Dena, thank you for your description of what to do! I came into this process very ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did, because my spouse didn't want me to have what I later learned were entirely normal, and legitimate feelings and concerns. While I've gotten some push back by the occasional trans person on this website, more of what I've gotten from the transfolks on here has been wonderful support and validation of my feelings, and they have been instrumental in helping me get through what has been a truly ghastly process thus far.
Michelle_P: To be fair to SO's, yes there is some fear and loathing of transition, and some do demand their transspouse not transition, but it is cruel to say that of all SO's, as it is simply NOT true.
In our defense, some of the most common problems I saw on the website Sylvia and Gallinorosa are talking about:
1. This is a MAJOR change in our lives, and transpouse frequently feels they must 'Do Something' IMMEDIATELY, without giving us time to process this MAJOR change (which is major enough to be compared to the feeling of getting widowed, at least initially.)
-some of us have even been berated for crying (literally.) In spite of showing our support by loaning/buying our partner feminine garments, cosmetics, hair removal items, etc., we still have feelings that we need to work through, and are not permitted that.
-As Dena pointed out, this can be effectively dealt with by giving us TIME (and possibly hugging us, and etc. when we cry, rather than berating us.) The successful marriages feature a trans spouse that does exactly this, when I've encountered these couples.
2. Some of the more hurtful transpouses seem to expect their cis-spouse to change their sexuality overnight. The lesbian cis-spouse must get used to sex with a partner that has facial hair and no breasts, and the heterosexual cisfemale must now get used to lacy underthings, lipstick, and new anatomy down below. (These are examples, I know results and genders vary.)
-Some people start out sexually flexible, but even then, it can still be an adjustment to make, because again, the cis-spouse, at least initially, feels like they are now married to a whole new person. For folks that are more flexible, they will frequently be able to adjust to this, but they need TIME to do that. And understanding, of course.
-Some people are not as flexible, and simply aren't going to be attracted to their partner's new presentation, no matter how hard they try and want to be, (and in some cases, will unfortunately be blamed for this.)
3. This one will probably irritate some trans people: PERSONALITY CHANGES!
A lot of (not all) trans people I've spoken to seem to think the fundamental core personality doesn't change with transition. Maybe it doesn't, but I would have to guess this is a ymmv situation.
-In some cases, this is true, and the outer shell personality traits didn't change much either, or the changes were improvements in the eyes of the cis-spouse(such as Debi and Tia's case.) Hooray for happy endings!
- In some cases, the repression/ whatever else was strong enough that the cis-spouse no longer recognizes the person they're married to, because the personality IS so drastically changed, at least in the eyes of the spouse. Lots of accounts of this online.
-Sometimes, the core personality may not be changed, but the facade/repression concealed/ameliorated the less compatible core personality traits, and no more facade/repression means this marriage will no longer work because the core personalities were never compatible to begin with.
4. Some of us have financial/ medical concerns for our family/ spouse where transition is concerned. Not going to get into details here, but please don't blame people that are essentially telling you they don't want their trans spouse to die. It's not easy to say "I don't want you to die" and be viewed as the bad guy, in spite of simply wanting to keep your spouse alive. Not as common, but is also a real occurrence that happens.
Again, please do not make the assumption that it is always a matter of the SO who needs to be more understanding. And certainly, do NOT post it in a thread where some of the people are describing feeling hurt, alone, and hopeless. The SO's here ALL voluntarily began using a transgender friendly support website. If they wanted to wholly reject transition, there are probably better websites to frequent. There's a posting on the transgender pages that describes how to not blow up a marriage, where the author points out that there are some SO's who commit suicide over this. Suicide is not usually an act of blame, it is an act by somebody who feels helpless. Please be more considerate.
