Short-time lurker, first-time poster. I'm going to warn you, this is awkward.
I first became aware of the idea of changing genders 20 years ago. I didn't feel right as puberty happened. "Normal" 15-year-old boys don't fantasize about turning into mermaids, right? But the library had a few magazine pieces about transsexuals (as was the terminology then), which I studied. And then, in the primordial ooze of the early Internet, I discovered fictional stories of men being transformed into women, and I felt like they spoke to me.
And fiction is where it has stayed since. I did some private crossdressing, with prom/bridesmaid dresses bought off eBay, but mostly it was through porn and self-stimulation. I want to have long hair, wear beautiful gowns, just dress like a girl every day. Today I have a substantial closet and have spent MUCH more in the past year on women's clothing than men's. There's consistency: I always fantasize about being, or becoming, the woman/female. The male role (and male body) turns me off. I HATE dressing up as a man, and am thankful my job does not require a suit and tie.
Then, in the past two years, I hit a wall. My biological time bomb went off. By this, I mean a confluence of events happened that signaled to me that it was now or never. (And the world went barking mad, but the less said about that the better.) I came out to my therapist, who I had sought out years ago specifically because he had trans issues on his list but I hadn't had the strength to tell him. I also came out to my pastor, who has been understanding, but of course told me that not everyone would be.
I want to take the leap, if only to be sure that I tried. I want to start HRT, but the waiting list is long, and I have plenty of concerns/obstacles, most notably my parents. Have I said enough here, or can/should I go on with a TMI dump?
