mission impossible: "make friends"

[meatwagon]

that's what my counselor keeps telling me to do, but it's much easier said than done.  my network of "support" right now consists of my current partner/best friend (who lives an hour away, so we see each other maybe twice a year), my other friend/ex (who lives in another state), and one online friend that i talk to every few weeks or so.  most of my human interaction outside of work takes place on the internet because that's all i have.  and even that small group of people isn't really able to give that much support.  they all have their own problems, aren't super talkative, and/or just don't know what to say.  they either have no means or are too busy with their own issues to help me with mine.  they can listen, maybe relate to some things, and send me funny pictures and videos to make me temporarily feel better.  but we can't just get together and hang out.  we can't spend real time together, doing real things.  so the loneliness just keeps getting worse and worse, my life feeling more and more empty, and i don't see anything changing any time soon.

so if i want to have any kind of life outside of my crappy job and this crappy little room, i need new friends.  friends i can actually see and do things with.  but i have no way, at least from what i can see, of actually meeting anyone like that.  i don't have friends at work, nor is that ever going to change.  the closest people i had to friends at my job quit or got fired long ago, and we weren't close enough to actually keep in touch.  between this whole "trans" thing and the other problems i have, and the fact that i've had such a ->-bleeped-<- life so far that i don't even have normal experiences to share and relate with like most people do.. i have nothing to offer anyone.  i can't get close to anyone, i don't have anything in common with anyone, and i have no means of interacting with new people outside of chatrooms and forums.  going out by myself is awkward and uncomfortable as it is, and i would feel ridiculous just butting into the conversations of random strangers or sitting next to someone i don't even know in a coffee shop.  that's silly.  so how exactly am i supposed to "make new friends"?  i don't want to go to a support group, nor would i have time for it anyway, because of my work schedule.  aside from that, there's really nothing to do around here that isn't pretty much designed for people who already have friends.

i don't know what to do.  i hate being by myself all the time, but that really feels like my only option. 

[KathyLauren]

Get involved with stuff you enjoy doing for its own sake.  Do you like to hike, swim, go boating, take photographs, race cars, knit sweaters, anything?  There are groups for every hobby and activity you can imagine.  Pick something you like doing, and join up.  Worst case, you get to do something you like doing.  Best case, you meet cool people that you have something in common with.

[Kylo]

Yeah I would say join a group doing activities you like, or sign up for a night class in something and meet people there. No guarantee you'll make friends but you definitely won't staying at home doing nothing.

Since you don't have anything to offer at the moment, you need to be doing something with an object or purpose - let's say for the sake of argument you join a caving club like I did in my early university days. Nothing is required of you other than to pay your membership, turn up and have fun and interesting experiences with other people. The shared experience is the bond that that begins potential friendships, not what you might bring per se. This goes for people generally, but especially for men. Men aren't friends with each other just because they're men, typically - they become friends due to shared experiences, situations and interests.

[Jin]

Get out in the world. Join a group or club, take a class at a Community College or University, dance studio, or a Parks and Rec organization. Go to church. Hang out at a coffee house. By groceries and talk to other shoppers.
Don't try to only connect with other gender related groups, cast a wide net. Just be you from the start.

[DustKitten]

Making friends is difficult these days, either online or locally, but look at it this way--if you can make just one good friend a month, in a year you'll have twelve new friends! The important thing is the quality of the friends that you do have, not how many you have, so when you do find a friend, make sure you set aside some time for them, try to be interested in their hobbies/lives, and hopefully they'll end up being a good friend for you in return.

Definitely try to get out more, too. Go someplace you like, even if it's just a library or something. Pursuing your interests outside of home is one of the best ways to meet like-minded individuals. Even if you don't meet anyone new, at least you'll be changing your routine a little, and that might help with feeling better.

[CAB78]

I've found this hard while transitioning, but it's really important and I think the standard approaches for making new friends apply. Acquaintances can also be a good distraction if not a shoulder to cry on.

Join clubs and groups and the friendships will hopefully take shape over time, it's not guaranteed and requires effort but you can do it. Just keep trying, it will take time but put yourself out there as you've got nothing to lose.  If you don't currently have any interests pick some stuff you think will be social and might be fun or interesting and commit to doing it for several months, it will get easier. Aim for interests that will make you the person you want to be, you might need to experiment a lot to work out exactly what that means to you. 

I've found that things that require working with others great for making new friends.

[meatwagon]

i appreciate all of your replies

as far as joining a group or club, aside from not having the time or money for most things, i realized i'm not sure i'm ready for something like that.  my limited experience with groups, classes, etc over the course of my life has all ended up the same way: with me feeling very much alone, awkwardly out of place, self-conscious, and not making a single friend.  even if i enjoyed whatever the group was about, it never extended beyond that.  and this was all before starting transition, before the whole idea of being trans ever came to light.  now that i'm in the middle of that, it feels even worse.  now i have to add worrying about "passing" or people finding out.  i have less confidence nowadays than i've probably ever had in my life, and i never had any to begin with.  i wasn't even allowed to.

so the thought of joining a group full of strangers, where all eyes could be on me expecting something and putting me under pressure, is stressful.  especially if i'm going to have to pay money (of which i have almost none) and take time (of which i also don't have enough) to do it.  so now i have the pressure of not wasting those things on a bad experience. 

it might sound like "social anxiety", but it's not really the same.  i love interaction with people.  but if past experience of being part of any kind of team or class has taught me anything, it's that i don't belong in groups.  i'll always be the odd one out, the one nobody wants on their team, etc.  you're either alone anyway, or there's this pressure to bring something worthwhile to the group.  i don't have anything worthwhile to bring, so i'm going to be alone.

that's what it feels like from where i'm sitting, anyway, and what my experience has shown me from childhood up to my present job.  making friends has never been my strong point because i don't fit in anywhere, even when i'm doing something i like.  it's the rest of me that's the problem.  once people get a glimpse of that, they go running.

i think the only way for me to make friends is by having the opportunity to talk one on one with someone, without any pressure, and bond over personality and interests.  but i don't see any way, outside of online forums--which leave my options for real-life interaction pretty limited--for that to realistically happen. 

[Tommi]

Without echoing every one else's good advice... Sounds like you had this same issue before,transition, so it isn't a transition issue, but it,is exacerbating the situation, correct?

If you had time, what sorts of things would you want to get out and do?

What *is* your availability, and is there any budget for fun?

Where-ish are you, geographically?

Are you on the autism-spectrum, that you know of? (Different social skills may need to be learned, recognized)





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[Rachel]

I volunteer, I will be doing such Thursday-Saturday. There will be social events at night and eventually there will be an event for the volunteers. I know a few people from group but there will be thousands of trans at the event.

I have gone to Meet UP events with a lot of trans there and was recently invited to a bar-b-Q.

Most trans are very much in or have been in your position. I am pretty much right now. I am working on getting out and doing things I enjoy. It is difficult and it required a plan to get out and do something.

[meatwagon]

Without echoing every one else's good advice... Sounds like you had this same issue before,transition, so it isn't a transition issue, but it,is exacerbating the situation, correct?

If you had time, what sorts of things would you want to get out and do?

What *is* your availability, and is there any budget for fun?

Where-ish are you, geographically?

Are you on the autism-spectrum, that you know of? (Different social skills may need to be learned, recognized)





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(sorry cant properly break up quotes on mobile)
I have had this problem for much of my life for a number of reasons, ranging from an unstable home life and abusive family to crippling dysphoria that was never addressed until fairly recently.  being mid transition now makes it worse, yes.

I don't know exactly what I would like to do.  if I had friends who were able and willing to go out, I could enjoy just about anything.  I'm not hard to please and my interests are all over the place.

my only days off right now are Wednesday and Sunday, and I work second shift, so I'm usually up some time after one and go to bed in the early hours of the morning.  as far as money goes, I don't even make enough to live on my own right now.  I'm waiting for a family friend to finish getting a house they own fixed up so I can rent it with a friend as a roommate.  if not for that, I'd be on the wait list for income based apartments.. so my budget for fun things is pretty low.

I live in nc, in the city but not actually close enough to anything for it to be convenient.  we are about a 20 minute drive from uptown, not too far but not something I could do every day given the cost of gas and the collective driving time...

and no, I don't have autism or anything of the sort. 

Rachel, that sounds nice.  I had looked into volunteering some, but have not found anything that would work with my schedule. 

[Northern Star Girl]

Dear @meatwagon:   
There is a lot of very good advice and good suggestions here from members that have responded to your post and questions.  Please read over you entire thread, re-read all of the replies and with an open and positive mind try to apply what has been offered to you.   What you described as some of the possible roadblocks to you making new friends, most of us here have encountered many of the very same things in our life as well. 
In my opinion making new freinds has more to do with the attitude that we display to others.  If we are downtrodden, down on ourselves, being negative about life and what is going on...... people do not find that kind of thing particularly attractive and may not be drawn to us.  Not very many people want to be around negative people.

On the other hand if we can be friendly and outgoing, carry ourselves with self-confidence and self-assurance... have a big smile on our faces... and have a positive outlook on life... all of those things will draw people to us like a magnet.

****THIS IS IMPORTANT: Even if things are not going our way, we can still make an effort to display positivity that others will observe.

There is a little saying on my profile that sums this up, as follows"
      "If you want friends, be friendly, be the first to smile and introduce yourself."

Also, my good friend and member here @Jessica has a similar and good thought on her profile as well:
        "If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

So, Meatwagon, I will be looking for your updates and your progress regarding making friends.  Please feel free to post here again with your successes and with any and all questions and comments that you may have.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Jessica]

@meatwagon

Self confidence is something one learns through experience and we are ever defining it daily.
Yes there are many excellent ideas given, but how do you make the first step?  Can you find not the time but the will.  Time can be found to do things that you really care about can't it?  Your life is not only important to yourself, but everyone here who have offered support.
So try stepping out one evening and take a walk, meet a neighbor, or just say hi.
You do have interests that aren't exclusive to you, others enjoy them, find just an hour a week and do your favorite and you may be surprised there's someone doing the same thing.

@Alaskan Danielle likes quoting that saying of mine...
"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."
You aren't the only lonely person out there and life compels us to be social.  Everyone is wrapped up in their lives that sometimes social skills are rusty, needing fine tuning, lost or never learned.
All it takes sometimes is a smile to break the ice.

So next time your on a bus, shopping, strolling....make eye contact with someone and tell them something nice and watch them smile.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

[Stevi]

MeatWagon,

I have found the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship closest to me to be a good place to meet and interact with others.  While each congregation surely has its own personality the one I found is an eclectic mix of exor alternative Christians, Buddhists, humanists, agnostics, even, atheists.  They have kindness, compassion and caring in common.  My group is  super-accepting and supportive of transgender persons.  I have shared some of my burdens and successes with them and they have been supportive and encouraging and congratulatory.   The "services" are usually educational on a wide varieties of "spiritual" topics.  There is no doctrine to fall into line with.  There are principles which anyone who is not outright sociopathic would find no fault with.  There are various extra-service activities to get involved with.  Working shoulder to shoulder with others for others is rewarding.

Drop into a service if you can.  Making friends requires putting yourself into an environment with out-going and approachable people.  I think that is what you find in a UU fellowship.

Stevi

[Rachel]

How about volunteering at the UNC gender clinic. You could give them a call and see if they need any volunteer help.

[meatwagon]

i've read everyone's replies, and i do appreciate them, but at this time i just don't have the time or money to dedicate to something like clubs or volunteering, especially with how limited those opportunities are here in the first place.  i've looked into several such things, but they either require too much travel or too much time commitment and none align with my work schedule at all.  i can't afford membership dues or gas money for long drives on a regular basis.  i'm also just not at a place emotionally where i'd be comfortable joining an existing group by myself like that.  it makes me feel awkward and out of place to be out alone, not knowing anyone, especially while also being put under some kind of pressure to have something to offer or perform a certain way. 

honestly i think for now, something like "making friends" is just gonna have to wait until my life is in a better place.  apparently making friends requires you to have resources, time, money, and other friends.  none of which i have at the moment.  i don't even get to talk to my few existing friends most of the time now any more, so that's an even bigger problem for me at the moment.  all i can do is wait, which i'm really sick of doing, but i don't see any realistic or viable options aside from waiting for the things i need to happen, such as moving out, moving to a different work environment, having a roommate, and being further along in transition. 

:/  maybe someday...  for the time being, i'm more concerned with what to do about things like work, where i feel extremely isolated and constantly on edge due to not being "out" despite already passing.  having people constantly call you "she" when you don't look, act, sound, or live like a "she" in any way is extremely unsettling.  being constantly afraid that you'll be "outed" by customers in front of coworkers, knowing how little your coworkers already think of you and of transgender people as a whole...  i have bigger things to worry about than making new friends, i guess.

[silvertime]

I'm right here with you in the same position. I'm still in the closet with my transition but making progress. Def need a friend too. Sometimes shop with and hang out with. But I'm not in to the groups in my area, way too far out there for me. Besides I prefer a closer relationship with someone not a half in mind if deal.


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