My way to new life (renamed)

[Alice V]

Hey.

I write more detailed story of my life in my introduction thread. It contains a lot of side information and only few sentences about gender dysphoria. It just describe my path which leads me here and, I hope, explains, why I'm so determined and angry. Maybe, it'l help someone. Maybe even inspire. Maybe disgust. Doesn't matter, you'll have it here. Here I just want to describe my current condition related to gender issues.

I don't know love. My life full of anger and desperate. Time works against me - though I'm only 27 yo and it looks like I have all life ahead, I feel how death comes closer and closer with my age, and since it wasn't healthy life I think I will be lucky to survive long enough to see my 60. I see no point in living this life as male. I have almost nothing to lose, I already ruined my life. So hell why don't I take all remains of my rage under control and make another run to my dream?

I can be good or evil, happy and desperate, rude and polite, tough and soft, kind and indifferent, courageous and cowardly, angry and calm, and whatever else. To hell all stereotypes, I won't restrict myself with girly things and wanna all of this. But I want feel and experience it as woman, not man. I always fought alone for what I want, and I can endure few more fights.

I also decide to come out to my family. I came to my father yestarday with confessing. He don't approve my choice and think all LGBT stuff comes from loafers who don't know how to spend free time, but we both know nothing can stop me except financial matters - if there was something else, I'd live much easier life. We strangers anyway, he have his family and I don't want to intervene, just informed him in attempt to prepare myself to conversation with mother. I want my family awared.

Right now my plans are settled. If I successfully get to college I can spend my savings to pass comission and start HRT. If I don't then I delay comission and HRT and spend my savings on private teacher. And while I waiting for updates I just trying to feminize my voice though today I was so disappointed in it that gets myself drunk. Will get back to work tomorrow.

Have a good day/night, people.

Chronology
long time ago - feelings about being different
somewhere around 2007-2008 - feelings became stronger, wondering "what if I am girl somewhere inside?"
2016 - learning about existance of transgenders
spring of 2018 - conversations with armerican counselor via internet, accept myself as Alice
16 apr 2019 - first conversation with psychiatrist
24 apr 2019 - conversation with psychologist
30 apr 2019 - second conversation with psychiatrist, first with endo

[Northern Star Girl]

@Vesh
Hello again Vesh: 
Thank you for posting your personal thread here on the Forums.  You can treat this as your journal that documents your life events as you contemplate your transitions journey and the goals that you may achieve.

If you feel comfortable doing so you can supplement some of your postings with pictures.

This journal of yours will help you keep track of your progress and at the same time it will allow other members here to rejoice with you when you report good things .... and support you with their thoughts and words when you report not so good news.

Now that you have started your personal journal you will find that lots of other members will be able to read and follow and share with you.  All of that will be of encouragement to you and to them.

Thanks again for starting your personal thread.
I will check in here often to see how things are going for you.

Best wishes to you,
Danielle

[Eryn T]

Heya Vesh!

Thanks for starting this thread, also that's really courageous that you came out to your family! Most people don't understand immediately, they need time to process it, just like many of us need time to develop ourselves before 'hatching.'

I'm really glad that you have a plan going forward, too! Sometimes we get 'doubt days' for me it usually is because I do poorly with my makeup or something, but it's certainly possible with practicing your voice. Everything will take time, so do try to take care of yourself and don't move too fast!

Much love,
Eryn

[Alice V]

Danielle, thanks again for stopping by and for supporting me in PM

Eryn, it was easy with father. We almost strangers, a bit friendly. I don't want to say he doesn't care, I'm his child, after all. But he really understand he cannot change thing so he just said his opinion and wish me to think some more time. Dammit, and if I should wait another year for getting into college I definitely will lol I don't know why I still shaking in front of mom though. She's one of very few people who can make me explode with my anger in matter of seconds, it usually too hard for anyone. Wish me luck, she's back home and now it's time

I'm really glad that you have a plan going forward, too! Sometimes we get 'doubt days' for me it usually is because I do poorly with my makeup or something, but it's certainly possible with practicing your voice. Everything will take time, so do try to take care of yourself and don't move too fast!

I'm just a little turtle making her way through the coast to ocean-home with hope evil humans don't make a soup with me Sometimes I'm stop to gather my thoughts and maybe have a nice little time inside my shell but I moving on

[Alice V]

UPD. Actually, that was easier than I expected. I'm not a child anymore and perhaps she started respect my own opinion. She was confused but don't argue with me. Told it is my life. I promised her not run to cut my balls tomorrow and do everything after think carefully

I'm actually relieved I don't need to argue with parents. Others... insignificant, but my family is people who tied with me for entire life. We had a bad past with a lot of supression and anger and fights but it seems I finally have peace in my home.

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Vesh
I am so very glad for you starting your own thread.
I also think you're very courageous for coming out to your father, please give him a little time to process this information. Please don't blame him too much if he doesn't accept you he's probably like my father that really never did and never wanted to even talk about it but I don't blame him because he really wanted the best for me as I'm sure your father does but they probably have limited knowledge about us and don't realize this is not a lifestyle change for us it's merely the way we came out of our mother's womb. It's not like one day we just decided to be trans we had no choice in it whatsoever.
I am very glad though things are going better with your mother.

I am extremely glad though that you are starting to feel a sense of family here because it truly is, talking about it with those among your own kind is excellent therapy and I know you cannot do that in your country but know we are all here for you with unconditional support.
  I can already sense a little change in you my friend from when I had the pleasure to first talk to you. I can tell that you let your guard down a little here which I think is wonderful because everyone here cares for you and only wants the very best for you.
That's what we do here we all try to help each other as best we can.
But that being said I most certainly hope your guard is up on high Edge and all your anger is used appropriately to defend yourself against the dangers that are real in your country.
I can definitely understand where you got all this Anger from, I'm sure if most of us lived in your shoes through your life we would be the same.
  I know that you are very intelligent and could be a doctor if you want but I do understand how the trans situation could complicate this and it seems like you're at a Crossroads between your career and living free as your inner identity wants to.
I wish someone here had all the answers for you but only you can answer this for yourself.
At least now you can feel the burden lifted of not being able to have anyone to talk to because we are all here for you and we'll do our best in any way possible to help you.
Please take your time with practicing for your transition which I believe has started a long time ago in your head.
Like they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, I believe if you continue on interacting with everyone here it will make it much easier for your future.
I really think you're doing wonderful far better than I did when I started and know that I'm very proud to have you as a friend, and it'll be very interesting to see where our lives take us in years to come.

Much love and happiness to you GF
  Tanya (Vesh taught me that this is
                 an abbreviation for Tatiana
                  In her country)

[Alice V]

Heey it's my gf Tanya ^_^
Yeah, it sounds far less official and a bit shorter

I also think you're very courageous for coming out to your father, please give him a little time to process this information. Please don't blame him too much if he doesn't accept you he's probably like my father that really never did and never wanted to even talk about it but I don't blame him because he really wanted the best for me as I'm sure your father does but they probably have limited knowledge about us and don't realize this is not a lifestyle change for us it's merely the way we came out of our mother's womb. It's not like one day we just decided to be trans we had no choice in it whatsoever.

Well it wasn't so courageous. Like I said we're strangers, he have his new family since I was child, and we rarely interacted.  Mostly I was afraid about mother due our history, she used to express her opinion like it's the only one and suppressing me with her age and experience. I'm glad she finally accept it that I can have my own thoughts and make my own decisions. Actually I still shocked

I am extremely glad though that you are starting to feel a sense of family here because it truly is, talking about it with those among your own kind is excellent therapy and I know you cannot do that in your country but know we are all here for you with unconditional support.

We all here for same reasons and it seems Susan wanna have family athmosphere here so yeah, I feel myself awkward but trying to be talkative and helpful

I know that you are very intelligent and could be a doctor if you want but I do understand how the trans situation could complicate this and it seems like you're at a Crossroads between your career and living free as your inner identity wants to.
I wish someone here had all the answers for you but only you can answer this for yourself.

Right now it mostly matter of money, I just have enough to put my savings into one or another way. I'm sure most intelligent people doesn't care about whatever person doing until it touch them or lower one's efficiency and I really hope they are intelligent in college but you never know >_< I heard story about surgery resident who have no idea why blood turns black on air and often making dumb mistakes and it makes me worried for his "clients".

Please take your time with practicing for your transition which I believe has started a long time ago in your head.

Yeah, it was started long ago. Half of my life I imagine myself in female body without being able to even crossdress (well there was possibilities but I was a little afraid of mom and soon became too big for it anyway).

Thanks for warm feelings I'm glad I send you dat first PM, you're my chosen one here and I happy to be your friend

[Eryn T]

I'm glad that your mom is understanding you have your own valid thoughts, too!

I think one thing that really helps others understand is when they see how being transgender improves other aspects of your life as well, like your anger and stuff, that I know Tatiana dealt with, too. And for me, I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all, but wanting to be feminine, pushed me to actually care about my appearance and my health. That is a positive, regardless of gender.

I wanna help this little turtle reach the sea, where she belongs! *hugs*

[Alice V]

Thanks Eryn *hugs*
[qoute]I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all[/quote]
Yup I know dat feel bro! Got my problems already, now trying to fix it.

Forgot to update, I failed to attend into college, so I have to spend my savings to pay some teacher, obviously study on my own didn't work good enough. So I guess my HRT delayed for year. Well, parents ask me to think about transition twice, now I certanly have some time Not that I'm not thought about it for decade...

[pamelatransuk]

I think one thing that really helps others understand is when they see how being transgender improves other aspects of your life as well, like your anger and stuff, that I know Tatiana dealt with, too. And for me, I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all, but wanting to be feminine, pushed me to actually care about my appearance and my health. That is a positive, regardless of gender.

I wholeheartedly agree, Eryn.

In so many cases I have known family members to disapprove of transgender matters and oppose transition only to gradually change their mind after witnessing the transitioner being so happy instead of previously constantly miserable

Secondly if we have the wrong body, we are often indifferent to appearance and clothing as don't want them but in private crossdressing or parttime or fulltime being our true selves, we make the effort because we want to look our best!

Hugs to all

Pamela

[MaryT]

Thanks for your posts.  Your life story so far, although not happy, is interesting and inspiring.  I wish you well.

[Alice V]

Your life story so far, although not happy, is interesting and inspiring.  I wish you well.

Thanks you. I hope so, that's the reason I brought everything here. I just wanted to share it.

Aaand who the beep is Alice? Here a little story

This Sunday I spent in forest with my friends cooking some meat and drinking some beer... And in such athmosphere we talked a little about my situation. They already know about it for a while - told them almost month ago. It was something brief like:
- hey I have a problem!
- Do it related to me?
- Nope, just FYI.
- Ok then give me beer and let's pretend there was nothing.
My friends such supportive Well they don't judge me so I'm not complaining. Anyway, I didn't push this topic, and was a bit confused when they brought it up pre-yesterday. It was so awkward, they don't know how to talk about it, I have same problems, so we just joked around. They also ask me be careful with all that HRT stuff because it can ruin my health they told.

Well that's the reason I'm waiting untill I'll be able to pass through commission and receive endo attention, it would be stupid to do everything by myself (though I'm ready if things will go wrong, but it doesn't make things smarter -_-). That also reason I'm trying quit smoking. It's quite hard, if I don't smoke few hours I wanna run in panic and climb the walls, but things becoming smoother. I cut it to single cig per day and soon stop it completely. My dear Tanya inspiring me, so it becomes easier

I also ask my friend if he have something against me wearing name "Alice". You know, I took the list with female names (there was dozens!) and cut it to 3, then realise there is only one I want. So I didn't choose it. But it also was a name my bestie wanna use for his hypothetical daughter so I didn't want him to develop some dislike to the name. Soo, we talked about it and it seems he don't mind. Thanks for @Jessica and @Cindy I now wearing it here. It such a little thing, but I can't do more at this moment except name in internet and voice practicing (which still awful). Pity.

I hate waiting. But now everything narrows to wait for delivery my employment history. I changed so many places and everything in past was so blurred that I can't remember where and when I worked, but need it for start looking new job. So, my current priorities: get employment history -> find new job -> find teacher -> get to the college -> pass through commission (for me it's quite expensive) and start HRT. If I'll be lucky and find nice job I'll be able to study and passing through comission at same time.

[Eryn T]

Hey, Alice! That's really cool you have such laid-back friends.

"I have a problem!"
"You got a problem with ME?!"
"No, not related to you."
"Oh, ok. cool"

That's just very funny, to me.  Alice is a great name, and it's very considerate of you to talk with your friend since they thinking about naming their future daughter Alice.

I don't know if this'll help you at all. But I think many of my worse habits disappeared the further I transition, and I'm expecting this even moreso while on HRT. There's like an inner calm that you reach which reduces you need for addictive substances or habits(somewhat). Like, I used to swirl dirt, hair, or snot between my fingers constantly as a nervous tick and since I start transitioning, I haven't felt any inclination to do so. Same with rubbing or scratching my forehead constantly, now I never really do it.

Those are not comparable to smoking, but I definitely think you're on the right track already, since you know you want to quit eventually, and you're already reducing how often you do it.

I'm really proud of ya, hun!

Much love,
Eryn

[Alice V]

Hey. There's nothing important, just wanna mark this period.

You may see my activity here reduced greatly. Somedays I even don't read anything just check for new PM. It isn't because I don't like this place, it's great resource, and I wanna be more active, but I just lacking of time.

In purpose of losing weight I start walking lol. Most of my life I sticked to computer and now I find it fun to just walking around and burning cals haha. And until it fun, I spend a lot of time for it. It's ok for me just leave home for 5-6 hours and walk 20-25 km now (though still adjusting, can fall asleep in middle of converstaion lol; when I type message to one of my friends here, I almost shutted down few times haha). There's diet too, ofc. Now I know that Snickers Super cost me ~9 km haha. My weight have it's pros... I mean, it helps me burn cals faster via activities

So, as I said somewhere, I'm on hiatus. When I have time I read and answer, though mostly in PM (or in some cases, in e-mail and whatsup). I'm still with you

Current status:
- losing weight - in process, lost ~5 kg in 3 weeks;
- quit smoking - 29 days without smoking;
- looking for new job - in process, still nobody want me ;
- studying - I put that on pause, first I need money to fund everything

[Jessica]

We all need a break sometimes.  Life has its priorities that send us in other directions. 
I do enjoy reading your posts and hope you find time for us in the very near future.

Hey. There's nothing important, just wanna mark this period.

You may see my activity here reduced greatly. Somedays I even don't read anything just check for new PM. It isn't because I don't like this place, it's great resource, and I wanna be more active, but I just lacking of time.

In purpose of losing weight I start walking lol. Most of my life I sticked to computer and now I find it fun to just walking around and burning cals haha. And until it fun, I spend a lot of time for it. It's ok for me just leave home for 5-6 hours and walk 20-25 km now (though still adjusting, can fall asleep in middle of converstaion lol; when I type message to one of my friends here, I almost shutted down few times haha). There's diet too, ofc. Now I know that Snickers Super cost me ~9 km haha. My weight have it's pros... I mean, it helps me burn cals faster via activities

So, as I said somewhere, I'm on hiatus. When I have time I read and answer, though mostly in PM (or in some cases, in e-mail and whatsup). I'm still with you

Current status:
- losing weight - in process, lost ~5 kg in 3 weeks;
- quit smoking - 29 days without smoking;
- looking for new job - in process, still nobody want me ;
- studying - I put that on pause, first I need money to fund everything

[Northern Star Girl]

@Alice V
Thank you for your advance notice of your plans so we all don't worry about you while you are in your self-imposed hiatus.
Certainly we all need to have some time to take care of our personal lives....
....we all have a lot more going on in our lives than just what we are doing here on the Susan's Forums.

Good news about your endeavor to continue with your weight loss which by itself takes a lot of determination and willpower.... and your personal time that you must devote to exercising, walking, etc.

Kudos to you on the other very important personal issues that you are working on....
*quitting smoking
*looking for a new job
*studying
*money

All of the above takes time, sometimes more time than we have available so many times, as in your situation, we have to cut back in some areas.
Come back to visit the Forums whenever you can... we will be here...
....but certainly your priorities have to be your real-life activities.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

[Alice V]

Hey everyone.

This year could be better, but I lived much worse. At beginning of the year I've met a lot of troubles at work due merge, and just recalling this still drives me mad, and after 6 months of working at this job I quit and found another. It exhausts me as hell, and after 3 months without smoking I started smoke again, and in addition for relax I sink in Path of Exile, which is main reason I don't visit this forum much last time Anyway, it pays better and it keeps me motivated, I started enjoying my work again.

Also at beginning of this year I started looking for solution of my gender issue, and it appears it requires some big steps. I still didn't started transition because despite of new work which was part of my plan I need little more for stabilizing my position, and I have to wait a little more. Maybe I also fear upcoming changes and just delaying it unconsciously, but hey it's a big decision and I want to be prepared as much as possible

Anyway, after celebration I gonna quit smoking again and maybe play games little less and perhaps I will visit more often

Happy New Year everyone Be reasonable humans at first place, stay alive and well. Cya in 2019!

[Northern Star Girl]

@Alice V
I have enjoyed reading your updates as you progress through your journey. 
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience but any time that you report good news, it outshines any of that bad news.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR  in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

[Alice V]

Thanks, Dani

Dunno if you folks celebrating new year but we here launching a lot of fireworks, it sounds like artillery shots. In air I can already feel smell of powder. Dammit, I heard some dogs dying due sounds of explosions.

Hello from 2019! Wish you best

[Sonja]

Hey everyone.

This year could be better, but I lived much worse. At beginning of the year I've met a lot of troubles at work due merge, and just recalling this still drives me mad, and after 6 months of working at this job I quit and found another. It exhausts me as hell, and after 3 months without smoking I started smoke again, and in addition for relax I sink in Path of Exile, which is main reason I don't visit this forum much last time Anyway, it pays better and it keeps me motivated, I started enjoying my work again.

Also at beginning of this year I started looking for solution of my gender issue, and it appears it requires some big steps. I still didn't started transition because despite of new work which was part of my plan I need little more for stabilizing my position, and I have to wait a little more. Maybe I also fear upcoming changes and just delaying it unconsciously, but hey it's a big decision and I want to be prepared as much as possible

Anyway, after celebration I gonna quit smoking again and maybe play games little less and perhaps I will visit more often

Happy New Year everyone Be reasonable humans at first place, stay alive and well. Cya in 2019!

Hi Alice,

I've been away and busy with my wife and son for the summer holidays over xmas (NZ) so I haven't been on SP much. I'm glad to hear you've got a new job - I hope it's still going well for you.  What sort of work do you do?
Transitioning is a very big decision so its worth thinking about how you can make it work for your life.  The hardest part of it for me so far are a few comment and questions from my sons friends, only 9 years old and I can answer their questions easily but I don't want my son to get hassled by other kids or lose friends because of me - so I do find that I answer their questions very carefully. 

I hope you year is going well, I will also try and get onto SP a bit more to chat to you lovely girls.

Take care,

Sonja.