I don't understand.. Am I trans or not, someone help.

[Rafaelle]

Hi, so I have this serious problem that I will be honest with you people that I can't understand. For some time now I've felt like a woman, had body dysphoria etc. But recently I've met a girl that I've fallen in love with, but she is straight and would not want a relationship with a woman. (I've not transitioned yet neither had hormones, I present as male.) So, I am not having body dysphoria, neither have trans thoughts because of my love for her and the hopes of getting with her. Though when I think that she could reject me and I directly go back to being dysphoric and thinking I am a lesbian and not a straight man. I am really confused and concerned with my identity. I am certain that I would be my happiest as a woman, but if I am to be with a straight girl as a male all those thoughts are gone. If I was with a girl as a lesbian I would be even happier though. I don't know what to do, anyone has an idea maybe of what's happening to me?

[Dena]

Your being distracted from your dysphoria by your love interest. This works for a while but unfortunately the dysphoria will return. It's best to have a long term plan when entering a relationship that includes your dysphoria or there will be serious issues when the dysphoria returns. You should discuss this with your therapist so you have a better understanding of your feelings.

[jesse135]

What has been said ^^^! I did the same thing as you. I think we have all been there. Someone has been sent to use from the nether-regions and takes us out of ourselves, which as transpeople, is so nice sometimes... (for me, anyway...being trans is hard) but this only works for a little while and then you have only yourself to face later on! It will hit you twice as hard when you find someone who eventually likes you for YOU! Transitioned or not. Do your thing and this person will follow, or not.

[Danielle Kristina]

Rafaelle,

If you're transgender, then you're transgender.  Your gender feelings may come and go, but they will always return.  For me, my feminine feelings would come and go, and sometimes they'd be gone for so long that I'd mistakenly think they were gone for good.  But they always came back.  I'm 37 now and they have been with me for all of my life, sometimes strongly and sometimes very subtlety.  Sure, I ignored them and wished them away.  At times I even denied that they existed.  But the feelings always returned.  Now at 37 years old the feelings are not only back, but much stronger than ever.  That's when I realized that I'm transgender.  I'm in gender therapy now and I read and share posts here on the forums, and everything I know about being trans points out that it never goes away permanently. 

I can't tell you that you're transgender.  Only you can decide that.  However, you have enough in your post that indicates that you should at least explore your gender identity with a gender therapist.  He or she will be an invaluable resource for your journey to your true self, whether you're a cisgender male or a transgender female.  I wish you the very best and please feel free to share on the forums as there is a wealth of people who have been just where you are now.

Hugs!!


Danielle

[DawnOday]

Rafelle... I tried to prove my manhood and was very in love with my first wife. But she liked sex. I didn't like it that much and I actually got tired of it. I worked nights and she worked days so it made it easy for me to crossdress while she was at work. I always felt better feeling pretty. Stupid me left enough clues laying around that she finally had an affair and I lost her after that. When I got remarried four years later I told my wife I crossdressed. Three years later I had my first heart problems surface. It seems my heart was not fully developed either. You are lucky because there are therapist's  out there now, well versed in gender issues. We also have research that point to our being determined in utero not by our genitals but by the differences in our brains. I have been married for 35 years and luckily my wife has realized she may not have married a man but she did marry her best friend.

[Sonja]

Your being distracted from your dysphoria by your love interest. This works for a while but unfortunately the dysphoria will return. It's best to have a long term plan when entering a relationship that includes your dysphoria or there will be serious issues when the dysphoria returns. You should discuss this with your therapist so you have a better understanding of your feelings.

@Rafaelle
Exactly what Dena said, plus I would tell your love interest, give her a chance to make up her own mind.

Sonja.

[LexieDragon]

Theres no rule that says that a transwoman  has to be attracted to males. Or that they can not be attracted to women. So just because your are attracted to her does not make you not trans. You are or aren't.

However, do you think you might be bigendered?

[Janes Groove]

Though when I think that she could reject me . . .

My question is only this:

Have you told her that you have thoughts about wanting to be a woman?  Or are you hiding this from her in  the hope of these thoughts/feelings somehow going away if you get together with her?  This part was not clear to me from your post.

If you are hiding this from her that's not a good idea.  I would advise putting ALL your cards on the table from the start and see where it goes from there.  These feeling NEVER go away.

[Rafaelle]

Wow, thank you all, I see clearer now. I was suspecting that was the case. There were sometimes I would wake up and any dysphoria was gone, I thought I was just wrong on my gender identity and just curious. But it always came back, I believe this will be the case this time also.

[Rafaelle]

Jane,actually when I think about being her, all thoughts of dysphoria dissappear, I feel like a male with her. I haven't told her anything as I was not sure anymore of what I was feeling. If I get into a relationship with her I will tell her directly. And then she will have to decide by herself. I'm sorry if I'm not clear enough, english is not my first language.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Rafaelle

I agree with all advice provided. Gender Dysphoria can be suppressed but it always returns and sometimes more powerfully.

Gender and sexual orientation and romantic interest are separate subjects. I am a transwoman, asexual with minor lesbian tendencies and a romantic interest occasionally in women.

You are correct in your decision to let your potential girlfriend know your gender feelings.

I wish you future happiness.

Pamela

[warlockmaker]

Funny thing about gender dysphoria, if you grew up not knowing there was transgender and you knew you were not gay, then the feelings become a quirky male sexual thought, it makes sex more fun. And you can live with this and have a family. I know becaise I led that life. Many chose this alternate path, even after knowing about tg, and are very successful in burying these feelings. There are levels of dysphoria and it would be interesting to find out how many live a successful life with some level of dysphoria without and desire to transition. At your age, love conquors all. Being tg is difficult, even in accepting societies and then there is the complications to have children. That's why the process to ascertain we are tgs is a long journey. This is especially true today with all the tg hype and wanna be. This will be a good test.

[VickyS]

Hi Rafaelle,

Looking back, this also happened to me but slightly different as sexuality was also involved.  Back in 2007 I was in a gay relationship with a man.  I was still trying to be a man and overcompensating as we do (truck driving, metalworking, etc) but I felt really girly when I was with him.  Anyway, after he dumped me I got into a relationship with a woman on the rebound and just wanted a 'normal' life. Put all that behind me.  But this was not to be as 10 years later, the pressure finally got to me and I started having memory loss, pain in all my joints, fatigue and severe depression to the point of seriously contemplating suicide.  This all cleared when I finally admitted to myself that I was trans and that I have no sexual interest in cis-women, only men (or some transwomen). 

As soon as the 'love' haze cleared in my relationship with a woman, my true feelings surfaced many times stronger than before and I think this is a very common situation.

My wife won't accept me as a female and so there is no future for us and I cannot perform for her as a husband, which leads me on to the fact that she doesn't really love ME.  She loves what I represent to her and that is a man who can make love to her which I truly am not and cannot.  I have not deliberately deceived her as for years I genuinely did not know I was female inside and what that meant.  I loved being girly but it was my 'dirty little secret'.  I told her about my sexual past with men and that did not bother her.

What concerns me about your situation is that you may end up repressing your femininity successfully for a few years only to have it rear it's head up stronger years later when you are in a relationship with maybe kids, a mortgage and all the other complications.  At that time it may be strong enough to literally take over like mine did.  No matter what I did no suppress or ignore it, it physically took over my body and made me ill to the point it was affecting my work and therefore my ability to keep a roof over my head so it gets VERY serious.

Please take time and talk all this through with a gender therapist as this is SO important for the rest of your life.  It's harsh to say, but partners can come and go but you have to deal with you for the rest of your life and you have to be happy and comfortable with yourself.

Take care,

Vicky x

[Karen]

I agree with all that has been said. You should definitely work this through with a good gender therapist. 

I felt feminine as a child and teenager, with dysphoria and some cross dressing.  I was in a very traditional family and community so worked hard to suppress it.  Later I met my wife, and fell deeply in love and in envy of her.  I lived vicariously through her, including shopping for her, etc.  We had kids and I became totally emersed in my career, with out a minute to spare. 

I am now 50 ish, my bucket list is empty and my dysphoria and gender thoughts have been climbing out for about 10 years, more and more.   Then the dam broke 1 year ago, and while I am accepting and in tune with the real me for the first time in my life, it is very very difficult...especially on my wife and with the entire life we have built. 

Good luck.  Big hugs

Karen

[Rafaelle]

I will surely talk about this with my gender therapist, it is really important for me as it will change my life. Thank you all very much for the encouraging words, that really means a lot, really, this place is a goldmine of amazing people. Have an amazing day! And thanks again!

[pamelatransuk]

I felt feminine as a child and teenager, with dysphoria and some cross dressing.  I was in a very traditional family and community so worked hard to suppress it.  Later I met my wife, and fell deeply in love and in envy of her.  I lived vicariously through her, including shopping for her, etc.  We had kids and I became totally emersed in my career, with out a minute to spare. 

I am now 50 ish, my bucket list is empty and my dysphoria and gender thoughts have been climbing out for about 10 years, more and more.   Then the dam broke 1 year ago, and while I am accepting and in tune with the real me for the first time in my life, it is very very difficult...especially on my wife and with the entire life we have built. 

Good luck.  Big hugs

Karen

Hello again Karen

With one major difference - I did not marry - my story is similar to yours. I always "knew" and felt feminine from teenage days and crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life. I thought I could manage the GD by suppressing and burying and the latter was mainly in the shear amount of work I had to do; buried you might say by paperwork in the 80s and 90s and buried since 2000 by electronic documents! Then the GD got stronger and the dam broke and last year I was finally "on my way".

I always advise the young ones to deal with being transgender early at least to the point of seeking advice with a gender therapist. Both the internet and gender therapists did not exist when we were 20 alas!

Hugs to you.

Pamela

[jaybutterfly]

Much of what you put seems similar to what I feel. I do not consider myself male, in spite of some medical opinions, and frequently want to present female, as much as I can (which I dont get chance to) but because I like girls, part of me wants to keep believing my feelings will go away if I meet the right person

it doesnt.

[Janes Groove]

Jane,actually when I think about being her, all thoughts of dysphoria dissappear, I feel like a male with her. I haven't told her anything as I was not sure anymore of what I was feeling. If I get into a relationship with her I will tell her directly. And then she will have to decide by herself. I'm sorry if I'm not clear enough, english is not my first language.

I felt the same way with a woman once.  Right down to the part about my dysphoria disappearing when I was with her and feeling very much like a male when I was around her.   At first.   I actually believed that she could magically erase my entire 22 years of history of wanting to be a girl.   But it was all denial.  She meant a great deal to me, but I never told her about my true nature.  It's one of the great regrets of my life.