child of suppressed anger. My life might've seemed rather happy on the outside, but I wasn't a happy child, let me guarantee you.

[epvanbeveren]

1 = I played with girls until I was told to no longer do that at probably 7 or 8 years of age.
2 = I eventually knew I did not fit in, but not at what age, teenager yes.
3 = Slightly bullied for behaving in a feminine way, but didn't thought I was that way because it felt normal to me.
4 = After a while I did feel uncomfortable being around guys and girls.
5 = I played with both boy and girl toys, however I loved Barbie's. I wasn't allowed to have Barbie's so I had Lone Ranger and GI Joe dolls. Then I asked mom a Barbie because my boys dolls needed a girlfriend. That excuse didn't work.
6 = I was a loner.
7 = I was quiet.
8 = I wasn't thinking about gender dysphoria per se, as I didn't know anything about transgender issues. I was however very scared of my male part, thinking it will come off and somehow disappear. (It did but not until 10 months ago. )

[SallyChoasAura]

I was bullied as a child for many reasons... I was mostly friends with boys and was a tomboy. I didn't really feel like a girl all the time and preferred to wear boy clothes. I was bubbly when I was really little but when I hit 1st grade I started being bullied more and more causing me to become shy and sad.

[Julia1996]

A thread I always wanted to make:
Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?

General ideas:

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?

Were you accepted in either group?

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you?

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played? (Btw there is a thread about siblings in general already: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231263.msg2056553.html#msg2056553)

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

I played with girls mostly. There were a couple of boys I played with but after the age of 7-8 they started playing typical boy play and I lost interest in playing with them. As I got older my relationship with some boys got a little strange. When I was in Jr high and high school I started playing with boys sexually. At school I totally ceased to exist to those guys. They didn't bully me or anything they totally ignored me. My feelings never got hurt by that though. I was far more interested in playing with them sexually than having them as friends. That sounds so slutty I know. I will admit I was a little hoe. You might be asking how kids that young would even do that. Teenage boys are hyper horny. If there is a possibility of them getting oral sex and the person giving it to them looks pretty much like a girl they are very willing. Though when I was 14 my dad caught me giving a boy oral which was a little awkward to say the least.

I was bullied a lot. When I was very young other kids teased me because I'm albino. When I was older I got bullied for being so feminine. And in Jr high and high school I was teased for both.

When I was young I was accepted by girls but after about age 10-11 girls didn't really accept me. Boys never accepted me. They couldn't understand me and my behavior was alien to them as theirs was to me.

I was uncomfortable with boys. Their style of play and their attitudes were alien to me and they would always quickly realize that and bully me.

I totally didn't fit in with boys and I didn't try to. I never had any desire to try and fit in with boys.

I was very feminine and so was my play style.

Yes I was pretty isolated after about age 12. I didn't have any friends and the fact I couldn't really go outside increased my isolation. My dad wouldn't let me spend more than 20 minutes outside during the day. He was afraid I would get a sunburn which would lead to skin cancer. I always wore sunscreen and long sleeves and a hat when I did go outside but some UV still gets through sunscreen and clothes and my skin has absolutely no protection of it's own. I would have been very lonely but my brother always did things with me and he always tried to include me in anything he did indoors.

As a child I was both quiet and sensitive.

I expressed my dysphoria by always playing the female role when I played with other kids.

Yes I was allowed to express myself. My dad never tried to force male behavior on me. He would sometimes suggest things but after I ignored his suggestions he never tried to push it. My mom would try to push male behavior on me but my dad wouldn't let her do that very much. He would tell her to leave me alone. That actually caused a lot of friction between them.

Yes I did grow up gender neutrally. My dad let me wear gender neutral clothes in whatever colors I wanted and he let me have shoulder length hair. He or my brother never tried to force masculinity on me.

No, having an older brother didn't really effect the toys I played with. I never wanted to play with any of his stuff. When I did get a boy gift from someone I gave it to my brother. If it was something he didn't want I threw it in the trash. After my dad caught me doing that and yelling at me for it I would give any unwanted boy gifts to him. I don't know what he did with them. Gave them to some police program for needy kids I would imagine.

What would I change about my childhood?  I would choose to have been born a girl of course.

[KathyLauren]

Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?
I suppose I could say boys, because I had two brothers, but the honest answer is that I didn't play much.  I had no playmates outside of the family.  As a young kid (< 5), I wasn't allowed off the block, and there were no kids my age on our block.  From 5-10, we lived in a 4th floor walk-up apartment.  I wasn't allowed down to ground level except to go to school, and there were no other kids in the building. 

I don't remember doing much at school recess except to hang out with the other uncool kids.  Though the school was co-ed, recess was segregated, so there was no opportunity to play with girls.  And only this moment, as I type this, am I aware of the significance of that!  Another of those 20/20 hindsight clues.

Reading that now, it sounds tragic.  I don't remember it being all that bad.  I was just aware that I didn't fit in.

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?
I was bullied in general for no particular reason, it seemed.  In hindsight, probably I was perceived as different.

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?
Hell, yeah!

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?
I don't remember ever feeling comfortable, except with the other uncool boys.

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?
I tried my best to keep a low profile.  The only playground game I remember was "Japs and Americans", presumably some kind of WWII reenactment.  Since I had no knowledge of Pacific theatre history, it was a mystery to me, so I didn't participate.  I'd sometimes sabotage the game by turning up the brim of my cap (the "uniform" of those playing Japanese soldiers) and then refusing to "die" when someone "shot" me. 

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?
I hung out with a couple of nerdy boys.  We didn't do much playing.  Just talking.  I don't think I preferred it, but it was all a misfit kid could do.  I do think now that I am probably on the autism spectrum.

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?
Everyone always said I was "quiet", and I was.  I would add sensitive, but I learned the hard way never to let on.

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?
I was totally repressed and shut-down.  I was only aware of wanting to be a girl in my most private daydreams.

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?
Absolutely not!!  It would have been unthinkable.  We are talking late 50s, early 60s.

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?
Everything.

[LexieDragon]

Honestly. I played with both, more so towards the girls when younger. But when I got older the girls didn't want to play anymore so I had to find male friends. This was honestly very difficult. At any given time I would typically only have one or two actual close males friends.

Fortunately, during later high school years, I was able to start having close non romantic female friends as well. So I found a slight balance that would last through college.

I was in Boy Scouts and marching band and excelled at both. I honestly liked being in scouts but I often felt out of place.




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[LexieDragon]

Sorry. Submitted before finishing.

I was allowed to play with pretty much what every I wanted and had a very large my little pony collection. Mind you this was in the 80s. However I also had a lot of transformers and the like. But now, thinking back, I realize that I really just liked the engineering of the transformers. I didn't play transformers in the way that the show went. There were no autobot/deception battles in my house.





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[MeTony]

I was a tomboy with large BOY letters. I played with boys. Girls thought I was scary for some reason.

I have ADHD and Tourette's syndrome. That made me quite wild as a child. I had a tornado in me. I climbed everywhere and was out playing soccer, running, jumping, playing Karate Kid and Rambo in the forest. Riding my bike, doing not so good stuff, like breaking into the sewer for adventure among rats as big as cats.

In grade school, until 12 years of age, girls and boys were separated in sports class. I was counted as one of the boys at all lessons. I had a great teacher.

I was one of the boys until 7'th grade. 13 years old. My chest grew out. Never bullied, but I became an outcast. Did not belong anywhere. Became a loner. I had a few friends in several different gangs but it was accepted that I floated in between for some reason.

I was once "executed" in school by a boy with a gun. He put the gun in my face and held it there for about a minute and then pulled the trigger. In was empty. I did not even blink or twitch an eye. I just thought, thank you, end this misery. But that did not happen. He said I had his respect now, I was not afraid of anything. Stupid game.

Toys I played with...action figures from Star Wars, Spiderman and Hee-man. Cars. Lots of cars, lego and I disambled every electronic toy or gadget I got and put it back together. They still worked! I read comic books. I hated reading books, due to my ADHD. I can't concentrate.


I was pretty much allowed to be myself. But every time someone stepped on me and my right to be myself I exploded in rage. I never accepted anyone to bully me or tease me. They got beaten up by me. Noone steps on me. Not even my dad. He beat me until I hit him back at age 14. Then he never laid a hand on me again.

Something I'd change... I wish I had known what transgender is much much earlier.




Tony

[meatwagon]

A thread I always wanted to make:
Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?

both, though because of interference from my family, i was never able to be as close with my male friends.

General ideas:

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?

i was bullied, just in general, off and on throughout my childhood.  i assume for being "weird", not that i was really any stranger than any other kid my age, but the less friends you have, the more you stand out.  i don't recall gender-related things ever being a part of it, though.

Were you accepted in either group?

until around 5th grade, gender was never seen as an issue for me or my friends and i was almost always in mixed groups.

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?

it didn't really become an issue until later, around 5th grade again, that i started feeling like an outcast.

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?

i was either comfortable with everyone or not comfortable with anyone through most of my childhood, just depending on how i was treated. 

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?

i never cared about things like baby dolls and playing house, but i wasn't allowed to engage in rough play, so i mostly settled for pretend games and making stories with toy animals.

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?

if i was isolated, it wasn't by choice unless i was avoiding the types of people who had picked on me.  my interests included "solo" things like art/drawing, so that contributed to me being alone a lot of the time, but i've never actually been an introvert.

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?

all of the above.  it just depended on my mood, my company, and what i was doing at the time.

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?

mostly it just came in the form of all my pretend characters being male.  i did what i wanted for the most part, since the other kids didn't care about whether something was for "boys" or "girls" and neither did i.  it was only when adults said i couldn't do certain things that i would feel bad, but i was taught never to question authority so i'd always just let it go and do something else that i could enjoy.

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?

my family didn't allow anything gender non-conforming, except for my grandfather (whose opinions didn't count for much in the household) and my father (who i only saw on occasional weekends or less).  teachers didn't have much to say and neither did other children.

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you?

at home, it was enforced very firmly but subtly up until i moved in with my mom and stepdad, after which it was enforced more loudly and harshly. 

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played? (Btw there is a thread about siblings in general already: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231263.msg2056553.html#msg2056553)

i didn't have any siblings (at least none that lived with me, until my sister was born when i was 12), so i only had access to "boys' toys" when i was out playing with friends or other relatives.  i always wondered why, but never questioned it out loud. 

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

does "my family" count as just one thing?  the fact that i never stood up to them/stood up for myself to almost anyone throughout my life because it was beaten into my head that i mustn't.  i don't actually think things would have been better for me if i had, maybe they'd have even been worse, but at least i'd feel better about myself for it.

[Sephirah]

Hoo boy, that's a lot to think about right there. But I'll give it a go.

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?

Yes, but not for either of those things. I was bullied because I was an easy target. Because I came from a family who had nothing. Who people chose to look down on for having nothing. I lived with my mum, and after my dad left because he found someone he preferred over his wife and kids... we struggled. A lot. Sometimes we couldn't afford the cool things that were in fashion for all the cool kids. And because of that... people thought it was awesome to make an issue out of that. Because that's what kids do, I guess.

Also because I didn't fight back. I was the soft spoken, quiet kid at the back of the room. I didn't have it in me to be aggressive. I still don't. It isn't who I am. And people took advantage. Insecure people always take their insecurity out on people they perceive to be weaker than they are. And I was one of those people. I never fought back. I never said anything. Until one time. And as a result I was isolated for two years. But that is what it is.

Were you accepted in either group?

No, not really. And at the time I didn't really want to be. I just wanted to be alone. See... a good 60-70% of the hassle I got when I was a kid, was by the girls I knew. Girls in my class, and in wider life. I learned something back then. Boys are very up front most of the time. If they hate you, they just go out of their way to punch your teeth in. It's all about a show of force. A show of them being the "alpha male". Girls are different. Girls are psychological. They use words, and emotion to hurt you. The more subtle art of making you feel like crap. Although there were a couple of girls when I was a kid who used the whole physical angle, too. Because they could. Because I never believed in two wrongs making a right. But as a whole... yeah, that's how it was.

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?

Yes. Permanently. But mostly because I didn't want to fit in. I didn't want to be the kind of person who could do to someone else what people had done to me. I didn't feel it was worth sacrificing my integrity to be someone like that. My childhood was basically full of the belief that other people were horrible, and nasty. And I did not want to be like that.

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?

Both. Mostly because of the reasons outlined above.

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?

Neither. I mostly lost myself in books. I had hundreds of them, from my grandmother. And would spend hours and hours lost in worlds which weren't the one I lived in.

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?

I guess both. Although towards the end of my childhood it was something forced on me because I dared to speak out about the issues I was dealing with. Rather than something I chose. But the result was the same. I learned to watch people. To see how they work. I've been a loner most of my life. I have a lot of trust issues, and letting people get close.

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?

The last two. Always the last two. That would probably be the two words to describe my whole life. My brothers were the boisterous, loudmouth, annoying ones. I was the one in my room with my nose in a book, lol.

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?

It didn't. Not really. I shut myself off from everything to the point I didn't allow myself to feel. Looking back I'm sure I could pinpoint a hundred different times I could say "Yeah, this is how." But at the time it didn't feel that way. I was very guarded as a kid. Very scared of being hurt.

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you?

Was I allowed? That's kinda hard to answer. I grew up with my mum. And she basically acted like a mum and a dad. She was the most amazing person in the world. And because of that, she never really held with the notion of "Women should do this and men should do that." Because she did what she needed to do to keep her kids fed and gave them whatever she could. She did the job of both parents.

But. Having two brothers and a limited income. And me being the oldest of them. No... I wasn't really ever in a position to do anything that wouldn't benefit them. There were no toys, games... anything really feminine in the house. Which is why mostly I just retreated to my books. I was never discouraged. Just never in a position to really do anything about it.

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played?

See above

If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

I don't think I would. It's part of who I am. Everything I've been through has gone towards the kind of person I am now. It would be so easy to try and make something better. Or different. But then it wouldn't be mine. I believe in changing the future. The past kind of defines us. Shapes who we are.

[Lady Sarah]

Before school started for me, I played with the girls in the neighborhood. Starting kindergarten back in 1970 was a disappointment. As soon as I tried to play with the girls, I got scolded by the teacher. So, I refused to play at all.
Bullies were a constant nitemare. I got beat up every single day. I became reclusive and antosocial, and stayed that way until I broke out of my shell during transition. Back then, all I could pray for was either being female, or being the only person alive.
Prior to transitioning, the only thing I could get away with was growing out my nails. When it came to dealing with bullies, at least I could kick and claw. Some of the girls probably learned to fight from watching me try to defend myself.
No adults were on my side. None of the teachers, or my adoptive parents could care less about me getting beaten up. As a matter of fact, my adoptive mother took advantage of my bruises by adding a few more here and there, taking her frustrations out on me. Why not? I was the whipping post for anyone with any grievance about anything. The constant beatings never stopped until I had my growth spurt at the age of 14, and then I was kicked out of the house.

[Kylo]

I had both male and female friends as a kid. In nursery, there were a couple of female friends I used to hang with which continued all the way up through junior school, and one of them up through high school. Outside of school I was friends with a girl from across the street who spent a lot of time at my place and a boy from two doors away who also did. At 16 I attended a boys-only school in the sixth form that had allowed a limited number of girls to attend the sixth, and my group of friends there comprised about two girls and nine lads. From that point on, and into my university years, I would have a roughly even split of male friends and acquaintances, maybe slightly more male friends, but I roomed most of the time with my male friends, or male co-workers. 

Wouldn't have said I was bullied in school much at all. Which is interesting because I went to a notorious inner city state high school well-known for producing delinquents. I had more issues feuding with local kids near my house, and not for any reason other than that I challenged their leader.

I didn't have much to say to any kid that wasn't one of my close friends, and the rest of them accepted that arrangement very quickly. Definitely I was an outsider in any class that did not contain one of my close friends. It was a strange situation really - to have a tutor group that basically blanked me, unless I happened to be with one of my friends.

Did I fit in as a kid? Not at all. Was it uncomfortable? Yes and no. One gets comfortable with discomfort in the end, as a kid.

I played with anything I wanted to. But interestingly my favorite toys were cardboard boxes, plasticine, lego and such. Toys that are not only neutral but have more than one function and you can do lots of things with. Toys that were specific with a single use were the most boring to me. Such as dolls, and soldier type toys. I found those boring. Anything I could actually role play with myself however, I found very interesting. Toy swords, toy guns, masks, capes, face paint, etc.

I was referred to as a tomboy by others, yes.

I didn't isolate myself from other children as such, but as a rule I had a small number of trusted friends. I didn't make friends easily, or want to make "lots" of them, but I was capable of it. But I had them, and spent a lot of time around them outside of school. But I also spent a lot of time alone too. I liked time with my friends but time by myself was something I needed more. I would probably describe myself as a loner at heart, but with a requirement for socialization every so often.

How would I describe myself as a child...? Quiet on the outside, utter chaos and destruction on the inside, and somewhere in the middle when with my friends.

I guess dysphoria registered when playing with other kids as a rejection of typical roles. We did a lot of things your average teenaged boy would do, and that just came rather naturally. Since most of my friends came to play at my place and I had a very large house/garden compared to them, it was usually my games and ideas we played with. If anyone wanted to stay over the arrangement was usually that they stayed over at my place. This was because of my friends, my parents were the most lax and theirs had strict rules and nicer houses. We wouldn't have been able to have as much fun at theirs. Often that "fun" was actually mischief. I don't think I repressed anything except when some of the kids asked me to date them. I had probably as much interest in sex as your average boy, but obviously this condition suppresses a person's desire to want to be someone's "girlfriend", so I could never bother with any of that. I never had or wanted a childhood girlfriend or boyfriend in that respect. I was quite allergic to the prospect.

My parents never cared much about what gender I might have been expressing and didn't mind that I had a liking for robots and technical toys. My grandmother was different, but my grandfather knew I liked reading comics and playing chess and making things, and I don't know what she thought of all of that (probably disappointment that I didn't really enjoy being a human mannequin for new dresses). My uncles were professional game programmers so I spent quite a bit of time around them playing early 80s computer games. No, I don't think gender was enforced on me. It was almost never commented on. (My grandmother was an exception, she tried to prevent me learning to whistle).

My siblings didn't really influence toy choice - in fact I influenced theirs since they often played with my stuff. 

[LizK]

My very first friend was a girl and to this day I don't understand what happened to her. We were good friends (as "good" a friend as 5 years olds can be LOL) and suddenly it seemed that one day she was gone. I had vague recollections of playing with her and getting into some kind of trouble with her. My Mum was really vague and seemed disintersted when I tried to ask her about it, maybe she just forgot, but she said she didn't remember.

As a kid growing up I was constantly getting in trouble from adults for "being with the girls" which everyone thought was just "typical boy stuff" of "chasing the girls" to which, as you can imagine, I got a great amount of positive reinforcement about. They had no idea that what I really wanted from them was to be part of their group, to be one of them, to secrectly be like them so it worked out pretty good for short period of time until someone realised that my interest was not as they expected it should be... But then like all good catholic boys I was segregated from the girls at age 10 and didn't get to socialise with them for the next 5 years with the exception of the yearly dances.

After leaving school I applied to and was accepted for nursing school and ended up with 90% of my friends being women.

Liz

[Danielle Kristina]

I mostly played with boys, but I played with a few girls too.  I didn't mind playing with the girls.  I actually enjoyed playing "House" and other girlie games, not that I did that often.  Now I know why I liked it.

[MaryT]

A thread I always wanted to make:
Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?

General ideas:

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?

Were you accepted in either group?

At first, I liked playing with girls.  The girls didn't mind but teachers sometimes did.  In my 3rd year of primary school, the whole of the school started jeering at me during breaks because I played with girls.  Even the girls I had played with joined in.  I hid during the breaks and by Thursdays, I was too ill to go to school.  I went back on Fridays.  My teacher noticed the pattern and asked my mother what I did on Thursdays.  By the time she went shopping, I was ususally well enough to go with her.  I think that my mother was sympathetic regarding the stresses of school, as she admitted that she had not gone for long periods herself, and truant officers sometimes interviewed her mother.  However, I never told my mother what what was making me ill.

At my next primary school, I puzzled teachers by refusing to even sit next to a girl.  It seemed to work, as I wasn't bullied anywhere nearly as much.  However, the real reason was probably that at that school, there were few boys in my age group and they were manly (with one exception apart from me) but nice.  Although I didn't hang out with girls, one of the boys was like me and we secretly wore female clothes when we could.

In high school, of course, nobody played as such during breaks but I tried to avoid bullying by emulating the behaviour of boys.  I was beaten up and caned a lot, though.  I didn't deliberately act feminine but some boys called me "Homo".  I was just an easy target.  I was small and bespectacled and although I tried to act tough, I'm sure that they sensed my fear.  There were a few rather intellectual boys I hung out with but they never invited me anywhere.  I talked to a few of the girls (and sometimes sat next to them) but although I joined in the male banter about girls, I never asked one out.

Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?

Absolutely.

Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?

Until the jeering in primary school, I was most comfortable with girls.  In high school, I was afraid of most boys because I was beaten up so much but I still hung out with a few boys, as I was trying to avoid bullying by emulating male behaviour.  I don't think that the boys I hung out with were all that comfortable with me.  They hung out with each other after school but I wasn't invited.  I didn't mind, although I liked them.  A couple of the girls quite liked me.  One attractive but troubled girl, who used to confide in me, asked me to marry her.  I was taken by surprise and blurted out "No!"  She never spoke to me again.  I wish I had been kinder, God bless her.

Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?

When I played with girls, I played their games and I didn't like the rough games of boys.  My parents never gave me girls' toys.  My parents sometimes caught me in my mother's clothes or naked except for her headscarf (I didn't know about female bodies till I was eight, so it was my clothes, hair and name that I was dysphoric about), so my parents made a point of getting me male toys.  I could have as many toy soldiers as I liked but no dolls.  As I mentioned, I did secretly dress up with another boy at one stage.

Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?

As I mentioned, in my third year of primary school, because of the constant jeering and occasional punches, I hid during breaks.  At my next primary school, I didn't isolate myself from other children, although I didn't sit next to girls.  I didn't isolate myself in high school but after school, after the stress and fear of violence from both boys and teachers, I preferred to relax by myself at home.   I have done the same ever since.

How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?

I was pretty quiet and sensitive.  I cried a lot, although usually in private.

How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?

Dressing up with that one boy, and my early preference for playing with girls and desire to look and act like them, would probably be recognised as dysphoric nowadays.  I wasn't angry, just afraid and very unhappy.

Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...?

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you?

In all but one year of my primary and secondary education, I wore male school uniforms and my hair was always short.  My mother wanted me to act like my brother and told me so often.  As I mentioned, there was one boy who accepted my feminine nature and I accepted his.  I think that "he" was also trans so perhaps I should say "hers" but it would get so complicated and my post is long enough already.

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played? (Btw there is a thread about siblings in general already: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231263.msg2056553.html#msg2056553)

To an extent, my brother and I shared toys, which is to say he used to break mine.  He sometimes bit my toy soldiers to make them look more "realistic".  He was a few years older and his taste in toys more mature.  I was physically inept so I never mastered some of the toys that he and other boys played with, such as whipping tops.  I was afraid of my brother, with good reason.

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

I just wish I had been born a girl.

[Kylo]

If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be?

Honestly not that much. I had quite a "tough love" intellectual upbringing that served me quite well - I never really worry about my ability to survive, and I'm not a fearful person and I think that's down to nothing being sugar-coated when I was younger. Everything being a matter of "if you have a problem, use our brain and resources to find the answer - nobody's going to do it for you".

If I could change something I'd have had my mother sort out her psychological issues. The effect of her on the rest of the family was significant - I'm sure if she'd been in a better place psychologically, we wouldn't have been subject to her constant depression and acting out while drunk. I have a feeling I might have avoided some of my worse behaviors had she been a little more "present".

[DawnOday]

Mary T. So many of your descriptions could be documenting my experience. I loved playing with the girls. Jack's, Jump rope, hop scotch. It was great. At eight I signed up for little league and began playing baseball. It was the only sport I was ever good at but I quit at fourteen. Aside from my wives, most of my friends are female. I love talking about family, beauty tips, clothing etc. I am not much of an enthusiast in sports, cars or sexual conquests. So making friends with guys has alway been something I can't do very well.

[Sonja]

Mary T. So many of your descriptions could be documenting my experience. I loved playing with the girls. Jack's, Jump rope, hop scotch. It was great. At eight I signed up for little league and began playing baseball. It was the only sport I was ever good at but I quit at fourteen. Aside from my wives, most of my friends are female. I love talking about family, beauty tips, clothing etc. I am not much of an enthusiast in sports, cars or sexual conquests. So making friends with guys has alway been something I can't do very well.

@DawnOday -  Love your new avatar pic Dawn!

Sonja.

[V M]

A thread I always wanted to make:
Did you play with girls or boys as a kid? Or with both? Or mostly with girls/boys?
Both
General ideas:

Were you bullied as a kid? In general? For your gender expression? For the way you played?
Yes
Were you accepted in either group?
Sometimes
Did you feel you didn't fit in as a kid?
Most of the time
Were you uncomfortable in either group? Or in both? In which ways?
I was usually most comfortable with my small circles of friends
Did you play 'typical' games or with 'typical' toys for either gender? Were you a tomboy? Or a total 'femboy'  ?
I was somewhat hyperactive - I'd be kinda shy at first and play fairly normal but then I'd shift gears and do weird, crazy stuff
Did you socially isolate from other children? Were you a loner? If so, why did you prefer it this way? Are you an introvert by character or was this just bcos of social seclusion...?
I was a loner to some degree
How would you describe yourself as a child? Boisterous? Rowdy? Quiet? Sensitive?
I was Quiet and Sensitive most of the time but then I'd become Rowdy and Boisterous as the moments progressed 
How did your dysphoria show through play and interaction with other children? Did you want to emulate certain behavior? Or repress something? Were you angry? Or just shut-down?
I hadn't really thought about it and didn't realize until going to school that apparently most of the other children viewed me to be feminine, sometimes I'd get angry and other times I'd just shut-down
Were you allowed to express gender non-conforming behavior as a child? By your parents and relatives? Teachers? Other children or adults...? No, not really

Or did you grow up sort of gender neutrally? Was gender not really inforced on you? I was definitely expected to be a boy

Did having siblings play a part in the types of toys you had access to or the games you played? Not really  (Btw there is a thread about siblings in general already:https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231263.msg2056553.html#msg2056553)

And an extra question I'd like for you to answer:
If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would that be? My childhood sucked, I would probably change pretty well everything