Trying to come to terms

[krobinson103]

+1 for that right there!

Hugs, Devlyn

Agree on that once that transition train starts there is NO stopping it!

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Abi

I think you are absolutely right both to research and gain knowledge and also to seek therapy.

I wish you success in your future therapy sessions. I think you have just reached the point of acceptance of yourself and a gender therapist should now be able to advise and guide you accordingly.

Hugs

Pamela

[HappyMoni]

Hi Abi, I like your name. I am a little late to your thread and hope you don't mind if I chime in with a few questions. I know you stated telling your wife. Are you able to include her as you discover your feelings with the therapist? If you and your partner are close and love each other, I would hope you would be able to work on this issue with communication  open between you two. Of course there is always the risk to your marriage with this thing you are both dealing with. My personal opinion (being someone who stayed with my partner through full transition) is that including your partner will make staying together  more likely as opposed to excluding her from the thought process. Partners, from what I've seen, want honesty and get upset with surprises like decisions being made without there input. (SO's invited to speak to this) I get from what you have written that you don't know how this ends. I think if she is involved in the process, any beginning stance on her part may be pliable, open to evolving. I know of no one whose dysphoria magically goes away. There are multiple possible paths to dealing with it. I commend you for not trying to run from this any longer. Denial is something I did for 50 years, and it got me nothing but pain. Stay positive, good outcomes are possible. Oh  my name is Moni. Welcome to Susan's!

[ItsAbiKay]

Hello Abi

I think you are absolutely right both to research and gain knowledge and also to seek therapy.

I wish you success in your future therapy sessions. I think you have just reached the point of acceptance of yourself and a gender therapist should now be able to advise and guide you accordingly.

Hugs

Pamela

Hi Pamela. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and it's one of the reasons I keep coming back to Susans.

Hi Abi, I like your name. I am a little late to your thread and hope you don't mind if I chime in with a few questions. I know you stated telling your wife. Are you able to include her as you discover your feelings with the therapist? If you and your partner are close and love each other, I would hope you would be able to work on this issue with communication  open between you two. Of course there is always the risk to your marriage with this thing you are both dealing with. My personal opinion (being someone who stayed with my partner through full transition) is that including your partner will make staying together  more likely as opposed to excluding her from the thought process. Partners, from what I've seen, want honesty and get upset with surprises like decisions being made without there input. (SO's invited to speak to this) I get from what you have written that you don't know how this ends. I think if she is involved in the process, any beginning stance on her part may be pliable, open to evolving. I know of no one whose dysphoria magically goes away. There are multiple possible paths to dealing with it. I commend you for not trying to run from this any longer. Denial is something I did for 50 years, and it got me nothing but pain. Stay positive, good outcomes are possible. Oh  my name is Moni. Welcome to Susan's!

Hi Moni. Nice to meet you. I don't mind anyone chiming in. I'm happy for any one to chat with me about anything. I just appreciate you taking the time. It's certainly not easy for me to still talk to her about it. It's like something we know is there but most of the time we skirt around it and don't actually talk about it. I do hope in time that it is something that would become more open in our relation ship and I want to about it and not bury it. We do love each other and we're one of those zany, wacky couples that have their own secret languages and words and mannerisms and I love it it's great. I feel like we're the only ones we can be ourselves around. There is no doubt about it though. Me coming out to her and the manner in which I did it has definitely strained our relationship. The trust is shattered and I understand that. I definitely wouldn't make any major decision in my life without first talking to her about it and including her in it. I wouldn't sneak behind her back and start down the road of physical changes or anything like that. That's one of the reasons why I'm facing up to this now because it's not going away and I know myself that I'm not going to be able to handle it otherwise. There is definitely a sense of denial about us as a couple for sure. It's just if we can get past that or not but I'll be trying and she'll be there with me every step of the way unless she doesn't want to. Thank you so much for the warm welcome and input. As I said above I do greatly appreciate it.

[Alice (nym)]

Abi, you are being so brave. I admire you for being level headed. And you may feel low at the moment but you are being incredible, asking the right questions and seeking the right help. Inspirational. In some ways I am probably a few steps behind you but in others a few steps ahead... but I've nowhere near your courage. You hang in there and be brave. Everybody's courage here is just wow. I've never felt so frightened and alone as I do now... and I came to terms with who I was a long time ago. So to be doing that now, the bravery is just incredible. Seeking therapy and coming out like that to your wife... really impressive. I came out to my wife before we married, it was her support that convinced me to marry, but alas it ended up being too much for her and I lost that support. But at least I don't have to face coming out to her again. So you did a very brave thing, much braver than me, when I came out to my wife, I had nothing to lose (I do now though), you had everything to lose and you showed so much courage in that. Wow. I am blown away.

[ItsAbiKay]

Abi, you are being so brave. I admire you for being level headed. And you may feel low at the moment but you are being incredible, asking the right questions and seeking the right help. Inspirational. In some ways I am probably a few steps behind you but in others a few steps ahead... but I've nowhere near your courage. You hang in there and be brave. Everybody's courage here is just wow. I've never felt so frightened and alone as I do now... and I came to terms with who I was a long time ago. So to be doing that now, the bravery is just incredible. Seeking therapy and coming out like that to your wife... really impressive. I came out to my wife before we married, it was her support that convinced me to marry, but alas it ended up being too much for her and I lost that support. But at least I don't have to face coming out to her again. So you did a very brave thing, much braver than me, when I came out to my wife, I had nothing to lose (I do now though), you had everything to lose and you showed so much courage in that. Wow. I am blown away.

Hi Nym. It's nice to meet you. It's easy enough to be level headed I've always been a laid back person and logically. I'm nothing special just taking things one day at a time and keep moving forward. Don't sell yourself short, Nym. You have your own courage too. Coming out to your wife before the wedding was extremely brave and courageous. So is being here now and talking with everyone. Any move forward for all of us is courageous. We're all here to support each other its one of the great things about this site. You're never alone. We're all here for you any time just reach out.

Hugs x
Abi

[HappyMoni]

@Nym and Abi,
   I wish things were easier for you. I told my partner before we married in 1979. I was fortunate in that she accepted me and we are still together now. The key there was 'she' accepted me. I transitioned starting in 2015, so I did not accept myself for a looooong time. What you are faced with is amazingly difficult. You are right about the things we stand to lose. Telling someone? Well, we do it sometimes in weird ways, but it is not meant to disrespect the person being told, it is just so scary. I expect in time your wife will forget the 'how' of how you told her.
   I would caution you both on one thing. You look around this site and see people who have done so much on their paths of becoming their true selves. It might be easy to be in awe of them and think they have some magical ability that you don't have. Don't discount your potential to make changes in your life. I can't tell you the number of times I looked ahead at my transition and said, "Oh, ah, I will never be able to do that!" Yet, I did. You can call it bravery, you can call it desperation (my personal favorite), but being yourself is a powerful motivator. Not being yourself is painful, very painful. Sorry if this sounds preachy. It isn't my intention. I just think we all sometimes need to be told that, positive outcomes are possible and they happen when you start to believe they are possible.
With warmth,
Moni

[ItsAbiKay]

Thanks Moni. It definitely did not come across as preachy and I suppose I am starting to see my own potential for the capacity to make changes in my life. It's just a long hard road as you know yourself and so does everyone else here.

I had another session with my therapist today. Only out of her office a few minutes but I feel amazing after it. We've talked about me having Gender Dysphoria before and other aspects but today I was comfortable enough to open up about Abi when she asked about it. It was the first time she really probed to see what was there. Asking what kind of woman she is and did she have a name and what would she think of the predicament that I find myself in. I told her things I've never been able to say out loud to another loving soul. "Abigail is a strong, smart, take no crap woman who is confident in herself, her appearance and abilities". Saying those things to her was freeing. I was able to talk about my experiments cross dressing and the confidence I have taking pictures of it. It felt like a real corner being turned today in my sessions and she said that she was happy for me that I was able to express myself. She also said every time I talked about Abi that I had a smile on my face and I didn't even notice. I did have an anxiety attack in the middle of it but got through it. The fact that someone is actually proud of me for just being myself and talking about myself almost reduces me to tears. It makes me believe I am not strange or wrong. For the first time today I saw a future where I was happy. I hope you comes true.


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[KathyLauren]

Yay!  I love to read about people turning corners in their progress.  That sounds like a big one, and I am happy for you.  Here's to that happy future that you see.

[HappyMoni]

Thanks Moni. It definitely did not come across as preachy and I suppose I am starting to see my own potential for the capacity to make changes in my life. It's just a long hard road as you know yourself and so does everyone else here.

I had another session with my therapist today. Only out of her office a few minutes but I feel amazing after it. We've talked about me having Gender Dysphoria before and other aspects but today I was comfortable enough to open up about Abi when she asked about it. It was the first time she really probed to see what was there. Asking what kind of woman she is and did she have a name and what would she think of the predicament that I find myself in. I told her things I've never been able to say out loud to another loving soul. "Abigail is a strong, smart, take no crap woman who is confident in herself, her appearance and abilities". Saying those things to her was freeing. I was able to talk about my experiments cross dressing and the confidence I have taking pictures of it. It felt like a real corner being turned today in my sessions and she said that she was happy for me that I was able to express myself. She also said every time I talked about Abi that I had a smile on my face and I didn't even notice. I did have an anxiety attack in the middle of it but got through it. The fact that someone is actually proud of me for just being myself and talking about myself almost reduces me to tears. It makes me believe I am not strange or wrong. For the first time today I saw a future where I was happy. I hope you comes true.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Abi,
   Glad to hear you describe your visit so positively. You actually gave me a flashback. When I was in college, many years ago, I came out to a guidance person at my school. I wrote this woman a letter that essentially said that I didn't know if I could continue life as a guy the rest of my life. I remember being invited to her office and barely looked at her, I was so embarrassed at that point. She expressed extreme surprise and said she would be open to giving me some of her old clothes, but she didn't know if it was ethical to do so. At that date, she probably thought of me as mentally ill. I am so happy that this is not how things are for you. I so vividly remember the feeling I had then. I said that I might have to live my life as a female, but it was said, as much as anything, out of frustration. I truly didn't believe it could happen for me. Today, it is truly amazing living every day as a woman. My glimpse from the other side of transition is more wonderful then I could ever imagine. Everything I went through was worth it. I have freed myself from so much fear. If I had a thought that she could still be alive, I would love to let her know how it turned out.
Moni
Keep fighting for what you want, Abi! Good luck!

[Northern Star Girl]

@ItsAbiKay
Dear Abi:
As others have commented, your report is wonderful news and a positive and happy report about your transition progress as you continue on to your goals.
Yes indeed, you have certainly "turned a corner" in your own attitude, self-confidence and in the eyes of your therapist.   

It is so good to personally get along with our therapists... I know, it is their job to make one feel at ease but not all of them come across as friendly and helpful as you experienced at your appointment today.   

You future is bright.... Life is Good.
Please, if you feel so led, continue to keep us updated on your life events regarding your transition.
Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

[Alice (nym)]

wow... I am just learning to open up. Someone is helping me from another forum to do that. Not so much being honest with myself, I've always been... but trying to rid myself of the fear to talk to people who can help me. That alone is a big step for me. So amazing work Abi.

Moni, that was a beautiful post you addressed to me and Abi. Thank you for that. I still think that the bravest people in the world are on sites like this talking about how they transitioned. It might be desperation that leads to the first steps but the courage is unbelievable. You know what it is like to be where I am now, so you must know how scary and confusing it all is.

I got a phone call today about my self referral for therapy. It is not a gender specialist but it is a first step for me and at this moment in time, I just need to become comfortable talking to people about this. These forums help a lot but I've always been better at writing my thoughts than speaking them.

Well done Abi. It is inspiring reading how you are taking these steps.

[HappyMoni]

wow... I am just learning to open up. Someone is helping me from another forum to do that. Not so much being honest with myself, I've always been... but trying to rid myself of the fear to talk to people who can help me. That alone is a big step for me. So amazing work Abi.

Moni, that was a beautiful post you addressed to me and Abi. Thank you for that. I still think that the bravest people in the world are on sites like this talking about how they transitioned. It might be desperation that leads to the first steps but the courage is unbelievable. You know what it is like to be where I am now, so you must know how scary and confusing it all is.

I got a phone call today about my self referral for therapy. It is not a gender specialist but it is a first step for me and at this moment in time, I just need to become comfortable talking to people about this. These forums help a lot but I've always been better at writing my thoughts than speaking them.

Well done Abi. It is inspiring reading how you are taking these steps.

Nym,
   Even though I am 95 % done with the dramatic parts of transition, I like to talk with friends who are where you are. I remember that horrible fear you are dealing with. If I can say one thing that helps, I am happy to do that. I want you to find your way and in a selfish way it helps me heal from my past. I think those who are starting out need to hear that if they decide to transition, there will be people who will support. There are big risks but there are incredible rewards possible. You should be proud of yourself for starting to figure this out. If I can be of any help with you or Abi, I would be honored to do so. Keep smilin, it helps.
Warmly,
Moni

[ItsAbiKay]

Thanks Kathy, Danielle, Moni and Nym.

I've had a few days to digest my session seeing as I posted here almost straight away after it with excitement. Honestly every ones kind words here are always a beacon of positivity. The session this week really did set me up for the week and put me in a great mood. It gave me a level of confidence I've never known. I even put my selfies up on my private facebook page which is part of a few groups and I feel confident in people seeing them. It's been eye opening and I know that not all weeks are going to be like this but you take the good with the bad and right now for the first time in a long time I'm feeling positive. I want to be true to myself and try and live the life I'm meant to and this can hopefully be the start of it.

Thank you all for the support
Abi x

[HappyMoni]

It is so nice to hear of your positivity, Abi. I hope you will stay with us and share when you feel it. I would like nothing better than to keep hearing about your progress. It is so cool to see people figuring out what they need and getting there. With warmth and well wishes!
Moni

[Maid Marion]

Hi Abi,

It is wonderful to hear that you are getting help and making progress!

Marion