Did abusive parents make me gender fluid?

[Laurel]

Hey all. I remember when I was young, both my parents used to beat me, tell me I should have been a girl and called me bad seed. Now when we are all older, they want grandchildren from me 

I don't know what I want or where I am on the trans spectrum. If I am aroused, all I can think about is being a receptive, submissive female, maybe even in an abusive relationship where a dominatrix beats me and forces me to do whatever she wants against my will.

If I am not aroused, I just want to be in a normal hetero relationship with a kind woman.

Am I the way I am because of what my parents did to me? If so, how do I "break" out of it?

[GingerVicki]

Abuse can cause disassociate identity order which in theory could cause bi-gender tendencies.

[Sephirah]

Hey all. I remember when I was young, both my parents used to beat me, tell me I should have been a girl and called me bad seed. Now when we are all older, they want grandchildren from me 

I don't know what I want or where I am on the trans spectrum. If I am aroused, all I can think about is being a receptive, submissive female, maybe even in an abusive relationship where a dominatrix beats me and forces me to do whatever she wants against my will.

If I am not aroused, I just want to be in a normal hetero relationship with a kind woman.

Am I the way I am because of what my parents did to me? If so, how do I "break" out of it?

Sweetie, I'm not sure that's something anyone here can tell you with any degree of certainty. People can be very fragile sometimes, when it comes to what we go through and how it affects us. It's entirely possible, it also may be entirely unrelated, or somewhere in between.

Is it possible for you to talk to someone, Laurel? A therapist, or someone in that capacity? And tell them what you've told us? Someone you can work with face to face, to try and deal with the ramifications of what you went through with your parents? If so, I feel that would probably be the best way to move forward. And see where your feelings lie.

What I will say is, I am so, so, so sorry that happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that. No matter who you are or how you feel. No one deserves to be beaten, or made to feel bad. It wasn't you, okay? Nothing was your fault.

*extra big hug*

[Alice V]

Hey, Laurel.

First, sorry for hear this, you had an awful athmosphere in family. Nobody should ever be treated this way. Hugs for you. Hopefully you ok now.
Second, I think such question should be adressed to professionals. If you can, try to talk with therapist. They used to looking causes of our behavior. Mine told self-diagnostic could be even dangerous.

[angelats]

Hello Lauren,

thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts.

Never forget you are a human being, mortal, vulnerable.
You are responsible for yourself, your body and soul,
you can be a incredibly unique, powerful and wonderful being.

I think you did quite well to recognize your passions
and to differ yourself from the passionate self.

You ask: "Am I the way I am because of what my parents did to me? If so, how do I "break" out of it?"

I do not know why you are this way, but it seems reasonable for me, that your upbringing influenced your passions and sexuality. At the end it is you that knows the past and those with you then ...
Maybe a therapist can help you to find the causes why you are this way.

I am sure you do not need to follow some of your passions. You can transform this passions in love, kindness and awareness for example. You are free to choose how you express yourself. You are free to live your live.

If your parents abused you i would never bring children or grandchildren to parents like these.

You surely can have grandchildren. You are free to choose this.

Brightest blessings.

[Virginia]

VA raising hand as survivor of childhood trauma with Dissociative Identity Disorder and a female alter. Many cisgender men who were abused as children have sexual fantasies about becoming women, need to dress as women, experience extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

Trauma is Highly Treatable with therapy.

[angelats]

Thank you Virginia, for sharing this.

In Germany, at least this is my experience,
a good gender therapist will ask a person with gender problems,
if there were experiences of abuse in the past,
that might have caused gender dysphoria.

[Laurel]

Thank you all for your replies (hugs) 

Sweetie, I'm not sure that's something anyone here can tell you with any degree of certainty. People can be very fragile sometimes, when it comes to what we go through and how it affects us. It's entirely possible, it also may be entirely unrelated, or somewhere in between.

Is it possible for you to talk to someone, Laurel? A therapist, or someone in that capacity? And tell them what you've told us? Someone you can work with face to face, to try and deal with the ramifications of what you went through with your parents? If so, I feel that would probably be the best way to move forward. And see where your feelings lie.

I am a student in another country now, away from my parents. In between working to support myself and studying I don't have much disposable income or time.

One thing I am afraid of, of seeing a therapist or counsellor, is that the sort of work I am interested in when I graduate would require a security clearance. Is it bad to even be seen having any sort of therapy, counselling or psych treatment? I was told that the forms do ask, as well as many other forms in the future for everything from insurance, licenses, visas, etc. So in general it is better to receive no psych treatment so one can answer no to everything truthfully...

I don't mind talking to a friend who has a therapy or counselling background, and even paying them if necessary to go through my issues, so that officially I never had psych treatment. The problem is that 99% of my friends or contemporaries lack the necessary qualifications/experience (we are all student-types) or are not the thoughtful or introspective types. I thought I could open up a bit to my previous girlfriend, but she left after hearing that I am gender fluid. Smart girl, she hadn't even heard half of my problems! 

What I will say is, I am so, so, so sorry that happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that. No matter who you are or how you feel. No one deserves to be beaten, or made to feel bad. It wasn't you, okay? Nothing was your fault.

*extra big hug*

*Extra big hug back* Thank you so much.

As a consolation, IF I ever have children (getting more unlikely given the cross-gender medicating I am doing), I have promised myself I won't ever treat them the way I was treated. Likewise in relation to the power they had over me, I won't ever abuse power the same way it was abused when they had it over me.

[Laurel]

VA raising hand as survivor of childhood trauma with Dissociative Identity Disorder and a female alter. Many cisgender men who were abused as children have sexual fantasies about becoming women, need to dress as women, experience extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

Trauma is Highly Treatable with therapy.

Thank you Virginia, a big hug to you 

I remember my dad used to have an alpha male thing going in the home. How furious he was the first time I beat him at chess...since then he has never played chess with me. He would also beat my mother, who in turn would beat me.

I visited the website you mentioned. It seems to be the best option to formal therapy for now for me, thanks. I will register and start participating there too...

[Alice V]

One thing I am afraid of, of seeing a therapist or counsellor, is that the sort of work I am interested in when I graduate would require a security clearance. Is it bad to even be seen having any sort of therapy, counselling or psych treatment? I was told that the forms do ask, as well as many other forms in the future for everything from insurance, licenses, visas, etc. So in general it is better to receive no psych treatment so one can answer no to everything truthfully...

Depends on culture I suppose. Here in wild Russia people think mental disease are bad and therapy indicates you're psycho, but as far as I know in civilization countries it considered normal and everyone understand there's a lot of stress in our big world that can be lesser via therapy.