Hi friends,
i've spent a long time lurking on this site in incognito tabs and finally decided to join. i'm still new to this forum so please excuse me if i've posted in the wrong place or something like that. also apologies in advance for this incredibly long post.
some context...
i've known i was male since i was 13, i'm 21 now. i would have liked to come out a long time ago however my family is extremely religious (mormons) and i spent most of my life verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. my mother is south american so there is also the added element of "traditional values" to her religious beliefs, whereas my white-australian dad is a little more accepting of things like mental illness and gay and lesbian people. i was sent to conversion therapy when they confronted me about their suspicions that i was gay. fortunately the bishop conducting the sessions was replaced a few months after i started and the sessions weren't picked up again by the new bishop so i got off the hook pretty easily, however it still left some lasting damage.
i spent a long time convincing myself i was female to make it easier but it got to a point where i was suicidal and couldn't deny myself anymore, which i know is the same for most others. i suffer from depression, intense dysphoria, and social anxiety as a result of my upbringing which makes it harder for me to come out.
i've spent the last 6 or so years living a "double life".. out to most friends and "passing" socially except in legal, work, and study situations. i have a nonbinary partner of 2 years (however we have been best friends for 5) whose parents accept and support me. i'm currently living in a share-house with this partner and other trans people which has improved my mental health tremendously. the separation from my family has also improved our relationship. i've been seeing a therapist for the past year who is compassionate towards and knowledgeable about trans subjects, however he is not a "specialist" of any sort and mostly wants to focus on my depression/anxiety as issues of their own and after a few months of me telling him that they are symptoms of a larger issue (the incongruence between who i am and how others perceive me!) he has only now just agreed with my point of view.
at the moment my plan is to begin HRT and change my legal documents after i finish my degree at the end of october this year. i guess i'm not in a huge rush to come out to my family until the effects of HRT become too noticeable, at which point i won't be able to hide it anymore. i already know the outcome will be less than kind so i've decided to tell them via a letter, to give them time to absorb and respond, and so that they will be forced to listen to me instead of talk over or interrupt me.
but as for the contents in it... i have no idea where to even start!
i haven't shared anything personal with my family for years because each time i've tried to open up to them in the past i've been made fun of, dismissed, hit, etc. so for almost a decade now they have had no idea who i really am, what i'm interested in, even my friendships and relationships have all been kept secret out of fear.
i've taken steps to ensure my safety. i've moved houses and not given them my updated address, separated my bank account, and will be opening a PO box to send my letter correspondence with them. even though i don't have a real relationship with them and have gotten to a point where i have accepted that i will most likely face estrangement upon coming out, the thought is still terrifying and the effects of 19 years of abuse still linger. it is also heart breaking because finally we have something of a relationship now, even if it's built on a false identity, and to destroy that after such a small time of finally having a family relationship is sad to me. i know i have my partner's family who has been an invaluable support to me for 5 years but it doesn't feel quite the same.
i'm sure you all must see this question a lot but.... how did you guys do it? any advice is appreciated, and thank you so much for all the resources provided already on this website.
thank you in advance <3
- miles