Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals

[LanaJohn]

I would just like to remind everyone that this is the Significant Others Forum,  and that this forum is primarily intended as a place where Significant others can go in order to seek support from each other. While postings by the transgendered are not generally blocked it is requested that as much as possible you respect this as a seperate area for them.

Steph

Steph I DO respect this as an SO forum, however, I believe that feedback from those being discussed is important. How else will the SO's get both sides? Often the reason there are problems is that their TG spouse doesn't always have the answers, but someone perusing other forums may be able to provide a little insight to the situation. Hugs, LanaB

[SerenaExpat]

I am interested by Lana's post, as my SO has declared a desire for a normal heterosexual relationship with a man after transitioning and has no interest in sex with a female. I can vouch for this is, as my SO seems now incapable of normal penetrative sex and perhaps the signs were there in our relationship at the beginning, but that's another story.

What puzzles me, he did have a porn collection and he use to watch porn which was neither gay or anything other than straight. I have asked my SO why he had such porn, which I find degrading, and he tells me that he was always intrigued and fixated on the woman's perspective and viewpoint. What was she feeling and how could he emulate the sensations she was feeling?

He admits that he is not turned on by a hunky masculine body par se, but has a deep desire and need to be wanted and to give pleasure as a woman. My SO tells me that he was not sexually aroused by the man's penis, but aroused by being the woman servicing the penis. I'm not sure it really makes sense, but I believe my SO's intentions and position is genuine.

[Sphaira]

My SO and I have known each other for many years, and dated a few years after being best friends. Although I felt that my SO was holding back from me, I was surprised when she came out to me. Looking back, there were a number of signs, including my own bisexuality and appreciation for the female body. It is still early in her transition, but we are trying to move forward together with a mind on staying together and having children later.

Is that really true about the sexual orientation?  I'm actually really worried about that!

I am worried about this too. I think it is a normal reaction, but I think the OP is correct in that gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

My SO tells me that he was not sexually aroused by the man's penis, but aroused by being the woman servicing the penis. I'm not sure it really makes sense, but I believe my SO's intentions and position is genuine.

Following my above comment, it sounds like he was more aroused by the idea of being the woman than actually servicing a particular organ (male or female). My SO enjoyed body swap fantasies before coming out to me. In a way, I think it was her way of testing me or even encouraging herself to come out.

What else can I do to comfort him as he's going through alot of different feelings and emotions?  And he's also worried that once he starts taking T that the sex drive will diminish and he will not be able to satisfy me. I've told him that I will be by his side through every step of the transition.  I feel a little lost in what else i can do.  Any advice would be great.  Thanks.

You sound like you are doing the right thing. Be honest, as painful as it may be, and you SO will never wonder if you are trying to spare his feelings or be deceitful. It's very difficult to be honest, but my SO and I know we are on the same page at least.

S is doing illegal things. I want my lover to know that not everything has to be done that way. that there r ways to make $ n be accepted legally n be proud of it. S obviously feels like hes his own worse enemy...n i cant help S, mostly cuz S wont let me n i dont have the $ or resources he needs. S is my life, my soul, n i feel pain bc of this. i want S to know that there is a good ending to this, n it can be done w good ppl.

Whatever is going on, S should be in a healthy place before transitioning. Anything S is doing to numb, release, or in general cover up problems will make transitioning more difficult. I say this as someone who was in a good place in a relationship when my SO came out to me. We are very close, but I could not imagine the flood of emotions I felt when she told me she was unhappy in the (male) body she was in. Even though I am very supportive, there are emotions that I don't understand where they come from or what they mean. Being honest is one of the things that helps me and my SO work through it together.

[Moonflower]

@SerenaExpat, your post got me thinking. Thank you for the questions. I wonder if you have any answers now, years later.

I can imagine that your SO had a porn collection because it was inspiring, to see ideas for what she wanted to become, and to help identify her preferences. I can imagine that your SO's porn satisfied a curiosity as he learned about his own feminine persona. Does that make sense from your perspective now?