.I'm afab, and bigender (at least, I'm pretty sure). Half the time I love my body (minus the extra weight), and the other half of the time I completely hate it and am very discomforted by it.
When I am female, I love doing my hair, makeup and wearing dresses. I love my pronouns and name.
When I am Male I hate my body and face. Feel very detached from it. Pronouns dont bother me much outside of my home, though on Male days I love when my husband uses my Male name and pronouns. But it doesnt bother me much if not used when out.
I'm exploring my identity and now that I've accepted my Male self, I feel happy, exhilarated, and downright terrified.
My issue is that I dont know if I should come out. My husband is aware of my exploring and seems to be supportive. I'm an adult with my own family. My husbands family are very catholic and not understanding whatsoever to the lgbt community. My family is very conservative religious people. Again, not convenient for a gender non conforming person. Additionally, I have kids that I dont want to confuse or scare. I dont want them bullied for me being who I am. And honestly, even when I am a guy, I love being mommy. I never want that to change.For now I am good being my Male self inside my home mostly when the kids are asleep or not home. I do wear my husbands clothes alot both inside the home and out in public and this doesnt bother them as I've always done this. I have binded my chest and recently packed in front of them, but they didnt seem to notice, as I guess in some way I've always tried flattening my chest. And truthfully, they just weren't looking at my lower area and asking about it. Currently, I am not comfortable wearing my beard and using my Male name and pronouns around my kids family or friends. But the urge to go out in public as my Male self is strong. When I'm Male, I have to have a beard. It's the only way I feel remotely close to who I am. I spend a lot of tedious time applying a fake beard to wear around my house a few hours a day while my kids are at school. I havent been able to do this as its summer, and I'm feeling lost lately. The feeling of needing to have my beard is becoming almost unbearable at times.
My questions....Should I just come out and deal with all the hate, questions, confusion and problems? Should I just be my Male self at home? Should I try going somewhere away from home to be Male in public? What was it like your first time going out???Also, my hair is straight and halfway down my back. if I choose not to come out but cut my hair short (shaved pixie), will this out me regardless??? Should i cut my hair? I keep going back and forth. I feel like I really want to and then my anxiety and fear creeps back In. If i cant even cut my hair how am i going to get through the biggest stuff??? Should I start by slowly wearing more mens clothes (meaning i start buying my own vs. Wearing my husbands) until I'm comfortable wearing them out and people dont even notice??? People dont notice now as I frequently go out in his tshirts and basketball shorts. But I want to get my own mens Jean's, flannels, boots, button ups. But I'm afraid cutting my hair and beginning to wear my own clothes mens clothes will completely out me if I dont come out.I'm sorry for the long post. My thoughts are currently jumbled.
