Hi! I'm Candy! That's because I'm sweet, sexy and good for you
At least that's me when I'm feeling myself and self-confident. In fact I'm Marty the IT guy full time, and only now at 57 years old exploring and discovering myself. It's been a disaster of late, but it's getting better. I was a kind, cheerful and sensitive child by all accounts, and much preferred playing house and having tea parties with my stuffies to anything involving balls. No specific desire to 'be a girl' but I very much enjoyed exploring my feminine self as a punk rocker artist in my teens when family troubles, tragedies and traumas forced me to tuck myself away (and not in the good way!) and live a different life. I gave up dreams of being an artist and of being myself and went to work. I lost myself in very loving relationships, and enjoyed being a good dad and provider. I mostly deferred to others, readily took on the role of caregiver, and was hiding more and more of my true self inside. I drank to medicate myself and try to cope with the person that was roiling within. The side I showed was genuine and loving, but decidedly incomplete. I saved the rest for my journals.
One year ago, my relationship with my partner having cooled for years, I decided to have some fun and wear a bra by myself. The relief that swept over me was shocking, so I tried some more, and more. I felt so ME for a change. New sexual feelings arose as well. Who was this strong and kooky gal? I have a transgender child, and the many friendships I'm blessed with in that community seem to have made the woman in me feel like it was safe to come out. But it wasn't! More family tragedy and she had to be put on hold. I tossed out the lingerie. But she wouldn't stay hidden! 6 months sober now and she feels stronger and healthier than ever!!
I've had such a confusing and turbulent ride for that six months. I'm about to separate with my wife of 27 years, she doesn't know who I am and I don't blame her. It all came out so quickly and such a mess. Like I turned inside out while trying to keep the outward facade intact. Yuck. I met someone during all this that loves me as I am, even when I tell her I don't know who that is yet. I feel like I'm causing so much pain by being myself, and I've spent my life as a caregiver to ease others pain and take it upon myself. On the other hand, I'm writing this morning as I eagerly wait for the lingerie/toy shop to open so I can get that bra back on!
I have a great therapist who works with the TG and BDSM community. She suggested Susan's! I can't believe I'm writing this, and I'm looking forward to having the confidence to hit the 'Post' button. Thank you all for your courage, both to be yourself and to question and investigate yourself. Mostly for loving yourself, because that's what I'm here to try to do. It's not easy for me. I'd like to make friends, hopefully find that I'm not alone in the confusing things and crazy family situations, and to see, be and hear who I am and who you are!
I'm an artist and my name is Candy! Kisses!
