Waxing / waning dysphoria, doubts, and non-transitioning trans people

[Mattie02]

All so true. I'm going to agree with Karen ^^^ especially the "how hard can it be to be me" bit, and for sure the fact that it is good to have others (us) to share and talk and relate the experiences and journey with. There are times where I am completely conflicted with my identity, and there are times where I am 100% (ok, 91.3%) sure that I've finally figured "something" out and am on a good path.

I've never questioned the female that is inside of me (or rather, the female that is me)....really it's more been a question of what do I do about it? How do I address it?

It is a struggle, for sure. Non-binary, trans, gender fluid, queer, questioning....so many labels, so little time  I'm certainly not trying to diminish anyone's journey, I just find that I get confused myself. Again, just when I think I've solved one side of the Rubiks Cube, I've gone and messed up the other.

I'm glad that this place exists, I'm glad for the interactions, and at the end of the day, I think I'm glad for the journey. No matter how hard or confusing it gets, it's an adventure.

[justChloe]

@Karen I completely relate! I love those little moments of validation and how amazing and affirming they can feel, but oh how quickly they can be replaced by fear, guilt, and shame. Learning to live with that tension is something I'm working on, and it is quite a challenge.

@LucyEgo I meant to circle back around on what you said earlier. I'm also struggling to decide if this is really something that I want, regardless of what anyone else tells me, positive or negative. I don't know if I'm any closer to anything resembling an answer, but the journey has been illuminating. I also had very mixed feeling about the way I looked the first time(s) I dressed en femme. That, I have to say, has gotten better. There are still moments where I feel like I look ridiculous and wonder what the hell I'm doing, but there are also times when I truly like the way I look and even feel confident. I've not yet tested this out and about in the real world (aka, not my room), that's a next step I'm both excited and terrified to take.

One thing I've realized that has been very helpful is that I was judging myself based on images of other women, judging myself for not looking like them. Once I was able to start thinking about the unique kind of woman I would/could be, my appearance didn't seem quite so jarring. I'll never look like the women I wish I could be, but hell, plenty of cis women feel the same thing! I've also started noticing a lot more (assumed cis) women who don't fit the ideal feminine mold I was aspiring to. It's hard here, at the beginning, I don't have experience, my female presentation is not practiced or familiar. The only thing I have to compare it to is images of other women, and unfortunately that has often meant defaulting to mass media that is hardly representative of the average female body. Being more aware of the actual diversity of body shapes and sizes in people I see every day has helped me feel like maybe there's room for me in that mix as well.

Subtle feminizing cues also help, jewelry, nail polish, growing my hair out, wearing tighter jeans, making certain I'm very clean shaven (nothing like a bit of stubble to throw the whole thing off). I'm reminding myself that it is indeed a transition, and it will take time. I'm at the bottom of the learning curve and don't quite know what works best for my build and face, I haven't developed my sense of style yet. It's frustrating to say the least, but on good days, it can even be fun. I've had trouble with self acceptance my whole life. In looking for solutions, I never imagined I'd find them in a dress and makeup, but in the end if that's what I end up needing to be happy, I'm good with it. I've tried all manner of self help, so whatever actually works, works for me!

Hope that all made sense and helped some!

[Mattie02]

^^^ I have, and still do, judge myself on how I perceive I look compared to the "image" I have in my head. But you are correct in saying, once the "image" is seen from the perspective of I'm just being me, it gets a lot easier.

I'm in a very similar place....I've mixed in a lot of feminine things to better reflect how I feel. I've taken to wearing nail polish anytime I want (including work, which is a very masculine environment), and shopping for clothes in any part of the store I choose. I've got a collection of bags/purses that I've come to love having with me (who knew how practical they were too!).

You seem like you have a great outlook on things, and I'm certain that you'll find your style and what works for you!

[VickyS]

Just though I'd add a +1 to what has been said before.  It's a HUGE learning curve and an especially difficult one if we are to de-program ourselves to get rid of 40+ years of male gender programming (thanks society!).

Over the last few years, I thought I had fibromyalgia as I had constant joint pain, severe depression, fatigue and memory loss so bad that it was affecting my work.  When I stalled my car and sat there for a few minutes not knowing how to drive, it scared me so I sought help through memory clinics who basically confirmed that I had a terrible memory.  In October I had a revelation while watching a music video that I felt like I was the female performer on the stage and it struck me that I didn't feel male at all inside, mostly female and sometimes neutral. Time went on and last December, my dysphoria went berserk as I was trying to cope with these feelings and I stopped eating, withdrew and the only solution I thought was suicide as I thought that I could not live the way I had been doing in a male role and being assumed to be a heterosexual cis-male and there is NO WAY I could ever transition.  Eventually a manager at work told me to go to my GP and get help as my depression was worsening and it was very noticeable.  I saw my GP and told her I didn't feel male at all and that I felt I was female inside.  After that, I told my manager and my mother what I had said and all were understanding and accepting.  I felt a HUGE relief and was happy for the first time in years.  Over the next few months, my supposed fibromyalgia symptoms cleared up.  I felt no joint pain or fatigue and my memory is returning to normal.  I saw another GP who refused my referral to a Gender Identity Clinic, but instead referred me to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist was brilliant and went through some very searching questions and told me that the physical symptoms I had been getting were due to the fact that I had severe depression and my body was starting to shut down.  He said it was quite common.  He gave me a diagnosis of having Gender Dysphoria and referred me straight away to a Gender Identity Clinic!  I was so happy to be happy if that makes sense?  Since then, I'm playing a waiting game as it's going to be at least another couple of years before I have my first appointment at the clinic, but in the mean time, I'm growing my hair out and having electrolysis to clear my facial hair.  Sounds great eh?  No.  Unfortunately, I do have waxing/waning moments.  I find if I have to perform in a male role for any length of time I get depressed and then I start to question the whole transition thing and it would be much easier and cheaper if I didn't transition then I think my life is pointless and worthless and suicidal thoughts are not far away.  If i'm allowed to be feminine I feel genuine happiness.  Sometimes I panic about the cost of electrolysis and if it's worth it, then I look in the mirror when I shave and god yes, it's worth it!

When I first started, I grew my fingernails and painted them with clear varnish and I thought that was great and it made my happy.  Then it became 'normal' and I thought perhaps I don't need them, so when my wife said she hated them and to cut them I tried...
I removed the varnish and cut them and I was in floods of tears.  I felt so miserable and unhappy and at that point I realised I can't go backwards.  They made such a difference to me feeling feminine, FAR more than I realised, so I grew them again.  Such a small thing but made a huge difference to my mental well-being.

I saw in a video once about questions to ask yourself and one was, if you were on a desert island and no-one could see you, would you want to transition and present as fully female or not.  This I answered yes, as all my doubts and anxieties about transition were not based on what I wanted for myself, but how others would react to me.  When I'm naked in the bathroom and looking at my body on my own it is then that I want to transition more than ever, not for anyone else, but for me, so I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I try to keep those thoughts whenever I have doubts but it's hard.  Especially when you are presenting male with awkward length hair, long nails and keep getting told that your face is a mess when it's swollen from electrolysis.  Then you have to do something very 'male' such as car repair and you are terrified of breaking a nail and you can't tell anyone.  Gaaaaaah!  Is it all worth it?

Yes it is. 

[Karen]

I can totallly relate to the last few points. 

A face app helped me visualize the real me, and I really liked it.   

Hair removal, longer hair, nails, and weight loss have helped me look in the mirror enfemme.  No longer grossed out.  It still triggers some dysphoria given genitles and body shape I wish I had.

And I can completely relate to the desert island...just want to be me.

Hugs

Karen

[Katy]

This is such a brilliant thread.  All of the contributors were at the top of their game.  Chloe, thanks for sparking this enlightening conversation about a topic that bedevils me.  I look forward to reading more memorable postings. 

All the best,

Katy

[Karen]

Hi all..

If you are not familiar with Anne Vitale, you should go to her website.   I believe it is Annevitale.com.   She is trans and a PHD and gender therapist.  Over her 25 years of experience she has written several books.   She has also a series of research articles and notes she has written - testosterone impacts on MTF, how TG shows up at different life stages, how mid life TG plays out for different people - including essentially the waxing and waning effect.

She is the most balanced I have found for me.

Hugs

Karen

[justChloe]

@VickyS Wow, thank you for sharing your story, there is so much I can relate to in there! The desert island question has cetainly been a clarifying one for me as well. It is azing how much the little things help, and how quickly they become normal, causing you to forget how mich they helped in the first place. It is a lot of work, but so far, yes, well worth it .

@Karen, I hadn't heard of Anne Vitale's qoek yet, I'll be sure to check her out!

Loving reading all your thoughful controbutions and experiences on this topic. For something so complicated and individual, there are a quite surprising number of similarities in our experiences.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Karen and others

I had the waxing and waning problem for over 50 years just like you Karen and as you know I was forced to take action last year aged 62 when the GD became so dominant and I sought therapy and then was put on HRT last February and I will be transitioning publicly in 2019.

So I have a couple of points to add if I may please:

1. I always knew I was a girl and told my grandmother aged 4 and always had the longing to be a girl and then a woman but I was able to "manage it" either by suppressing it or as I assumed by it going away of its own accord. However during 2016 the longing became so powerful and whereas I always knew female bodies were shaped differently, I had such an intense desire for the curves aswell as the breasts of course and as it was so intense and continuous, I could not suppress this time. Essentially it is all about how dominant the longing becomes.

2. I never married but I had family (mainly my mother) to consider and later to care for in old age and my career to think about. I took early retirement and one reason was to care for my mother and she died in 2015. I was bitterly disappointed at her death as I loved her even though she sadly never accepted my transgender status. However in retrospect, I can now see that the 2 obstacles preventing me from taking positive action (which is now leading to public transition) were removed by circumstances. Therefore the dam was burst as I had no reason why in my subconscious mind, I should have to try and try again to suppress - I was fatigued and disillusioned by the fight to suppress. I had lost the war. No more waxing and waning. 2017 was the time at last for positive action.

Needless to say, I am delighted I took that positive action.

Hugs to you all

Pamela

[LucyEgo]

How is it going friends?

There's so many things it looks like a can relate to Chloe on. I don't however think our voices are unique. I think a lot of people have these waxing, waning, doubting episodes. We're trapped by our circumstances - external (work, relationships), internal (sense of self, shame, guilt).

I was able to dress up last week with a friend and we had a great time. We didn't do our makeup and hair, but it felt good. I don't know really what I felt from it. It didn't feel wrong. But it didn't really click. Maybe too much self monitoring. It did feel pleasing to wear my gaff and drive without any obstruction. Sorry if that's too much info.

There were times I looked in the mirror and had glimpses of the female within, but nothing when I stared directly.

I think I look silly as a woman. I have this notion of who I want to look like - so I created my avatar. But I think I need to be slimmer, and have breasts to be more feminine.

It is certainly a strange thought process, being comfortable seeing myself in the mirror as a man, and being uncomfortable seeing myself as a woman because it doesn't match the woman I think I should be.

I am scared Im making a huge mistake. I am scared that Im reading too much into it, that Im talking myself into it. Why can't I just accept that cards I've been dealt and be the "man" Im supposed to be. I've said elsewhere that I can be a feminine man, I could wear more flowing clothes and take better care of my appearance (metrosexual). Could I manage it like that? I hear that Gender is a social construct. But when you're a man and just want to be treated as one of the ladies and be let into that circle but there's a phallic barrier in the way. It's depressing.

There's relationships, family, my significant other, work. And what if I start down a path. How soon do I tell my partner? Do I risk losing her on a whim? But what if things progress significantly with her that Im then unable to explore myself? What if I start to transition but find out it's a mistake? How would I cope with telling the people around me - I made a mistake.

I know how I would respond if I knew someone who transitoned and detransitioned. I would accept them no matter what and support them through anything. I don't feel I have that kind of support network. And most people aren't like me.

I wish there was a magical button you could press to find out. If I had no partner and was living alone, I think I'd have probably done something about this a long time ago. I would have had no problem transitioning. The problem isn't how I feel about it. It's how I might affect other people for what might just be a whim.

It's not that I fear living a lone. I fear surviving in a world that revolves around money, being without food and shelter because I've got to pay some exorbitant rent, loads of bills, cell phone, phone, gas, electric, taxes, water, food, car costs etc. 

So much of my standing still is probably nothing at all to do with gender. I probably don't care if I do get it wrong. I just fear losing everything.

[Myranda]

Hi there,

I'm still new to the community (my only other post had been in the introducions section) and to dealing with / recognizing my gender dysphoria.

I've only been trying to sort this out for a few months, after recognizing my feelings as gender dysphoria, and remain as confused as ever. A few weeks ago I felt very strongly female (I was assigned male at birth) and was feeling so sure that transition was something I wanted to work toward. Now, the dysphoric feelings don't seem nearly strong or consistent enough to warrant all of the trouble. It scares me how much these feelings can wax and wane. I worry about working toward transition, as if this is just some phase that will pass. I feel like a fraud sometimes, like maybe this isn't about who I "really am" and more about something I want or need to be.

Have any of you had waxing and waning dysphoria like this?

Have any of you decided to not transition because of it? How they deal with the dysphoric bouts when they resurface?

Maybe I'm just scared, and in doubt about my ability to transition.

Maybe my feelings are better described by "non-binary" than "trans"? For some reason trans feels more right to me. I kind of feel like I swing between no gender and female, rarely, if ever, feeling male.

I'm feeling rather scattered at the moment, and frustrated by all this confusion. I've been seeing a therapist, which has helped a lot but I think engaging with the community here might give me some more clarity. Would love to hear from any of you who have been through similar circumstances!

-Chloe

Not sure if what I have been going through is the same as you are describing, but it is something similar. I have just begun to start to explore the possibility of NB as opposed to MtF.

But right now I am missing my E and P something fierce.

[Myranda]

I can totallly relate to the last few points. 

A face app helped me visualize the real me, and I really liked it.   

Hair removal, longer hair, nails, and weight loss have helped me look in the mirror enfemme.  No longer grossed out.  It still triggers some dysphoria given genitles and body shape I wish I had.

And I can completely relate to the desert island...just want to be me.

Hugs

Karen

Which Face App do you use?

[Karen]

Which Face App do you use?

It is called:  FaceApp for iPhone. 

[Ashley0808]

The mind can only focus on something until it hits a saturation point then the shift of focus must change.  Ever read a good book and don't want to put it down but you have too because you can't tolerate it anymore?  Same thing you hit saturation for that activity.  Dysphoria is the same,  you can only focus on it for so long.

To the lady that mention starting hrt and dysphoria vanishes.  Hrt is part of the obsession.  HRT is alleviating the mental fixation that is attached to the process.  So you start popping the those pills and poof dysphoria vanishes.

[CandyFreedom]

Chloe and all,
Thank you SO MUCH for this thread. It very much describes my adventure and helps enormously.  Assigned male at birth, I've always had feminine leanings in all my interests and emotions, but never had a particular problem with being male.  I just wasn't acting like your average man.  But all along I knew that I wasn't being myself.  In my journals I increasingly felt a longing to be myself, even though I wasn't sure what that meant.  I wanted to be the artist and poet I always wanted to be but only seemed to be able to express frustration.  I drank a lot.  Then about a year ago I tried cross dressing.  It felt GREAT.  I feel so comfortable more directly expressing my femininity.  It wasn't that I felt bad about my male body, I just felt so much better and 'at home' dressing as a woman and feeling free to move and feel like a woman, to feel my whole body.  It was a complete emotional and physical transformation.  I gave up drinking and felt even healthier when I expressed my feminine self.

Sometimes I think I'm just imagining this, that somehow my feelings about my mom are the source of this feeling. I did love my mom and her closet full of great dresses so much. My dysphoria is pretty much all social rather than physical, and it comes and goes.  I always have my feelings and emotions, but I think "well why should it be considered feminine to be sensitive, empathetic, cooperative, loving our mother earth, crafting, gardening, knitting and wearing bras" and I get to the last bit and think "Oh! What the heck is going on?"  Right now I like to say;  I can live on the margins of manhood, or I can live at the center of womanhood.  So I'm embracing the experience, giving myself room to grow in whatever direction I need to, and exploring not only gender but my art and poetry and music, so that in the end I try to become a WHOLE PERSON, wherever I may fall on the spectrum.

Thanks again for the thread, it hit the spot for sure.  I hope we do continue the discussion.

Love,
Candy

[Rayna]

I'm not one of those who always felt like a girl from an early age. So now, at 65, doubt is the name of the game.

I appreciate what all of you have said so far. This helps me to understand that I really do feel better when crossdressed. Male presentation holds no magic for me. On my desert island, there's no doubt, I'd be female.

But I don't live on a desert island. I love my wife, and she is really crushed with my questioning. If I go on HRT she says it'll be over, although perhaps we could remain close friends. Can I manage my dysphoria without transitioning? I understand what some say, that we need to do this for ourselves. But I'm not alone. I have a responsibility. The doubts continue...

[ShannonH]

Just though I'd add a +1 to what has been said before.  It's a HUGE learning curve and an especially difficult one if we are to de-program ourselves to get rid of 40+ years of male gender programming (thanks society!).

Over the last few years, I thought I had fibromyalgia as I had constant joint pain, severe depression, fatigue and memory loss so bad that it was affecting my work.  When I stalled my car and sat there for a few minutes not knowing how to drive, it scared me so I sought help through memory clinics who basically confirmed that I had a terrible memory.

Omg, this is exactly how I feel and have been feeling my whole adult life. I am 26 with a wife and two kids.

Pretty much word for word is how I feel on a regular basis ( I have seen a few GPs and they all put it down to depression and just put me on meds)
I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and telling her everything about my constant gender thoughts that I have had since I was 11 years old.

Thank you hun for your post!

[KathyLauren]

I hear that Gender is a social construct.

I have heard this, too, and I think it is a harmful urban legend, unfortunately spread by our own community.  Gender roles and presentations are certainly social constructs, but gender identity is biological.  It is not determined by our genitals, but it is something that we are born with.  We would still have gender identities even if society abolished all gender roles.

[Karen]

I have heard this, too, and I think it is a harmful urban legend, unfortunately spread by our own community.  Gender roles and presentations are certainly social constructs, but gender identity is biological.  It is not determined by our genitals, but it is something that we are born with.  We would still have gender identities even if society abolished all gender roles.

Totally agree.   Such an extreme gender binary is clearly fueled by social constructs - consumer marketing, Adam and Eve, etc.   But ones sense of gender identify is biological.

[Michelle_P]

I have heard this, too, and I think it is a harmful urban legend, unfortunately spread by our own community.  Gender roles and presentations are certainly social constructs, but gender identity is biological.  It is not determined by our genitals, but it is something that we are born with.  We would still have gender identities even if society abolished all gender roles.

I generally break 'gender' down into gender identity, gender presentation (including role) and gender orientation, with gender presentation and role being the primarily socially defined elements, and identity and orientation being largely innate properties that reside within the brain.

This alone is an eye opener for most cisgender audiences, and walking through the explanation of these elements can take the better part of an hour.  This is stuff that may be familiar to us, but it is built on concepts and ideas which have never occurred to most people in the course of their lives. Even socially defined elements of presentation and role are not likely to be understood as such, but assumed to be the result of 'natural law' or similar handwaving, as invisible to members of society as the water is to a swimming fish or the air to a bird.