Hello - a scared but determined Sarah

[SarahChase83]

Hi everyone

My name is Sarah - i'm a 35yo who has always known she is MTF transgendered but has put in a box all her life and suppressed it pretty hard. In the last 2 weeks I have come out to all my close friends and I have asked to be referred for transition.

I am scared because basically I am now a rookie at all this. 13 years ago i crossdressed as much as I could, with a supportive gf to help me. But as time went on my gf got very mentally and physically ill and my girl side had no room to breathe - things were complicated enough without my dysphoria. My gf then died nearly 3 years ago, suddenly.

Since then I plummeted into depression, letting myself go even more than I already had. I used to make a great woman (to my eye) once upon a time but now I make a pretty shoddy guy, let alone a girl. Eventually I realised my depression wasn't just in my grief, but also in a life not spent the way I had hoped and dreamed as a teenager dressing up.

A bit impulsively... mainly because I felt like I had nothing left to lose, I told one close friend, then two, then three and soon I got a little addicted to the acceptance and liberation (I picked my friends wisely). And I finally feel like I am free to confront this. Or more like if I don't now then maybe i'll never be happy.

But there is soooooooo much work to do. I am basically a rookie  all over again - not knowing really what she is doing playing with mum's makeup But i'm Definitely Sarah and even in all my doubts i've Known that. I guess maybe I've just never believed I could live a life as her.

I'm desperate to make new friends here and get some help on my journey because I have an awful lot to learn and do. I hope one day to be the one helping but for now, i've got smudged lippie and mascara goop

Thank you for reading x

[big kim]

Welcome from a Blackpool girl. I did that, dropped down to 150 pounds, I was 6'3". didn't eat at weekends, drank too much & took the edge off with speed, weed & coke. It was a last chance to go for it in my case. I was lucky, I was supported by my parents & sister & 99% of people I knew

[Alice V]

Welcome!

First, sorry for your gf. I sounds like she was nice person.
It's cool you still have strength to keep moving. State where you have nothing to lose is dangerous but it provide unique opportunities to finally do what you think have to be done. Hopefully you'll keep going forward and share your experience
You'll surely find nice friends here Enjoy your time!

P. S. I like the name of topic It just how I feel it now

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Sarah!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Congratulations on figuring out who you are!  It sounds like you have some good friends around you.  (So sorry to hear about your girlfriend.  It sounds like she was a real support for you.)

No doubt there is a steep learning curve with transition.  There is lots to do, and everything will take longer than you want it to.  It will try your patience.  But the effort will be worth it.  Nothing beats the freedom to be yourself.

If you haven't already done so, it would be a good idea to see a gender therapist.  It sounds like you pretty much have yourself figured out, but therapists are also handy with arranging for referral letters and other such necessary steps. 

Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[DawnOday]

Please never refer to yourself as a Transvestite it is a pejorative term that many of us older transitioners heard whenever one of us was exposed. Think Eddie Murphy and Hugh Grant getting caught with transvestites. Trangsgender was not a term until the mid eighties. Use the term transgender with pride. I've been cross dressing since I was in my teens. I have never been a transvestite.
I'm  not getting down on you as I required a whole lot information to get where I am today. It is a confusing life to know you are not the person that you present.
  Transvestite should not be confused with transgender or transsexual (see those terms for more); transvestites are often happy with their gender and have no desire to change their sex, but simply enjoy being able to cross-dress from time to time.
When speaking of to or about an individual who identifies as transgender, the term transvestite is typically seen as derogatory.
  Here are the people who helped in my discovery. Kristy my gender therapist. Erica also a gender therapist, Dr Lightbody who prescribes the meds. Emily my speech and culture therapist, Nanci my electrologist who has at least 40 transgender friends that she is very proud of. Cindy another electrologist I have used for a short period when Nanci was not available, whose son is transgender. All my new acquaintances and friends at the two support groups I attend at Ingersoll Gender Center and Tacoma Rainbow Center. Today because of the efforts of these beautiful people I am the person I am today. Happily transitioning to my true identity. I can't ever remember being more happy. I wish the same for you.

[Northern Star Girl]

@SarahChase83
Hello Sarah     
Thank you for your first posting and introducing yourself to the members here.

I see that our lovely Official Greeter  @KathyLauren  gave you her Welcome Message to you earlier today.   
Now that you have posted your introduction here you will now be seen by many members here on the forums and will able to have more give and take and sharing of thoughts with other like-minded members here.
There is a good chance too that you can make some new friends here on the forums.

Please be certain to look at the Susan's Place informational LINKS that  KathyLauren included at the end of her Welcome Message.   Pay particular attention to the LINKS IN RED, there will be answers for questions that most new members will ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

[V M]

Hi Sarah 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[SarahChase83]

Hi everybody - I really appreciate all the welcomes, thank you. The more I read the more this seems like a very safe and welcoming space, and I really appreciate it.

@DawnOday - I guess I just exposed how new-again to all this I am. I didn't mean to use a potentially offensive term and clearly need to do my reading. Thank you for informing me - I have edited my intro and will be much more careful.