Girlfriend scared of people knowing about us

[cookielover77]

Hi,

I've been dating a girl for 9 months now. We have a great communication and work pretty awesome together.

Problems only occur when she gets scared that people will find out about us (I'm a pre-T ftm), regarding her parents/friends/coworkers etc. We live in a small country where people do not know a lot about trans people and her parents for example have really traditional expectations from her. Her family and what they think is really important to her.

It also bugs her since she's 34 (I'm 31) since parents expectations are only increasing with time.

I proposed a small 1 day trip today and she turned it down with saying that she is just really scared that somebody will find out about us. I tried to stay positive and said that she can hangout with anybody she likes, and that she can tell people we are just friends, but also making sure I understand her standing.

I'm feeling really stressful since she said she would rather kill herself than being in a position where she might disappoint her parents (in a way that they might find out). That really upset me.

I told her that I understand her position, although I'm not liking what she's saying (about killing herself, although I think she was exaggerating). Basically, she only wants to hangout with me at her/mine place and doesn't want to go out with me.

When we first started going out, we would only hangout outside, so I can't understand where is the difference now.

What can I say/do for her that will show her that I understand, but that also locking ourselves up in the house isn't the right solution?

Was somebody in the same situation? How did you handle it?

Thanks

[DawnOday]

My wife early on said she was ashamed to be seen with me but she slowly accepted it and now we go everywhere. When we go out I respect her concerns and try not to be too femme. I do that in my own time and place and as long as I do get to express myself amongst friends I have met as my support groups and elsewhere I can live with that. I have no parents and she has a 93 year old Mother with alzheimer's. So we don't have to ask anyones permission. But the way I see it is, parents have chosen their lifestyle for whatever reason. Now is your time and times are changing. This is good, not just for you but future generations that will not have to go through what we have gone through.  My wife and I have decided the 35 years we have invested in each other is too important for us to just give up. All in all she likes me better this way because I am no longer angry all the time and all my secrets are in view.  Good luck to you. Good love is hard to find and even harder to keep when there is no effort .

[Stevi]

Cookie,

I am MtoF 68 year old.  I will echo Dawn's thoughts on this a little.  My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary
the day after tomorrow.  We have lived our lives our way for the most part.  More so each year.  That said, it took my wife most of seven years to move from drawing all the blinds and forbidding me to look the least bit femme in public to her current state of not much caring what anyone might think about what I readily display, maybe even, to the point of getting her hackles up if I am given any grief for who I am and how we have chosen to deal with it.

Good, loving, relationships can work their way through this but it does take time.  Sometimes, lots of time.  My wife and I are from the olden days and had a lot of baggage to dump.  We dumped it an item at a time.  Little by little.  Small successes made the next self-imposed limit less restrictive.  Over time, the limits eroded away as we found our fears were mostly unfounded.  Explore with your girlfriend to find a way to do just a little.  How far to you need to go to be in a place she would feel secure enough to let you be a little more of who you are?  Does she need to be with you the first time?

I hope the load the two of you are carrying is a lot smaller than ours was.

Best of luck to you both,
Stevi

[krobinson103]

My wife is very traditional and feels shame at being married to a woman. I admit transition became a bit of a steam train but its what I needed to do. At the end of the day you live your life. For us, those lives are inevitably going to separate  sooner rather than later. I wish you better luck and echo the sentiments above... compromise on BOTH sides is necessary if the relationship is to survive. That means your girl friend will also need to make concessions.

[Gertrude]

Your an AFAB FTM and dating a women and the problem is? Not sure I understand. Are you dating presenting as a male or were you a lesbian couple and you decided to transition? If everyone thinks your male I can see the trepidation in the sense of social acceptance.


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[Rachel]

Hi, I would not dismiss someone discussing suicide and I would urge counselling. You may want to do couples counselling too for your relationship to flourish. You may get assistance to move forward or apart. Her feelings are as genuine and valid as yours. If the two of you can not move forward then perhaps moving apart is best.