What annoys (or annoyed) you about being in the closet?

[Lisa]

Hey everyone,

I thought it would be nice to have a thread for some lighthearted venting and discussion about the frustrations of life in the closet.  Sometimes it's just nice to complain a bit and know that other people can understand how you feel.

I'll get it started with some of the things that have bothered me over the years:

• Getting mis-gendered, but you can't fault the other person for it because you're not currently presenting as your authentic self, and you can't correct them without outing yourself either!  This one got to me today - I'd gone 2 weeks without hearing a 'sir' from anyone (I guess I look androgynous enough at this point to mostly avoid it?), but then I had 3 different people 'sir' me in one day!  Arg!
• Hearing things like 'You're not a girl, so you wouldn't understand.' and 'You know what it's like being a guy, right?' - actually, no, I don't know what it's like!
• Having to stop and think before saying or writing your name anywhere to make sure you don't accidentally use the wrong one.  Thankfully I haven't signed any work mails as 'Megan' yet, because that could get super awkward!
• Having a closet that's permanently overflowing because you have 2 completely different sets of clothing - one for your safe spaces, and one for the rest of the world.
• Having to change outfits just to take out the trash - so tedious!
• Accidentally slipping into your new voice with people you're not out to yet and having to explain it!

So, what's bothered you about closeted life?

-Megan

P.S.: Please remember TOS 10 - no bashing of specific people or groups!

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Howdy, I'm out now, but that's pretty recent.

The two biggest issues I had were:

1) I always felt like I was lying whenever I introduced myself to people. Whenever I talked to someone or signed up for something with my guy name it felt terrible.

2) worrying about how people would react when I did come out. It's mostly been positive, but it was still a nerve wracking process.

I also felt kind of cowardly while doing it. Simply being out is a form of activism, and if you walk in circles where people aren't as accepting simply knowing someone like you can help change minds.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello LeafyMeg

I understand and sympathise with 5 of your 6. The exception is the fifth as I do not change outfit  to put out the trash as I couldn't give a hoot what the neighbours may think.

The most annoying for me which I believe will probably continue for some time after I come out next year but which I hope would later subside, is not being permitted and accepted in girls' only discussion. Not only am I female but I also wish to be treated as such.

Hugs

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

I had a couple of different phases of being in the closet.  In the first phase, I wasn't even out to myself; I just thought I was odd.  But I had my feelings of empathy denied: "You couldn't possibly understand because you are a man."  Heck, they wouldn't even allow me to be supportive.  I hated pretending to like dirty jokes and similar guy stuff in order not to get singled out for bullying.

In phase 2, I was out to myself, my wife, and a few carefully selected family and friends.  I hated the whole notion of hiding myself.  Remembering what name to use.  Planning my wardrobe choices so as to hide my bra.  Heavy, loose shirts worked well, but for one event, white shirts were required.  I actually had to go out and buy a men's white tank top ("wife-beater"), so that it, not the bra underneath, would be visible through the white shirt.  I only wore it once.

My hatred of hiding myself is one reason I could never go stealth.  Just having the weight of a secret on my shoulders, and having to be careful not to reveal it, would probably put me into a depression.  I don't pro-actively offer the information that I am trans, but if someone figures it out, I don't mind as long as they are accepting.

Simply being out is a form of activism, and if you walk in circles where people aren't as accepting simply knowing someone like you can help change minds.

This is so true!

[Sephirah]

The only thing that really bothered me was not being able to say anything. When people pick up on something, and say something, and you have to, at worst deny it and, at best, not say anything.

My mum always used to say to me, jokingly, "If you were a woman, you'd be a b**ch!", and "God, put your claws away!" because I have a very... well... let's just say venomous, sarcastic tongue when I've a mind to. When someone ticks me off (which is extremely rare, but it does happen). And you have no idea how many times, when she said that, I wanted to say "But I am!"

Sadly, she passed away before I came out to anyone, so I never got the chance. But I wish deeply I had. I sometimes think she knew already, but I can't be sure.

Not just her. So many people have made throwaway comments about "You should have been born a woman, because you act like one." To which, at the time, I would just have to smile and shrug it off. But inside deeply wishing I had been brave enough, or sure enough to say something.

That's the main thing that annoyed me about being in the closet. The fact that you have to look through the gaps in the closet doors even when you want to open them wide. Even when people pick up on who you are without you saying anything. And you have to either deflect or deny. That's probably the most annoying thing of all.

[pamelatransuk]

The only thing that really bothered me was not being able to say anything. When people pick up on something, and say something, and you have to, at worst deny it and, at best, not say anything.

Not just her. So many people have made throwaway comments about "You should have been born a woman, because you act like one." To which, at the time, I would just have to smile and shrug it off. But inside deeply wishing I had been brave enough, or sure enough to say something.

That's the main thing that annoyed me about being in the closet. The fact that you have to look through the gaps in the closet doors even when you want to open them wide. Even when people pick up on who you are without you saying anything. And you have to either deflect or deny. That's probably the most annoying thing of all.

Yes Sephirah I appreciate this entirely. I am in the closet on HRT 6 months and intending to publicly transition next year. All my life there have been rare comments purporting to others knowing I am trans due to my behaviour or even my somewhat feminine face and I have even on occasion been mistaken for a woman. I was unable to confirm their suspicions which is uplifting and annoying if you know what I mean. However one thing we can do while in the closet is that when transgender matters crop up in general conversation, we can support the cause without outing ourselves.

But not to worry I and I hope for OP, our time will come and we will be out anyway!

Hugs to all

Pamela

[Lisa]

I'd kind of intended this as a more lighthearted 'minor annoyances' discussion - things that annoy you day to day for a few minutes and then you move on, but it feels like it's headed in a more serious direction.  That's fine though!

I guess on the more serious side of things:

I do worry about how I would react if someone asked me straight out if I'm trans, as I've definitely had some physical changes already.  No one has said anything, but I don't know if I'm just surrounded by people who are oblivious (totally possible given my social circle), or they're just not the types to bring it up.

I also worry about how each new person will react when I finally do come out to them.  It's like, no matter how many people I'm out to now, there will always be more in the future, and every time is stressful.

The worst though is just the simple fact that I'm hiding my real self most of the time, and at best that feels like it puts a distance between me and anyone I'm not out to, like I can't really fully connect with them.  At worst, it feels like being a liar or a fraud.

I am out to my parents, and that's helped a lot, but I'll feel a lot better when I'm out in the world generally.

[DawnOday]

I didn't like that I could not make friends and some of them that I could, became tired of me always being negative, I never wanted to be that way but. anger got the best of me. I'm moving to a more positive Dawn rather than a cranky old Don.

[randim]

I have a real sense of being incomplete.  I don't exactly feel like my life is inauthentic, but I kind of feel partial.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  And there is definitely a wall between me and other people that I don't think should be there.  To be honest, I don't know if that can be attributed solely to being closeted but it's got to be a important factor. And frankly, being closeted implies enough guilt, shame and self-loathing to fill a U-Haul, at least for me.  Tired of lugging it around.

[Kylo]

Wasn't ever really in the closet so to speak but what annoyed me no end was when people would talk about aspects of femininity to me with the incorrect assumption that it pleased me to have them. Or that I aspired to them.

[Toni213]

What annoys me is that I fit in with the girls at almost every job. I am treated like one of them. Most of my friends are females. When I hear, you don't understand your are not a woman. I want to scream yes I do!

The biggest one is when I have to go back to boy mode. I dread looking at the clock to see its time to change. I trying to make those intervals of male mode are shorter and shorter.

[Ryuichi13]

I hated being in the small closet I was in before I transitioned. 

-I went with being androgynous for most of my life, and it was mentally and emotionally painful, to say the least.  Especially when I thought I was the only one "born in the wrong body."

-I hated wearing hoodies in 90F weather!  I'd sweat like crazy even though I love hot weather.  After all, there's only so much heat one can take!  In some ways its worse now, because of wearing a binder AND a sleeveless undershirt, but I'm looking into top surgery, so son enough I'll no longer have to wear a binder, undershirt AND t-shirt!  No more three layers for the WIN! 

-I hated it when I felt I "should wear a bra," even though I would pull my t-shirt tight in order to hide my moobs. 

-I hated how high my voice was.  Now that its a nice baritone and possibly getting deeper, I feel more like my true voice is being heard for the first time.

-Whenever there was a family get-together where formal clothes were required, I truly hated being made to feel guilty when I didn't want to wear a dress and heels.  The last time I wore such atrocities was at my brother's wedding...seven or so years ago.  Now I have some nice suits to wear!  Sure they need to be taken in, but I now have them!

-Being a Paramedic, I was always more muscular than most females my size.  Now that I'm disabled,even though I've lost some body mass due to not being allowed to lift more than 50 lbs, I'm now developing muscles.  No more "are you a ->-bleeped-<-?" comments from others, I can now be muscular and not have people question why!

I could name more, but that's that what came off the top of my head. 

Ryuichi 

[Virginia 71]

Reading through all these replies and so much sounds familiar. I was out with my gf and two of her kids tonight. We went to a sort of out door evening market thing for dinner and had a great time. There was a man sitting in among this sort of hippie-ish scene wearing a US Army hat and looking a bit angry and very uncomfortable. All of a sudden I remembered the tension and anxiety and self hatred I felt and the things it drove me to do to compensate and "man up", including joining the Army. I wonder if I was allowed to choose my gender if I would have done all those things. Primarily and obsession with all things military but that is probably another topic.

I had a twinge of those feelings last night, again another topic...but between that and seeing this guy tonight I just remembered how absolutely miserable I used to be. I spent the majority of my time from an early age until this past Fall that way. Its no way to live and I wish I had done more with those years but here I am now...it was just the path I had to walk I suppose.

I think my largest regret was that I feel like I was so wrapped up in my own head I neglected a lot of things in my life and in particular the people in it. I had no idea what an absolutely wonderful woman my gf is. Transition has been rough on our relationship but in the end it has strengthened it. I guess what I'm saying is there can be an upside to a lot of the bad in life...