Struggling to figure it all out

[Shennae]

Hello.

I just signed up for this and this is my first thread. So here it goes.

I am a 60 year old trying to figure out if I am trans. Ever since I was little I saw pictures of women in magazines and thought I would like to be like them. Whenever paging through department store catalogues like Penny's or Sears, I would find myself concentrating on the women's section on bras, panties, dresses, and swimsuits. At a young age I found myself attracted to being one of them. As the years progressed I tried to suppress those feelings to be the man I was assigned at birth. But in these last 5 - 10 years the struggle became almost unbearable. I feel this woman inside of me really wanting to come out. Lately I catch myself looking at women; their clothing, having female breasts, women wearing bikinis, how they walk and act, and so on.

Those female feelings in me were so strong that a couple of years ago I began seeing a therapist to sort through it all. This therapist was ready to write me a referral letter to begin HRT. However some things at my place of work needed my full attention and I stopped seeing her. The female voice in me continued strong but I suppressed it enough to work through the situation at work. Fast forward to today. I have moved to a different community. Same state, different area. That voice has come on strong within me and at this point I am preparing to see another therapist to help me sort it all out.

I have some unique family and work dynamics I need to work through. You see, I am a pastor. Have been for over 26 years. The church I am currently serving will not accept that I am trans and will lose that job. And my wife of over 31 years, my two daughters, and extended family will not be accepting of this either.

I love my wife and kids to death and want to stay married to her but I'm sure that won't happen if I come out to her about being trans. What I'm trying to say is that our marriage, as good as it is, may not be able to withstand what I want to tell her about me. I am hoping that I can begin to process all of this with my therapist. I can't tell my wife about seeing this therapist about it. It will blow her mind. I am also planning to pay cash instead of using my insurance for now. So basically I am sneaking around her to try to work through my struggle. I feel bad about it but also feel it's the only way right now.

I am hoping that my therapist and I can work this through in a timely manner and that I can begin to start transitioning sometime next year. Right now I really want to transition to become the woman I feel I was meant to be. I feel like a woman all over and feel trapped in a man's body.

Well, think I'll stop for now. Will try to keep ya'll updated on how things are going as best I can.

Love,
Shennae   

[Northern Star Girl]

@Shennae
Dear Shennae:  Please know that I am not trying to hijack your questions and concerns that you stated on this thread, but for you... first things first.

I see that you have just recently become a member of Susan's Place and therefore an Official Welcome to you is in order.
I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared several of your very first posting here with other members here on the Forums.

I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  On those LINKS is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@Shennae
Oh, and another thing Shennae,

Please find your way to the Introductions Forum to let other members know of your arrival here on Susan's Place.

Thank you again for joining in on the Susan's Place forums.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Jessica]

Hi Shennae 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place, I'm Jessica!
I started 1 year ago at age 61 actually doing something about the feelings I'd had since my teens.  It slowly built up from a whisper to a crescendo and is letting me know loudly.
I feel for you in gaining acceptance with family, friends and the Clergy.  Maybe your revealing yourself to them would show them that the message of forgiveness is strong in the church. Can you send that message in one or a series of sermons before you feel the need to be who you are to them?
Like in some families, love sometimes conquers hate.

I see that our shining star in the north and official Greeter @Alaskan Danielle has welcomed you with some very useful links to the site rules and tips.  They are there to help you have a great experience while you explore the many topics that our members post their thoughts and ideas in.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[sandigurl99]

Oh my dear... you have some hard choices to make.  Only you can do it.  Good luck with your choices.  My prayers are with you.

Sandi

Sent from my SM-T377V using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

Oh my dear... you have some hard choices to make.  Only you can do it.  Good luck with your choices.  My prayers are with you.

Sandi

Sent from my SM-T377V using Tapatalk

@sandigurl99
Dear Sandi:    I won't burden this thread with another Official Welcome Message so since your are brand new here on Susan's Place and this is your very first posting... I do indeed offer you my warm Official Welcome.

Please scroll down a couple posts on this thread and read my Welcome Message and subsequent request to visit the Introductions Forum that I sent to @Shennae   ....

Please read my Welcome Message carefully, lots of important information for new members is included there.

I will be looking forward to seeing your official introduction posting on the Introductions Forum very soon.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Hugs,
Danielle

[Kirsteneklund7]

I went through a similar scenario a couple of years ago with a conservative Christian extended family. I found fighting the inner femininity head on didn't work. As soon as I began therapy & HRT I included my wife and gently invited her to the sessions. I think keeping ones situation open book with the wife from the very start reduces the fear and suspicion. Also not jumping in boots and all but going steady steady and allowing loved ones time to adjust helps a lot.
My humble 2 bobs,
Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Shennae, and welcome.

I was 61 when I figured it out.  There are many of us "mature" ladies here, so you are in good company.

I am sorry that you find yourself in such a tough position with respect to your family and work.  The work problem is probably easier to solve: there are progressive churches that would be happy to have you.

Balancing transition with family is a hard one, and everyone has to figure out their own accommodation.  I knew that, if it ever came out that I had been to a therapist without talking to my wife about it, that in itself would have ended my marriage, so I told her first.  It is possible that your wife will leave you if you intend to transition, no matter what.  But concealing the steps you are taking may make things worse.  Just something to think about.

On the other hand, talking to your therapist may help with the coming-out process.

Sometimes our spouses are made of stronger stuff than we think.  So, while the end of your marriage may be a distinct possibility, it is also possible that she meant it when she vowed, "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health."  Mine stayed, and so have many others.

The urge to be your true self gets stronger over time.  I wish you well, whatever you decide to do, and however it turns out.

[Alice V]

Hey,  Shennae.
I barely deal with my own life so I doubt I can give you real advice but I wish you figure this out. One thing I know is hiding something isn't the best way to keep relationship safe, especially if you cannot hide it at all (you know, HRT isn't thing you can hide under you bed). Maybe you should try family therapy instead of hiding? I mean, it supposed to save families, right?

[I_Am_Hazel]

I must say that I am relieved that you are going to pursue this instead of repressing it for the sake of your family, though I understand that it is difficult and complicated. Too many people like us continue to suffer for the sake of those who love us, but who wouldn't love us as we wholly are.

I wish I could offer advice, but I can offer only gratitude. People like you give me courage.

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Shennae!

Your story could be mine but for the details.  I am 55 and I am an attorney who is well known enough around the L.A. criminal courts that when I went public with my transition it went viral within the court system. 

I too worried about losing my wife, children, friends, career, but I had run out of options.  The last ten years before transition my blood pressure was out of control and panic attacks were a prominent feature of the morning commute.  I had been through antidepressants, beta blockers, tranquilizers, anti anxiety meds and alcohol.

Nothing worked but the alcohol, and you can see where things were going.  By the time I finally came out to my wife and went for therapy, I was almost housebound and I was a basket case.

I had to do this to save my health and my life.  This is not a perversion, a fetish or a lifestyle choice.  It is something that runs far, far deeper.

Now the good news:  I've made it most of the way through transition without losing anyone.  My wife stayed with me.  My two adult children still love me.  I haven't lost any clients or friends.  Even my friends who are churchgoing evangelical Christians are still my friends, and they are not trying to "save" me.  I never had any luck or good fortune (except my wife and kids) until transition.  God save up all my miracles for this.

God is real, He is all powerful, and he is amazing.  Hormone therapy brought me closer to Him, and made me a far better person.  It also cured my blood pressure, all my anxieties, and allergies that plagued me since childhood.  I've been allergic to dogs since I was a child— until I started hormones.  I recently babysat my daughters two dogs for a month without so much as a sniffle.  I have always loved dogs.  Having them back was amazing.

I had horrible nightmares and somnambulism since the age of five — until the day I started hormones.

I still get misgendered some times, and there have been a few little things here and there. Things haven't been perfect, but they have been far, far better than they ever were.   I am whole.  I am healthy.  I am happy.  I enjoy every day.

Your faith will guide you.  Expect trials, tribulations, and miracles.

Hugs, Carly

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to Susans Shennae.   I was so moved by your story and can only encourage you in the strongest possible terms to continue with your journey of self acceptance.  You never really know how your family will react until they do.  So there is that.  I imagine you are going through all kinds of scenarios in your head right now about all the terrible things that could happen to you on the other side of the door you are about to open.
But I'm telling you that those are ALL imagined scenarios and don't compare to the experience of reality that you will face.  Just monsters the mind conjures up in the dark.  Don't get me wrong. There be real monsters but they are not anywhere near as bad as the ones we create for ourselves with our imaginations during our years in the closet.   It's just such a more beautiful world when one doesn't have to spend every waking moment hiding one's basic nature.  And we can contribute so much more to our community by just being ourselves.
But more important is that I would just like to ask you to consider this question.  How much more could you accomplish as a pastor if you shared your story with those that you minister to?    I just ask you to consider the biblical passage that tells us that we should not hide our light under a basket but let it shine forth so that it may give light to all who live in the house.  I have faith that you have to courage to do this.  If you need even more encouragement just look at what other transgender women of our age are accomplishing, I'm 60 too.  Just yesterday I read a story about a transgender woman in Vermont who is running as the Democrat candidate for Governor.   Google "Christine Hallquist."  She used to be an energy company executive.   But in the end, don't do this for anybody else. Do it for you.  It's your time now.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Shennae

I am not married but my advice to you based on the stories of so many on Susan's is to inform your wife that you are seeing a gender therapist as it is usually wiser not to hide anything from a spouse. She may still disapprove or even reject you but I think it is better to be open from the start.

However I understand personally your other points. I have always known I was transgender but was able to suppress and bury till like you it became so dominant last year aged 62 that I had no option but to seek therapy and then HRT. The feeling never goes away and comes back with greater ferocity.

I am a practicing Christian - Catholic in fact - and I know that my parish will not accept my transition and I intend to go public in 2019. Therefore I know I must resign and join another parish of a different denomination although a suitable parish may be hard to find here in the NW of the UK. I see your are pastor and I hope your Church will accept or if not then you may also have to move parish as a pastor of course or even denomination.

I wish you well whatever route(s) you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

[CarlyMcx]

@ Pamela:  if the Catholics won't have you, become a Lutheran.  It is almost the same as Catholicism and the Lutheran Church here in the U.S. recently ordained an FTM transgender pastor.  https://www.advocate.com/politics/religion/2015/07/06/meet-first-trans-pastor-officially-ordained-evangelical-lutheran-church

[pamelatransuk]

Interesting events. Thank you so much, Carly.

Pamela  xx