I've been stealth for about 7 years. I'm in a really weird place lately...

[SnuggleFloss]

This forum was the first place I really started connecting with other transwomen and I haven't checked it in years, so I guess I'm posting this here now because it feels like some kind of surreal circle. I kinda don't really know how to articulate the headspace I've been in for the past two years or so. I feel really stupid and weird. And then I feel like a jerk for being so messed up over something I think is ridiculous, when my current life situation would make my past self jealous. Just for context, I've seemed to pass fine for the past seven years. I moved across the country to a city I love, I have an amazing boyfriend, I started a career that's going pretty well, and I've basically been finally getting my ->-bleeped-<- together for the first time. I still think I needed to transition, but my views on being trans have changed a lot, to the extent that I can't even say that I know what "trans" is. I think about this probably too often.

I do know that I hate being trans. It feels conservative and regressive to me. But I also genuinely have physical dysphoria I still can't figure out how to completely deal with, and anyway, I could not do the "normal guy" thing in a million years. I could only start to become a functional person once I started transition and now I'm beginning to have the somewhat regular life I was afraid I'd never have when was first seriously taking transition steps. And at the same time I also increasingly just feel silly living as a woman, although I don't feel like I'm keeping up a front or whatever, either. The confusing thing is that I have no desire to change the way I present myself. I feel stuck.

I've had to unpack a fairly serious amount of internalized homophobia since transitioning. I guess when you get beaten up and tormented enough in grade school for being a girly ->-bleeped-<-got it plants all kinds of confusion and self-hatred into the way you see yourself. When I was way younger, homosexuality was something I was scared of and hated. By the time I got to high school, it was something I genuinely supported in other people. I had no problem with gay people, and had very close gay friends. But I've realized that I couldn't accept homosexuality in myself (and it's not like my orientation was a secret among people who knew me at the time). And the self-loathing is still there. Even though I've come to understand myself as basically a gay guy who people perceive as a woman, I still can't imagine myself living as a gay man, and that bothers me so much for some reason.

Anyway, I'm super baked, so apologies if this is all just gibberish. It just helps to think out loud right now. I'll probably wish I hadn't posted this later, but if anyone ever has similar sorts of thoughts, I'd love to read your perspective. It's just gotten so difficult for me to think about this coherently.



(Edited by moderator)

[alex82]

Why do you feel silly? What work have you done around your homophobia? You say you feel like a gay man. If that's what you are, then maybe that's where you should be headed?

I presume it's too late re: the final op is done. If you're gender critical then that might not matter. You say people perceive you as female. Present in a way that isn't associated with female?

I was posting here about how awful the trans process is, as a reply to someone going through the middle of it, so I can't personally understand why running away from gay would be easier (or even allowed - didn't you talk about this with therapists and doctors first?). I think being gay would have been an absolute pleasure to have as a viable option, and a great lifestyle. To have done something so difficult, expensive and painful when much easier and psychologically comfortable paths were open seems unreal.

By your use of 'conservative' and 'regressive' to describe trans, I presume you are well versed in gender critical theory. That can be very interesting. But only you know the truth of your own feelings. Baked as in stoned? That's probably not the best idea if you aren't in a happy place.

Either way, and please take this kindly. I think if you are this confused and distressed you need to talk to a professional, not necessarily people online. I hope you get things worked out.

[lilcuddlymouse]

I definitely agree with Alexa regarding talking to a therapist. I have an inkling of where you are coming from as I was considered "too effeminate" when I was growing up and I regularly came home from school with bruises and scuffs that weren't caused by playing on the playground, but sexuality and gender identity are two different things. I'm bisexual but my past makes it difficult for me to feel comfortable around men, but I've been sure of my gender identity for over 10 years and only just last year started HRT. The important thing is how do you feel comfortable? Dressing female but looking male, looking female but dressing male, or maybe not conforming to any social norms at all. In many places it can be hard to just be yourself, but it is still important that you find a way to be yourself in a way that makes you happy. A good therapist should be able to help with this.

[SnuggleFloss]

Why do you feel silly? What work have you done around your homophobia? You say you feel like a gay man. If that's what you are, then maybe that's where you should be headed?

I presume it's too late re: the final op is done. If you're gender critical then that might not matter. You say people perceive you as female. Present in a way that isn't associated with female?

I was posting here about how awful the trans process is, as a reply to someone going through the middle of it, so I can't personally understand why running away from gay would be easier (or even allowed - didn't you talk about this with therapists and doctors first?). I think being gay would have been an absolute pleasure to have as a viable option, and a great lifestyle. To have done something so difficult, expensive and painful when much easier and psychologically comfortable paths were open seems unreal.

By your use of 'conservative' and 'regressive' to describe trans, I presume you are well versed in gender critical theory. That can be very interesting. But only you know the truth of your own feelings. Baked as in stoned? That's probably not the best idea if you aren't in a happy place.

Either way, and please take this kindly. I think if you are this confused and distressed you need to talk to a professional, not necessarily people online. I hope you get things worked out.

I appreciate your response. I wasn't clear in my OP. I want for people to perceive me to be female. I think what I'm getting at is that I wish I knew what I could do to stop wanting that. For a lot of reasons, including the fact that I will never be female, so my dysphoria will never go away. It's like I live in this <not allowed>-up grey area where I know I'm male, but I wish I were female for reasons I can't even work out, meanwhile people treat me like a woman which tends to make me feel guilty for upholding gender stereotypes. But I don't want to change anything about my presentation, because I'm finally existing in a mode that feels "right" to me. My life only works when I present myself the way I do (more or less). I basically feel like an enemy of feminism and severely self-homophobic and that I would need to give up my current functional-enough life in order to resolve those things. This might not make much more sense than my OP.

[Northern Star Girl]

@SnuggleFloss
SnuggleFloss   
Please know that I am not trying to hijack your thread, but First Things First:
I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your 2 postings with other members here on the Forums. 
Other members will certainly be along to address some of your specific comments in your first posting here.
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@SnuggleFloss 
Oh and another thing SnuggleFloss:   
Please be certain to go to the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  You will therefore get more exposure to more members that will be able to share give and take with you about mutual subjects of interest.

Thank you again for joining Susan's Place.....
Danielle

[SnuggleFloss]

@SnuggleFloss
SnuggleFloss   
Please know that I am not trying to hijack your thread...

It is extremely distracting, tho. Why couldn't this be a PM or something?

[Allison S]

I appreciate your response. I wasn't clear in my OP. I want for people to perceive me to be female. I think what I'm getting at is that I wish I knew what I could do to stop wanting that. For a lot of reasons, including the fact that I will never be female, so my dysphoria will never go away. It's like I live in this <not allowed>-up grey area where I know I'm male, but I wish I were female for reasons I can't even work out, meanwhile people treat me like a woman which tends to make me feel guilty for upholding gender stereotypes. But I don't want to change anything about my presentation, because I'm finally existing in a mode that feels "right" to me. My life only works when I present myself the way I do (more or less). I basically feel like an enemy of feminism and severely self-homophobic and that I would need to give up my current functional-enough life in order to resolve those things. This might not make much more sense than my OP.

Hi SnuggleFloss, I want to say wow. I relate so very much with what you shared. I have all my life actually... How do I not betray my ethical and moral standards I KNOW are right yet transitio and oppose those exact ideals "to fit in". It actually hurts me as I write this out because the emotional pain and anguish I struggled with over this had built up for years... I even met someone a few years younger than me just beginning their medical transition at 20 years old who shared the same exact turmoil.

Being trans isn't a choice, no. But something in society itself makes me feel defeated and I know it has for a long time. I think it's the stigma around being trans, around homosexuality and femininity in "male bodied" people.

This topic is so important I think.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

I want for people to perceive me to be female. I think what I'm getting at is that I wish I knew what I could do to stop wanting that. For a lot of reasons, including the fact that I will never be female, so my dysphoria will never go away.

You like your female presentation, and it seems to be working for you in terms of practical day-to-day realities, so I am confused as to why you want it to go away.  It seems clear to me that you are trans, which means that you are a woman where it counts.  So why the disbelief?

It is a rhetorical question: I am not expecting an answer, but it seems to me that that is something that you need to discuss with a therapist.  You mention that you have some lingering homophobia, but perhaps there is some internalized transphobia as well.

[Brenda80]

Hmm, so how do a male behave and how should a female behave?
I have met men and women whom comes with different sorts of characteristics, some displaying more traits in the opposite gender but perfectly straight so where is the line?
I don't know even for myself, I tend to live what my character protrays, some say masculine whilst at times feminine I don't know. I Guess there is never a definite character at each time.
Perhaps the shadow of 7years prior that has built up the foundation of whom you are and when transpire across the opposite gender creates that uncertainty? I do sometimes question and feel guilty about the present role I am in, but that passes quickly as the thought of realising that its just part of a learning curve.